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to think DH is wrong to be irritated with me(78 Posts)
My brother is in his final year at university and is currently applying for graduate schemes/jobs. He's been rejected from quite a few but is still in contention for some. I was talking to him today and he is really worried about being not getting a job, he seems to think he's going to end up homeless and that "the world doesn't need him and the world doesn't want him". Its obvious that he isn't sleeping very well and he looks dreadful.
Anyway I told him not to worry because if he graduates and can't find work then he can always stay with me (our parents are a no go in this regard) and that he's my little brothers and there's no way I'd abandon him etc. After he left DH has had a massive go at me for as he must have overheard the conversation saying that I have no right to start making agreements to let anyone come and stay in our home without consulting him and that I was "totally wrong" to make cast-iron promises about future support and obligations that he may have to contribute towards without asking him and now he's gone off to his study sulking.
I would run this by DP and he would run it by me if either of us found ourselves in your situation.
So yes YABU, but I do totally understand why you said what you did when you did.
I love my BIL to pieces. He's an utter pain in the backside and I fully expect one day I will attempt to kill him for one reason or another, but I would never see him homeless or abandoned. I wouldn't be particularly happy with DP if I came home to find him in the spare room without a word of warning though!
Dp wouldn't be happy but only because my little brother came for 4 weeks and left 4 years later.
I would discuss with DH bedore ofering my home to anyone and that includes my siblings. It's not asking permission but as the house is both of ours then it's important to discuss it.
Bloody hell, some of you are weird. Her brother is all but admitting to feeling suicidal and you want her to stop mid conversation to ask her DH if he can stay with them if he has no other option at all?
No, just don't offer him a home without checking with others. There are plenty of other things she could have said to help him.
You did the right thing Op.
Does your Dh understand how concerned you are?
My DP hates my sister but still wouldn't ever tell me she couldn't stay. Nevertheless, I'd still ask him first. Yabu.
How would you feel if your partner offered to put up one of his mates without consulting you? Then when you kicked up a fuss shrugged and said, "a mate's a mate." Then asked you to part fund his mate's food/heating costs.
I think it was a silly and thoughtless thing to do. How difficult would it be to say 'I need to talk it through with my partner' ?
Well, I can see why your DH might be annoyed if it's totally out of the blue.
That said, both DH and I have asked our sisters, and a friend each to stay with us when they've needed to. Sisters both stayed (at the same time!) for 6 months, friends for a few months too. Neither had discussed it with the other, knowing full well it would b fine. That said, each of these times was pre-children. I think we'd discuss it more beforehand now.
I can't see how the courtesy of asking your DH for his agreement is more important than being able to offer immediate reassurance to a sibling who thinks the "world doesn't need him" and is clearly feeling very worried and depressed about his future. So YANBU.
But, I don't blame your DH for feeling aggravated (especially if he doesn't know how bad your DB is feeling) as it would be supremely irritating to have someone assume you will be fine with something as big as someone else moving into your home (and even if you would be fine with it, it is nice to feel that your opinion is respected) So YABU.
I think you needed to reassure him on the spur of the moment and what you said was right, you couldn't say, hang on, just need to ask Dh first. I think I would have been annoyed too in his position but would soon realise you did the right thing. I hope your db is ok, it is a stressful time.
Your DH is NBU, by any means, to be annoyed at not having been consulted, but he would be being U to refuse your DB in his hour of need.
I have expressed my disgruntlement with DW for making arrangements without asking me before (although those have been of the kind 'X is coming round for tea tonight, it's all sorted, be on your best behaviour' rather than 'X is staying for a month'). Now we always discuss things first.
For us it would be a no brainer - neither of us would expect to ask the other for permission to offer this kind of help to family - it goes without saying in our house that this would be offered. We would discuss ground rules, length of time and logistics but i would be gobsmacked if DH reacted like that.
The comments from your brother would worry me though.
Chipping - I think there were many ways to reassure him and for the OP to say that he's not alone and that she would support him. Immediately offering an indefinite place to stay was not the only option. (Money/meals/help with job hunting/emotional support/hand holding/etc.)
If he was saying "I've been kicked out and have nowhere to live" it would be a different story.
Yes, it would have been good to have checked first but I can understand why you didn't and, to my mind, your DH is being a massive pita over this.
I've been there, having to cope with someone's threats of suicide. You just don't have the time or the chance to say "oh, hang on a minute: just need to run that by DH."
That would simply confirm DB's opinion that no-one wants him and the world is better off without him. You did absolutely the right thing by your brother.
When you're clearly worried sick about your brother, your DH is being completely unreasonable throwing a hissy fit and storming off to sulk.
I might expect him to tell me that he felt I should have checked, maybe even to express concern about the idea. I would also expect that he would understand and support me, not add to my worry by starting a row over it.
you should have discussed it with DH first
I agree with your DH. You could surely have reassured your brother that he wouldn't be on his own without making immediate commitments to house him. I understand the impulse but its just basic manners to check with your partner first. You've put him in a no win position. If he doesn't consent then he is the bad person who won't offer support. If you'd talked it though first you could have discussed concerns, agreed boundaries and got your husband to buy into the idea. By offering without asking you've shown that he comes second to the rest of your family and indicated pretty clearly that you're going to go ahead whatever he says.
No wonder he's upset.
My (reasonable, nice) dh would be furious
Exactly Whatdoiknow the op could have done other things to reassure her brother rather than just offering indefinite bed and board.
Did you go to University op? from what you've said, what your brother seems to be going through is normal for third year students, feeling a bit worn down by University and being a bit worried about leaving pretty much all you've ever known (education of some sort) and entering the world of work. It also hits you that loads of people with the same skills/experience will be hitting the job market at the same time as you and will be competing for the same job.
I know you made the offer out of kindness, but maybe isn't doing him a great deal of favours by offering to sweep him up if he doesn't get the graduate job of his dreams. If that doesn't happen, it may be better to get a McJob/sign on and keep sharing with friends (as I assume he is at the moment) and learning to function as an independent adult.
Well, when my mother became homeless, and rang me up for help, I didn't check with DP. When my sister rang, in a right state, asking me to help her as she has nothing to live for etc, I didn't tell her to hang on whilst I checked with DP. Same when DPs brother turned up with his head split open, after his own dad had done it and kicked him out, DP didn't check with me either. Why? Because, when we moved in, we purposely bought a sofa bed so if anything happens with regards to our families and friends, they would have a bed. Or even if someone wanted to sleep over. So, we had already agreed in a round a bout way at the start that we would always help our families out and that we wouldn't see them on the street.
I am surprised that this isn't something that has come up in conversation with the majority. It seems daft. Almost like marrying someone before finding out if they want children IMO.
OP, I think you sound like a lovely and supportive sister, and I hope your OH calms down and doesn't put his foot down over this.
I think there is a huge difference between the emergencies that people are using as examples and the situation that the OP is in.
YANBU. You hardly gave him a key and contract, you gave him hope that he wouldn't be homeless if things didn't work out.
I don't agree. The DB isn't in an emergency situation now, granted. But, all the OP has said is if that day comes, then she will help him and he won't be homeless. It isn't like she has moved him in now.
You did absolutelythe right thing, and your husband is being both childish and unreasonable.
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