to just do my own thing? (DH & IL related - bit trivial)

(123 Posts)
retrocutie Tue 05-Feb-13 04:51:34

OK, so we live abroad and have just had a baby. I told DM that I would take the baby (and our other kids) home to visit her at Easter, which is also her birthday. Just for a bit of background, DM suffers from an anxiety disorder similar to agoraphobia, so can't travel.

IL's emailed us a few weeks ago to tell us that they are coming over to meet the new baby. That's great, except they said they are thinking of coming for Easter. I immediately drafted a reply and sent it to DH (he was at work) along the lines of: retrocutie is taking the kids to visit her DM at Easter, but you can come at any of these other dates [half terms, etc.]. I then set out a list of dates.

Anyway, that was ages ago and DH has still not sent the email. Every time I ask him about it, he says "well, I told IL's to check with us before they actually book anything". My concern is that they will go to all the trouble of organising their holiday at Easter (they also have DC in another country they need to visit), then DH will say they can't come. Or alternatively they'll book it then I'll have to cancel my trip to visit DM, who would be heartbroken.

I don't know what to do. If I email IL's, it will be a case of 'Bad RetroCutie not allowing us to visit our DG" (they don't like me).

Shall I just leave it all to DH and go at Easter as planned? Or is that BU, considering it might screw up the IL's plans? Not sure what to do. Thanks.

SirBoobAlot Tue 05-Feb-13 13:14:47

They sound like twats and your DH sounds like a right piece of work. TBH you'd be better off without the three of them.

frustratedashell Tue 05-Feb-13 13:23:58

I agree with Boob. Stand up for yourself. Why does MIL not like you? Why does DH not stand up for you? Do not allow yourself to be manipulated by these people.

RattyRoland Tue 05-Feb-13 14:00:15

If they emailed dh and he's not bothered to tell them its not convenient then its his problem if they turn up and you're not there. Take your dc to see your dm and don't cancel!

Yfronts Tue 05-Feb-13 14:17:45

forward your original email to them and say you wanted to highlight the best dates for visits.

Yfronts Tue 05-Feb-13 14:21:01

Why not just email all the family generally with photos of the kids and an update about the last few months. You could also mention that you are looking forward to visiting your Mum over the Easter hols and have planned xx and xx while you are in the UK.

TryDrawing Tue 05-Feb-13 15:55:14

Would you expect your H to arrange things with your DM? If not, why should it be up to you to make plans with his parents?

You have discussed your plans with him and given exact dates when you will not be at home. That is all you need to do.

LucilleBluth Tue 05-Feb-13 16:06:04

Why do the ILs sound like 'twats' and 'dickheads'........they asked for a time to visit and haven't been given a response.....some people are so anti -in -laws it's funny.

OP man up and send them a fucking e mail.

EldritchCleavage Tue 05-Feb-13 17:37:37

The one thing I think you urgently need to do is tell your husband that whatever happens with his parents YOU ARE NOT CANCELLING YOUR TRIP TO SEE YOUR MOTHER. It sounds as though you usually give in to things, so he and the ILs have no incentive to get organised. They can just make you change plans at the last minute.

Please make sure he knows that's not going to happen this time (why should it? You made and told him your plans long ago). I think you might find when he realises he can't get you to drop everything and save the day, he might just sort things out with his parents.

DreamingOfTheMaldives Tue 05-Feb-13 18:10:35

Her 'D'H is being a lazy git and not contacting HIS parents to let them know that the dates they want to visit are not suitable and yet the OP gets slated by some you confused

I still dont see why you cant just visit them both here at easter?

If he doesn't stop them coming he's going to drop you right in it, making you look like the unreasonable one for going to see your parents, when you "knew" they were coming to see the baby. Email them yourself, even if it rubs them wrong, it's not going to rub them as wrong as turning up to find you left the country. You Dh is being a big dick over the whole thing.

retrocutie Wed 06-Feb-13 02:29:01

I still dont see why you cant just visit them both here at easter?

Because ILs don't live in the UK.

Thanks for all your replies. I really don't want to email them as I know it will cause bad feeling. We didn't speak to them for nearly 2 years over problems with SIL. DH did say that he told them to talk to him before they booked anything, so I don't think they would waste their money. Nonetheless, it might be a huge inconvenience for them if they plan everything only to be told they can't come.

Even though they don't like me, I still feel a bit sorry for them.

Is there any way your DM could pay for your ticket and you could pay her back in March?

Also, it sounds like your DH is not useless, it sounds like he is a shit. He is doing nothing knowing his DM will make you feel like shit. He also has her in your house when she ignores you. Frankly, she wouldn't be welcome in my house. I cannot believe you feel sorry for them.

retrocutie Wed 06-Feb-13 04:18:36

No, DM hasn't worked for years and is always broke, bless her. Also I start my new job next week, so I am going to have to clear it with them to take the time off. Even if I only get Good Friday and Easter Monday off though, it will be fine. We could fly home on the Friday, spend Saturday and Sunday with Mum, then fly back on Monday.

You know, I do wonder about DH. Is it flakiness or wilful defiance something else?

I do find it really interesting that you put "bit trivial" in your thread title. Your DM wants to see your child, your DH won't prioritise your needs, your ILs are treating you like dirt, you fully expect to have to change your plans to suit everyone else. That is NOT trivial and maybe if you stopped treating your needs as if they were trivial your DH and ILs would start to understand they can't walk all over you.

It is not flakiness to watch your mother ignore your DW in their home. It is an unwillingness to support your spouse. You really need to draw some lines in the sand. When you have a baby, you are a mother, channel that inner power and tell them you are going home at Easter.

I am also curious about you not having money for tickets until March. Is everyone skint (I know that feeling) or is money in your house not shared?

I read that back and realise I am sound really bossy. Feel free to ignore me grin

retrocutie Wed 06-Feb-13 06:50:41

Hi MrsTP, my DH barely earns enough to support us. However, I start a new job next week, so things will improve with two salaries. The first thing I want to do is to visit DM with the baby.

Yeah, the IL's are not very nice. But it's all so subtle so if I say anything, it makes me look petty. The main issue is that we don't speak to SIL. I have talked about it loads on here, and the general consensus was that we were right to cut her out of our lives. However, obviously the IL's don't see it that way. Another issue for them visiting is that they constantly go on about SIL to the DC. I feel like they're manipulating them so that they'll ask to see her.

SirBoobAlot Wed 06-Feb-13 08:50:25

You're perfectly within your rights to say to the ILs before they come "We don't want you speaking about SIL. She is someone we have chosen not to be involved with, so the DCs also will not. You talking about her to them is not going to change that, and is unfair on them. If you don't agree to stop this, we will have to reconsider how your visits take place".

I don't know the back story to your SIL, but I'm sure you didn't just cut her off for the fun of it.

And I would email them, I'd also tell your DH you were going to email them, including the details about going to see your DM, and the 'condition' above.

Say something. Who cares if it makes you look petty if they don't like you anyway? Your DH either has no spine or is controlling. So you need to take the power here.

lottiegarbanzo Wed 06-Feb-13 10:48:03

I agree with MrsTP (and don't mind sounding bossy, as exhibited yesterday). You say your PILs stayed at your house and did not speak to you at all during the visit - that is not subtle.

You also said that when you remind your DP of the need for you to visit your DM, he claims she could travel as she's faking illness and 'that is the end of the conversation'. Why do you allow that to be the end?

Your comeback is something like, 'she is not faking (and I find that suggestion hurtful), she will only see the DCs and I if we visit her, so that is what we will be doing, at least once... (a year / every six months, insert as relevant). The best time this year is Easter, so, unless you come up with a better plan, fitting in a visit to her at a time that suits her, in the next couple of weeks (or however long is available before you need to commit to travel), we will be visiting her at Easter.' Clear statement of intent, ball in his court if anything different - but equally suitable - is to happen.

Why are your wishes and your relationship with your mother so unimportant to your DP? Is he scared of his parents, or does he not care about you and how you feel? Either way, there's a problem he needs to address.

retrocutie Sun 10-Feb-13 05:22:29

OK, sorry to drag this up again. So DH has spoken to MIL, by email. He told me that she said "Easter would be perfect", but he told her that we might not be here. But then he said maybe they could come for the bit of Easter that we were here for. He did his usual trick of being so vague that he doesn't actually have to commit to anything.

Anyway, the bit that has pissed me off is that I asked him to forward me the email conversation between him and MIL. I said, "please send it now" (DH is at work). The reason I asked for it "now" is because I didn't want him to have a chance to edit it. I appreciate that that makes me sound paranoid, but he has a history of not telling me things.

So he sent me the email conversation and there are clearly emails missing, as there are references to things that aren't there, IYSWIM. I hate the fact that he has these private little conversations with his family that I am not privy to. It makes me really anxious and always causes a row. I never know what's going on.

I am really pissed off. Am I being unreasonable, do you think?

YANBU about the emails. You need a come to Jesus talk with Dh, this secretive crap and being vague, with his Mum and with you about what is said and decided will put extra strain on the marriage and make things very tense and miserable. Time he grew a pair and realized you and the kids are his family first, and not the enemy and he needs to get on side double quick.

I think YAB a bit U about this.

If you're right & mil has emailed something vile, is DH trying to shield you from it? It could be for your sake or it could simply b be that he can't be arsed with the row, but stil, not entirely U of him.

HollyBerryBush Sun 10-Feb-13 06:06:55

The whole thing us a bit weird really.

He wont tell his parents when you are visiting yours - thats the bit I don't get. If he said you are away between X&Y dates, is there likely to be a god almighty fall out?

I would just take the stance wof 'I'm going on X-Y, do what you feel best for your parents' and let them get on with it.

I do have to say, demanding copies of email conversations just brings you down to his/their level, that just shows lack of trust on your part.

FWIW, I wouldnt be entertaining anyone in my hosue that chose to ignore me - no right of course to stop him seeing his parents, but I wouldnt be doing the fetching and carrying and be made to feel like an outsider, therefore I deduce that X&Y dates when you are away is absolutely the perfect time for them to visit becasue you won't be there.

I also agree that you are euqlly capable of emailing his parents - I would just a FYI email that you wont be there on X&Y dates, , you don't even need to get into any pleasentries or other information exchanges.

retrocutie Sun 10-Feb-13 06:10:44

I don't think she has emailed anything vile as such. In fact, I am not sure why he is so secretive. He's always been the same as far as his family are concerned. They clearly don't like me, but he pretends that they do. Whenever I do read any emails the MIL has sent, there is always some subtle passive-aggressive comment that puts my back up grin

retrocutie Sun 10-Feb-13 06:13:06

I guess I am not helping the situation. I have just started a new job and haven't yet met with my manager, so I can't be certain what days I can have off. Which is why I said I am going home "at Easter", so that they could come at either of the half-terms or for DS's birthday.

It's just unfortunate that they now want to visit "at Easter".

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