to just do my own thing? (DH & IL related - bit trivial)

(123 Posts)
retrocutie Tue 05-Feb-13 04:51:34

OK, so we live abroad and have just had a baby. I told DM that I would take the baby (and our other kids) home to visit her at Easter, which is also her birthday. Just for a bit of background, DM suffers from an anxiety disorder similar to agoraphobia, so can't travel.

IL's emailed us a few weeks ago to tell us that they are coming over to meet the new baby. That's great, except they said they are thinking of coming for Easter. I immediately drafted a reply and sent it to DH (he was at work) along the lines of: retrocutie is taking the kids to visit her DM at Easter, but you can come at any of these other dates [half terms, etc.]. I then set out a list of dates.

Anyway, that was ages ago and DH has still not sent the email. Every time I ask him about it, he says "well, I told IL's to check with us before they actually book anything". My concern is that they will go to all the trouble of organising their holiday at Easter (they also have DC in another country they need to visit), then DH will say they can't come. Or alternatively they'll book it then I'll have to cancel my trip to visit DM, who would be heartbroken.

I don't know what to do. If I email IL's, it will be a case of 'Bad RetroCutie not allowing us to visit our DG" (they don't like me).

Shall I just leave it all to DH and go at Easter as planned? Or is that BU, considering it might screw up the IL's plans? Not sure what to do. Thanks.

CarpetBagger Mon 18-Feb-13 16:37:22

Even if Ops Dm cancelled the plans anyway - Op should still not be available over Easter.

OP, are you still on the thread? I'm worried you've disappeared because they got their way. sad

msrisotto Mon 18-Feb-13 11:22:06

Don't cancel your plans - if you do they'll have won, you'll be miserable and they'll trample all over both of you forever more. Let your DH deal with it, he can deal with the fall out if they turn up regardless. DON'T be complicit in this.

Groovee Mon 18-Feb-13 11:05:43

I would go into dh's email and send the email!

2rebecca Mon 18-Feb-13 10:37:08

It shouldn't be a competition for who books their tickets first though. Guests wait to be invited. The OP hasn't invited her inlaws and has expressly told them they are not invited over easter.
I would be angry with my husband if he didn't back me up but would send an email to inlaws confirming that I will be away over Easter as I arranged months ago to visit my mother then.
I agree that the husband is being unnecessarily nasty here. He could have pinched this in the bud with a simple "x and baby won't be here for easter" repeating it until they get the message.

SissySpacekAteMyHamster Mon 18-Feb-13 04:51:12

If you haven't done so already, get your tickets booked for the trip. I personally would send an email to ILs and copy to DH to confirm that you will be away for easter and the tickets are booked, they will have to choose from the other dates given to them.

You can end this, you seem to be going around in circles. Just send the email, end of!

KeatsiePie Mon 18-Feb-13 04:36:42

Really, I agree with MrsTerryP that this is not trivial. He shouldn't treat you as if you're too dumb to see that 1) his parents are trying to manipulate you and 2) he's trying to let them. Does he generally try to get away with things he knows are not okay with you by acting like you are too dumb see him right there in front of you?

KeatsiePie Mon 18-Feb-13 04:33:35

Why is your DH being so insistently, passive-aggressively useless about this? It sounds like he is deliberately trying to drop you in the shit with his parents.

I mean, if he was initially sort of innocently useless about this, and then you said "Look DH I need you to step up and deal w/this, and you know it has to be you b/c of xyz" -- which you have said -- and now he's still being useless about it, that's no longer just useless. He's putting you in a bad situation for no damn reason. Seriously, can you not say "Look, you are doing [recap of above] and it is not cool, it must stop now, and btw. what is your problem anyway" to him?

And don't give in to their "but don't you want to see us" either, how rude of them to try to manipulate you.

Curtisbaby5wks4days Mon 18-Feb-13 00:30:33

Your dh sounds like mine...doesn't want to say no for fear of disappointing someone. He will leave it to the absolute last minute to turn someone down which makes it 10x worse.
You're a DIL - your role in their life will always be partly the bad guy. Tell them yourself and get it over with. Your dh is almost certainly waiting for you to do this so he doesn't have to.

Jux Sun 17-Feb-13 17:13:33

Please, just book the trip you planned to book. If there's insufficient dosh, put down a deposit on it or something. Just make sure you do your trip, as planned.

Let them get on with it without you. You're excluded from them anyway, so you owe them nothing. Your dh is being a wimp. He is just sitting on hsi arse letting whatever happen, letting his parents bully you through him, and he is assuming that you will make everything better by doing what your ILs want.

DON'T!!!!!

delilahlilah Sun 17-Feb-13 16:33:51

wineandroses took the words right out of my mouth... You need a serious chat with your DH about his lack of support, and don't back down to the in-laws.

wineandroses Sun 17-Feb-13 16:13:44

Op you have 5 pages of people here telling you to stick with your arrangements. Not sure why you are still asking what you should do?

Your IL's, assisted by your spineless 'D'H, clearly think you can be worn down. Time to grow that backbone. If you give in, and cancel the trip to your DM, you will not forgive yourself. Just carry on with your arrangements and don't discuss further with any of them.

To be honest, if my DH acted like yours does, I'd be seriously considering whether to just stay at DM's indefinitely.

2rebecca Sun 17-Feb-13 16:07:33

Agree with not trying to arrange a date for them. You've given them a list of suitable dates and told them you won't be there for Easter. Stick to your plan of visiting your parents at Easter and just keep saying no to the inlaws. It's a shame your husband sounds so unhelpful. Like many inlaw problems it sounds as though he is a major factor in the problems by not showing a united front with you and firmly telling his parents that Easter isn't an option.
I wouldn't worry about them, if they decide to come when you and the baby aren't there that's their problem.

LittleMissFantabulous Sun 17-Feb-13 15:53:15

Anyone else think the outlaws are dragging their feet out of spite? Retro has said no so they will make her change. Fuckers.

cees Sun 17-Feb-13 15:42:05

Just say NO until they get the picture.

anonacfr Sun 17-Feb-13 12:09:54

I wouldn't even bother asking them what other dates suit them. You've offere alternatives and those have been ignored.
If they're so keen to come at Easter they can. They'll just have to wait till you're back to see their grandchildren.

Lotkinsgonecurly Sun 17-Feb-13 11:25:54

They are welcome to come at easter but you wont be there!!we'll be back on tjis date great to see you after this.
Dont let them bully you!!

MusicalEndorphins Sun 17-Feb-13 11:23:29

Just repeat that you won't be there at Easter.
They are being very unreasonable.

DesiderataHollow Sun 17-Feb-13 11:07:21

Really really really, what Squitten said.
Say that if they do come for Easter that if they want to see the baby they will have to wait until you get back from visiting your mother and celebrating her birthday.
Give dates that you will be there.

Lather, rinse, repeat, ad infinitum.

Squitten Sun 17-Feb-13 09:17:33

Agree with everyone else. Very simple:

"As you know, the children and I are going to be visiting with my mother over Easter. Please let me know which other date suits."

Send it to them all, including your DH, and keep sending it in response to every single message. Simple. If your DH wants to have them over for Easter, good for him. Doesn't change your plans. Unless he specifically tells you to change your plans, there is no problem.

If they dislike you anyway, what have you got to lose?

anonacfr Sun 17-Feb-13 09:03:15

I'd say send an email to husband AND ILs saying that. The broken record thing obviously hasn't worked in the past- why waste your energy?
Tell them 'I'm going to xxx from xx to xx hope you have a nice time with your son'.
You've planned your visit to your mother for MONTHS. Don't let them bully you. Would you actually cancel seeing your own mother who can't even travel to appease them?

I think a fait accompli is in order. DH has to tell them either, "sorry you won't see retro and the baby, then, they won't be here" or "as we said, Easter isn't an option, here are the dates again...". No, maybe this or what about that. Just a broken record, "retro is seeing her mum at Easter, retro is seeing her mum at Easter, retro is seeing her mum at Easter, retro is seeing her mum at Easter, retro is seeing her mum at Easter, retro is seeing her mum at Easter" until they back down.

You have to get DH onside. He may need the same broken record from you, "I'm seeing my Mum at Easter" repeat until bored.

anonacfr Sat 16-Feb-13 12:36:30

Tell them they're very welcome to come at Easter and hopefully they'll stay long enough that you can see them when you come back from visiting your mother.
In the meantime they'll get to spend quality time with their son. Then reiterate that you are waiting on your work dates to finalise the trip you've been planning for months.

Email them and your husband at the same time and let him deal with the fallout.

Enough bullshit from them. You've been more than accommodating- if they want to come, let them!

MyDarlingClementine Sat 16-Feb-13 11:46:14

I used to worry and feel sorry too - and I still do from time to time, but I keep reminding myself I am not here to please them.

I have to put myself and my family first.

MyDarlingClementine Sat 16-Feb-13 11:45:11

"Do not back down on this or I think it'll be a very slippery slope"

This ^ is very true as myself and my DH know only too well.

We were emotionally blackmailed into visiting a relative over seas. However not being entirely deviod of a heart we capitutalted. But I said I would like to stay elsewhere NOT in the relatives home.

We were bombared with emails, told we were cruel, and in the end we decided that I would stay behind and DH would take the baby.

I cannot tell you how horrendous is has been since. We have been bullied and called, texted, emailed, had FIL coming to our door to hound us - because he knows we capitulated once before and had a good chance of doing it again.
Having said that since then we have stood firm and they still try it on.

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