"Im your mother, there is nothing that could make me stop loving you" ....

(86 Posts)
HollyBerryBush Fri 25-Jan-13 20:47:31

...a line on one of those god awful Cartoon Network cartoons.

It made me think, is there anything that could stop you loving your child?

Mass murderer? serial killer? Would you still love them? visit them in prison? Drug addict? thief? consumate liar? killing a sibling?

Is there anything that would be the final line and no going back in your relationship with your child?

AIBU to ask what your deal breaker would be?

piprabbit Sat 26-Jan-13 10:56:44

I can't ever imagine my love for my children being replaced with any other emotions. Indifference? Hatred? I may loathe the things they do, I may no longer like them as a person, I may have to choose not to see them or support them, but there will always be a background of love for the child I raised and the person I hoped they would become. There would be an awful lot of blame for myself too - as I think I would assume that I had let them down in some way for them to become a person I did not feel able to love openly and whole-heartedly.

ImperialBlether Sat 26-Jan-13 10:54:04

Poppy, I have to say that's why I couldn't adopt if I had my own birth children too. In that situation I just couldn't forgive the adopted child and wouldn't want to ever see them again.

PoppyWearer Sat 26-Jan-13 10:47:03

Has anyone else seen the episode of "Wallander" (the original Scandi one with subtitles) where the adopted son kills the natural son of his parents (as children) and until he confesses the suspicion falls on a local man known to be a paedophile or child killer (I forget which) who lives with his mother and she is the only one who loves him - and then a brick is thrown through the window and kills his mother.

The other mother, of the children, decides to continue to care for the adopted son (after finding out he killed her natural son) and says "who else will love him now?". He is like the younger version of the man, IYSWIM.

It's very well written/acted and an excellent exploration of this theme.

FWIW, I think that I would love my children, even if I didn't like them/hated them for something they had done. I think that maternal/paternal love is something deeper/primeval/chemical/physical that is beyond our conscious control, to do with the propagation of our species.

Jammother Sat 26-Jan-13 10:35:34

oops

Your child should be unconditional but for me there would be some things that would be so unforgivable - sexually abusing a child, murder (different to manslaughter) that it would kill or certainly mute my feelings for my child. My love for my child is unconditional but if they did some of these things then the person whom I thought I loved is not the actual person they are - I am giving unconditional love to someone who only exists in my mind rather than reality. I would disown my child if they were a child abuser - it's a dealbreaker. I was abused myself so if they went down this route, it would be a personal betrayal. If they committed murder then I would have to consider the circumstances.

Jammother Sat 26-Jan-13 10:27:13

I am prepared to be flamed - yes, the love for

MrsMaryCooper Sat 26-Jan-13 10:25:03

No, I think that I would love him whatever he did. In the face of all logic and reason.

TheNebulousBoojum Sat 26-Jan-13 10:15:04

Oh, I could lose respect, be disappointed, be infuriated and want to shake some sense into them.
How would that affect my love for them? Not a jot.

TroublesomeEx Sat 26-Jan-13 10:13:49

oh and she certainly doesn't love me anymore. Her behaviour is testament to that.

TroublesomeEx Sat 26-Jan-13 10:13:05

Well my mum doesn't love me. She once told my brother she must do because she wouldn't want anything "really bad" to happen to me, but it wasn't 'love' in the way she would expect to feel about a child (or felt about my brother).

I don't think I could imagine myself stop loving my children, but I can imagine that I could lose respect for them.

Theicingontop Sat 26-Jan-13 09:06:22

Killing another sibling. That would test it, for sure.

HecateWhoopass Sat 26-Jan-13 09:03:43

No. I dont think there is anything that could make me stop loving my child.

It is possible to hate what they've done, hate what they've become - but still have that powerful love for the baby you gave birth to, the child you raised...

That conflict of feelings must be extremely painful.

exoticfruits Sat 26-Jan-13 07:18:55

I can't imagine not loving them- it is unconditional love. I may not like their behaviour, or I may not get on with them, but that is a different thing.

CheerfulYank Sat 26-Jan-13 04:53:43

I don't think so.

I remember how much Jeffrey Dahmer's parents loved him, right til the end.

I remember someone asking his mother what he was like as a child and she said "he was like any other boy...I thought he was wonderful." It broke my heart. sad

SaraBellumHertz Sat 26-Jan-13 04:53:11

flying I think that is a really interesting point - I could perhaps "forgive" something abhorrent, but more likely to be considered a "one off" like murder, more readily than I could my DC being everything that I loathe and detest as in your example.

SoleSource Sat 26-Jan-13 03:52:20

Who knows until it happens.

I think I could stop loving my children pretty easily. I think if they became Republican, military gun toting members of the westboro baptists I would probably cut them from my life. If they turned into serial killers I would find it easier to love them than if they became the exact opposite of everything I believe in. I watched a documentary today with the daughter of a serial killer talking - she said she loved her Daddy even though she hated what he did. I could understand that - but then when he was with her he was the person she knew and loved. If my kid became a wildly different person with wildly different values, that would possibly be a clincher for me.

DioneTheDiabolist Sat 26-Jan-13 03:21:46

If they do something horrific then my heartache will be so much more than I could ever imagine. But I will still love my DC.

Love is lovely, but it's not always easy.

McNewPants2013 Sat 26-Jan-13 02:38:02

I will always love my DC, but i may not like what they have done but i will love them.

Loving and liking are 2 diffrent things

GothAnneGeddes Sat 26-Jan-13 02:35:14

I don't think you can honestly know for sure.

Generally yes, but what if they did something horrific?

DioneTheDiabolist Sat 26-Jan-13 02:25:44

My love for DS is absolutely unconditional. But it is not passive and certainly does not mean that I have to fawn on him all the time.
He has learnt that i may be cross.
And there will be consequences.
But I always love him.

We have a bedtime routine that doesn't change, regardless of earlier happenings, that makes him feel safe and secure in my love.

No matter what happens I will always love the beautiful, clever, funny person that I know my DS is.

Love doesn't necessarily mean the same as like. I think it's quite possible to love someone and yet thoroughly dislike them. Love isn't too logical, especially where family are involved!

DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved Sat 26-Jan-13 01:44:20

Drat! Sorry on phone with snoring toddler on chest, typing awkward!

I meant stuff like Loving ds = putting him before me, always etc. these are things alot of people might mean, but for some people it's not true. I think there are alot of people whose children are in care who would say they love their children more than anything... Except it isn't enough to feel love, you have to do all the behaviours associated with it to really bring up a child well.

Or an example closer to home, I'm sure my parents say they love me, but they won't help me at all even when I've been desperate, as they are too self obsessed to get beyond their own needs (ie won't take some quick non invasive medical tests that are the only way to explain why I've become disabled, my prognosis, the likelihood of me passing it on to ds, or future children. They won't do it as they say it's too emotional for them, and they've been through too much. They also won't help out practically for the same reason, as it upsets them too much... Basically they put their own feelings ahead of their child & grandchilds physical health. I would rather die than do that to my child.

Not sure if that means they don't love me, or 'love' is a much smaller & less amazing concept than I thought it was.

DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved Sat 26-Jan-13 01:33:03

cory puts it so well!

'love is a baggy word'

It very much is. I think 'we' assume we are conveying a certain set of values & behaviours that are inextricably linked with 'love'... (we being a leap - based on what I used to think so maybe was just me!)

But have realised since having ds that love doesn't necessary mean any if the behaviours I mean. Like, love =

DoJo Sat 26-Jan-13 01:21:43

My dad doesn't love me, or at least not by any definition of love that I understand. It seemed quite easy for him - he loves being 'right' more.

livvymc Sat 26-Jan-13 00:47:45

My mum used to say to me, "sometimes I may not like you very much, but I'll always, always love you"
I used to take offence to her saying that when I was 14-15, but looking back, I'm very lucky to still have her love me with some of the things I put her through!
We're like best friends now, and I'm grateful every day that she's still there for me.

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