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To ban my daughter from seeing 2,of her friends

(63 Posts)

My 12 year old daughter has two friends. I'll call them Molly and Jane. I don't like Molly anyway and never have. I think she's rude and seems to run wild as her parents don't seem to know or care where she is. She has made my daughter cry on numerous occasions as she seems quite spiteful.

On Friday all three girls were involved in an incident that I found completely unacceptable. They trespassed on a neighbours driveway and were hanging around in their garden along with approximately 12 other children ranging in age from 12 up to 15. This was just after school on their way home. The neighbour came out and told them all to leave her garden as they were trespassing. The children then starting hurling abuse at the poor women, calling her names such as "fat bitch" and "racist" (not sure where that one came from).

I left work as soon as I could and took my daughter round to apologise for her part in all this. My own daughter was one of the quieter ones but she was rude to this lady. The lady was clearly still upset by this and said she would be reporting to school. She appreciated my daughters apology and I assured her my daughter would be punished at home and I would support the school if they also issued a punishment.

I am best friends with janes mum so I told her what had happened. For reasons I absolutely do not understand janes mum is angry at the neighbour fir being rude to her daughter and doesn't have a problem at all with her being rude to an adult and shouting and screaming on the street.

This is the 3rd time Molly has been cheeky to a neighbour. On one occasion she was trespassing and the second occasion she was bullying a much younger child. Each time when "told off" by the adult Molly has shouted abuse back at the adult.

I am disgusted that my own daughter seems to be heading down the same path as these other girls and have told her she is not allowed any contact with these other girls until they apologise to the neighbour. I am worried about my daughters attitude and the fact she got involved in a situation that she should have known was totally out of order.

My friend now seems to have fallen out with me as I've banned my daughter from associating with hers. What else can I do though? I don't want my daughter being known as "one of the 3 asbo girls". I cannot trust my daughter to make the correct decision when these other girls behave badly. My daughter does have other friends who behave well and I don't want her jeopardising these friendships by associating with "wrong UBS"

AgentZigzag Sun 17-Feb-13 16:02:35

I said it can be 'normal' ish behaviour for groups of children when they get together socareless, so not including all children in every situation, but I'm surprised you think pre-teens/teens don't get a bit rowdy and mouthy when they get together with all their friends out in public.

What do older DC do around your area when they meet up with their mates? Is it always inside? Do they always have somewhere to go? What about walking home together from school?

Peggotty Sun 17-Feb-13 16:13:01

I'm sorry if you won't want to hear this but I think you sound a little 'down' on your dd. She's a 'bloody sheep' that you're 'so disappointed' in and she doesn't measure up to your academic ds? I understand that you're angry and upset at the incident that's happened, but I would be looking for the deeper cause of WHY she is 'a sheep' i.e easily led and influenced. Is she lacking in confidence and therefore hanging around with stronger characters? Her dyslexia and dyspraxia must be difficult for her to cope with. I think you're doing the right thing in teaching her what the consequences of her actions may be but she sounds a little vulnerable to me.

CheerfulYank Sun 17-Feb-13 16:34:16

I'd be furious. YANBU.

My brother and some neighborhood friends of ours harassed an elderly neighbor once, I'm ashamed to say. (Nothing like calling her those kinds of names, but still bad.) My mother marched us round immediately to apologize profusely and promise to do her yard work forever. Literally. (My brother did end up mowing her lawn for a few years.)

I had a "bad friend" when I was younger and my parents let me hang out with her but talked, talked, talked to me all the time about choices, etc. Finally they only let me see her at our house. At that age I was so jealous because she got to do whatever she wanted, but my parents were always telling me it'd come back to bite her in the end.

They were right...she's got two kids by fuckwit fathers now who live with her mother as she is only allowed supervised contact, numerous jail and rehab stints, her brother's entire college fund used up to pay for her court fees...

You are doing the right thing OP. Your poor neighbor!

mrsjay Sun 17-Feb-13 16:44:21

I said it can be 'normal' ish behaviour for groups of children when they get together socareless, so not including all children in every situation, but I'm surprised you think pre-teens/teens don't get a bit rowdy and mouthy when they get together with all their friends out in public.

^ ^ that even the best behaved children can be a bit gobby and even cheeky when they are with their friends especially at around this age no child is perfect and most will try and show off,

mrsbunnylove Sun 17-Feb-13 16:56:19

ban contact, move away, save your daughter's future.

AgentZigzag Sun 17-Feb-13 17:05:19

No guarantees there won't be a similar group of children where the OP moves to though mrsb.

Thank you for your comments on my thread. I really appreciate your honesty.

I did actually read your comment on Sunday and have been mulling it over since then. I think in a lot of ways you're very right and now that I've calmed down I'm not as against my daughter as I was in my original post. But having said that you are right and my daughter has had a very fragile self esteem in the past, a point I'd completely forgotten about.

As a direct result of your post I put my annoyance aside with my daughter and we spent a girly evening together where I dyed her hair (against my better judgement cos my daughter has the most beautiful copper colour hair) and then we watched our all time favourite films of mamma mia and of course matilda.

So thank you (very genuinely) x

I will of course update my thread because unfortunately as I'm sure you can imagine it doesn't have a happy ending all round!

That's supposed to be a pm. Obviously not got the hang of that!

I thought I would update this thread as a lot has happened in the space of a week.

The school has been absolutely fantastic. They came down really hard on all involved and asked them to write a letter of apology. They called the children into an office and four of the senior teachers gave them a big telling off and have told them they are still considering their punishment but are thinking about police involvement/banning from residential trip/banning from end of year trip/isolation unit. So the kids are all waiting for he axe to fall! The teachers went round to see my neighbour at school home time and told off any children thy saw trying to use the garden as a cut through and also spoke to my neighbour.

My daughter is still not friends with "Jane" and "Molly" and seems to have found a much nicer group of girls to hang round with. Both me and her father have seen a massive improvement in her behaviour and attitude and so far there have been no negative comments in her school planner. No positive comments either but we live in hope...

So that's all good. BUT Jane's mum has de friended and blocked me on Facebook and also posted comments about me. Jane has not written her letter of apology as Jane's mum has told her not to. I think both myself and my daughter have actually had quite a lucky escape in truth, as I think it's probably best not to be associated with people who behave that way. Oh, and also I didn't mention in my previous posts but Jane lives next door so summer should be "interesting".

mrsjay Sat 02-Mar-13 14:09:37

My daughter is still not friends with "Jane" and "Molly" and seems to have found a much nicer group of girls to hang round with. Both me and her father have seen a massive improvement in her behaviour and attitude and so far there have been no negative comments in her school planner. No positive comments either but we live in hope...

^ ^ this is what is important in all this that your DD is happy with her new group of friends children go through peaks and troughs with friendships so just stick with it smile

I think the school dealing with it was great glad it has worked out high school Children are a erm challenge eh wink

mrsjay Sat 02-Mar-13 14:10:29

and Janes mum well I think you are well away from her and Jane she sounds hard work

They sure are challenging! I don't think I'll ever stop worrying about them. My mum says she still worries about me and I'm 40!

I've never worked in a school so don't have any experience but I would imagine the mum would crop up in staff room conversation. I've never heard of anyone ever not supporting a school punishment.

mrsjay Sat 02-Mar-13 17:49:31

oh a few at DDs school dont support school intervention at all some of dd1s classmates parents were very precious of their Dds , but at least you are supporting it, and she has moved on to new friends. I have a nearly 20 yr old who works away sometimes I worry myself sick about her,

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