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to resent my son :((38 Posts)
I can't believe I am actually saying it, but I do. My Dh has asked me many times if I feel that way and I have always answered "NO" but the truth is I do.
Now don't get me wrong I love my son with all my heart and Would kill for him just like I would for my other children but having him has literally turned my life on it's arse
I have 4 children ( 15,14, 13 & 4) and he was the 1st child for my second husband as I had the others in previous marriage. I was sterilized before I met him and paid privately to have a reversal so we could have a child together.
Obviously I never intended to have any more children but we really wanted to gel the family together by having our youngest. He was a darling baby for the 1st year but it's almost like something clicked in him and I havn't had a minute to myself since. I would have to write a 100 page essay to describe how things have gone since then but it is easier to say he is just a complete nightmare He has never slept in a cot or his bed instead choosing to sleep inbetween myself and Dh for the last 4 years, we put him to sleep in his bed at the side of ours and he climbs out and gets in with us, we put him back and he climbs back in and so on til the early hours.
He throws tantrums all day long, demanding every second of my attention, leaving no time for me to sit with my other children ( one of whom is about to take her G.C.S.E;s) and one who is autistic. I literally cannot go to the toilet on my own.
I have tried almost everything, I play with him, bake, take him to the park, read him stories, pretend to be dead at least 1000 times a day when he wants me to be a cowboy and I have just totally run out of steam, energy, will...everything
My other children have started to resent him as they see how he demands every minute of my time leaving nothing for them...it's not how I imagined it to be. I had my other children very close together and they were hard work but I never had these thoughts about them, they were/are great kids so I don't know whats going wrong.
My marriage is slowly going down the pan because we don't talk anymore unless it's about what my son has done through the day, we havn't been out together for nearly 5 years because no-one will have our son overnight because he is too much work, we don't get to sleep together and he works long hours through the day so all intimacy has gone as well.
I have tried to talk to my Dh about the way I feel but he just goes on the defensive and says " well he is still only a baby, he'll grow out of it"!!
Well I had 3 before I met him, so I do think I know a little bit more about what is normal behaviour and whats not!
My son does suffer from OSA ( obstructive sleep apnea) due to enlarged tonsils and has been ill at least 6 times a year with tonsillitus and respritory infections and I have had a running battle with the doc's and hospital to get them removed to see if this may help with the sleep thing and his personality, 2 years on and they have finally agreed to do the op at the end of the month, I just hope that it will be some kind of miracle cure and that this may be behind the reason why he is like he is because I don't think my mind nor my marriage can take much more
I feel evil for saying these things because I do really love him and he is my "baby" but I resent the fact that my family life and my marriage have been changed beyond comprehension since we had him. I just don't know what to do or how to get my Dh to see that things are really bad
Sorry for the long winded post but I really needed to get this off my chest before I exploded.
It sounds like getting DH on board is the critical thing here. The two of you need to be pulling together - at the moment he's not getting it.
Could you show DH your post? Is talking too emotional? Would it help him to see it in black and white?
Is DS at school yet?
It sounds exhausting.
Does he go to school / pre school?
I was going to say does he go to pre-school??
Do you have a nursery nearby that you could put your DSin three afternoons a week? That way you could catch up with things you need to do three times a week and allocate one after school session a week to each of your other DC whilst your DS is in nursery.
Your DH is right he is young and with age things will change but right now that doesn't help.
Would he do an activity with your DS once a week at a fixed time so you could dedicate some time to the others for trips out etc?
Does your DS settle in the evening but join you in bed when he stirs? If so could you have a no TV/ datenight in with your DH once a week. Take it in turns to organise a lazy tea or takeaway, a film, mariokart, or read a book to each other. I guess the olderones would need to be bribed up to their rooms early on that night.
I hope that the operation is the start of improvements for you too.
I have tried to talk to him before but he just seems to get irritated and say's things like " well if he's that bad just take yourself off and leave him then" which just infuriates me and we end up arguing:/
My dh takes everything personally like I am attcking him and it's his fault because if it wasn't for him I wouldn't have felt the need to give him a child...it's a lose lose situation on my part and if I thought showing him the post would make him see things any differently then I would because I feel like I am fighting this battle alone...either that or he does'nt give a toss.
My son started nursery a year ago, they offered us 3 full days but after 1 day they changed it to 3 hours an afternoon because he couldn't hack all day away from me, he also refuses to eat at school so they thought it better to keep him there for shorter periods.
He moves up to big school in september and I have no idea how that is going to pan out.
Thankyou for your reply...much needed and appreciated
OP yadnbu, its sounds like you are at the end of your tether, exhausted and perhaps doing the lionsshare of parenting for your dc, like others have said - is there a nursery nearby that he could attend , I know first hand how difficult it is to get a nursery place (the free ones)but maybe its something you can look into. Its hard to regain intimacy when you have a little person sleeping between you so it does take some imagination and most importantly time when your not exhausted or lacking in sleep. I have no other suggestions but didn't want you to think you were being U.
Could you go back to the nursery and ask them to trial upping the hours again?maybe full afternoons to start with.
If they consider there could be developmental/ behavioural issues they should have the contacts with community paediatricians etc to help get the support your son needs to ease his transition to school.
Oh dear he does sound like flipping hard work tbh but unfortunately he is probably picking up on your feelings and this is making him play up even more.
Re the bedtime, I would wait till you have a date for his op as if he has sleep apnoea (my dd also had this) this will be effecting the quality of sleep and having long periods of deep sleep. This probably also is having a detrimental effect on his behaviour.
My dd also tantrummed a lot and I think it was all liked to her tonsils and adenoids - both of which have now been removed!
I would also get yourself a copy of 'how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk' as has some great ideas and down to earth advice for when you're pulling your hair out!
I do feel for you. I have a massive age gap between dd from a previous relationship and ds 7 months. I had forgotten how exhausting the baby stage is and to be honest sometimes I do feel I turned my relatively easy life on its head by having (a very wanted and planned) ds.
It's not easy at all and it's hard when you have older children who seem to need you almost as much as the younger one does!
The one thing I will say is school will make things so much better. So hang on in there. It will tire him out, get him more independent and give you whole days of you time. And dh and you time too if he can book the odd day off then.
In the meantime I'd tackle his sleeping. You say his bed is next to yours - if you want him to sleep in his own room move his bed back to there and make a reward chart (sorry if you've already done this) and try saying if you stay in bed you get a sticker / treat for so many stickies etc. You must be consistent, ie always putting him back to his own bed even if you are beyond shattered. He has to learn your bed is not for him sleeping.
You have my sympathies.
I don't know about his behaviour but the operation will definitely improve his sleep patterns so that's something.
And YANBU at all
You need a break
No real advice but my friends little girl had bad sleep patterns , behaviour and illness due to enlarged tonsils so they had them removed privately and she's like a different child , so there's hope yet :-)
Thankyou all for your replies, it's a massive relief to get this off my chest and not feel like I am being judged for feeling this way.
I have thought about speaking to the nursery staff about increasing his hours to get him prepared for school but they worry about him being there for long periods because of his eating issues. I will speak to them again though and see what they think.
@twitchy- I learned a long time ago that intimacy in the bedroom was no longer an option and we do try to make time during the day if we can but the hours my ds is at nursery clash with my dh working hours...still not sure who's more concerned about that though :/
Is there a chance that your son worries about the apnea? Maybe the fear of it makes him want to sleep in your bed for safety? You say your three other children are starting to resent him a little bit, is there much interaction with them? Maybe if he can strengthen the bond between them, you can free up some time (he could sit with one sibling, whilst you help the others or you could have time with your partner) maybe if you involve your older children in tasks your son likes to do at first that could help? I hope these suggestions can help.
I can understand how you feel.
You sound like you really need some support with this.
Have you contacted your health visitor or been to see the GP?
Not that that will automatically sort things out for you but I think personally that you need short term pain for a change in his sleeping habits.
Consistently putting him back to bed and setting boundaries for him so you can get some space.
When I was in knackered phase of no sleep for 3.5 years. I couldn't think straight let alone put into practise sorting out sleep problems. When I look back I wish I had just bit the bullet.
My son 12 is still very stubborn and is slowly still turning me grey but it has got easier the older he has become.
I'm fairly certain he is borderline OCD/ autistic.
Was assessed but they said it was behavioural.
Sorry to waffle.
I think it sounds like you need some help, your DH's attitude isn't helping TBH, you are not criticising him but it is natural to feel as you do.
I would be upping nursery or other childcare to give yourself a break and teach him to be less reliant on you.
op a good pre-school would happily work with you on your sons behaviour. Make an appointment with his key-worker with a list of things you want to achieve.
This would be my list for the pre-school
Have him at pre-school for his 15 hours in 4 weeks. A phased upping of hours gradually week on week.
You pack a lunch at pre-school, he wont eat it? Does he eat breakfast and dinner? i would not sweat the lunch and neither should the pre-school. Make sure you are providing healthy liked food and leave it at that.
Encourage small independent play. You set him up on a task and engage with him for 10-15 minutes, then you can disengage and get on with other things.
Does he dress/undress himself? If not put one of those on the list.
DH needs to get on board. Parenting is fucking hard, and worse if someone is not playing ball!
I really hope the operation solves some of the issues you're having (and soon).
A word of caution, be very concerned about resentment building in your older children...the effect of the mother-child relationship can be disastrous.
The nursery really should be supporting you more. If there are issues with eating at nursery these need to be assessed before school too. They should have the contacts. Another option would be to home lunch him. Take him for the morning, home for lunch - or eat with him there if thats a possibility, then back for the afternoon.
Is his name down for a school, are places allocated yet? If so they may also be able to assist you in accessing support to assess your son to ease him into full time school.
It sound exhausting OP and I feel for you.
My DS doesn't eat much lunch at pre-school either but he's still there 5 full days a week (I work full-time and pay the extra). I think for his and your sake, you need to get him into the routine of a full day at pre-school, maybe try for this after easter?
How rational is he? Can you negotiate with him? Does/will he respond to reward charts, stamps etc. That probably sounds trite, but my DS is also 4 and absolutely loves his chart.
The sleep situation is the first thing I would want to change. Do you have a room that you can make great for him as a big grown up boy to sleep in? If not, could you decorate a section of one of your other DC's rooms for him? At 4 I think he would probably enjoy the freedom and responsibility having his own space means.
All your replies make total sense to me and are very good advice ( something I have not been getting much of lately). My problem is I have always had the " I can manage" attitude -It was hard for me to even type the words onto the keyboard.
I suppose asking for help is a sign of failure on my part as a mother, which is probably why I havn't before now but things just seem to have spiralled out of control the last 6 months. My daughters grades are down, my middle son prob thinks he does'nt exist as I rarely ask him how his day was and worse of all is my 13 yr old with autism...he just doesn't like my ds anymore and he will actually say it as well, they fight like cat and dog...mainly because they are on a similar level mentally and have the same interests. My 4 year old will actually attack him, I think he knows that he is vunerable so targets him more than the others.
I WILL speak to his teachers tomorrow and let them know how things are at home with him.
Also someone mentioned " does his osd scare him at night" ? the answer I think is yes, I think he is aware of it and there are times when he has woken up because of an attack and climbed into bed with us.
That I don't mind.
Your husbands attitude to this is not helpful, I think you need to try and get him to truly understand how badly this is impacting on your emotional health and that of your other children.
I may get shouted at for saying this but at 4 he is no longer a 'baby' and seeing ( treating?) him as one may make dealing with him appropriately harder.
Hopefully once this operation is out of the way then some of his behaviours can be tackled safe in the knowledge that there are no underlying causes.
Does/can your DH take DS out for a time on the weekend so you can spend some time with your older DCs?
Poor you. Sounds absolutely exhausting. It also really sounds like you need some help from the GP/health visitor/family therapist/whoever. If you have been afraid to shout and scream that you need help for fear of being branded a failure or not a good mum then stop it. You need to get help - it would take a saint to put up with all this and you can't go on. I don't have any specific advice on the problems except to say that you need to demand help.
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