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Or is DH being controlling?

(81 Posts)

Me. Again. DH, normally lovely (bit flawed, has problems thinking things through, but true of most people?), & has been pretty good this weekend as I'm quite ill (on the mend a bit now). BUT:

It's half term, so no playgroups, pre school & other activities. Just 1 half hour swimming lesson. DD 3 & DS10 months old. Weather to be crap & soft play will be rammed, not a great deal else to do around here. I can fill a coue of days with baking biscuits, painting g, food shopping etc but decided it would be good to catch up with a close old friend who has a DS 3. Kids can play, we can chat & she lives at seaside (approx 45 miles away) so we can do bracing beach walk/shivery ice cream thing. I told DH & he went a bit cat bum mouth. I ignored it at first but then he said 'I know it's nice for you to see your friends, but...I'm thinking of the petrol'

My response was to explain how long a week with no planned activities can be in crap weather & that if he wanted to entertain 2 DCs (bearing in mind I have bronchitis & am getting 3/4 hours sleep in 24 due to cough), he could be my guest. He said, hmm, I think we need to talk about it, but not now (as it was bedtime).

I'm a SAHM. DH has good job, so although o.n one income it's a decent (although not massive) one. We (well him really) budget & whilst thi gs are tight (we think before we spend anything, have meagrely personal money & I sell anything that's not nailed down we no longer use, on eBay.

So aibu to do a 90 mile round trip as described or is he being a tight arse? Also for the first time in 11 years, feel he's being a little controlling.

My gut instinct is to say, I'm sorry you don't think it's important, perhaps you have some suggestions for what we could do? Then maybe you could have both DCs one Saturday whilst I take the train to visit x?

IneedAsockamnesty Mon 11-Feb-13 00:43:10

If you can afford it yanbu

If you can't afford it yabu

But considering he does the budget you will probably never know which it is.

SirBoobAlot Mon 11-Feb-13 00:43:41

I don't drive, so don't know exactly how much petrol would cost you for this... But yes, does seem a bit unreasonable for him. It's not a huge journey, not like you're heading off to the South of France.

I would say he was being controlling if he said you couldn't go. He didn't. He is worried about the money and you say that money is an issue. Maybe if you take a little more ownership of the budget, you would agree. It is always difficult if one partner leaves the budget to the other.

I think a bigger issue is you having no free time, no sleep, a cough, no activities and horrible weather. Some of which he could help out with (sleep, weekend activities) some of which he can't.

DumSpiroSpero Mon 11-Feb-13 00:45:45

Perhaps he's thinking that as well as the petrol you are likely to spending more money going out etc while you're there?

TBH I think getting all the bits and bobs to do decent crafty/cookery stuff with them can sometime be more expensive than going out.

Have a look on Google maps - you can get an estimated petrol cost then perhaps compare it with the cost of going by train if that's practical.

I don't think he's necessarily being controlling, but probably a bit thoughtless.

ComposHat Belgium Mon 11-Feb-13 00:47:52

why not take more responsibility for. overseeing the finances and then you can make a decision together?

DumSpiroSpero Mon 11-Feb-13 00:48:18

Have just had a look on Google at a 45 mile journey - you're looking at £16-£18 there and back.

Does it sound reasonable that he's objecting to that or not?

cantspel Mon 11-Feb-13 00:48:50

If money is tight then his concern is valid and not controlling.

Plus if you are not well and only getting 3/4 hours sleep is it wise to do a long day out with a fairly longish drive with 2 young children?
Can you not just have a lazy week with a few at home activities and a bit of cbbc.

NatashaBee Mon 11-Feb-13 00:50:25

Why are you not jointly responsible for the budget? That is a bit odd. If you were involved in financial planning then you'd have a better idea of whether your spending money on petrol for a nonessential trip was reasonable.

Ok he does the budget as he loves spreadsheets & I don't. But we do discuss it & I do know how much we have in every 'pot' we can afford it. He does take DCs swimming every few weekends & does 45 mile round trip to go to the nicer pool (we live 5 mins walk from a perfectly good one, but other one is a bit nicer).

I think he thinks that longer journeys are for us all to do together, but he moans about meeting my old uni friends as we met after uni. I actually thought he'd prefer this suggestion.

We are not jointly responsible for the cooking or cleaning or shopping as I'm a SAHM is that odd?

ComposHat Belgium Mon 11-Feb-13 00:56:33

I guess YABU if you don't/won't take on the responsibility for managing your joint money and then be huffy when the person who manages the budget does just that and says you can't do something.

Unless of course he stops you accessing joint accounts then you have a very different and far more serious problem.

FGS I have access to the money. I know how much there is. I am jointly responsible. That's the point, we are jointly responsible but on this occasion don't agree.

When I say he does the budget, I mean he tracks it, moves moneyfiddles rubs hands with glee when numbers get bigger then we discuss it, plans savings mortgage budget for car, food etc (can't afford commas though)

Sorry, should've been clearer

IneedAsockamnesty Mon 11-Feb-13 01:02:17

Is 45 miles considered a long journey?

Well not really, but normal activities with kids are 5/6 miles away, this is out of the ordinary for me; for a day trip.

AboutThyme Mon 11-Feb-13 01:07:33

Does he have reason to be concerned about petrol i.e. are you on a tight budget?

AboutThyme Mon 11-Feb-13 01:11:12

Sorry, you have already answered that. If you were struggling on a budget then maybe it would be Ok for him to bring it up and worry about the cost of fuel etc. in a discussing the family finances way. Otherwise it sounds like he is being a controlling arse.

Perhaps suggest he takes the time off his saving the world work and looks after the children (because please remind yourself, they are not just YOUR kids, they are his too) and you can sit around dishing out the requirements for entertainment.

AboutThyme Mon 11-Feb-13 01:12:42

I thoroughly despair at the sheer numbers of men that are enabled to behave this way.

cantspel Mon 11-Feb-13 01:13:38

You said in your op that money is tight and you have to think before you spend. Ebay and have little personal money.

Now you want to spend without thinking as you want to visit your friend.

He doesn't sound controlling and is probably just worried about money. Winter is an expensive time if money is tight. The cost of heating is going through the roof. petrol costs are high, food prices rising and wages not.

AboutThyme Mon 11-Feb-13 01:16:18

It would appear from the tone of the OP that she is the only person selling her belongings on ebay to make some extra cash.

ukatlast Mon 11-Feb-13 01:17:24

YANBU if you can afford it, you should be free to go, it's not really a case of asking more telling surely?
Are you sure the real reason isn't that he doesn't trust your driving with kids over a longer journey on busier roads or doesn't want to get his own meal (if that would be the case).

If you do go, I am sure you will enjoy catching up with your friend. SAHMs need adult friends in same boat i.m.e.
I suppose your friend might be climbing walls herself and might be happy to drive over to you instead?

Basically we have a weekly budget (well about 3 on top of bills payments, petrol, food & other)whatever we do t spend gets carried over or saved. For a couple of weeks we didn't spend that much, so DH got all excited & started forecasting accruals (he is nice, really!) and discussing what we could spend this on (like paying off an extra bit of mortgage). I made it clear that whilst that is great, I think we need to realise that those were light weeks & in any case, we need to live a little, we're already pretty austere (it's his upbringing, whole other thread). The mortgage gets paid every month and a large chunk of lump sum every year. We are only 32!

Like his dad he gets off on likes seeing growing numbers in the bank. I like being comfortable & planning I love a bargain & hate waste, but see no point in being miserable when you have all bases adequately covered it swim.

Whoops late night tired eyes bloody iPhone fail. Op should've said whilst things *aren't^.tight, I sell things (all sorts, mainly old kid's stuff/furniture.

Apologies to all who took time to reply based on faulty op. most of it still stands.

This is going to keep coming back to bite me if this thread continues isn't it?

Oh dear.

AboutThyme Mon 11-Feb-13 01:27:37

Your latest post doesn't seem to indicate that he is a a candidate for LTB but I really think you need to step up a bit. If your SAHM status is new, ie. it is your first baby, then now is the time. If you sit back and slip into the role of being complacent and letting him dictate then it will only become more difficult in the future with further children.

The child/children are not yours alone. You are providing free childcare. Without you providing that free childcare he would be unable to continue his career without consideration for HIS child/children. You are not sitting at home drinking martini and shagging the window cleaner (unless you are!).

I wouldn't stand for it, but I am a harsh misery :-)

GO and do your thing, and do not look over your shoulder for one second. You are not his housekeeper nor the nanny. Unless you have reason to be budgeting to the penny then there is no reason to restrain yourself. You are hardly proposing a weekend in New York.

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