ZOMBIE THREAD ALERT: This thread hasn't been posted on for a while.
to think DP doesn't need to go to the shop EVERY day?(93 Posts)
DP is the SAHD, I go out to work. We live within walking distance of 3 well known supermarkets, the closest being Co-Op, the most expensive of the 3.
When I work, he has my bank card. Although our finances are 'together' and equally ours, my account is the spending one. But, my bugbear is that he will go to Co-Op every day. Pick up littles bits of this, that and the other. We do a shop in the bigger supermarket every week but he still manages to find a need for stuff every day. My account looks like it's having an affair with the bloody place!
So, I've said to him, stop. What he thinks we run out of during the week, we will get more of during the weekly shop. I've also said I will withdraw maybe £30/40 each month for 'emergencies' from said shop.
AIBU to make this rule? I'm fed up with constant 'drip, drip' of money leaving my account, it's not cost effective is it?!
garlic, I believe I said that I understand the importance of a change of scenery - and that there is nothing wrong with a trip to the shops.
But if you are on a tight budget and not keeping track of what you spend, you are being irresponsible.
My budget might make you cry. And I too plan for things so I can afford them. It just part of being an adult.
I think going to the shops has become part of his routine so he gets to leave the house and have adult interaction.
YWBU to impose anything on him. However YWNBU to sit down with him and discuss the budget together.
YABU to tell him he cant go to the shop but it would be reasonable to sit down decide on a weekly food budget together and then let him get on with it.
He is the SAHP and he cooks the food, he obviously enjoys shopping for the food so let him get on with it. You sound like you are trying to be "in charge" of the house during the day when in reality you are not - he is.
You need to draw up a budget.
Joint account that you both have access to for rent/food/all house-related and child-related expenses. Agree how much goes in here. Once you have agreed it, stick to it. Then it doesn't matter if he chooses to go to the shop every day or to go once a week as long as he sticks to the budget that you both agreed on. Costs of toddler groups or going to soft play or buying a snack to have at the park would all come under this because they are expenses related to childcare.
Separate accounts with your "spending money" in (both get the same, nether can access or comment on what the other does with theirs).
I'm a SAHM, and these kinds of little trips to the shops are total killers for the budget.
He spent £40 on extra trips to the shop in three days. Say that is exceptional and that he is spending £40 a week on average, £10 of which is actually necessary things like bread, milk and fresh fruit and veg. That is £30 being wasted.
Everyone who is saying 'oh the poor man is bored, blah blah'. What could he do with an extra £120 a month? Buy an annual pass to a couple of local attractions, and go out to a nice cafe a couple of times a month for lunch - and still have money left over.
It is extremely short-sighted and rather stupid to just consign that money to the drain on the basis that it keeps him amused for 10 minutes a day to go and wander round the same shop time and time again, buying unnecessary items out of boredom.
I do think JuliesSisters that you need to set your finances up differently. Really you should have a joint account that he has access to, and then he can take responsibility for doing the food shopping however he sees fit - within whatever budget you agree you can afford.
Is he brave enough to try toddler groups? If he finds a nice group they will accept him & be happy to let him be part of the club.
I love blokes at toddlers, they are great for moving tables and chasing LOs around!
Swimming can be good, too.
He sounds bored. When my dad stays with us, he goes to the shops everyday and picks up things we really don't need. Last time he was here we ended up with a cupboard full of Ritz cheesey biscuits and I had to tell him to stop buying them! Other than that, he goes out everyday and buys things like brioche or packs of chocolates and biscuits (which I appreciate greatly).
The thing is though - and this would be true if the SAHP was female - these outings are not just about shopping. They are possibly making the staying at home with the kids do-able for him mentally.
I can imagine if my DH said something like this to me i'd be bringing up how much he spends on little luxuries for himself during a month which may be seen as ok because he is the one 'winning the bread'. Little things that contribute nothing to the household at all, however small they are. At least his shopping trips are getting him and the kids out and he's buying food. Not alcohol, tobacco, clothes, cosmetics ....
The 'whooh, one Ready Brek' posters are missing the point. Or maybe they don't need to budget as strictly.
Hahahahaha. I'm on benefits. My budget would make you cry.
I also recognise the importance of choice to my psychological wellbeing, and of at least exchanging two sentences with another person. I budget for it. I think you're the one missing a point.
Perhaps it is question of terms used.
For those who don't like 'rules' - that's ok, but would you be annoyed if someone wanted to their partner to be responsible about budgeting when money is tight?
There are btw LOTS of threads in AIBU from women upset and angry at husbands who spend money irresponsibly.
Perhaps one idea might be to encourage dp to spend less at the co-op and use what he saves to take the dcs somewhere for an activity, like swimming, or for an actual treat that is saved up for.
I think the op is getting a bit of a hard time. Ok so using the word 'rule' didn't help but she's not saying she doesn't want him to have the interaction or not go out shopping, just not to the most expensive one and not buying things theydon't need. If he's in charge of cooking etc then he can get what he wants, but there ARE more cost-effective ways than using Co-Op. I live round the corner from one and was guilty of this when on mat leave - popping in for bread and milk and coming out with bits and bobs I hadn't intended to get. Its very easy to spend over £40 in three trips when going every day.
givemesomespace no, no she doesn't.
OP, your approach sounds really sensible, hope you and he work out a more cost effective method for your shopping/meal planning/etc. I absolutely understand (through experience) that getting out & about is crucial for a SAHP, but spending money for the sake of it is unwise. I'm surprised with all those saying "if you can afford it, what's the problem?", but perhaps some of those posters equate being prudent with being
mumsnet bingo "controlling".
We live very near a co-op, I am a SAHM and go there every day! As well as to other local shops. I just buy what we need, go for the deals etc- instead of a weekly shop. Could this be an option? Then your DH gets the social aspect too.
What does he think? My DH used to be a SAHD and I have to say I would never have thought about setting 'rules' for him!
I keep typing replies and deleting them again. I would put money on the fact that in this case if the OP were a man the responses would have been different here. I really think this.
I can see the validity of your posts OP, but - Oh my word - if it was my DH broaching this with me he'd have to pick his words very carefully. And even if he did it wouldn't go well.
It's made me angry just reading this thread. And, as i say, i'm not saying the OP hasn't a point.
He is a brilliant dad and does a much better job of running the household than I ever could! I just wish ....
and the bit about he should walk the extra 15 minutes to the cheaper shop
The co-op is one of the best shops from an ethical/fair trade pov anyway - has anyone seen the new film 'The Rochdale Pioneers' ? <off topic but I am very interested in this>.
If it because you can't afford it you need to tell him that you dint mention money in your original post you made out or how I read it as, that him going to the shop was annoying, tell him you cant afford him to be going to that shop every day and go to tescos or wherever
Thank you rainrain you understand my point completely. It would be the same if he worked and popped into the shop on his way there/lunch/way home and bought stuff we didn't need. I would still address it.
It's not about controlling him amd his daily habits. It's about controlling finances and not being wasteful. My wages have to stretch further this year as no annual payrises were given yet inflation puts prices on everything. I'm trying to be sensible and cut costs where possible.
Ccan I suggest he tries another toddler group...till her finds one where he's comfy. There are a few Dads who come to ours.
Wow, you sound very controlling, I am a SAHP and shop most days, can never understand how people can 'meal plan' to a rigid timetable; how do you know what you want to eat on Friday night on Monday morning for example? I would not be at all happy if my DH tried to tell me when and how to do the shopping .
Agree with others, stop doing the 'big shop' thing, and let your DH have control over the shopping/meal planning, if you need to set a specific budget, do so together.
I am like your DP in that I SAH and I also go to the shops locally...and yes...I top up with things like chocolate brioches.
I think it's a comfort thing...I see it''s expensive though. But when you are home all day you want a distraction.
I have got into baking....bread, cakes, it's cost effective and I enjoy it. Could your DP do that?
If you want to shop at the local market then that's great but please don't try to micro-manage his day to the extent that you are 'suggesting' where he shops. I am laughing at how the conversation would have went if my dh had ever tried to do that when I was the SAHP
i think he is bored shitless
You sound very controlling OP
yanbu at all to identify this as a wasteful habit - but there's more than one way to skin a cat, iyswim.
I have had to stop myself from shopping like this in the past - so easy to go in for one thing and come out with 5, and there's no need. I've also pointed out dp that he was doing the same and asked him to rein it it. Admittedly, he initially got grumpy and denied there was a problem...l but when I asked him to keep receipts for 2 weeks, the same as I had, to see where money. was going, then we could both see - one trip for a pint of milk also meant picking up crisps, a can of coke, possibly a readymade sandwich, when we had food five minutes away at home, and maybe a cake or packet of biscuits. We're talking maybe an unnecessary fiver a day. Or thirty odd quid a week. Or over £100 a month.
The 'whooh, one Ready Brek' posters are missing the point. Or maybe they don't need to budget as strictly.
You can ask dp to keep track of his spending more closely, or suggest a weekly budget, or a 'no more than £1.50 spend' if you happen to go in for no real reason.
I can see that he might be doing this for distraction, or just something to do...change of scenery etc. That's ok. It's the casual wasteful spending that's the problem.
Ah, no local Aldi nevermind!
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