To think if you accept so much help from PIL you shouldn't bitch?(47 Posts)
My friend has two DC's aged 3 and 2. She is a married SAHM and her husband works part time. His parents have been very involved in their DC's life since their first son was born. They have them for weekends a lot and are always buying them clothes or shoes. They also paid for friend and her husband to move into their current house.
This weekend friend and her husband will be going away to a hotel just the two of them, leaving DC with PIL. She commented that she's so excited to go but a bit annoyed because she knows PIL will spoil DC with treats and they will behave badly. She constantly makes comments to me along these lines, and has said she has been rethinking their role in the DCs lives as she doesn't like the way they look after them (from what I've gathered this means the amounts of treats they get).
Today I gently suggested that if she's happy to accept so much free child care from them maybe she should be grateful rather than critical. Not in those exact words and I do think I phrased it non confrontationally but friend certainly didn't see it that way. She got upset and said I was against her, and currently won't talk to me.
Was I being unreasonable? Kicking myself for not sticking to the standard 'hmming' and 'aahing'
She sounds like a right ungrateful cow, Thing is the point of grandparents is to spoile their grandkids - within reason of course
"I do think I phrased it non confrontationally but friend certainly didn't see it that way. She got upset and said I was against her, and currently won't talk to me."
Well, if you did as you say, her reaction is quite telling. If you don't agree with her you are against her, no divergence of opinion allowed. And not talking to you? Quite childish.
"Why does she need so much childcare if she SAHMs and her DH is PT?"
Maybe she doesn´t need it but feels she has to let them do it because of money ILs have paid out?
Maybe she just enjoys time with her husband & takes the chance when she can?
Does no one on here accept something unless they need it?
"His parents have been very involved in their DC's life since their first son was born."
"They also paid for friend and her husband to move into their current house."
They could just be very generous ILs, or it might come at a price & they won´t butt out!
Why does she need so much childcare if she SAHMs and her DH is PT? Very strange!!
a colleague had her PIL take her kids on a 2 week holiday during the school hols, saving said colleague and her dh the expense of providing a holiday for the kids, or having to take time off in the school hols
she moaned that she'd need to go to primark to get the kids shorts and tee shirts for the holiday, it was all inclusive and she didnt put a penny towards it
she has her parents and his take the kids and treat them all the time, also treat her and her dh to weekends away
she moans about her life non stop (to me with no help/money/etc)
and has said she has been rethinking their role in the DCs lives as she doesn't like the way they look after them. ..................Today I gently suggested that if she's happy to accept so much free child care from them maybe she should be grateful rather than critical
But OP, isn't your friend saying that she is rethinking whether she does use them for free childcare because she is unhappy with how they are looking after them - ie what you are suggesting! I do understand what she is saying, on the one hand she is getting a break but the downside of that is that there is an aftermath she'll have to deal with which is spoilt children getting 100% their own way and non-stop treats and having to deal with the transition back to normal life!
I personally don't think free childcare is as great as people think it is. It comes with conditions you may not like. I have chosen my paid childcare (CM) on the basis that we have similar attitudes and approaches to parenting e.g how many treats, how much tv etc. I would not be happy if GP were regular carers and their way is totally different from mine as it would cause too much grief during he transitions from one caring approach to another, hence why I don't do that.
Having said that, they would also need to not accept any more financial help from them too, she can't have it both ways!
It depends on tone of complaining. It's perfectly possible to welcome help from ILs (or your own parents), think that it's important DC have a good close relationship with their GPs, but wish they didn't feed them almost exclusively on sugar. But there are different ways of phrasing that.
I am jealous of anyone who gets help from parents or PIL.
My parents gave me no help at all when my children were small.MIL would give help only when it suited her, and would expect a reward for it.
I am now a grandmother and am always giving help.Something I vowed I would do when my children grew up.
As for asking for financial help when you can afford to stay at home and not work-well that I think is total ungratitude.
I have a huge amount of help from my parents which i am very grateful for
BUT my mother drives me nuts.
I so agree with the phrase not all help is helpful. sometimes it's loaded with guilt , sometimes it's a control thing and sometimes it's because it's due to them not thinking I am capable.
My mum will tell me how to do the most basic of things and then gets uptight when it's not done her way, to her timetable. From minor things as changing where the cutlery goes , niggle, niggle to huge things like part stripping a newly decorated wall as she didn't like the paper!
I have still never got over that.
My dad is a star though calm kind no fuss and besotted with his GC. I am 40 odd by the way. Competent confident. If I did nt have my mate to vent to I think I would have murdered my mother by now.
So I can see both points I should be uncomplaining and grateful but some help comes with strings.
You sound like you're very jealous of your friends lifestyle -SAHM, dad working part time, on-tap babysitters. Jealousy not good basis for forming opinions, esp opinions you're actually going to voice, however gently.
BUT.... if you accept childcare then you accept the terms of that child-care. If you don't like the way someone is dealing with your child then you either find an alternative you prefer, or you STFU. That goes for in-laws, grandparents, nursery, whatever.
An acquaintance has her MIL clean her house and do her washing, then moans because she throws things away or doesn't do it the way she likes it. This woman is a SAHM and there's no reason she can't do it herself.
One time the MIL took her DD to the mall and bought her a £10 bag as a treat, which pissed said acquaintance off because 'she could have given that money to me to buy some food shopping'.
Some people have no idea how lucky they are.
I don't agree that if you get lots of free childcare from PIL, then you should also take the crap too. My PIL have spoilt my DD so much that she is a complete nightmare now. It may be free childcare, but it can be on very hard terms, believe me.
I agree completely. I had a colleague once who moaned non stop about her pil's on a holiday they all went on to the Carribean. Moan moan moan. Then somebody said to me afterwards do you realise the il's paid for that holiday. I hadn't. Some people think of it as an entitlement. If their il's have money they think they should have a good share of it. After all what would middle aged or old people want with money.
She is a married SAHM and her husband works part time
oh love her! I bet she can afford a shed load of professional help with her tax credits.
I am about so much childcare.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
You did say she was "rethinking" their role. Could this be finally "it"?
If you accept free help then it seems very unreasonable to moan about it. If you absolutely have no other option it is still very unreasonable to moan about it.
It is hardworking looking after DC's and it is a huge favour to agree to look after them.
YANBU, your friend's life is beyond my wildest dreams. I would have said something too.
i have a friend who constantly expects (and asks for) financial help from her PIL and then moans and whines about them all the time.
makes me fucking cross
every expense that crops up gets mentioned to PIL in the hope a cheque will be sent, and if it doesn't they are being 'tight'.
grrrr ....entitled much?
Yanbu she sounds just like my sil, my patents are very involved in their gc lives, only when it suits her though!
I hate listening to mums who get loads of free family help moan about the people helping them, makes me stabby, would love to see how they'd manage with FA help like the rest of us, that'd give them something to moan about
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