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to be v annoyed with DH for not cleaning up after himself?

(71 Posts)
glossyflower Sat 16-Feb-13 10:14:04

I have resigned myself to not relying on him to do any meaningful housework. So I just get on with it myself, and occasionally ask him to do a small task (fill dishwasher) or something I can't manage since I'm 7 months pg, huge and been ill most of my pregnancy.

All I ask him, and expect him to do is tidy up AFTER himself, and one of my bugbears, is that when he makes his sandwiches in the morning, he chops up tomato and doesn't wipe down the chopping board afterwards.
The tomato seeds and juice then dries, by the time I get up I'm cleaning up after him. I've told him a million times before, and he'll do it once or twice then after that forgets.

Another major bugbear is he'll take his socks off in the living room after work, and leave them on the floor.

This morning was the last straw! I am totally pissed off. I sent him a picture of the tomato mess and told him the chopping board is going in the bin.

His socks, I'm pushing underneath the sofa from now on until he runs out of socks and finds them gathering dust under there.

He had a day off yesterday, and I started the housework but couldn't finish as I was going to work. I asked him to hoover and wipe the kitchen tops down. He did the kitchen but not the hoovering. This morning, as he's been in the kitchen, you would never think it was even cleaned. He just leaves a trail of destruction wherever he goes.

He did in his defence, tidy up his soldering equipment into a box in the living room (still bits of metal and wire on the floor), after he spent yesterday evening making electrical components on the sofa. I told him before work today, make sure his stuff is tidied away before he goes. So he did do that.
I don't even like him doing that kind of stuff in the living room, he has his own studio he can go to that's much more suitable.

Oh yes, and while I'm on the subject of being pissed off with my dh; we have two bathrooms, one up and one down. We ran out of toilet roll, so he buys a big multipack yesterday, and puts it (still in sainsbury's carrier bag) in the downstairs toilet on the floor. Not even in the cupboard away where it is usually kept that is right next to where he placed it, and didn't replace the toilet roll upstairs either. He opened it to use a roll, and left the rest in the bag on the floor.
I didn't even bother saying anything, just put it away myself.

...

Feel a bit better for getting all that off my chest now! xxx

boxoftricks Sat 16-Feb-13 10:17:09

.....AND BREATHE
Stop clearing up after him! You are about to have a child together. Sit down, have a rational conversation about how overloaded you feel and that he needs to pull his weight a bit more.

Eebahgum Sat 16-Feb-13 10:24:21

YANBU to be pissed off with him. I have similar (but less extreme issues) with my dp. Love your bin the chipping board & shove the socks under the sofa ideas. I've come to terms with the fact that different people have different levels of tidiness and figure that I can either spend the rest of my life moaning at him, tidy up for him, or leave it & hope he one day reaches his mess tolerance level. Think you might get a few LTBs but IMO there's worse things that can be wrong with a dp.

CharlandOscar Sat 16-Feb-13 10:24:58

i know how you feel. YRNBU. but how on earth do you get them to tidy up after themselves?! anyone got the secret?

i once heard advice that you should be vrry direct and say 'would you..(insert chore here)..please' and not explain why, or whine when asking. dont use 'could you' either

but it still doesn't make dh pick his clothes off the floor or wash the dishes.

DialsMavis Sat 16-Feb-13 10:28:51

Why do you not feel that you deserve a partner that sees you as an equal rather than a skivvy?

LeftMeInSuspenders Sat 16-Feb-13 10:29:03

I'm afraid I have no advice but, of course, YANBU and I have every sympathy as I have an identical DH!

bleedingheart Sat 16-Feb-13 10:34:56

YANBU to be angry but YABU to keep facilitating his uselessness.

I had a DH who did more than his share of the housework and then we had children and that DH disappeared.
I was bemused and resentful for a long time and chatting about it only resulted in improvements for a day or two.

Now I do what CharlandOscar mentioned; I say 'Would you put the washing away please? or 'Can you cook tonight thanks?' 'Will you wash up and clean the surfaces?' etc.
He's not perfect and I still resent having to ask but it's better than doing all of it on my own and huffing and puffing about it.
It's just good manners to clean a chopping board after you've used it. Everytime he leaves it dirty he is effectively saying you should clean up after him and that kind of thing leads to so much resentment even though it seems petty at the time.
My biggest row with DH is caused by him leaving his clothes near but not in the basket. I tried to explain to him that every time he does that I feel he is saying 'It doesn't matter, she will pick them up' and that makes me feel like his servant. He says that's not his intention but that is how it feels.

Eebahgum Sat 16-Feb-13 10:41:42

My dps worst habit is putting clothes in the floor, not in the wash bin. But my solution is to only wash things that are in the wash bin. It's enough that I will sort through the washing & put it in the machine. I'm not going to go round collecting his clothes off the floor as well.

glossyflower Sat 16-Feb-13 10:47:24

Thank you ladies.
I know it is petty of me to get annoyed but its not as if I'm OCD it's just reasonable to not want to be treated like this!
I have sat him down and said its all too much for me, I've asked nicely, I've nagged,, I've called him over to his mess and shown him and got him to tidy up (I really feel like I'm treating him like a child when I do that), he'll do it once or twice then forgets after that.

Also when we have days off together I will say to him, before he gets started on his plans for the day we can have an hour together to do housework. He does this but he bends the rules slightly, I'll get on with hoovering etc and he'll do the dishwasher but not wipe down all the tops, leaves the sink with bits of food in it, and leave the bins unemptied.

If I happen to leave my breakfast things out one morning, which happens on occasion (it's usually still there for me to put away later!) he'll bring that up if I'm asking him to try harder with keeping things tidy.

I feel like his mother!

I will talk to him again but I am pessimistic. Xxx

YANBU. My DH is the same (including leaving tools all over the living room). I'm trying to explain that in 23.5 weeks time we will have a baby and he will HAVE to be more tidy or risk DC so may as well get in the habit now.
He does ALL the odd-jobs, bins, gardening, most of the dog walks and c50% of the cooking etc etc so he does pull his weight but the clothes on the floor drives me CRAZY. especially as we have a dog who was socks and pants so it's costs us about £20 every 3 months to replace stuff. I can't leave his stuff on the floor for that very reason...hmm
So, no advice, sorry but YANBU and our man-children need to man up...

The dog eats sock and pants. If the dog ^was socks and pants then he'd just be a puppet wink

LadyWidmerpool Sat 16-Feb-13 10:57:00

It will only get worse with a baby. Lots of good advice on here. Perhaps you could have a discussion about your respective standards. Either he thinks housework isn't important and needs to think about how that will change when you have a baby, or he does think it's important. If he does then he needs to justify why his pregnant wife should be doing so much more than her share.

seeker Sat 16-Feb-13 10:59:28

Why do people like child-men? It baffles me. I know it's not helpful, but didn't you notice this before you got into an adult relationship with them?

<aware-this-is-an-irritating- thing-to-say emoticon>

MumVsKids Sat 16-Feb-13 10:59:44

It's not petty op, he's being a manchild, and while ear you continue to clear up after him, he will let you.

You have to stop doing it. Clean up after yourself, wash your clothes etc, leave home to do his own. God only knows you're going to have enough to do when DC arrives. Will he change then or will he expect you to clean up after him and the baby?

Put your foot down while you can, and bloody well mean it.

Grrrr.

MumVsKids Sat 16-Feb-13 11:00:28

While ever*

MumVsKids Sat 16-Feb-13 11:01:03

Leave him, not home oh FGS bloody autocorrect.....

doublecakeplease Sat 16-Feb-13 11:01:50

Maybe he needs to do more but maybe you need to lower your standards or learn to live with some things? I assume it's his house too - he should have some say in how it's lived in - maybe he likes to have some untidiness around. You need to find a happy medium. You refer to him bending the rules - if they are your rules then they need to be discussed.

I wonder if your husband is called Jim?

diddl Germany Sat 16-Feb-13 11:05:15

No he doesn´t forget-he just cba/doesn´t see why he should/knows that you´ll do it.

Don´t throw the chopping board away-leave it for him to keep using the manky git

What did he do before you lived together? live with mummy?

Euphemia France Sat 16-Feb-13 11:09:11

The dog eats sock and pants. If the dog was socks and pants then he'd just be a puppet.

grin

GiveMeSomeSpace Sat 16-Feb-13 11:10:10

glossy - Sorry to be blunt, but you do realise you are facilitating his bad behaviour by cleaning up after him and doing everything for him.

He sounds selsfish, and by the sounds of things, that's what you think of him. You need to tell him calmly what you think of him. I can almost guarantee you this will get worse after you have your baby, because the workoad and stress will increase ten fold.

The more you clean up after him, the more you are de-skilling him. You have to accept that you will both have different tolerances to tidyness and that you probably both need to talk about these differences so that you can agree what works for you both. If you are too rigid, he will just think, "what's the point, she'll clear up after me."

Frankly, if he can't be bothered to pick up his socks from the living room floor, you've got some big gaps to overcome.

Good luck smile

I do the telling not asking thing, I also do the majority of the laundry, if it's not in the basket (and that includes dumped on the lid) it doesn't get washed. If sleeves are left pulled inside out I don't straighten them - he asked if the tumble drier was working yesterday because his clothes were still a bit damp and crumpled so I told him that was because they were put in the basket with the sleeves all pulled in on themselves. I have decided that I am not his mum and won't tidy up after him, there is a corner in the kitchen where all his stuff gets piled till he puts it away. It is definitely working, slowly but surely.

Still haven't solved the doing the washing up but not wiping the bowl and sink or cleaning the sponge, failing to wipe table, counters and cooker though.

BookWormery Sat 16-Feb-13 11:14:39

What everyone else has said - stop treating him like a child.

If I was you I'd leave him. I couldn't put up with this for ever, which is what you will have to do.

lottiegarbanzo Sat 16-Feb-13 11:17:56

It's not petty and it will get worse.

Eebahgum Sat 16-Feb-13 11:18:57

I don't think anyone thinks you're being petty glossyflower - it sounds like there's quite a few of us out there with similar problems & no one has a magic solution. If you do find one, please come back & let us know so we can all pinch it!

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