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To think it must be me - re friends etc

(49 Posts)
Ann44 Tue 12-Feb-13 19:24:13

.

squeakytoy Tue 12-Feb-13 19:24:55

quite probably...

MardyBraWouldDoEddieRedmayne Tue 12-Feb-13 19:25:27

Do you want to give us a bit more detail?

BambieO Tue 12-Feb-13 20:02:18

I agree

Ann44 Tue 12-Feb-13 20:02:57

Pressed too soon. Have nc for this.

I can't make/keep friends and rarely see family and my mum hasn't spoken to me for over a year, and have come to the conclusion that there must be something wrong with me.

I'm so lonely and it's just hit me really hard now and can't stop crying.

I used to go out with a group of people who all lived within walking distance of each other except me so when we met at each other's house used to pick them all up and drop them off afterwards. They didn't want to come to my house so I could have a drink as it would mean one of them would have to drive. Then I was diagnosed with arthritis so couldn't drive much so couldn't go on any camping trips as they all wanted to go to places too far for me to drive. I was going through a divorce at the time, they all had husbands. So wasn't able to go.

Made a friend on a evening college course. Used to meet up and let her decide where to meet. Always more convenient for her. Went to Ikea a couple of times as wanted to buy things for home, invited her along. A while after she text me to see if I wanted to go but expected me to drive, I said would she mind driving as was decorating and had aching joints. She made excuses then never mentioned going again.

Met a mother on a 'meet a mum' on another side. Met up a couple of times, then she didn't want to meet up the following week as her husband was off work. No problem, then she emailed me wanted to meet up as bored as hubby had gone off to fishing. Met up with her, then when suggested going out one evening to a restaurant she wasn't keen on it and didn't answer any emails. This was last year.

Thought I'd made another friend recently on the same site. We exchanged a few emails and planned to meet up last week. She couldn't make it as slipped on ice and was at A&E as couldn't put her leg down without pain. Obviously said no problem, take care and get in touch when she was better and we would re-schedule. Not heard a thing even though it's been over a week.

I really don't understand it. I'm a nice person. Quiet, helpful etc. Had an awful childhood with a father that would sulk over the slightest thing. Had to practically suck up to him to get him to talk to me. My mother is so self centered. She tried to spoil my birthday meal out by turning it about her. Making a big song and dance about getting the bus home from the restaurant so everyone would be telling her not to. Rather than just accept a drop off from me or my brother. Stormed out of the restaurant when I said to let her do what she wants. Had miscarriages and she'd offered no support just went on and on about her having one 40 years before and how awful it was for her etc etc.

If you're still reading, thank you. Even if no one replies it has helped getting it all out.

I have some spare cash and was wondering about using it to maybe see a counsellor rather than carry on feeling so down. I have suffered from depression in the past but don't want to end up there again.

SoleSource Tue 12-Feb-13 20:03:52

Details would be good.

Don't be shy, let those keyboard sparks fky7

SoleSource Tue 12-Feb-13 20:06:48

Hi

Nah, not you.

You need as we ALL do to feel OK with who we are. Can you afford to go to a therapist once per week?

Hullygully Tue 12-Feb-13 20:07:05

I think you should see a counsellor? talking through these things can be really helpful. I am sorry you are so sad right now and I send you love xx

WheresMrMonkey Tue 12-Feb-13 20:07:52

Really feel for you, I think sometimes with friends it's just all about luck, it can be really really hard work to maintain new friendships.
If you have the cash I think a counsellor could be great, someone to offload to. Do you have hobbies? Time to volunteer? Some kind of group where people turn up each week can be a great way of establishing and maintaining a friendship

Eebahgum Tue 12-Feb-13 20:09:04

Not sure I can offer any useful advice - but despite how it seems I'm sure it's not you. You sound very lovely, kind & thoughtful. Of course people want to be friends with someone like that. My only thought is perhaps you pick shit unreliable people to be friends with but not sure how you go about seeking nicer people. Perhaps you could give a vague idea of the area you're in & maybe some nice people on here would like to meet up. Failing that, I think counselling is a great idea. Good luck!

Whitegrenache Tue 12-Feb-13 20:09:26

I feel kind of similar. I had 2 friend drop me last year, one by Facebook message and the other by telling a mutual friend! I felt shit about it all and have literally wasted hours worrying about what I had or had not done and what a cow I was/must have been.

Recently I have talked to other friends who have told me that yes I am outspoken, loud and sometimes seem super confident, but they accept me warts and all and can't work out why these other so called mates dropped me.

I wonder sometimes If I am over needy an over friendly with people which is what I suspect maybe you may do. I.e trying too hard? Especially given your family history when you were younger?

However I have decided to get some counselling through my doctors concentrating on building my self esteem and confidence as I am bloody sick of worrying what others think of me all the time, and being so negative about myself.

Keep smiling x x

Whitegrenache Tue 12-Feb-13 20:11:02

I too like other poster has suggested maybe we are picking shitty mates!!!

Ann44 Tue 12-Feb-13 20:13:56

Thanks for your replies. Was expecting everyone to tell me not to be so soppy.

I am taking on board what everyone says. Do think someone to talk to would be good. Does anyone know how I go about getting a counsellor? I'm in South Yorkshire.

Jayne266 Tue 12-Feb-13 20:14:09

I understand what your feeling similar issues with me but I seem to only have my husband as a best friend I have loads of "work" friends but never see them outside of wok. As a result I now feel this is me and how I am and learning how to turn it into a positive. Also ins different note I saw a counsellor for depression which I think helped but I couldn't keep it up (120 pound a month) as I couldn't afford it.

SoleSource Tue 12-Feb-13 20:14:17

Try here

www.meetup.com

Free to join and join book groups, walking groups, dances, chirches,.discussion groups, ghost hunts.

Small charge to advertise for your own friends.
It is a fab site

I hope you try.itx

aldiwhore Tue 12-Feb-13 20:15:38

A counsellor sounds good.

It might not be you you know, be prepared for that. People's lives are all squished everywhichway, some of my not so convenient friends have fallen by the wayside, not because I don't like them, but because it's so hard to make time for all, I think to some extent it's natural wasteage. There's no ill feelings.

I guess it's tougher when you're single and most people you know are married. I am SO guilty of seeing my friends far more when DH is away than when he's here... I'm not using my friends, I simply have more time when he's away.

Your limitations with your health could be another limitation to friendship, or rather, the way you explain/excuse yourself could be "Can you drive, I'm decorating and my arthritis is playing up" does sound a contradiction in terms... people don't automatically know how your arthritis affects you, so it would be better to say "I've over done it, got a flare up".

You probably ARE a nice person, perhaps you DO have some responsibilty in your friendship failure (I know I certainly have in the past). Counselling sounds an excellent way to explore the bits you can control, where YOU may be going wrong, where you're not and how to change what you can change.

I wish you the best of luck. There's too many lonely people in the world, and not enough time to make time for many people too.

Try not to kick yourself. Whatever happens, whatever 'responsibilities' you may find regarding your own behaviour, assumptions, worries, it is safe to say it's not ALL your fault. I hope you find a few friends who understand and will stick by you even if you are a pain in the ass... I'm a massive pain in the ass, a true friend will tell you when you're being one and still love you... to a point wink

Sorry for the long winded response. I was so lonely once upon a time. There can be a happy 'beginning' for you.

SoleSource Tue 12-Feb-13 20:17:30

Try

www.bacp.co.uk

Search for a therapist in your area

you deserve a private non judgy space to chat. It is very healthy x

Whitegrenache Tue 12-Feb-13 20:18:19

Some people are just gits. Its not you, it really is them sad A nice way to meet friends is some kind of regular activity (eg helping out at Cubs or Brownies, going to Weight Watchers, going to a language or craft class), that way you can see people regularly without it being all down to you to fund/organise/provide transport for. There are loads of people out there who I'm sure would love to be your friends!

SoleSource Tue 12-Feb-13 20:19:31

www.meetup.com

Judt have a look as to what you.might enjoy now or when you have had a few sessions of counselling.

Eebahgum Tue 12-Feb-13 20:20:59

You can get counselling through your gp but people I know who've done it say private is way better if you can afford it

HollyBerryBush Tue 12-Feb-13 20:21:38

I think you need to learn the difference between friends and acquaintances.

MrsCR Tue 12-Feb-13 20:44:07

Yes sounds like you have been unlucky in your choice of friends - people who use you for their own benefit and drop you when you need them are not friends.

It's not all you, trust your judgement and believe in yourself. Give yourself the best gift you can and talk to someone who can help.

I think you're very brave

CombineBananaFister Tue 12-Feb-13 20:56:03

I think when you are vunerable and feeling a bit insecure the type of people who seek you out are users as they see an opportunity and you are grateful for the chance of a friendship - so a pattern emerges. This results in YOU thinking it must be something you are doing and not that, maybe, there are some manipulative people out there who see you as an easy target. Please don't be sad and if you have the money maybe see a therapist but get a hobby, stop looking for friends and start valuing yourself and doing things you enjoy. That way you might meet some like-minded people instad of dickheads. Really feel for you OP. I know it's icky but am sending you a big hug anyway smile

SoftKittyWarmKitty Tue 12-Feb-13 21:20:32

OP, I'm in a pretty similar boat in a way. My friends are all married and have their own lives and families so I rarely see them (and in the past meet ups have often been on their terms, to places of their choosing, at un-reciprocated inconvenience to me). These days I have few friends but I'm ok with that. I'm a natural introvert anyway, so luckily I love my own company.

I think some counselling would be a great idea. Not only will it help you to understand that this isn't your fault but it'll help increase your self confidence. I notice in your long post that you mention going to places where other people want to go and always letting the other person 'lead', if you like. I expect you do this as you hate confrontation and maybe believe you don't 'deserve' to choose where to go or even to express a preference. This most likely stems from your childhood where you had to placate your dad. Counselling will help you deal with this and increase your assertiveness. I've pm'd you the name of a counsellor I know of, not sure if she's in your area but it might give you a starting point.

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