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to refuse house guests 4-6 weeks after giving birth?

(56 Posts)
MummyKanny Sun 10-Feb-13 21:50:47

I'm pregnant with my first and DH has mentioned his brother (who lives 4 hours' drive away) coming to stay over a bank holiday weekend once the baby is born. All being well, baby will be 4 to 6 weeks old and I can't help thinking it's WAY too soon to be having people to stay. Especially when those people have a toddler. DH seems upset about this and seems to think that we'll be in a routine by then but I am not so sure. Does anyone have any experience with this? I don't want to be a cow about having guests to stay but I am really uneasy about booking people for weekends post birth. Would appreciate some pointers on how to navigate this potential nightmare in-law scenario!

MortifiedAdams Sun 10-Feb-13 23:39:41

Just say to him

Oh but darling, Im thinking of you. Ill be so wrapped up.in endless breastfeeds that everything else will.naturally fall to you. I didnt want to add entertaining house guests onto you list of.cooking and housework

[evilgrin]

sanityawol Sun 10-Feb-13 23:36:14

I would agree with the wait and see approach. DD was too long ago for me to remember what the 4-6 weeks stage was like. DS is now 15mo, but at that stage with him I was pretty much welded to the sofa as he seemed to be permanently attached to my boobs.

For me, it would have depended on the visitors. Those that would muck in and take us as they found us were welcome. Those that needed to be 'entertained' (such as PIL) were put off as much as possible.

Of course, if your DH was to take full responsibility for hosting meaning that you could focus on your new DC without the added pressure of guests then it might be ok.

DizzyZebra Sun 10-Feb-13 23:32:51

I just can't get my head around people, especially parents, who think it is OK just to go over to another persons house at a time like this.

I was 'invited' over to see my friends new baby by her brother - Literally hours after she'd given birth. I told him he was fucking rude to be inviting anyone, [her] best friend or not, without her suggesting it FIRST. And even then i'd have asked her if she were sure.

OHs family were the same with his niece though too - He said they visited the same day. I was glad we live two hours away - I would certainly not have been allowing that, whether she allowed it or not.

As it was DS ended up in intensive care so no one saw him for a while until we were moved to SCBU and had longer visiting hours for relatives.

I stayed at Exs parents house with DD as soon as we came out of hospital but TBF - They live in a very very large house so there was enough space that i had as much time to myself as i liked, Ex would take me anywhere i asked no questions, And visitors were always run by me even though it was their house.

mybabywakesupsinging Sun 10-Feb-13 23:30:24

wait and see? had a tricky time with ds1, but still, I think, would have been fine with visitors for a weekend. How you are will depend on the birth, how feeding is going whether your dc ever stops feeding or indeed tries sleeping etc. You could be delighted to see them by then...
By ds2 we had visitors from about day 2 on and off for ages - but MIL had only recently died (spent last few weeks of pregnancy nursing her and looking after FIL), so the whole family was upside down.
After dd was born I was cooking dinner for visitors on day 1 smile

Yfronts Sun 10-Feb-13 23:27:47

We had guests at one month. Close friends that I adore. They expected us to wait on them hand and foot though and had no understanding of how to support us. I really regretted having them to stay and was quite upset after.

thezebrawearspurple Sun 10-Feb-13 23:26:25

YANBU, we had bil stay for a week a couple of months after the birth and he was fine because he cleaned up, brought breakfast and spent most of the day off doing his own thing, very unobtrusive, you're not going to get that with a couple who like to be entertained and their toddler.

Toddlers run about, make noise, get into everything, need to be up at a certain time to be fed etc... it could be that the only couple of hours you have available for sleep (and every second counts when you're on so little) will be interrupted by 'family noise', that reason alone is enough to say no.

Tell them they're welcome to stay at a bed and breakfast and visit you during the day. Most parents would understand that, those who don't will turn out to be the types of inconsiderate house guests that you need to avoid. An annoying guest overstaying an hour or two can be incredibly stressful, three of them for a weekend would be torture.

Yfronts Sun 10-Feb-13 23:25:22

You will not be in a routine. You will be sleep deprived beyond your imagination, learning how to look after a new baby, possibly struggling to get to grips with breast feeding, possibly still recovering after the birth, definitely not in to cooking large family feasts or preparing a house for multiple guests. Tell him you will let him know a couple of weeks before the date if you are up to the visit but in the mean time they will have to just wait.

If things were OK, the only way I would possibly agree to it would be your DH did everything, cooking/cleaning/shopping/driving about and that the visitors helped out and promised not to offer unwanted advice.

BabyRoger Sun 10-Feb-13 23:13:10

All my family live in Scotland and I am in the midlands. Everyone would have had to wait a very long time if I had no visitors.

The first lot arrived when DD was 1 week. It was totally fine.

I then took her to Scotland when she was 7 weeks. Again, totally fine.

Wait and see how you feel at the time, maybe. As others have said, do what is right for you but not everyone feels that they cannot have visitors/see people/not get dressed etc until the baby is months old.

allagory Sun 10-Feb-13 23:05:26

YANBU: suggest August Bank Holiday instead. 4 weeks after birth you will probably still be bleeding: in some respects the birth isn't really over at that pont. You will be really reeling from sleep deprivation. And it doesn't sound like you want to hostess. Suggest August Bank Holiday instead.

itsallinmyhead Sun 10-Feb-13 23:01:51

YANBU at all!

I have a 9 week old DS and I am only now feeling like I'm ready to ease myself into visitors and visits.

I had an horrendous birth and put up with DP's family staying over Christmas. I wasn't ready and I hated every moment, however since then I've refused all visitors.

We are still trying to get to know our DS and if you're not ready, who is anyone else to say you should be?

Do what feels right for you, it's important.

nefertarii Sun 10-Feb-13 22:58:30

Personally I think yabu. They are family and there is no indication they will expect anything of you. I am sure they realise the dynamic has changed due to baby?

How long would you expect them to wait meet their niece/ nephew?

I think you will be glad of the company.

thebody Sun 10-Feb-13 22:57:16

Why should op 'make the effort?'

Op have a lovely baby moon, just you, baby and dh.

Tell them you will let them know when you are ok for visitors and ghats that. No firm arrangements.

Loving the optimism of your dh.. Bless.

DontEvenThinkAboutIt Sun 10-Feb-13 22:56:35

It wouldn't bother me at all but I would make it clear I would not be doing any 'hosting' and that I would reserve the right to cancel if the baby was really late or if thebaby or i were sick. I wouldalso make it clear that they would have to change their plans if any of them were sick.

I have had had guests stay shortly after I have given birth on several occasions and have always enjoyed it.

FreshLeticia Sun 10-Feb-13 22:55:20

grin Imperial

MerylStrop Sun 10-Feb-13 22:54:56

Do you like them?
Will they sort themselves out and maybe even help a bit?
Would you be comfortable constantly BF in front of them?
TBH if you all get on well and there won't be any standing on ceremony or fancy dinner expectations, the baby isn't going to be much less toruble at 6 weeks than at any other point in it's life

NaturalBaby Sun 10-Feb-13 22:54:05

Tell your Dh to run a marathon, have no sleep or recovery afterwards and then host for a full weekend... and then re think inviting his brother over to stay.

BegoniaBampot Sun 10-Feb-13 22:52:53

depends. had pil's the first week and was fine. second time had mother and niece and was not fine. depends on you and the dynamics of the relaionship.

Flojobunny Sun 10-Feb-13 22:50:24

Babies are really easy at that age. They just eat and sleep and cry. Having a toddler in a strange house is much more difficult. If they can make the effort, I think u should too.

ImperialBlether Sun 10-Feb-13 22:48:14

If you like them and if they don't expect you to cook for them and if they are happy to do a few small jobs for you and if they promise to get out of the house for a few hours each day and don't come back starving and desperate for food and if they don't stay up too late and if they don't stare at you when you're feeding and if they mind the baby while you have a shower each morning and if they tell you you are incredible and that your baby is an absolute marvel, then let them stay.

Otherwise tell them to come back when your child is 6.

SanityClause Sun 10-Feb-13 22:38:20

I would tel DH that he has to commit to doing all the cleaning, shopping, cooking and other housework generated by the guests, as well as the entertaining of them.

You will commit to look after the baby, and be pleasant to the guests.

He may not realise now what this will actually entail, but so long as it is agreed in advance, he will have to do it!

KenLeeeeeee Sun 10-Feb-13 22:36:51

With your PFB, no YANBU. It's a shock to the system to suddenly adapt to the sleepless nights & endlessly being needed. At 6 weeks with ds1, my head was still spinning and I couldn't have coped with playing hostess at all.

With subsequent babies, I was more prepared & managed much more comfortably, so guests would have been ok as long as they were prepared to get their own cups of tea and not expect to be waited on hand & foot!

DizzyZebra Sun 10-Feb-13 22:30:13

I would say no on the basis that 6 weeks is growth spurt time. You really do not need guests messing up what precious little sleep you could be getting.

I would not feel guilty for one second either.

wanderingalbatross Sun 10-Feb-13 22:28:49

I don't think it's way too soon if they are understanding laid-back guests who are happy to help. I had house guests when DD was just a couple of weeks old and I was glad of the adult company by that point. I found close friends and family made great guests when DD was young because I could relax around them and didn't feel the need to entertain. And seeing people was like a little island of normality in a newly strange world!

If he's expecting a routine at 4 weeks he will either be the luckiest man in the world and get an easy baby or he will get one hell of a shock.

GreenShadow Sun 10-Feb-13 22:17:51

We have never lived near relations, so are used to them having to stay when ever they want to see us, including soon after babies were born.

I would just make it clear to DH that if they do come, that it will be completely his responsibility to prepare beds, organise catering and clear up afterwards.

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