to refuse house guests 4-6 weeks after giving birth?

(56 Posts)
MummyKanny Sun 10-Feb-13 21:50:47

I'm pregnant with my first and DH has mentioned his brother (who lives 4 hours' drive away) coming to stay over a bank holiday weekend once the baby is born. All being well, baby will be 4 to 6 weeks old and I can't help thinking it's WAY too soon to be having people to stay. Especially when those people have a toddler. DH seems upset about this and seems to think that we'll be in a routine by then but I am not so sure. Does anyone have any experience with this? I don't want to be a cow about having guests to stay but I am really uneasy about booking people for weekends post birth. Would appreciate some pointers on how to navigate this potential nightmare in-law scenario!

Aspiemum2 Sun 10-Feb-13 22:11:32

I'm jealous, dsis and family (including 2 littlies) descended on us when dtwins were 3 bloody days old. No warning beforehand just a phonecall the day before (they live the other side of the country)
If dsis wasn't so uptight I would have been able to say no but couldn't be doing with the drama that would have created

If I wasn't such a doormat I wouldn't have had any overnight guests, well ever! I like my own space though!

TidyDancer Sun 10-Feb-13 22:11:41

Wouldn't bother me and didn't bother me. We had house guests earlier than that and it was fine.

I would wait until you've had the baby and decide then. YWBU to say an absolute no before actually knowing how you'll feel.

Tell DH the two of you can see how things are post-birth.

Londonmrss Sun 10-Feb-13 22:11:50

YANBU. I would say to them that you may find it overwhelming and can you let them know nearer the time.

The first few weeks after having a baby are utterly bizarre. You feel like you've been hit by a truck and you're living in the twilight zone. You can't believe that the real world still exists. That's not to say it's not wonderful, but you might want to mention to your dh that babies are not born with a routine and the first few weeks are about confusion and sleep deprivation- I can't imagine how anyone would be in a routine by then. Regardless of guests, he has totally unrealistic expectations and should prepare himself for how mad and wonderful and chaotic and emotional and confusing those first few weeks are.

If people want to come and stay in order to help by making sure your fridge is stocked and occasionally taking the baby so you can catch up on sleep, grab that opportunity with both hands. I'd they are coming socially and will create more work for you... politely tell them no way.

Good luck!

MummyKanny Sun 10-Feb-13 22:13:06

Very interested to hear everyone's experiences. I think the sensible thing to do is to be non-committal and see how things go when the munchkin arrives... Judging by the above, I think DH is going to get quite a shock! shock

Floggingmolly Sun 10-Feb-13 22:14:57

God, no! Stick to your guns and tell them no.

amck5700 Sun 10-Feb-13 22:15:25

...and I'd had a section after a 36 hour labour and lost a litre of blood - your body and baby are amazing things.

GreenShadow Sun 10-Feb-13 22:17:51

We have never lived near relations, so are used to them having to stay when ever they want to see us, including soon after babies were born.

I would just make it clear to DH that if they do come, that it will be completely his responsibility to prepare beds, organise catering and clear up afterwards.

If he's expecting a routine at 4 weeks he will either be the luckiest man in the world and get an easy baby or he will get one hell of a shock.

wanderingalbatross Sun 10-Feb-13 22:28:49

I don't think it's way too soon if they are understanding laid-back guests who are happy to help. I had house guests when DD was just a couple of weeks old and I was glad of the adult company by that point. I found close friends and family made great guests when DD was young because I could relax around them and didn't feel the need to entertain. And seeing people was like a little island of normality in a newly strange world!

DizzyZebra Sun 10-Feb-13 22:30:13

I would say no on the basis that 6 weeks is growth spurt time. You really do not need guests messing up what precious little sleep you could be getting.

I would not feel guilty for one second either.

KenLeeeeeee Sun 10-Feb-13 22:36:51

With your PFB, no YANBU. It's a shock to the system to suddenly adapt to the sleepless nights & endlessly being needed. At 6 weeks with ds1, my head was still spinning and I couldn't have coped with playing hostess at all.

With subsequent babies, I was more prepared & managed much more comfortably, so guests would have been ok as long as they were prepared to get their own cups of tea and not expect to be waited on hand & foot!

SanityClause Sun 10-Feb-13 22:38:20

I would tel DH that he has to commit to doing all the cleaning, shopping, cooking and other housework generated by the guests, as well as the entertaining of them.

You will commit to look after the baby, and be pleasant to the guests.

He may not realise now what this will actually entail, but so long as it is agreed in advance, he will have to do it!

ImperialBlether Sun 10-Feb-13 22:48:14

If you like them and if they don't expect you to cook for them and if they are happy to do a few small jobs for you and if they promise to get out of the house for a few hours each day and don't come back starving and desperate for food and if they don't stay up too late and if they don't stare at you when you're feeding and if they mind the baby while you have a shower each morning and if they tell you you are incredible and that your baby is an absolute marvel, then let them stay.

Otherwise tell them to come back when your child is 6.

Flojobunny Sun 10-Feb-13 22:50:24

Babies are really easy at that age. They just eat and sleep and cry. Having a toddler in a strange house is much more difficult. If they can make the effort, I think u should too.

BegoniaBampot Sun 10-Feb-13 22:52:53

depends. had pil's the first week and was fine. second time had mother and niece and was not fine. depends on you and the dynamics of the relaionship.

NaturalBaby Sun 10-Feb-13 22:54:05

Tell your Dh to run a marathon, have no sleep or recovery afterwards and then host for a full weekend... and then re think inviting his brother over to stay.

MerylStrop Sun 10-Feb-13 22:54:56

Do you like them?
Will they sort themselves out and maybe even help a bit?
Would you be comfortable constantly BF in front of them?
TBH if you all get on well and there won't be any standing on ceremony or fancy dinner expectations, the baby isn't going to be much less toruble at 6 weeks than at any other point in it's life

FreshLeticia Sun 10-Feb-13 22:55:20

grin Imperial

DontEvenThinkAboutIt Sun 10-Feb-13 22:56:35

It wouldn't bother me at all but I would make it clear I would not be doing any 'hosting' and that I would reserve the right to cancel if the baby was really late or if thebaby or i were sick. I wouldalso make it clear that they would have to change their plans if any of them were sick.

I have had had guests stay shortly after I have given birth on several occasions and have always enjoyed it.

thebody Sun 10-Feb-13 22:57:16

Why should op 'make the effort?'

Op have a lovely baby moon, just you, baby and dh.

Tell them you will let them know when you are ok for visitors and ghats that. No firm arrangements.

Loving the optimism of your dh.. Bless.

nefertarii Sun 10-Feb-13 22:58:30

Personally I think yabu. They are family and there is no indication they will expect anything of you. I am sure they realise the dynamic has changed due to baby?

How long would you expect them to wait meet their niece/ nephew?

I think you will be glad of the company.

itsallinmyhead Sun 10-Feb-13 23:01:51

YANBU at all!

I have a 9 week old DS and I am only now feeling like I'm ready to ease myself into visitors and visits.

I had an horrendous birth and put up with DP's family staying over Christmas. I wasn't ready and I hated every moment, however since then I've refused all visitors.

We are still trying to get to know our DS and if you're not ready, who is anyone else to say you should be?

Do what feels right for you, it's important.

allagory Sun 10-Feb-13 23:05:26

YANBU: suggest August Bank Holiday instead. 4 weeks after birth you will probably still be bleeding: in some respects the birth isn't really over at that pont. You will be really reeling from sleep deprivation. And it doesn't sound like you want to hostess. Suggest August Bank Holiday instead.

BabyRoger Sun 10-Feb-13 23:13:10

All my family live in Scotland and I am in the midlands. Everyone would have had to wait a very long time if I had no visitors.

The first lot arrived when DD was 1 week. It was totally fine.

I then took her to Scotland when she was 7 weeks. Again, totally fine.

Wait and see how you feel at the time, maybe. As others have said, do what is right for you but not everyone feels that they cannot have visitors/see people/not get dressed etc until the baby is months old.

Yfronts Sun 10-Feb-13 23:25:22

You will not be in a routine. You will be sleep deprived beyond your imagination, learning how to look after a new baby, possibly struggling to get to grips with breast feeding, possibly still recovering after the birth, definitely not in to cooking large family feasts or preparing a house for multiple guests. Tell him you will let him know a couple of weeks before the date if you are up to the visit but in the mean time they will have to just wait.

If things were OK, the only way I would possibly agree to it would be your DH did everything, cooking/cleaning/shopping/driving about and that the visitors helped out and promised not to offer unwanted advice.

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