To dislike big parties and not want to help Dh celebrate his 40th ?(60 Posts)
Dh wants to arrange a big party for his 40th birthday, It will involve inviting lots of old friends and their families to come and stay for 3 or 4 days as we live far away from them. ( up to 50 or more people staying , a lot with young children, and then at least the same number locally )
He says that he will arrange it all, though I am not sure where they will all stay etc. It seems most of them will be squashed into our house. No one has any money to hire cars and we live in the middle of nowhere.
They will take flights to get here which mean that they probably wont be able to bring much luggage/ bedding etc.
I have had a very stressful time lately with my Ds teen . I have 2 other Dc , I work and Dh goes away a lot. I am already feeling pretty overwelmed just keeping up with day to day life. I feel very low in energy and do not feel at all like being the hostess with the mostess!
This party seems to be a big deal for DH....all I can see is the upheaval, energy etc. it's going to require. I don't even like big party's .I can see my negativity is really upsetting Dh.
I can't help think of all the practical, logistical details and they are blocking me as I just can't be bothered. Dh says he will do it all , but to be honest It's me who keeps our day to day life ticking over, and I can't see it.
AIBU to not be very happy with the prospect? Should I support him as it's his 40th ?
I don't think you're being selfish rather realistic.
Is it even safe to have small children camping in what sounds like a building site?
Could you look into some places to stay locally for people and say you don't mind hosting the party at your home (and that's a big ask for 100 guests!!) but they can't stay with you.
I'd then move onto suggest a nice venue in your local town near to where the people can stay.
Seriously you can not have 50 house guests and 100 guests for a party with 2 loos!
YANBU. As it stands his plan sounds completely mental, frankly. And there are lots of helpful suggestions above but TBH they are all along the same lines of helping your DH to get organised, writing him lists etc. That kind of defeats the object of him doing all the work (similar to housework really).
Are there any family you could confide in who would be invited? Maybe they could reinforce any suggestions you make about venue hire/B&Bs? And indeed it being held in summertime? If you live in a beautiful part of the world it's going to be wasted if people are cooped up all the time.
Why doesn't he postpone it until the summer then everyone can camp.
If you are in the middle of nowhere there won't be hotels, B&Bs etc.
Incidentally I wouldnt fly halfway across the country for a 40th, and I am guessing alot of you guests wont either!
I do think that you need to support him but also to put your foot down about the silly parts of his plan. It is not feasible to have 50 people camping out in your house for 3/4 days, so say no to that, if they want to come they have to stay in a hotel.
Having a party in a building site is not doable either, so say that you will happily support his party but it must be at a village hall or somewhere like that.
You have my sympathy. This is my idea of hell. I feel a bit queasy just reading it. 50 people for a 40th, flying in from here there and everywhere! Urgghh. It's my 40th in a few months and I'm having a posh night out with dh at a very expensive, lovely a la carte restaurant and a night out with a few mates. That is it. When did 40ths become like weddings?! Yes, I'd play along with everything, smile and support him. But I wouldn't have anyone staying over. And of hire a venue. (And I'd be screaming inside!)
Actually I did arrange a party for my DH's 40th, and we had about 50 guests. He really didn't get chance to talk to most of them. I had a quieter bash, with around 25 and had a fab time chatting all night long to those who were close to me. Something for him to consider maybe. Is he really going to get chance to spend time with all those people who have travelled far and wide to come?
I would. Because you love him and it really matters to him.
However, if you really wanted to, you could say ok, fine. You want it, great. You organise it, like you've promised to.
And then do nothing. He either does everything or it won't happen. And if he asks you for help, say no, sorry, I was very clear on this. You assured me that you would organise this. Don't try to pass it to me now.
tbh, that's not what I'd do. pass the sick bucket alert I think it's really sad if someone has to organise their own birthday bash (real sad not teenage omg that's so sad sad). I'd get over my irritation and throw myself into it cos I luffs the daft bugger and it'd mean a lot to him.
YANBU to wonder whether he'd really arrange it himself, I'd think the same thing if my DH suggested it. I think his idea of 'arranging' would be to invite everyone and tell them to bring beer, he wouldn't think of the logistics involved and how people would get around/transportation. But your partner will only be 40 once, and if he really wants to have a party then you should try and support him. Why don't you make him a list of things he'll need to do like lubeybooby's list above and pick a couple of items that you'll help out with?
I can see form the posts that the general consensus is: yes he does deserve to celebrate his birthday but he needs to get real about just what is enjoyably feasable for us and our guests!
He often has grandiose plans and I end up being the voice of reason
damp squib who brings it back down to earth. I would like him to have an enjoyable celebration but want to avoid the blue assed fly bit !
I was counting on not all the invited coming biscuit , though our friends are quite a hardy lot and may not be put off by tents on building sites !!
And when 50 people call from the airport asking for lifts and your DH finds himself having to queue for 30 mins to use his own bathroom you can comfort yourself with the biggest I told you so smugfest ever.
I'd support him sort of if I felt like you... I'd make him a list of everything that needs to be done and ask him to pick one or two things from it for you to do, that you are offering to do as a bit of a birthday present. Then make it clear he has to do the rest.
I really like parties though so I personally would be offering to do at least half.
Complete clean of entire house
Arranging party budget
Sorting out a list of cheap places to stay for people, or perhaps paying for somewhere for them depending on budget
Sorting out who can stay overnight
Buying/digging out enough bedding and airbeds etc for guests
Doing all party food or ordering and picking up from m&s or a caterer
Hiring a venue and decorating it
Getting or making a cake
Shopping for party food and drinks
Sorting out invites
Chasing up rspv's
Making sure there's enough seating
you really do need to look at the YHA's - escape to. Would make everything much easier and it's cheap.
Tell him he has to draw up a plan of where they would all stay and what they would do and eat for the duration. Must be exact, not vague. It isn't unfair to do this, someone will have to and if he refuses or gets sniffy you can point out that this is what he's pushing on to you and you just don't have it in you to get it done and run the whole thing. And if he's going to coordinate all this he'll be running round like a blue arsed fly the whole time and not see anyone... Oh wait, you'll be doing that, won't you? And he'll enjoy himself as the birthday boy.
Sounds like an unreasonable ego trip to me. Don't rely on people not coming. I thought we'd have 30 max for or DD's christening at home. We had to hire a hall and a caterer, my mum worked all day, I worked all day, we only just managed it and that was only a few hours. It was a lovely day, but more for guests who could relax, I think.
Tell him three families and you'll organise it. More and you'll come but that's it. Your posts have the feel of a woman who is feeling worn out, so don't let quiet resentment and his unthinking enthusiasm push you into a meltdown situation.
How on earth could you fit 50 people into your house, plus cater to them?? This is the sticking point. Tents in half built rooms doesn't cut it (and do the guests know what the score is?).
Either get your DH to outline the exact plan - ALL of it - how much food, how many tents, methods of putting tents up in rooms, bathroom arrangements, party plans, entertainment, wet weather plan, minibus bus hire, airport collections, details to go in invitations etc, so that you can offer to assist with making it happen, OR if he insists on being vague, you take his offer to sort it all out himself and face value and leave every bit of it to him. Every bit. And when 50 people call from the airport asking for lifts and your DH finds himself having to queue for 30 mins to use his own bathroom you can comfort yourself with the biggest I told you so smugfest ever.
Thank god my husband is sane enough to rent a venue if he decided to do something like this.
Compromise? Rent a venue, in a large hotel with room for everyone, then in the summer when the renovations are done, he can have a party with tents outside for sleeping.
up to 50 or more people staying , a lot with young children, and then at least the same number locally
I was going to suggest caravans too.
Can you call around all the 50 or so local friends invited and beg them to take as many as they can fit home to sleep at their places? It may work out great that way.
Could you hire a few caravans locally? Then people could sort their own meals out, you wouldn't have to worry too much about the weather, and they can all shower in the caravans. I would sit down with him and go through all the scenarios and what it will involve, and see if he thinks he can take it all on. Then go and buy yourself a new dress and let him get on with it.
I agree that although he says he will do all the work, he will not be able to if he works long hours so you will end up having to do it.
You can pull this off, but not in the way he imagines it. He needs to calm down a bit!
Take a deep breath and do it for his sake, your reasons do sound a bit selfish even though I understand it can be stressful.
I wouldn't forgive myself if my DH went without a 40th because I was being mardy.
If he is prepared to do the work to organise the party then that is fine IMO and I'd let him get on with it and help out as and when.
BUT and it is a big BUT it seems to me that he has gradiose plans and is not looking at all the actually work and fine detail that needs to be done. From what you say in your post he is busy at work and generally leaves the organisation to you so I'm guessing that he will try to do the same in this case.
I loathe organising things like parties to the point where I get so stressed I feel ill so I don't do it and would be very pissed off if dp were to try and force something like that on me tbh.
I didn't think he was serious about having 50 people to stay but it sounds like he was!
Catering for 50 people even for a few days is unrealistic and will be massively over stretching you.
Offer him alternatives and say you are very willing to help out but you won't be doing domestic duty for 50 people single handed. Even a hotel would need lots of staff to cope with that many people.
You only have two toilets- that will not be enough for 50 people. They will not want to travel on planes to stay in tents on a building site and share two toilets with 50 other people. I don't love anybody enough to do that!
I would send out an info sheet with the invites- Local YHA, telephone numbers, routes, maps, timetables and leave it to the guests. Where are you having the actual party? I think you will need to hire a hall and caterers. Your DH is not wrong to want to celebrate a milestone, but he is being very unrealistic and unfair on you if he thinks you are going to be running a one woman hotel for families in tents.
YANBU - But I'd let him get on with it, but be very firm that you are only happy for X amount of people to stay at the house, and if staying for more than one night your DH must sort out bedding, he must sort out/shop for/cook meals, etc.
Tbh if you really do live in the middle of nowhere, and you've said nobody has money to hire cars and they have to shell out for a flight to get there in the first place, to be greeted on arrival with a tent in the middle of a building site, then I doubt very many people will actually accept the invitation. I know I wouldn't.
YANBU - I wouldn't want 50 people saying in my home and if my DH insisted I would be very angry. Are most of the friends and family all in one general area? If so I'd be tempted to suggest DH organise his party in a venue near to where most people live and you guys travel to them. I don't think it matters how unique your home is, if don't want it filled to the brim with visitors that's fair enough.
I think it would be really nice if you could try to be supportive. I agree 50 people staying in your house with 2 bathrooms is unworkable, but your guests will also see that, and when you offer them a choice of a tent in an unbuilt room with 24 people in line ahead of them for the loo or a local guesthouse they will choose the latter. They also won't all come - if people are going to have to fly to get to you, with their kids, many of them will decided it's not worth it for a 40th birthday party.
So I think it won't be as bad as you think.
I am mid planning a 21st for DS, and we will have loads of people arriving from different parts of the country.
The only people who are staying with us are elderly family members. I'm booking loads of rooms (around £30 each) for uni friends, school friends etc., and will arrange a minibus and driver who will be available throughout the evening as a 'shuttle' service. It will cost more, but will stop me becoming a massive stressball, so that I might even enjoy the party!
I enjoy the planning, strangely enough, less so the event - I shall be too worried about everyone having a good time.
I feel quite sad for your husband - although I remember my Dad organising a surprise 70th birthday party for himself! He did delegate the work though!
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