to think DH is wrong to be irritated with me

(78 Posts)
grugelite Sat 05-Jan-13 21:41:51

My brother is in his final year at university and is currently applying for graduate schemes/jobs. He's been rejected from quite a few but is still in contention for some. I was talking to him today and he is really worried about being not getting a job, he seems to think he's going to end up homeless and that "the world doesn't need him and the world doesn't want him". Its obvious that he isn't sleeping very well and he looks dreadful.

Anyway I told him not to worry because if he graduates and can't find work then he can always stay with me (our parents are a no go in this regard) and that he's my little brothers and there's no way I'd abandon him etc. After he left DH has had a massive go at me for as he must have overheard the conversation saying that I have no right to start making agreements to let anyone come and stay in our home without consulting him and that I was "totally wrong" to make cast-iron promises about future support and obligations that he may have to contribute towards without asking him and now he's gone off to his study sulking.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights Sat 05-Jan-13 22:13:55

I think, in general, it's a good idea to discuss it with your other half. However if my brother (yes, even my brother who is a GIT) was saying those things I'd do what you did and if my DH said what yours has, I would check he'd heard that part of the conversation and if he had I'd be putting the writing on the wall FOR HIM!!

My ex had a brother who was in a shitty relationship (she was quite violent with it too - very handy with a knife) and he was (well, still is I suppose but I don't see him now!) a nice bloke. One day I got home and found him in our house and his stuff in the spare room - he'd finally escaped left her and rung my (then) DP who had said to come and stay with us - it didn't occur to me for one minute to be annoyed about it and my DP didn't feel the need for my permission to allow his brother to stay with us when he needed help. He needed somewhere to live, we had a spare room <shrug> He lived with us for over a year (his 2 dogs as well), though would have only stayed a short while if I wasn't happy with it.

(I didn't have a mobile in those days so DP had no way of letting me know before I got home - before anyone asks).

thirdfromleft Sat 05-Jan-13 22:14:36

I think we're missing some info...

How much space do you have to put up another guest? Do you have a spare room or is he going to be sleeping in the living room?

Do your DH and DB get along?

In general, giving someone an indefinite invite to someone to live with you is a huge ask. You'd never do it to a flatmate / housemate without asking; why is a spouse less important?

AgentZigzag Sat 05-Jan-13 22:15:38

They've been spouting the same thing for decades I'm sure, times are always tough.

The uncertainty is unnerving though.

ilovesooty Sat 05-Jan-13 22:17:02

That's interesting, grugelite

I work with careers advice within my job and all our volunteers have sessions with me. The ones who are third year university students are all critical of the careers advice at their universities.

Could you suggest he registers with the National Careers Service and books a session with an adviser?

grugelite Sat 05-Jan-13 22:19:07

ilovesooty- I will certainly suggest it to him.

whathasthecatdonenow Sat 05-Jan-13 22:19:31

Really, the comments are worrying and I think you need to insist as much as possible that he sees a doctor. I'm harping on a theme here, I know, but I have experience of this from both sides (hearing the comments and making them) and they do worry me when you say he hasn't been sleeping and looks terrible too.

grugelite Sat 05-Jan-13 22:22:57

whathasthecatdonenow- I don't disagree and I did tell him that I think that I think he should speak to someone but I don't think he will do so.

whathasthecatdonenow Sat 05-Jan-13 22:26:23

I understand that grugelite, then I think the only thing you can do is to remain supportive and keep in touch regularly. Sorry that both he and you are experiencing such a difficult time.

AgentZigzag Sat 05-Jan-13 22:29:02

If he hears someone whose opinion he values and who he knows care about him saying they're worried that he's not coping very well, he may listen.

He's going through something lots of people do all the time, nobody is truly secure, but only you can judge whether it's more than this and, knowing him as you do from how he's acted in the past, whether he's able to find a way through and succeed in what he wants to do.

TinyDancingHoofer Sat 05-Jan-13 22:29:40

I think you should have asked your DH first just for consideration. I'd be mad if someone offered my home up even if it was to my most favourite person in the world.

CailinDana Sat 05-Jan-13 22:30:55

My DH used to have a tendency to plan things and make decisions without consulting me first and it really really pissed me off. It was never anything major - things like saying yes to his parents' request to stay a couple of more days - but it made me feel like it wasn't my house at all and that I would just have to put up with whatever arrangements he made, like I'm a child. I went absolutely batshit crazy at him at one point because I was tired and ill and he'd agreed to let his (at the time, very overbearing - they're much better now) parents stay an extra three days and just sprang it on me in their presence so I couldn't say a word. I way way way overreacted, and I apologised later, but really it was the last straw in a huge haystack of straws. He doesn't do it any more.

DH loves and adores my younger sister and I would have her live with us forever if needed, but I would consult DH first. It's just polite - it's his house too and you can't make unilateral decisions. Even if you're absolutely sure he would say yes, that's not the point, feeling like someone who should respect you is running you life behind your back is totally exasperating.

I think your DH overreacted (like I did) but I can completely see where he's coming from.

HelenLynn Sat 05-Jan-13 22:32:35

YANBU. Of course a sibling, especially one that young, shouldn't have to worry about homelessness when you have a home you can share. I wouldn't hesitate to say the same to any of my or DH's siblings, and I'd hope he would offer equally readily; we both bought into this sort of thing when we married each other. There's a big difference between the immediate reassurance of, "don't worry, we won't let you be homeless," and the contingency of, "I'm sure you could always stay with us, although I'll have to talk it through with DH."

It might be different in some circumstances -- if your brother and DH had a tense relationship, for example, or if your brother were looking at homelessness having squandered a lot of second chances -- but you haven't said anything to suggest that anything like this is going on.

strumpetpumpkin Sat 05-Jan-13 22:36:14

YABU to offer anyone to stay without discussing it with the other person who lives there first.

pictish Sat 05-Jan-13 22:37:04

I agree with your dh. That sort of decision is a joint decision. Absofuckinglutely!!

grugelite Sat 05-Jan-13 22:45:33

I can sort of see where people who think I was being unreasonable are coming from but I felt that I had to say something to try and reassure him and it would be a very cold day in hell before I left my brother to be destitute.

CailinDana Sat 05-Jan-13 22:49:44

Do you think your DH would actually object to him living with you, or was he just annoyed you hadn't said something first?

millanator Sat 05-Jan-13 22:59:28

YANBU your brother sounds to be in a dark place and all you were doing was trying to lift some of the weight off his shoulders. The outlook for 18-25s is possibly the bleakest in many years and you not be much of a sister if you did not offer to help help him in a time of need.

grugelite Sat 05-Jan-13 23:05:01

Cailinana- I didn't think he would but now he has reacted in this manner I'm questioning it a little

Booyhoo Sat 05-Jan-13 23:07:38

you need to consider how you would feel in the reverse situation. and i dont just mean your DH's sibling, i mean if he offered a place in your home to someone he felt close enough to do it for (could be his friend/cousin/friend of an uncles'dog) without asking you first.

tbh i would be very pissed off if i wasn't asked first about someone moving into my home.

KobayashiMaru Sat 05-Jan-13 23:08:50

YABU. You don't offer someone, anyone, to move into your house without speaking to the person you already live with. You just don't. It doesn't mean he would have had a problem with it, but I'm not surprised he's annoyed at you not considering him.

Shelby2010 Sat 05-Jan-13 23:11:59

YANBU, but neither is your DH.

Explain to him that it was an off the cuff remark because you were worried about how down your DB appeared. Presumably your DB still has 6 months or so to get on a graduate scheme or find a more temporary job - it's not as if he's definitely moving in!

tinkertitonk Sat 05-Jan-13 23:13:58

You are being a wonderful sister but a slightly less wonderful wife. You need to do a bit of explaining and apologising to your husband TBH. If he's a reasonable and kind person it won't be hard.

whathasthecatdonenow Sat 05-Jan-13 23:14:02

I think if you have someone you love very much exploring suicidal thoughts in front of you that you do all you can to convince them that they are loved and wanted. Irritating your DH is so far down your list of considerations at that moment in time that it doesn't even register. At least in my world.

wannabedreams Sat 05-Jan-13 23:16:37

Even my brother who is a total idiot and pain in the ass would always have a home here in our tiny house with three kids if he needed it, as would DH sister, it's like THE rules!!!!

I think it was a good thing to reassure your brother as you did, your Dh is probably right to be worried, but summer is a long way off and chances are will have found something by then.
My oldest didn't apply for his graduate position until July after he graduated (graduated in June) and started work in the September, so just because he hasn't had an offer yet doesn't mean there's no hope.
During his final year Ds applied for dozens of jobs and never even got an interview.

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