ZOMBIE THREAD ALERT: This thread hasn't been posted on for a while.
To be a bit more demanding regarding meeting my partner's kids(42 Posts)
I have a thread running in relationships right now - basically he lives with me during the week and stays at his mother's with his kids on a weekend and I cease to exist. Hardly any contact at all until he arrives back on Monday evening after work. I find it a bit damning that he can 'live' with me all week and then forget I exist on a weekend.
I'm here to ask for blunt, honest opinions regarding me being introduced to his teenage kids. Basically, he met mine about 3 months ago and at the time more or less said he would arrange for me to meet his. Like I said, that was 3 months ago and it really doesn't seem to me like he has any intention of doing it anytime soon. Whenever I ask him he says he's not sure they're ready for that yet - but the relationship is ready for us to live together all week??
My question is, would it be unreasonable for me to ask for a timescale of when I'm likely to be introduced to them? he always avoids this. The last time it was mentioned he said "by the end of the year". It's only bloody January!! So going on that I'm expected to continue to spend my weekends alone for the next 12 months?
Another thing is I'm going to say if he can't give me some kind of reasonable timescale, I want to cool off the relationship and go back to just dating. He can't expect to live with me like this and then bugger off and forget I exist on weekend and he can't expect to be 100% involved in mine and my children's lives when he won't even introduce me to his.
AIBU? I don't want to be pushy/bunny boiler etc but I'm sick of the whole thing and feel like a mug really.
Been together just over 7 months btw.
So does this guy not own or rent a home? Lives with you in the week and mum at weekends? What financial contribution does he make to your household?
I think you are being immature. Just because you were okay in introducing him to your teenage children, should not mean he has to reciprocate, or reciprocate within a timescalse that is okay for you.
His children may have found the breakup of their parents really difficult, every person is different, they may need a lot more time before meeting you. He may love you very much but he is protecting their feelings - and quite probably your feelings too.
How would you feel if they are not ready to meet and then start to be horrible to you or to their father as a result?
Why are you automatically assuming this is about your relationship with their father? Why can't it be their father is assessing how they will react and deciding it isn't right for them yet?
Just because they are teenagers does not mean that it is easier than if they were younger! Totally and utterly disagree with anyone who says that. If the parents had a horrible break up for years of nastiness living together before they broke up, the teenage children could be really upset by it all.
Teenagers are both full of raging hormones and also are going through the stress of GCSE and A-Level exams.
Perhaps their dad is keeping everything as stress free as possible until the exams are over? I know the GCSEs and A-Levels are modulised and are taken now as well as in May/June.
OP, How would you like things to develop if you did meet his DC?
Would you expect to meet them, then wave them off to your DP's mum's for the weekend, therefore still leaving you on your own all weekend, every weekend?
Or would you like to meet them and integrate them into your life with your DP, meaning they could stay at your house for the weekend with your DC and you could all spend the weekend together?
Men are generally quite good at compartmentalising things, aren't they? He has his relationship with you, then he has his time with his kids. It is working for him (and presumably his kids.)
It is OK to ask him why he feels meeting his kids might be a problem - you deserve to be informed. Is it just nerves about how they or his ex will react? Does he feel he wants to get a separated father role fully established with them before bringing another complication in?
It is perhaps not OK to use an ultimatum to 'force' him to do what you want - but I sort of get the vibe you aren't really feeling like that? It seems that his reluctance to share his kids with you is making you question the relationship and whether you want the same things. I think your instincts are right, you need to have a calm, honest discussion with him about what you both want out of the relationship. You may want to take some time to decide what that is for you, though. Being a step to teenagers is really hard work. Check out the step-parent thread for an eye-opener. Good Luck!
Also alarm bells ringing about the ultimatum - if he doesn't set a timescale then you're cooling things off. That's not the kind of talk I'd expect in a stable, committed relationship. Sorry but it doesn't sound like it's in the kids best interests to meet you yet. I get that the weekends alone pisses you off, but that's no reason for his kids to meet you. As someone else said, meeting you would change the whole nature of their time with their dad. They may not be ready to share him for a while yet. You can either respect that and fill your weekends another way, or accept that it's not what you want and cool off, thereby proving it wasn't right anyway. Sorry if this sounds harsh but really 7 months is nothing and just because you've let him move in and meet your kids doesn't mean you should rush everything else.
Only other thing is that, as some have said, him seeing them every single weekend is unusual. If he had the odd weekend free for you, would this make the whole meeting the kids thing a non-issue for now?
I think he is beng the sensible one. Seven months is still dating and way too early to bring you into his childrens lives.
If you choose to bring partners into yours then thats your decision but let him decide whats best for his children. Most adults wouldnt move in a new partner so soon in case it didnt work out so as not to subject their children to x amount of new partners.
Even though they haven't met you, do his DCs know about you? Are they blocking the meeting?
I agree with your acknowledgement that it's all arse about face, but hindsight is a wonderful thing.
At the time you thought it was moving along at a pace you were happy with and now he's stalled it with you having done all the 'giving' and him doing all the 'taking'.
His answers are crap - 'Sometimes this year'? That means 'not for ages and I'm not pinning myself down to a date' 'ages after that' - why? Why does he think they should me you, then ages later your kids? It's like it's OK for your kids to be in the middle of your relationship and risk being upset or hurt but his aren't - it would signal to me that he's not in this for the long haul.
What does he contribute financially to your arrangement??
The kids probably like their weekends as they are. After they meet you then there will be pressure to have their weekends with their dad, you and your children. 7 months isn't that long to have been together, if after a year he hasn't introduced you then start getting huffy. They probably think of you as temporary.
OP, make this a non issue immediately, without any undertones, no resenting doing so, you could probably easily get your DP to cave in and satisfy your desire to move the relationship on,
Just say that you will let it take as long as takes, just leave it alone,
teenagers hate change, there is almost no way to play this without ending up resented,
At some point in the distant future they will realise you make their dad happy and that is a good thing,
but if you shove yourself into their world (and that is how they will view it, how ever unfair), they will instantly resist, and the one thing teens find hard is back tracking, they tend to instantly make up their minds, how they view a situation, and stick to it no matter what,
The longer you leave it the much higher the chances are of you forming a successful relationship with them, just let them decide when they want to come into your world, that way you are far more likely to end up with a positive outcome.
Perhaps they don't want to meet you?
Perhaps he has an amicable arrangement with their mother about not introducing the kids to any girlfriend for a period of time?
Perhaps he's got different expectations of where your relationship is going?
But you need to talk to him yes. but at the end of the day it's HIS decision and you'll just have to decide if you can deal with it or if you can't.
You wanted to move faster into a relationship than he does. Basically, this is a grown man who doesn't have the hassle of running a home. You provide one during the week and his mother provides one at the weekend. Meanwhile your kids have this virtual stranger living with them. Think about it. If my sums are correct, you moved him in after about three months. Not good in my opinion.
oh yes. i re read op. his kids are teens.
He doesn't want you to. At least not yet. All you can do is decide on your response to that. You have no right to make him do anything in this matter.
Maybe his kids are refusing to see you? They are teenagers and depending on when your oh split with their mum, they maybe dont want to see their dad with another woman just yet. If your oh knows this he may be fobbing you off to save hurting your feelings? I could be completely wrong though and he's just not as committed as you are.
hang on. i thought Op's dcs were the teenagers? i didn't think she said what age his were?
either way. she could be seeing him 3 years. it doesn't make the children ready to meet her. they aren't the ones dating her. he is. their relationship with him doesn't make them automatically part of his relationship with her.
I don't think it is too early to meet his kids.
He is living with the op. Also I think as teenagers they are not small children and can cope with knowing that their parents relationship has ended and that they will never get back together.
Maybe don't spend all weekend with him and his kids just Saturday daytime perhaps.
how long have you been with him?
how old are the dcs?
why are you more concerned about him dancing to your beat than his children being ready to meet his new partner?
your relationship with him and how fast it has moved is irrelvant when it comes to his children being ready. his chidlren are not on your or his timescale. they are the important ones wrt this meeting taking place.
if you gave me an ultimatum in order to make me rush something that big i would open the door for you.
I think YABU.
He is the parent to his children, and it is up to him to decide when they meet you. His decision should be based on what is right for them, not you and your relationship and whatever stage you think it's at.
He stays with you during the week because you let him and it's probably a nicer place for him to be than his Mums. People will take advantage if you invite them to.
It's actually really early in your relationship or you to have him living in your house for your children's sake, and it sounds like out of the two of you, he is the one who's doing the best by his children.
Step back, if he doesn't think you are at the stage of meeting his DCs, then he is saying he's not that committed to you. If he doesn't feel he is all that certain that this relationship is forever, that's fine, but not fine to move in and living with your DCs if he's not 100% committed to your relationship.
Perhaps his children don't want to meet you?
Well, having watched from the sidelines as ex- BIL (with teenagers) met and married a new wife with a teenager, and seeing the fallout between the step-siblings ... I'd say take it slowly.
ifnotnowthenwhen, you hit the nail on the head. That is how I feel, the timing of everything has all been to cock. We've done everything back to front and whilst it's working out fine and dandy for him, it's leaving me in a very vulnerable situation.
We should have met each others kids at the same time. We should have dated for a lot longer than we did and we should never have moved in together before meeting each other's kids.
I think this is the problem here - in my head we're at a stage where I should have met his kids but in reality maybe we're just not at a stage where we should have moved in together.
I'm next due to see him tomorrow night but am toying with the idea of asking him to come over tonight so we can talk.
Well, teenagers can be difficult at times. Maybe they didn't handle the separation well or maybe he knows they might be surly or difficult if they met you?
I'm not suggesting they are surly and difficult but at that age meeting new partners could make for "interesting times" as they say?
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.