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to just do my own thing? (DH & IL related - bit trivial)

(123 Posts)
retrocutie Tue 05-Feb-13 04:51:34

OK, so we live abroad and have just had a baby. I told DM that I would take the baby (and our other kids) home to visit her at Easter, which is also her birthday. Just for a bit of background, DM suffers from an anxiety disorder similar to agoraphobia, so can't travel.

IL's emailed us a few weeks ago to tell us that they are coming over to meet the new baby. That's great, except they said they are thinking of coming for Easter. I immediately drafted a reply and sent it to DH (he was at work) along the lines of: retrocutie is taking the kids to visit her DM at Easter, but you can come at any of these other dates [half terms, etc.]. I then set out a list of dates.

Anyway, that was ages ago and DH has still not sent the email. Every time I ask him about it, he says "well, I told IL's to check with us before they actually book anything". My concern is that they will go to all the trouble of organising their holiday at Easter (they also have DC in another country they need to visit), then DH will say they can't come. Or alternatively they'll book it then I'll have to cancel my trip to visit DM, who would be heartbroken.

I don't know what to do. If I email IL's, it will be a case of 'Bad RetroCutie not allowing us to visit our DG" (they don't like me).

Shall I just leave it all to DH and go at Easter as planned? Or is that BU, considering it might screw up the IL's plans? Not sure what to do. Thanks.

retrocutie Sun 10-Feb-13 06:14:18

HollyBerryBush, unfortunately I do not trust him as far as his family are concerned sad

Right, I wasn't going to ask, but I think it's time.

Is any of this down to a clash of cultures? I only ask because of some of your phraseology. You have also said ILs don't live in UK, so presumably not an unreasonable question.

I have seen threads before with similar markers & it's always been ILs from a society with different views on wife's duties.

This info might help retro

retrocutie Sun 10-Feb-13 07:30:31

Hi there, no, we're all white Westerners.

Ok, just an idea. Then no excuses. For anyone.

ILs shouldn't be so rude. Pull them on it.

DH needs to share info with you & stop being so lazy.

And you desperately need a backbone.

Go to your mun's & get over what they might think. It's either real or imagined, either way nothing is going to change if the same pattern of behaviour continues.

retrocutie Sun 10-Feb-13 07:40:18

Yeah, you're right. They all know I plan to go to Mum's "at Easter" so I'll just let them get on with it.

TidyDancer England Sun 10-Feb-13 07:50:02

I don't think DH has to show or tell you every single detail of his emails to his family, but you should know about the ones that are relevant to your plans.

Tbh, you have told DH of what you plan to do, and as long as he is happy with you going to see your mum, the rest of the situation is his to deal with now. If you are not willing to email your ILs yourself (which still seems the most obvious solution tbh) then you have to let DH deal with it. If he chooses to be vague (although since your plans are still up in the air, I'm not sure what else he could've said?) and you don't clarify this, then there isn't a lot else to do.

This is probably a discussion you need to have when you have firmed up your holiday with your new job.

RubyGates Sun 10-Feb-13 08:34:33

As you know that you can't win whatever you do, it's really much better for everyone concerned to leave them in no doubt about what your plans are. Please email your ILs (with your already prepared email) and copy-in your DH with a line about how you know he's busy, and you want to make sure that no-one is disappointed by his complete lack of organisation

That way at least you have taken some control back of your own life. You really can't win whatever you decide to do, but at least this will put you in a position of power.

anonacfr France Tue 12-Feb-13 11:56:30

I would send a breezy email to your DH AND his parents (clearly showing that it's sent to all of them so there's no secrecy from your end) titled 'Easter catchup'
You can then say you're waiting to meet your new manager to confirm what dates you'll be able to arrange your trip home on and that you will let everyone know asap so that various arrangements can be put in place.
That way you're acknowledging your ILs' visit but you're also re-iterating that you'll be going home in a positive and non-confrontational way.

If they then decide to get pissed off you would have done your duty and it will be their problem.
No more secrecy or miscommunication or you'll end up (even more of) the bad guy.

Oops. Basically what Ruby said blush

ForexTrader Tue 12-Feb-13 13:00:25

When whatever you do will be wrong then you might as well do what you like.

I am very much in the camp of thinking that if they aren't being nice and accommodating, you needn't be. What seems to be happening is that you are trying to keep people who don't like you and won't work with you happy. All that happens in these circumstances is that they get worse. They all need the consequences of their actions. Do what you are going to do, if they end up there with you and the baby elsewhere, hard cheese.

anonacfr France Tue 12-Feb-13 14:14:55

I agree but I still think a friendly email sent to everyone is the way to go. Hr conscience will be clear and it will take a couple of minutes to write.
Whatever else happens is then their problem.

LemonBreeland Tue 12-Feb-13 14:15:09

Your DH sounds like a complete prick tbh. The deleting parts of emails, is it possible that he is still in touch with SIL and it may have references to that?

Tell him that if his parents coem at Easter he will be entertaining them and on his own.

I find it awful that he allows them to ignore you etc. and doesn't say anything about it.

I agree anon that doing the bare minimum in terms of making sure everyone has the information is a good thing. But, that needs to be the bare minimum. Stop chasing them, worrying about them, trying to understand and manage. Quick email, you've done your bit.

fedupofnamechanging Tue 12-Feb-13 16:23:53

They all sound like manipulative twats. In your position I would make my own arrangements to go home with the dcs and leave 'd'h to manage his own family. If they turn up when you are not there,then tough shit.

All the time you try to manage your husband and the fallout, he sits on his arse and lets you stress, while doing nothing to help you.

daddyorchipsdaddyorchips Tue 12-Feb-13 17:50:27

Actually how about you email them right now and tell your MIL that if she's planning on coming and staying in your home and not even saying a bloody word to you then they're not welcome at all. WHY would you put up with that? And frankly, if your DH won't back you up on that then I would be seriously reconsidering my marriage.

retrocutie Sat 16-Feb-13 10:34:53

OK, so we have just heard back from the PIL. Just to re-cap, we live overseas and they want to visit us to meet our new baby. We gave them a list of dates that would suit us: 1st half term, around DS's birthday, 2nd half term, Summer break... all the school holidays except Easter. We are visiting my mum at Easter as it's her birthday and she has not yet met the new baby. She can't travel to us as she has anxiety issues. This trip was planned when I was pregnant and mum is really looking forward to it.

So, the PIL have said they want to come at Easter. We told me them no, and reiterated that they can come at any of the other times. No, they want to come at Easter.

So today we got an email full of excuses about why they can't come at any other time followed by statements like, "... we thought you'd be pleased to see us", "we want to visit the baby whilst she is still a baby", etc etc. Basically laying on the guilt so that they can come at Easter.

I don't know what to do. Please help. AIBU. Thanks.

RobotLover68 England Sat 16-Feb-13 10:47:00

You reply

"Sorry Easter isn't an option as I'm visiting my DM, do let me know of any other dates you can make and I'll check our diary"

You've got to keep saying "no" to Easter or they'll think if they constantly harp on at you you'll back down and they'll do it again and again - if they still come then let them, you won't be there!

I can't comprehend why you are worrying about people who didn't even speak to you last visit!

CMOTDibbler Sat 16-Feb-13 10:54:04

'Sorry to hear that, hope you'll find a date soon you can visit from the list we sent'.

Its not your problem, so you don't need to solve it

mamas12 Sat 16-Feb-13 10:58:06

retro Yes it is still a no please stay resolute.
Get your oh to email back and ask them if they have received any of the other emals texts about Easter not being an option for them because it sounds like they are having trouble with their computer otherwise.
Then sympathise with them with their emotional blackmail saying yes we agree what a pity you can't come to see them on the dates we gave you and what a shame you will miss our lovely baby and lets hope you can work out a suitable date on the dates you gave them. Looking forward to seeing you on **repeat the dates you want them to come.

It is a case of repeat repeat repeat. Don't give in they will come when you want them to you have the baby they want to see smile

LemonBreeland Sat 16-Feb-13 11:09:44

Agree with the others, keep saying no, add in a sorry what a pity. Don't give in to the emotional blackmail.

MyDarlingClementine England Sat 16-Feb-13 11:26:56

retrocutie

You have my deepest sympathy, you are in such a horrid situation and what makes it worse is that you care about it.

There is Always an oak - usually the MIL or the PIL and a willow usually the person on here not able to take it anymore.

However you MUST NOT be bullied by these people.

Your poor mother is waiting to see her GC and has limited options because she cant get out to you. These people are not taking into account your poor DM are they? They are not taking your own needs in account that you live away from your DM and would like to see her.

I truelly believe you must stand firm. It is the only way to deal with bullies like this.

The problem is you care about what they think of you.

The whole situation has got out of control.

What I think you should do, is now - quietly get on with your plans. I wouldnt offer up any information to your DH anymore or the in laws.

Keep your own counsel. You have told them many times that the plans clash. You can do no more.

MyDarlingClementine England Sat 16-Feb-13 11:28:33

I disagree with posters saying she should engage with them.

They do not care about her feelings at all and they will just keep tugging her heart strings.

I would say - dis engage and ignore.

You need to learn not to care, if they turn up and have gone to alot of trouble and you arnt there - so what!!!!

Its thier choice its nothing to do with you.

MayTheOddsBeEverInYourFavour Sat 16-Feb-13 11:32:24

YANBU. At. All.

Do not back down on this or I think it'll be a very slippery slope

Just get your DH to tell them that they are welcome to come on one of the other dates you suggested or that they are welcome to visit but you and the baby will not be there. It really is that simple, don't let them or your DH turn this into being your problem when it's not

MyDarlingClementine England Sat 16-Feb-13 11:45:11

"Do not back down on this or I think it'll be a very slippery slope"

This ^ is very true as myself and my DH know only too well.

We were emotionally blackmailed into visiting a relative over seas. However not being entirely deviod of a heart we capitutalted. But I said I would like to stay elsewhere NOT in the relatives home.

We were bombared with emails, told we were cruel, and in the end we decided that I would stay behind and DH would take the baby.

I cannot tell you how horrendous is has been since. We have been bullied and called, texted, emailed, had FIL coming to our door to hound us - because he knows we capitulated once before and had a good chance of doing it again.
Having said that since then we have stood firm and they still try it on.

MyDarlingClementine England Sat 16-Feb-13 11:46:14

I used to worry and feel sorry too - and I still do from time to time, but I keep reminding myself I am not here to please them.

I have to put myself and my family first.

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