to just do my own thing? (DH & IL related - bit trivial)

(123 Posts)
retrocutie Tue 05-Feb-13 04:51:34

OK, so we live abroad and have just had a baby. I told DM that I would take the baby (and our other kids) home to visit her at Easter, which is also her birthday. Just for a bit of background, DM suffers from an anxiety disorder similar to agoraphobia, so can't travel.

IL's emailed us a few weeks ago to tell us that they are coming over to meet the new baby. That's great, except they said they are thinking of coming for Easter. I immediately drafted a reply and sent it to DH (he was at work) along the lines of: retrocutie is taking the kids to visit her DM at Easter, but you can come at any of these other dates [half terms, etc.]. I then set out a list of dates.

Anyway, that was ages ago and DH has still not sent the email. Every time I ask him about it, he says "well, I told IL's to check with us before they actually book anything". My concern is that they will go to all the trouble of organising their holiday at Easter (they also have DC in another country they need to visit), then DH will say they can't come. Or alternatively they'll book it then I'll have to cancel my trip to visit DM, who would be heartbroken.

I don't know what to do. If I email IL's, it will be a case of 'Bad RetroCutie not allowing us to visit our DG" (they don't like me).

Shall I just leave it all to DH and go at Easter as planned? Or is that BU, considering it might screw up the IL's plans? Not sure what to do. Thanks.

MarilynValentine Tue 05-Feb-13 10:19:28

You're getting mostly YANBU and some YABU but everyone is saying the same thing:

Book non-refundable tickets and go. Tell your DH.

And email them. And just deal with their reaction. If you make a stand now you can start to change their expectations (and your DH's) that they always come first.

They can happily sometimes come first, but not all.

I know it's shit. But you're going to have to be courageous and get a handle on the situation here. The longer you wait for others to be reasonable and fair (when they're not), the weaker and more disempowered you will feel.

Good luck.

Agree with others - send an email yourself, or tell your dh that if he doesn't send the email today (ffs, all he needs to do is add the addresses, right?)

Personally, I'd cheerfully drop my dh in it if he'd been messing about/manipulating the situation "Sorry dh hasnt got round to emailing you as he's massively busy at work, so thought I should let you know. Me and dcs are not going to be around that week - such a shame. But we can do xxxx.

If they don't like you, you'll be the bad guy whatever happens, so you might as well get the situation sorted - longer you leave it, worse it looks, imo.

MortifiedAdams Tue 05-Feb-13 11:01:28

You are being petty because you have drafted an email for your DH to send.

Either get him to send an email or call ("oi, DH, let your family know we have plans over easter"). Dont draft one for.him. Or send a one yourself or call them.

Tough shit if they go.in a huff - their problem. I seriously think you are making a mountain out of a molehill here.

MortifiedAdams Tue 05-Feb-13 11:04:11

And to the rest of you who.are saying her DH is obviously a prick - we only know what OP id telling us and considering she wont even tell her ILs she is busy over easter, Im reluctant to Husband-Bash as it all feels a bit one sided atm.

EyesCrossedLegsAkimbo Tue 05-Feb-13 11:08:55

By not replying to his parents he is agreeing Easter is good for him. Sounds like he is punishing you for your poor Mothers illness.

Book your tickets now.

retrocutie Tue 05-Feb-13 11:15:44

OK, I have sent him another reminder to contact the ILs. I have also pointed out that we need to know when they are coming so that we can both book time off work.

Me and the ILs don't really communicate. MIL was here last year and didn't say a word to me the whole time she was here. As soon as she got DH alone, she was her normal chatterbox self. There is a lot of bad feeling unfortunately. I have tried so hard over the years, but I don't think I will ever win them over.

WhichIsBest Tue 05-Feb-13 11:16:42

I do think you should mail them too. Why not if you are damned if you do and damned (and inconvenienced) if you don't?

retrocutie Tue 05-Feb-13 11:17:51

I guess I'm a bit frightened to? Stupid, I know. Also, from experience I suspect that they would probably ignore the email and just go with whatever DH has told them.

EasilyBored Tue 05-Feb-13 11:20:14

How many times to people on here complain about their inlaws and get told that they should be getting their OH to deal with them? So why should this be any different? The OP has explained what will happen if she emails them, has asked her OH repeatedly to contact them and let them know. You've done your bit OP, book your trip to see your mum, and let OH deal with the fall out of him not bothering to contact his own parents.

retrocutie Tue 05-Feb-13 11:28:46

Thanks EasilyBored. That's where I'm kind of at with it all. Also, instead of waiting for Useless DH to contact them, why don't they contact me? They have my email address, home phone and mobile number.

lottiegarbanzo Tue 05-Feb-13 11:33:06

They should get their OH to deal with them IF they are confident he WILL deal with them. The OP here knows he will not but is knowingly (thus deliberately) allowing the situation to worsen, so that's it's likely the PILs will book tickets before she's acted in any way. That is quite childish, however unpleasant they may be or how useless or manipulaitive her DH.

OP, have you booked your trip to see your DM yet? please do and send a copy of the confirmation emial to your DH.

I know I and others are being quite harsh but it's because you're being so frustrating. YWNBU at all to book your trip to see your mother. You are in a position to do this but apparently won't. You seem to be dithering and allowing yourself to be pushed around by people who don't have your best interests at heart. Thus you are colluding with them, against your own and your mother's interests. That is your choice and you need to own it, not sit about passively blaming everyone else - or make a different choice and own that.

Trills Tue 05-Feb-13 11:33:46

Is there are reason why he is being crap?

You wrote the bloody email for him.

I would have just said "well obviously we can't do Easter as blah blah blah, send them some other dates and then put it on the calendar"

retrocutie Tue 05-Feb-13 11:40:45

The thing is, I can't actually afford to book our tickets until I get paid at the end of March. Otherwise believe me, I would have booked them by now.

NatashaBee Tue 05-Feb-13 11:41:10

Your DH is being very unhelpful. You shouldn't have to, but I would just email them and explain that your DH has been putting off telling them. What's the worst that could happen, since they are already not talking to you?

lottiegarbanzo Tue 05-Feb-13 11:47:23

Ok but you can reiterate that you WILL be going to see your DM then, give your DH the dates and start to make whatever practical arrangements are necessary.

Contacting your PILs is a separate issue, it is just about about showing basic consideration towards them, (as you would to anyone, however much you might dislike them) so they know not to book for Easter and waste their money.

Obviously there's a issue here between you and your DH about whether your and DM's wishes carry any value in your family and I'm sure that's much bigger than this incident but, for your DM's sake, you can be firm about this visit.

Could you not tell them you are going to visit your mum at easter and while you are over here go and visit them too?

Hullygully Tue 05-Feb-13 11:52:47

email them in dh's name obvs

DesperatelySeekingSedatives Tue 05-Feb-13 11:52:48

YANBU you've made arrangements already, you've offered up various other times they can come to visit, your DH can suffer the fall out if they go off on one. Go away to see your mum with your DC and have a fab time smile

Pandemoniaa Tue 05-Feb-13 11:59:25

It sounds as if you are going to be in the wrong whatever you do. However, it's not fair to let them assume they are visiting at Easter if you are going to be away so send an email saying that you've already made arrangements to be elsewhere. There's no way that your dm should suffer from your dh's inability to contact his parents.

RattyRoland Tue 05-Feb-13 12:03:00

Yanbu. Did ils email you or dh?if it was dh, I'd book your tickets and definitely NOT cancel if ils turn up at easter.

If ils emailed you, I'd reply yourself with alternative dates. Good luck!

retrocutie Tue 05-Feb-13 12:19:43

They only ever email DH at work or call him on his mobile.

But Easter is the end of March. If you wait until Easter to book tickets it's gonna cost a fortune!
Can DH help you out for now or does he not get paid until end March as well.
Wow - you MIL doesn't even talk to you in your own house!? What is wrong with people? That is just rude and I wouldn't be putting up with it in my house. Seriously, no way would I welcome someone in that wasn't even going to communicate with me! That's just crazy. She either grows up or doesn't come at all.
Anyway....... You should email them and let them know the situation. Pure basics. I'm away with the baby from XX to XX but you are welcome to come on XXX dates. Let us know when so we can book time off. Done!
I really do think you need to start standing up to them. If it's gone on for years then you've nothing to lose.
Good luck and enjoy your trip to see your Mum.

KobayashiMaru Tue 05-Feb-13 12:53:45

Don't have them in your house at all. why should you host people who won't even speak to you? I wouldn't let them over the doorstep if I were you.
Your DH is a bit of a useless prick as well.

Herrena Tue 05-Feb-13 12:59:23

If they don't like you, you'll be the bad guy whatever happens, so you might as well get the situation sorted - longer you leave it, worse it looks, imo.

This!^^

They sound like dickheads and your DH doesn't sound much better.

I'd email them and cc your DH in on his work email.

fosterdream Tue 05-Feb-13 12:59:50

Agree with kobay I wouldn't and don't let MIL in my house because of the way it has treated me.

if your DH hasn't let them know when you're going then I would email saying you have already booked you're tickets but if they still want to go over they can but sadly you won't be there. Maybe this is what they want?

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