AIBU to be so tired and embittered?

(33 Posts)
Cassarick Tue 12-Feb-13 18:40:06

I have a son who is 28, he is SN (he has Aspergers).

When he was pre-school and until he was 8 I managed to smile through all the competitive parenting, although at times it was difficult. He went to a special school when he was 8 and it was a relief to all us parents that we were in the same boat and all the competitive stuff stopped.

He has never had friends, a social life, nor mates to go out with or down the pub for a game of darts.

All this time I have watched my friend of 16 years bring up her 3 NT boys, who have a varied social life, lots of mates, get married, live life to the full.

And I have smiled, and tried to not compare, but it has got harder and harder.

Now her eldest son and his wife are expecting a baby and that is all I hear about, plus how wonderful the other 2 boys are doing with their mates and their amateur dramatics and who has won what just lately.

I don't know that I can start the cycle all over again, I really don't. I no longer know how to smile and nod and all the time inside my heart is breaking. I have done it for 28 years and I do not feel I can do it any longer.

I don't want to see pictures of the scan, and know how her morning sickness is, and know she is expecting multiples and how involved my friend is going to have to be every day.

I know I will never have grandchildren. I feel so lonely, alone and isolated.

dayshiftdoris Thu 14-Feb-13 01:00:06

I read your title and knew you'd have a child with SN

Are you still in touch with any 'normal' people (ie other mums who were at the special school with you) - can you get together as they are probably going through the same things.

What about contacting the local carers support?

I want to say that I admire you... you are still there after all those years... you care for your children and your friends by not telling them how insensitive they are. I wish you had someone to care for you now and again because you are very worthwhile

HerrenaHarridan Thu 14-Feb-13 00:54:44

I'm glad your feeling a bit brighter op grin
I agree your friend is most likely obliviously hurting you. Either ask a mutual friend to have a quiet word in her ear or better still next time she is doing it respond honestly eg.
"You know dear friend I am so pleased to see you so happy, it really upsets me to think that I'm not going to experience this myself"
If your friendship cannot be bought to a mutually satisfying place then leave the bastard start distancing yourself
You don't sound embittered to me either, you sound like your carrying the weight of the world and need to offload it for a while grin

Vijac Wed 13-Feb-13 22:02:51

It must be really hard to not see your son grow up and marry as you might have expected at first. It is nice that you have close friends and I guess you wouldn't want her to think she had to hold her tongue all the time but maybe it would help if you also shared your stories-the good and the bad and your anxieties. A problem shared is a problem halved as they say. Maybe you could plan for your future in positive ways too-take up a hobby that you've always fancied, book some nice holidays, get in touch with old friends/rellies or do some volunteering. That would give you another focus and perk you up. xx

expatinscotland Wed 13-Feb-13 18:19:30

Exactly, lanie. I've had friends that long and longer. Being friends, I know the hard parts of their lives as well as the good, and try to be sensitive and not cause them pain. That's what friends do, isn't it? Otherwise, you're not really friends.

Sugarice Wed 13-Feb-13 18:11:38

I'm sorry you feel like this, I blub at a lot these days but your post is making my eyes water.

Thinking of you and your ds.

akaemmafrost Wed 13-Feb-13 18:05:28

I thought that merl0t grin.

I was a bit hmm.

akaemmafrost Wed 13-Feb-13 18:04:05

OP I have two children with ASD and have already thought about all this. I can't articulate the fear I feel for my children's futures, as much of a cliche as it is I try my hardest to take one day at a time and trust that things will work out.

I just want you to know you are not alone.

lainiekazan Wed 13-Feb-13 17:57:58

Good on yer, expat. One gets to a certain age/point in life and the penny drops that you don't have to be polite and tolerant when it's clear that some people don't give a flying wotsit if they cause you pain.

lainiekazan Wed 13-Feb-13 17:56:21

"dgc" I meant - it looks like I wrote dogs!

expatinscotland Wed 13-Feb-13 17:55:52

She's known you this long and is still this insensitive?

I'd put her on hide and start avoiding her.

I had a friend like this, I thought it was just me, but then someone else pointed out how smug she is. So I cut her out of my life.

lainiekazan Wed 13-Feb-13 17:54:51

Very moving post.

I recently read an article by a childless woman who wrote that she was feeling pain all over again now her friends were having grandchildren. Whereas they had been a bit tactful years ago now they were in full bragging mode.

I guess some people have no filter. My mil used to boast to her friend with a SN son about her dgs. They fell out because of this and mil said she couldn't understand why... hmm

expatinscotland Wed 13-Feb-13 17:54:43

I'd start distancing myself from this person, tbh.

WilsonFrickett Wed 13-Feb-13 17:48:18

You don't sound embittered at all. You sound sad though and I wish I could help you. All I can suggest is limiting the amount of time you spend with your friend, she does sound very self-absorbed ((hugs))

Merl0t Wed 13-Feb-13 17:46:58

She probably thinks you are 'over it' by now, and it doesn't occur to her to tip toe around you. You could be more open about the fact that you are braced for a second wave of pain, now that your son's generation will be getting married, having babies etc. tell her that it hurts all over again.

HighBrows Wed 13-Feb-13 17:43:41

I hear you too Cassarick. I think it's ok to feel sad about various milestones that your son can't make. You are not embittered and it's perfectly normal to get like this. If you can, say it to your friend.

Sometimes I wish people could just bloody well think before they open their mouths!!!

Pagwatch Wed 13-Feb-13 17:17:49

Nip over to SN Cassarick.
Lovely people will understand just what you mean.

Pagwatch Wed 13-Feb-13 17:16:58

Of course you are tired and fed up. It's another stage that your son won't experience - that you won't experience.
You are not embittered, it is a constant reminder of our grief. You lost the life you expected to have when your had your son.

Could you tell her. How would she react if you said 'I am pleased for you but this is so hard for me. It's all the things I will never have and I am finding it hard'
If she is a good friend she might understand.
I doubt she means it. Just being self absorbed.

It is hard. It's a grief. But people see you managing and loving your son and don't understand that some of us are sad about how hard and how different our children's lives are all the time. They think we have 'come to terms with it'.

I hope my son wasn't given to me on purpose because I was not made to to this. Itis fucking hard and I am far from an angel in training.

coughingbean Wed 13-Feb-13 17:04:12

OP have you looked for any support groups on the internet for people in your situation? It may help to speak to others who identify.
Oh and thanks

Apileofballyhoo Wed 13-Feb-13 16:45:15

I'm sorry you were feeling sad too OP

pictish Tue 12-Feb-13 23:42:22

OP I really felt for you reading that. I'm sorry you feel so sad. No words but a have a big hug. xxxxx

flaggybannel Tue 12-Feb-13 23:39:48

Op- you sound just like my mum. My brother has severe autisim, also went to a special school , has no friends or a life of his own, no interests, hobbys and does not cope well in social family occasions, with strangers or in a wider circle say in a club/pub would be impossible for him to cope. My brother is 23.
I do understand how you must be feeling so lonely and isolated, my mum enjoys taking my brother to the local library, even just for an hour to share a computer together . Gets them both out of the house plus the library staff know both of them so will sometimes chat to my mum , they are not her 'friends' as such but they are people she knows , if that makes sense?
Very best of luck op.
I once read somewhere that people who have disabled children are specially chosen, because, in fact these parents are angels in training.- made my mum smile when she heard it!
You are doing a wonderful job op, i doubt there are many who could.
Sending you my first ever thanks

Cassarick Tue 12-Feb-13 23:01:00

Just to say 'thank you' for your hugs and good wishes. I have pulled myself together, had some pancakes, and am off to bed - tomorrow is, indeed, another day!

BarredfromhavingStella Tue 12-Feb-13 20:56:52

Really feel for you & second the idea that if you share a friend you should ask her to have a quiet word-I do think though that if she's a good friend she should surely realise that she's being a bit insensitive.

Shellywelly1973 Tue 12-Feb-13 19:28:04

Op, your post made me cry...
My ds has a dx of ASD & ADHD. He's in a special school.
I know what you mean, i have a friend a bit like yours. I don't think your friend even realises, how could she?

My ds is so different from boys of his age. I try to concentrate on the positive but every so often something will happen that makes me realise as ds gets older, the gap between him & other children his age, just gets bigger & bigger...

I would be honest with your friend. You've known her for years, Im sure she's not even aware how hard it is for you.

Some days are so bloody hard as a parent of a SN child,whatever your child's age.
Take care. x

emeraldy Tue 12-Feb-13 19:01:24

Sorry you are feeling so unhappy. Are you still in touch with the other mums from you DS special school? They may be going through similar issues if their children are the same age, and could potentially be a good source of support and understanding thanks

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