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Was I wrong to go to the head about my ds being bullied by my friend's ds.

(63 Posts)
Blowin Thu 14-Feb-13 22:11:47

I moved from London to a smallish town in the north of England last summer. Since then, my two boys (aged 7 and 10) have joined the local school and I have been meeting mums and making new friends.

I became very friendly with one lady, as one of her sons was in my older ds class. We get on very well, and up to now, i thought our sons did too.

I found out at the weekend that my ds is being bullied horribly by my friends son. Really nasty stuff, and this lad is getting other boys to join him in the bullying. This boy is pretty popular, good at sport, extremely competitive and confident. He has been physically shoving my ds about, calling him names, like telling him he is "gay, a puff" etc and also saying nasty things to my ds about me and my dh.

I am really shocked and upset about this. I went in to the school this morning to make this issue known to the head, and he has promised me to look in to it.

I have told only one other friend about this, a mutual friend of mine and this boys mum. She couldnt believe that I had gone straight to the headmaster instead of first approaching this boys mum to try and sort it out, seeing as how we are all friends.

However, I feel that because this has happened on school property and in school hours it is a school matter to be dealt with as such. Our mutual friend has made me feel really bad, by saying that i was unreasonable to deal with it in this way, and that it was really unfair of me.

Did i handle this wrong?

I would have gone to the class teacher first, rather than straight to the head, but you definitely did the right thing to speak to the school rather than the other mum.

HollyBerryBush Thu 14-Feb-13 22:18:30

I would have gone to the parent, if I were that close. If no joy then the class teacher. Head is last port of call really

BigAudioDynamite Thu 14-Feb-13 22:20:48

i think you're right. I did similar with dd, when a friend was saying nasty stuff. I am good enough friends with the other mum, that i told her what had been said and that i had gone to the teacher...could you do that. For me it was fine, as we are/were on the same page and agreed what happens at school should be dealth with by school....

i also would have gone to class teacher, rather than head though...but what you describe does sound 'orrible, so..meh

mutual friend should have saved her shock and indignation for the way the other boy is treating your ds

Mutt Thu 14-Feb-13 22:22:55

I work in a school and also have personal experience and you did absolutely the right thing by speaking to the school.

Even the loveliest parents can have their common sense skewed when their DC are accused of horrible things. The school are best placed to get a balanced, truthful account of what has actuallly taken place. They will speak to witnesses and act on fact, without bringing emotions into play.

Whether you approached the Head or the class teacher makes little difference but the school are definitely the ones to deal with it.

Your friend is wrong.

YANBU

FannyBazaar Thu 14-Feb-13 22:23:29

If it was the other way round and your boy was bullying the other boy how would you like your friend to respond?

MyHeadWasInTheSandNowNot Thu 14-Feb-13 22:27:08

I wouldn't have done that, I would have gone to my friend first to see if we could resolve it ourselves, if not, then involve the school.

Exactly Fanny.

Why didn't you go to your friend?

However, what's done is done - all you can do now is damage limitation to your friendship and explain why you did that.

maresedotes Thu 14-Feb-13 22:27:51

Yanbu. My DD was being bullied by a 'friend', I was good friends with her mum so told her. She spoke to her daughter who denied it all and it was brushed off as just girls falling out. Next time I involved the school.

ilovesooty Netherlands Thu 14-Feb-13 22:28:05

If bullying involves racist or homophobic language I think the Head needs to be aware anyway.

DewDr0p Thu 14-Feb-13 22:31:43

Always always always let the school sort it out.

1 it's happening at school so they need to know
2 you only have one side of the story
3 other parents can go a bit weird when their pfb's bullying is mentioned

I prob would have gone to class teacher first but you have done the right thing.

AYetiAteMe Thu 14-Feb-13 22:32:11

I had the same situation with dd and a girl in her class whose mother I was friends with. I spoke to the class teacher, it was dealt with swiftly in school and my friend has never mentioned it to me or visa versa (and we are still friends!)

I should imagine being contacted by the school and told your child is badly bullying another child is not something you would want to blab about so hopefully your friend will deal with her DS and you need never get involved.

janey68 Thu 14-Feb-13 22:33:23

Yanbu- that's nasty stuff. The school needed to know, and approaching your friend could have caused all sorts of difficulties

Blowin Thu 14-Feb-13 22:34:22

Thank you, i am so glad some of you think i did the right thing. Yes in hindsight i should have gone to the class teacher before the head, but i was so upset and just sort of acted on the spur of the moment when dropping ds in today, the head teacher didnt seem to mind that i had gone straight to him, so hopefully anyway it will be dealt with. I think i will call this friend now and explain to her why i did it that way, and hopefully we can resolve it all without any animosity.

steppemum Netherlands Thu 14-Feb-13 22:34:53

I would have gone to the school. Probably class teacher. That means it is a school issue, dealt with by school and left at school. If you go to the mum, it stirs up an uncomfortable situation, and she can't actually do much, because she isn't there at school during the day.

steppemum Netherlands Thu 14-Feb-13 22:38:33

Blowin - don't call the boys mum. Leave it. If she mentions it, then you can talk about it, but she may also be very happy for the issue to be left at school and dealt with by school.

Please don't call the mum. You handled it in an appropriate way.

QOD Thu 14-Feb-13 22:41:42

Say bye bye to that friendship

I did the same and have no regrets. The mum, whilst "lovely" was what I guess you'd call an unconditional type of parent ... Her dd could do no wrong, no one was allowed to tell her off .....

Bluebell99 Thu 14-Feb-13 22:43:20

I think you were right to speak to the school about it and get them to deal with it but wrong to talk to the mutual friend about it. I guess your friend is going to find out about it through her now.

Definitely let the school sort it. I had this with DD when she was 6. I went to the head (with whom I had a good relationship) and she sorted it out. I still do not know if the other mum ever knew about the issue - and we see each other regularly and the girls are still friends (now aged 13).

BigAudioDynamite Thu 14-Feb-13 22:46:00

Damage limitation headinthesand???

Not at all OP...you have done nothing wrong. You are protecting your son. If the other mother thinks that is unacceptable then she is no friend of yours

fluffypillow Thu 14-Feb-13 22:48:42

TBH I don't think that going to the Head was wrong if you didn't feel like you could talk to the boys Mum.......BUT why would you then tell your mutual friend? That isn't a nice thing to do.

bbface Thu 14-Feb-13 22:48:43

You are likely to have lost this friend.

But what you did do is prioritise your DS and his well being by doing what is likely to be the most effective action.

So i think you were absolutely right. Our children should come above and beyond any friendship.

bbface Thu 14-Feb-13 22:49:45

Agreed about telling the mutual friend though. Creating unnecessary drama. From this point on, try to be as discrete as possible about this issue.

blackeyedsusan England Thu 14-Feb-13 22:51:29

school. head or class teacher does not matter really. leave it at school so school can deal with the facts. do not ring the mum. it may make mattes worse not better. you will be able to judge how good a friend she is by her reaction.

DoctorAnge Thu 14-Feb-13 22:53:02

You absolutely did the right thing.

Never, ever approach a parent about bullying. Even your best friend.

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