Mumsnet Talk

Oh, pollo- your post touched me so much........

I haven't read the whole thread yet, but I will shortly.

I was watching a programme last night about prisoners on death row,

There was one bloke who ONLY set out to rape a woman but ended up cutting the throats of the woman and her child.

I can't imagine what I would do if that were my don

Sorry - *son

Mine are only 7 & 3 but if they committed a serious crime I think I would still love them, but for what they were before they committed the crime. And I think I would go through a period of grief for what once was.
I'd imagine then I would have to build up to forgiving them and then loving them again. And the love would be about helping them to change their life / get better.

Nope. Nothing could.

Plenty could make me stop liking him. But never loving him

And doubtless, if he (god forbid) turn out to be a murderer or something else terrible, I expect I would blame myself

perhaps if Ihad a grandchild and my dc was mistreating that grandchild, my feelings for the grandchild might be stronger in that situation. Really can't imagine things like murder, extreme cruelty etc happening so feels abit abstract to me, perhaps when they are grown_up it becomes esasier to envisage them being capable of something like that

I cannot envisage anything which would make me stop loving my adult dc though I sometimes dislike things they say or do ( especially ds)

I can imagine things which would drive me to heartbreak and total despair but like cat girl I would blame myself.

I don't think I could stop loving ds. I can't imagine him doing anything really evil. But if you did have a child who did something terribly wrong, it's possible you could still love your child while being appalled at what they'd done. Or it's possible you would turn away from them in disgust, who knows?

Have just read 'Handsome Brute', the story of a double murderer (not as schlocky as it sounds, honest) whose mother did love him, to the last. And he loved her. Sadly didn't stop him being a sadistic double murderer, who went to the gallows. One positive thing about the book was that the author went to great lengths to do serious research into the story, rather than falling back on the lazy assumption that it must all be the mother's fault.

The other positive to do with mothering was that the writer told the story of the victims, especially the victim who had been wrongly painted as someone who brought it on herself - her daughter was able to finally the truth of her mother's life, not the nonsense the tabloids and writers of cheap horror stories churned out at the time.

Well I guess I can understand how some other parents may, in extreme circumstances stop loving their children....
But for me no, not ever, Ds is practically perfect in every way

I sometimes work with families who, various members have committed crimes and there is an element of denial and a block, so they don't fully process what they have done.

Others have no quarms about disowning their children. Tbh, it is usaully to spare themselves from having to deal with the full force of emotions.

I have some personal experience of close friends, one committed murder and a family member, who i won't say what he done, being in prison long term.

I mourn their acts and the person that they could of been, but tbh, i still have the same feelings for them deep down.

I don't have contact with one of my relatives, to protect my own children, i support one of his children, who was bought up in foster care.

When he is in front of me, i see the 15 year old who desperately wanted his mothers love, but was already abusing drugs.

That is quite dangerous, so i focus on the mess that he has left behind, in the form of his children.

If at one time i thought that he could change, i would have supported him, but he is to far gone now, he is institutionalised. I feel a deep ache when i think about him and all he could have been.

I still visit my "lifer" friend.

I would still love my children whatever they did. You have to instigate some form of self preservation, though.

My mum used to say to me, "sometimes I may not like you very much, but I'll always, always love you"
I used to take offence to her saying that when I was 14-15, but looking back, I'm very lucky to still have her love me with some of the things I put her through!
We're like best friends now, and I'm grateful every day that she's still there for me.

My dad doesn't love me, or at least not by any definition of love that I understand. It seemed quite easy for him - he loves being 'right' more.

cory puts it so well!

'love is a baggy word'

It very much is. I think 'we' assume we are conveying a certain set of values & behaviours that are inextricably linked with 'love'... (we being a leap - based on what I used to think so maybe was just me!)

But have realised since having ds that love doesn't necessary mean any if the behaviours I mean. Like, love =

Drat! Sorry on phone with snoring toddler on chest, typing awkward!

I meant stuff like Loving ds = putting him before me, always etc. these are things alot of people might mean, but for some people it's not true. I think there are alot of people whose children are in care who would say they love their children more than anything... Except it isn't enough to feel love, you have to do all the behaviours associated with it to really bring up a child well.

Or an example closer to home, I'm sure my parents say they love me, but they won't help me at all even when I've been desperate, as they are too self obsessed to get beyond their own needs (ie won't take some quick non invasive medical tests that are the only way to explain why I've become disabled, my prognosis, the likelihood of me passing it on to ds, or future children. They won't do it as they say it's too emotional for them, and they've been through too much. They also won't help out practically for the same reason, as it upsets them too much... Basically they put their own feelings ahead of their child & grandchilds physical health. I would rather die than do that to my child.

Not sure if that means they don't love me, or 'love' is a much smaller & less amazing concept than I thought it was.

Love doesn't necessarily mean the same as like. I think it's quite possible to love someone and yet thoroughly dislike them. Love isn't too logical, especially where family are involved!

My love for DS is absolutely unconditional. But it is not passive and certainly does not mean that I have to fawn on him all the time.
He has learnt that i may be cross.
And there will be consequences.
But I always love him.

We have a bedtime routine that doesn't change, regardless of earlier happenings, that makes him feel safe and secure in my love.

No matter what happens I will always love the beautiful, clever, funny person that I know my DS is.

I don't think you can honestly know for sure.

Generally yes, but what if they did something horrific?

I will always love my DC, but i may not like what they have done but i will love them.

Loving and liking are 2 diffrent things

If they do something horrific then my heartache will be so much more than I could ever imagine. But I will still love my DC.

Love is lovely, but it's not always easy.

I think I could stop loving my children pretty easily. I think if they became Republican, military gun toting members of the westboro baptists I would probably cut them from my life. If they turned into serial killers I would find it easier to love them than if they became the exact opposite of everything I believe in. I watched a documentary today with the daughter of a serial killer talking - she said she loved her Daddy even though she hated what he did. I could understand that - but then when he was with her he was the person she knew and loved. If my kid became a wildly different person with wildly different values, that would possibly be a clincher for me.

Who knows until it happens.

flying I think that is a really interesting point - I could perhaps "forgive" something abhorrent, but more likely to be considered a "one off" like murder, more readily than I could my DC being everything that I loathe and detest as in your example.

I don't think so.

I remember how much Jeffrey Dahmer's parents loved him, right til the end.

I remember someone asking his mother what he was like as a child and she said "he was like any other boy...I thought he was wonderful." It broke my heart.

I can't imagine not loving them- it is unconditional love. I may not like their behaviour, or I may not get on with them, but that is a different thing.