Mumsnet Talk

I have a son who is 28, he is SN (he has Aspergers).

When he was pre-school and until he was 8 I managed to smile through all the competitive parenting, although at times it was difficult. He went to a special school when he was 8 and it was a relief to all us parents that we were in the same boat and all the competitive stuff stopped.

He has never had friends, a social life, nor mates to go out with or down the pub for a game of darts.

All this time I have watched my friend of 16 years bring up her 3 NT boys, who have a varied social life, lots of mates, get married, live life to the full.

And I have smiled, and tried to not compare, but it has got harder and harder.

Now her eldest son and his wife are expecting a baby and that is all I hear about, plus how wonderful the other 2 boys are doing with their mates and their amateur dramatics and who has won what just lately.

I don't know that I can start the cycle all over again, I really don't. I no longer know how to smile and nod and all the time inside my heart is breaking. I have done it for 28 years and I do not feel I can do it any longer.

I don't want to see pictures of the scan, and know how her morning sickness is, and know she is expecting multiples and how involved my friend is going to have to be every day.

I know I will never have grandchildren. I feel so lonely, alone and isolated.

I'm so sorry you're feeling so sad. It's completely understandable. Sounds simple, but can you tell your friends how you feel?

Sending you a kind hug x

I'm so sorry; I don't know what to say to make you feel better. Are you close to your son?

Would it be possible to tell your friend what you have told us? If she's as good a friend as you say, I'm sure she would understand.

I'm sorry you are feeling like this, I'm afraid I have no advice but wanted to let you know someone has read this and cares. X

And another one here who hears ya x

Does your friend know about your son? If so then she's a bit insensitive. She might just be all afluster about the grandchild.

I know I'm not going to be a grandma either. My kids are 18. Ds is at the severe end of the spectrum and dd has said she is never having children (I know this may change but I really doubt it) and is also awaiting a diagnosis.

Neither of my brothers or their wives have children and I am never going to be an aunty.

The thing is though, I'm not downhearted about it. Can you immerse yourself with other people so you don't feel so lonely? Do some volunteering perhaps?

Your friend sounds a little self absorbed given she knows your family, although perhaps means no malice by it.

Big hugs xxx

My friend has lost a v close relative - I spend my life forgetting her loss and bemoaning the smallest and sillest things about my DM. I never remember or realise how much it might hurt her that I get to moan about the most silly things that irk me that my DM does, because I am so lucky to still have her here.

My point is, I didn't realise this, until another pal gently pointed it out to me.

Now I try v hard to keep quiet so as not to unwittingly hurt my lovely friend.

Have you got a friend who can have a quiet word in your friend's ear about how hurtful it is to you? I am sure that your friend is just as useless as I was in working out how hurtful I was being.

Sorry you are feeling so unhappy. Are you still in touch with the other mums from you DS special school? They may be going through similar issues if their children are the same age, and could potentially be a good source of support and understanding

Op, your post made me cry...
My ds has a dx of ASD & ADHD. He's in a special school.
I know what you mean, i have a friend a bit like yours. I don't think your friend even realises, how could she?

My ds is so different from boys of his age. I try to concentrate on the positive but every so often something will happen that makes me realise as ds gets older, the gap between him & other children his age, just gets bigger & bigger...

I would be honest with your friend. You've known her for years, Im sure she's not even aware how hard it is for you.

Some days are so bloody hard as a parent of a SN child,whatever your child's age.
Take care. x

Really feel for you & second the idea that if you share a friend you should ask her to have a quiet word-I do think though that if she's a good friend she should surely realise that she's being a bit insensitive.

Just to say 'thank you' for your hugs and good wishes. I have pulled myself together, had some pancakes, and am off to bed - tomorrow is, indeed, another day!

Op- you sound just like my mum. My brother has severe autisim, also went to a special school , has no friends or a life of his own, no interests, hobbys and does not cope well in social family occasions, with strangers or in a wider circle say in a club/pub would be impossible for him to cope. My brother is 23.
I do understand how you must be feeling so lonely and isolated, my mum enjoys taking my brother to the local library, even just for an hour to share a computer together . Gets them both out of the house plus the library staff know both of them so will sometimes chat to my mum , they are not her 'friends' as such but they are people she knows , if that makes sense?
Very best of luck op.
I once read somewhere that people who have disabled children are specially chosen, because, in fact these parents are angels in training.- made my mum smile when she heard it!
You are doing a wonderful job op, i doubt there are many who could.
Sending you my first ever

OP I really felt for you reading that. I'm sorry you feel so sad. No words but a have a big hug. xxxxx

I'm sorry you were feeling sad too OP

OP have you looked for any support groups on the internet for people in your situation? It may help to speak to others who identify.
Oh and

Of course you are tired and fed up. It's another stage that your son won't experience - that you won't experience.
You are not embittered, it is a constant reminder of our grief. You lost the life you expected to have when your had your son.

Could you tell her. How would she react if you said 'I am pleased for you but this is so hard for me. It's all the things I will never have and I am finding it hard'
If she is a good friend she might understand.
I doubt she means it. Just being self absorbed.

It is hard. It's a grief. But people see you managing and loving your son and don't understand that some of us are sad about how hard and how different our children's lives are all the time. They think we have 'come to terms with it'.

I hope my son wasn't given to me on purpose because I was not made to to this. Itis fucking hard and I am far from an angel in training.

Nip over to SN Cassarick.
Lovely people will understand just what you mean.

I hear you too Cassarick. I think it's ok to feel sad about various milestones that your son can't make. You are not embittered and it's perfectly normal to get like this. If you can, say it to your friend.

Sometimes I wish people could just bloody well think before they open their mouths!!!

She probably thinks you are 'over it' by now, and it doesn't occur to her to tip toe around you. You could be more open about the fact that you are braced for a second wave of pain, now that your son's generation will be getting married, having babies etc. tell her that it hurts all over again.

You don't sound embittered at all. You sound sad though and I wish I could help you. All I can suggest is limiting the amount of time you spend with your friend, she does sound very self-absorbed ((hugs))

I'd start distancing myself from this person, tbh.

Very moving post.

I recently read an article by a childless woman who wrote that she was feeling pain all over again now her friends were having grandchildren. Whereas they had been a bit tactful years ago now they were in full bragging mode.

I guess some people have no filter. My mil used to boast to her friend with a SN son about her dgs. They fell out because of this and mil said she couldn't understand why...

She's known you this long and is still this insensitive?

I'd put her on hide and start avoiding her.

I had a friend like this, I thought it was just me, but then someone else pointed out how smug she is. So I cut her out of my life.

"dgc" I meant - it looks like I wrote dogs!