Tell me straight I am BU ain't I?

(127 Posts)
ruledbyheart Wed 09-Jan-13 12:38:51

So in the middle of a long standing argument with DP it means a lot to me and it has put me off the idea of having DC with him but alas I am pregnant and now the arguement is needing to me solved.

I have 3DC with STXH and we all have the same surname.
All DC are close in age and this baby will only be 3yrs younger then DC3 which means at some point they will all be in school together.

I want the baby to have my surname a surname I will be keeping after divorce so its the same as my DCs partner doesn't like this and says it should have his.

I dont want my DCs having different surnames and I dont want to have a different surname to any of my DC.

I don't want to double barrell the last name as 1 its still different and 2 all DCs have double barrelled first names and so will this one and two double barrelled names in one name is riduclous.

Now I could understand if he was close to his family (DP) but he has his dad's name who he cannot stand.
I think DP who very much wants to be a family with me could change his surname if he wanted to have the same name as his dc, so why should it be me with a dc with a different surname instead?

AIBU?

Thumbwitch Tue 15-Jan-13 08:36:08

I have read your other thread, ruledbyheart and am sad to see the situation you are in.

I hope that your DP can sort things out so you can be a family; but I still think double-barrelling your new baby's name would be the best way forward, to give him an incentive to really be involved with the baby, iyswim (if he sorts himself out - as it stands, I wouldn't personally be leaving him alone with the baby at any stage!)

floatyjosmum Tue 15-Jan-13 07:45:18

Loads of siblings have different surnames. I'm pregnant with dc3 who will have a different name to the other two. Dc1 has mine, dc2 has exp, dc3 will have dh.

Tbh it's dc1 I feel sorry for as noone has that name now I'm married but my kids never question it and the kids never mention it. They justo am we can't have anything with our surname on like calendars etc because we have 3.

TheFallenNinja Tue 15-Jan-13 07:05:26

Sounds like your not prepared to concede anything and only want but your own way. Your fella is just waiting to be shown the door.

fatandfifty Tue 15-Jan-13 06:54:10

I think all this talk of giving your expected baby your ex-husbands name is ridiculous. The surname is yours, and became so when you married and decided to take on a new name.
I agree that I would not want my children to have different surnames. After all, in this day and age, a child is forever, a partner might not be, and how would this child feel if you separate from this partner, and they are the only person in your family with a different surname.

ruledbyheart Tue 15-Jan-13 01:24:18

Yes but either way its a non issue as if it that was the case mothers could put any name they wanted and claim it was someone elses child?
Ex doesn't care because as far as he's concerned I legally took that name therefore it is mine.

PickledApples Tue 15-Jan-13 01:05:16

Have you asked your ex about the possibility of using "his" (your) name? It could also look like paternity / maintenance issue.

ruledbyheart Tue 15-Jan-13 00:36:18

Depending on the outcome of this relationship (see other thread) the baby will have DPs surname, however if I end up a single parent prior to this then the baby will have my surname.

Composhat in all honesty anyone who knows me and/or Ex knows that its not possible it would be his baby, and although I know the suggestion of DC having my surname is apparently ludicrous, in RL I wouldn't give a monkeys what other people thought as it would be my decision but of course at the moment I am taking DPs thoughts and feelings into this and have realised I am unreasonable.

WeeWeeWeeAllTheWayHome Tue 15-Jan-13 00:32:16

YANBU - your name either is really your name when you get married or it's not. Which begs the question why change your name if you're only being generously loaned it by your husband. I can understand why some people would want to change names in event of a divorce, but the important thing is that it's their choice.

I agree with previous posters who say that it's not a decision of your dc taking your exDP's name or your DP's but that of your name and your DP's.

PickledApples Tue 15-Jan-13 00:25:59

What conclusion did you reach?
Can you double barrel your name to stbx surname - maiden name then give your baby just your maiden name?

I think your current Dp can only be on the birth certificate / have final say upon registering if he actually attends the appointment with you to register the birth btw.

ComposHat Tue 15-Jan-13 00:25:43

YABU and inconsistent.
you got married and had kids and gave them their father's surname.

I'm not coming at this from a children must have their father's surname you'd kept your maiden name on marriage or reverted to it on. divorce that would be fine, he/she is your child just as much as he/she is your partner's. but it isn't the child of your ex husband.

you are pregnant with your new partner's child and want to give him a different man's surname for the sake of appearances. but the impression you'll be giving to anyone who. is smallminded enough to give a shite is that the new child was a result of some post breakup sex with your ex behind your partner's back.

larks35 Tue 15-Jan-13 00:16:52

I can see why your DP doesn't want his child to have your exH's name. I think you have to live with the fact that your have a modern family who will have different surnames. I'm not married to DP and our 2 children have his surname and mine is differnt. I chose this as I knew it meant a lot to his mum (his dad died many years ago and the other GCs from his sister have their dad's name) and my surname had already been passed down with my brother's family.

I dunno, I think you are expecting a hell of a lot to ask your new partner to give his child your exH's name. Fair enough if you were both fighting for your own family names but you're not.

ruledbyheart Tue 15-Jan-13 00:16:38

The OP hasn't flounced, unfortunately I cannot get online all the time and rarely venture into this topic.
I have posted a lot earlier in the thread that after reading the posts I can see IABU and will just have to get used to it, I saw no reason to post after that.

And yes to those who have read my other thread after this regarding my DP maybe you can understand why I want DC to have my surname (which it is as even after divorce is finalised I will be keeping it) as if I'm going to end up a single mum then I think the DCs should have my surname when I will be resident parent and be main carer.

I think you have just as much right to want your dc to share your surname as your dp has to want them to share his. But if neither of you are willing to budge you might need to find a compromise, either flip a coin or use both names.

I don't think it matters if your surname comes from your ex, it is your name now and that's why you want to pass it on. Just as your dp wants to pass on hos name because it's his, not because it used to be his dad's.

I don't agree that you get more rights because you give birth to the child, though.

wiltingfast Tue 15-Jan-13 00:00:30

I don't really understand why you want this? I'd be the opposite and probably have gone back to my own name and no question new dc would have his father's name or maybe my maiden name. Why on earth would you want your new dc to have your EX p name? I just find that weird. It bears no relation at all to who dc actually is iyswim. That would be nb to me. Prob for your dc too in reality. Not that all kids have same name while in school or ...what for? Am a bit baffled!

gimmecakeandcandy Mon 14-Jan-13 22:59:46

The op has flounced!

BarbarianMum Mon 14-Jan-13 11:32:00

<<The way I look at it Im carrying this baby Im giving birth to it and I will be the one doing all the hard work so it should have my name.>>

Yeah right! This bit takes 9 months. As a pose to the lifetime of parenting that follows it.

Why didn't you just have another one with your Ex?

<<It's not just your child, and it's not just what you want that matters.>>

Agree with this, though.

Voiceofthevoiceless Mon 14-Jan-13 11:19:52

Expecting a man to give HIS child Your Ex husbands surname is completely unreasonable. It's an appauling thing to expect another man to accept... DISGUSTING infact!

DSM Thu 10-Jan-13 11:37:41

artemisat not necessarily - lots of people don't have the same birth name as their father. Including the OP's child if she goes ahead with this ludicrous plan.

Whilst your married name becomes your name, I don't feel it's appropriate to share it with future children who are in no way related to the person from whom you took the name. Your birth name will be passed to children who are directly related to the person you took the name from - whether than be you (with made up birth surname) your father, your mother..

Thumbwitch Thu 10-Jan-13 11:25:50

They do that in other countries, Ghoul - Italy for one. I think it's a good idea too but it would take a major shift in attitudes for it to happen.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo Thu 10-Jan-13 11:17:21

Thinking about this I thing all women should retain their name on marriage and give all their children their surname too. At least then the woman and all her children would share a name whatever happens to her relationships and whether or not she's married. Sadly this is not the social norm here.

OP, logically YANBU but I can see why emotionally your partner isn't keen.

pumpkinsweetieMasPudding Thu 10-Jan-13 08:03:38

If you wanted to give your baby your maiden name fair enough, that i understand to some degree.
But to give your baby your Exs surname is beyond ridiculous and everyone in the community will assume your ex is the fathershock
Yabu!

Bearbehind Thu 10-Jan-13 07:59:37

I get the impression from phrases the OP used such as 'it has put me off the idea of having DC with him but alas I am pregnant' and 'DP and I aren't and probably won't marry' that the real issue here is that she doesn't particularly like or respect her partner and doesn't see the relationship lasting and is therefore thinking it would be better if all 4 children had the same name as her when her partner is off the scene. Much more convenient and naice, but unfortunately not fair on the child's father

ArtemisatBrauron Thu 10-Jan-13 07:51:56

But, DSM, your birth surname IS your father's name, whether you like putting it that way or not! All the people telling the OP that her current name "isn't your name" are crazy - what is her name then?? What does it say on her passport, bank details etc?

MummytoKatie Thu 10-Jan-13 07:27:15

Do you know anyone who also knows your STBX. Because all those people will assume that the baby is his. (I know I would in that circumstance). Especially as there is only 3 years between the kids and you are not yet divorced.

So if they still exist the people who would tell your new baby that their siblings are not really their siblings will instead tell them that their dad isn't really their dad. I guess you have to decide which is worse.

anastaisia Thu 10-Jan-13 04:48:50

YANBU to want to give the baby YOUR name (don't understand the 'but it's giving the baby another man's name' argument, it's the OP's name that she uses all the time now).

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