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Stopping the "holidaying with the IL's" routine

(95 Posts)
Kat101 Fri 01-Feb-13 15:36:19

For the past 7 years we have mostly holidayed with the IL's. This worked well at first - they were a bit younger, we only had one DC, everyone took turns and everyone got a bit of down time / time off to do adult stuff. We always booked a holiday cottage and self catered so everyone was happy.

However, and in the last year in particular, this is not working for me any more. The IL's are older, we have 3 young DC (7, 4, 2) and so they don't help any more. They take their own time out but don't offer us any (until 10pm when the last child is in bed and i'm falling asleep on the sofa). But they think they do help! Sitting with your eyes closed on a lounger while the (then) 1yo runs around an open space is apparently "keeping an eye out". There are many more examples such as this - last year I was counting the hours til we could leave (DH and DC1 had a sick bug and I cleaned puke up all day) while my MIL was pressurising asking me whether we could phone the owner and extend our stay as the sun was out!

I totally appreciate that they are not obliged to help in any way. But I want a holiday where I actually get a holiday too! Not one where I'm just doing all the washing / cleaning / childcare etc to support the running of the cottage while enabling them to enjoy the holiday. It also gets on my goat that they have several holidays a year (luxury abroad type ones) and we have one holiday in the UK (share the cost jointly with them).

I am by nature a people pleaser and I know they will argue the point if we mention that we are going to book a holiday alone. MIL will be "hurt" and "missing out time with her gc" (they live 5 hours away), etc etc. DH will support what I want, he is laid back about such things although doesn't feel as strongly about this as I do.

So, aibu? And how could I tell them that joint holidays are off the agenda? (sorry for the essay)

How will not going on holiday with them mean you have any less cooking, cleaning or childcare to do?

ENormaSnob Fri 01-Feb-13 15:43:12

Yanbu

Kat101 Fri 01-Feb-13 15:46:19

At least we can do the hard graft on our own terms and timescales, rather than having to fit around and consider them as well as the kids.

wineandroses Fri 01-Feb-13 15:50:45

As children get older, holiday needs change. You shouldn't always have to holiday with the ILs, you need family holidays too, where you can focus on your own family and not have to worry about making it fit with IL's needs (example - holidays where lots of walking will be done, may not suit elderly inlaws).

Tell them you want a different type of holiday, maybe you want to caravan/camp/sail, whatever, and, in years that you can afford two holidays, you'll have a second (shorter) holiday with them (if you want to, of course).

diddl Fri 01-Feb-13 15:51:01

You had me at "for the past 7yrs..."

There doesn´t really have to be a reason does there-just that you don´t fancy it this year/ever again.

It´s not as if it´s their only chance of a holiday!

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Fri 01-Feb-13 15:51:04

Is this UK holiday with PILs for a week or a fortnight? Why not suggest a long weekend in lieu of a 7 10 or 14 day break? If MIL wants to see more the children, she and FIL could come and stay at a B&B near you during term time.

To be fair it's their business how often they go away or what level of holiday they can afford.

rainbow2000 Fri 01-Feb-13 15:51:07

Just dont tell them problem solved.Or just tell them that you want a child friendly place as the kids are getting older and they want to do more activities.

Then maybe spend a weekend wit them them before you go or when you come back to avoid the blackmail.

MaxPepsi Fri 01-Feb-13 15:52:59

How will not going on holiday with them mean you have any less cooking, cleaning or childcare to do?

She'll have 2 less people to look after for a start.

I'd be tempted to tell her you are thinking of putting a stop to it, then if she complains about not seeing the kids, just bugger off out and leave her to it.

Moknicker Fri 01-Feb-13 15:53:23

"they were a bit younger, ..... so everyone was happy. However,... The IL's are older"

God help you when you get older OP.

Obviously I think YABU. Cant you talk through the issue with them and all pitch in for a catered cottage or with some cleaning help?

atthewelles Fri 01-Feb-13 15:56:33

I agree you should all sit down and consider some kind of compromise. Just suddenly stopping the extended family holiday could really upset your ILs or make them feel not wanted. Would your ILs, for example, be prepared to pay a little bit more than their share of the cost so that you could afford a small hotel or guest house somewhere?

TheVermiciousKnid Fri 01-Feb-13 15:58:01

Does your husband help with washing/cleaning/childcare etc or is it all left to you?

theoriginalandbestrookie Fri 01-Feb-13 15:58:49

I like Donkeys suggestion, or if you are away for a fortnight, they could come for a few days ( make sure its at the end rather than at the beginning or they will end up staying for the full period).

Or you could suggest that now the children are more active that you stay in two lodges that are beside each other but not in the same one.

Or perhaps if you drop out they will offer to pay for it so you could have two holidays per year grin

Monicker I think you are missing the point somewhat. Catered cottages are hugely expensive - it would be cheaper to go abroad than stay in one.

Naturally the OP is going to have different plans and expectations that the aging ILs for a holiday, who lest we forget also have foreign holidays by themselves unlike the OP and her family.

I dunno, it seems like the main complaints are that ILs won't look after kids until they are in bed and they have lots of foreign holidays.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MegBusset Fri 01-Feb-13 16:09:31

YANBU at all. Of course you're not obliged to holiday with the ILs if you don't feel like it!

Just book a holiday for just you, DH and the DC. Don't tell them until after you've booked it then it's a fait accompli and there won't be any point them moaning about it. Perhaps you could also either go and stay with them for a few days/long weekend or invite them to yours, then they won't feel like they've missed out on time with the DC.

boodles Fri 01-Feb-13 16:14:53

I do not think you are being unreasonable for you to want your only holiday a year to be just you, your husband and kids. You are not obligated to go on holiday with your inlaws. I have been on holiday with mine every year for the past 7 years too. I only do it for my husband so he can get some quality time with his parents. My husband is very good and I know if I didn't want to go with them then he would be fine.

BabyRoger Fri 01-Feb-13 16:19:32

I don't think YABU. I wouldn't want my only or main holiday each year to be with the IL's.

Just say you wish to have your own holidays from now on.

however, it does sound a bit like this has only come about because you are pissed off they don't provide childcare

Can you afford to have your own holiday plus a weekend with them as a compromise?

Crinkle77 Fri 01-Feb-13 16:24:34

If you went on holiday without them then you wuld still have to do everything. Can't you suggest a week abroad all inclusive then there would be no cooking, washing up etc... Or even a hotel in this country?

atthewelles Fri 01-Feb-13 16:25:28

I think just going out and booking a holiday without letting them know you've decided to change plans this year would be unkind and hurtful. At least, if you're going to let them down, do it tactfully and consideratly.

I still think it would be worth trying to find a compromise first though.

ledkr Fri 01-Feb-13 16:31:39

Ah op come to my thread in chat where there are lots of people who would rather eat their own eyes than holiday with parents or in laws.
You could get a cheap holiday in the med with a kids club and no cooking for the price of a uk cottage.

ledkr Fri 01-Feb-13 16:34:00

I don't think just because you holiday with relatives every year, that you bed to compromise when you want a change.
Imagine if we applied that to all areas if our lives. Just tell then you fancy something different now the dc are older you aren't beholden to them.

boodles Fri 01-Feb-13 16:36:55

Why should she have to compromise? When you marry someone it doesn't mean you are obligated to go on holiday with their parents till the end of time.

To those who are saying she should compromise or choose a holiday which would suit them both so she still goes away them, do you go on holiday every year with your inlaws? And if you do, do you intend to do it until they die?

Stropzilla Fri 01-Feb-13 16:40:14

Why not just say "We fancy a holiday with just the kids and us this year, although we di enjoy spending time with you too maybe we can all go on a long weekend later in the year?"

If they argue just keep repeating til they get the message. Missing out on time with DGCs needn't happen just a shorter period on a different date.

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