To be upset that DH gets in a bad mood with me if any of the DCs are ill?

(55 Posts)
Findingmyself Sat 05-Jan-13 09:37:38

He seems to think I'm the unreasonable one.

To give an example, one night last week our 3 year old DS went to bed and woke up about an hour later crying and feeling poorly. He was subsequently up until around 2am. During this time I dealt with him, DH just moaned that he was tired and went to sleep. The following day, even though it was me that had been up with DS, DH was in a foul mood with me, and wouldn't really speak to me, and instead just moaned about how tired he was. When the kids are ill DH goes very uncommunicative, and starts making smart arse comments at me like a child. He does it when I've been ill too, and I never get looked after at all if ill, I just have to soldier on.

About a year ago, DS was ill with a virus for almost a week, and again I stayed up with him every night, probably getting about 8 hours sleep in 4 nights in total. DH spent the whole time not talking to me, and just avoiding us really, and being like a surly child if I asked him to do anything.

He's like it with me too if either of our other children are ill. He also gets moody if any of them are badly behaved; DS woke up early this morning and had a tantrum because he's tired, and now it looks like I'm in for another day of not being spoken to by DH.

FelicityWasSanta Sat 05-Jan-13 09:40:06

Have you asked him why he does this?

he sounds like a dick

HecatePropolos Sat 05-Jan-13 09:41:23

Tell him he's a total arse.
And refuse to have anything to do with him when he's ill!
God help you if you ever get a serious illness, that's all I can say!

EuroShagmore Sat 05-Jan-13 09:42:04

What an arse.

Findingmyself Sat 05-Jan-13 09:42:09

I've asked him so many times why he does it and he denies it.

Findingmyself Sat 05-Jan-13 09:43:05

It's hard enough dealing with an unwell child but each time a child gets ill I just think "Here we go again" as I know the difficulty is going to be doubled as DH will act like a child too.

Gumby Sat 05-Jan-13 09:43:36

I hope he has some good points

Gumby Sat 05-Jan-13 09:44:53

Was he like this after you'd given birth? Dud he sulk & not help with the baby?

I can't stand people with no ounce of compassion or kindness

How will he cope when you're both old & frail?!

Findingmyself Sat 05-Jan-13 09:47:03

No he didn't help at all when I had the DCs, Gumby. He did help a little after DC3 was born, but then threw an almighty tantrum on my second day home, as he'd apparently spent hours doing things for me and I didn't appreciate it, and then threatened to leave me.

I had a chest infection about 18 months ago and was in bed, and he wouldn't even help get the kids things ready for school the next day so I had to do it.

Theicingontop Sat 05-Jan-13 09:47:28

To me, it sounds like he believes that child-rearing is your responsibility, not his, and if the kids are ill or misbehaving then you're not doing your job properly.

Correct me if I'm off-base, but where was he all those nights you were staying up with your sick child?

Is your DH one of those people who never gets ill?

Did he actually want to have kids? Sounds like he resents sharing you.

I'd play him at his own game and if he requests anything, say you're "too tired" to oblige.

BumpingFuglies Sat 05-Jan-13 09:48:11

My exH was like this too. I think it's because he felt threatened by it - like I was always the capable one, the nurturer. It was my job to care for the family and if I was ill or DS was ill, it somehow upset his feelings of security. It was very selfish and unacceptable, just one of the reasons he is now EXH wink

and then threatened to leave me.

He sounds just lovely.

littlestressy Sat 05-Jan-13 09:48:45

Does he have some kind of phobia about illness? Was he like this when you were ill before you had children? What is he like when HE is ill I would totally ignore him when he's ill if that's what he does to you and the children

Ummm, sounds pretty awful, especially him denying that he does it.

Softlysoftly Sat 05-Jan-13 09:49:52

Why are you with him?

Serious question, you need a partner who supports you, god forbid you get a serious illness you will be on your own.

Gumby Sat 05-Jan-13 09:50:14

Oh my god your latest post is shocking sad

Why on earth did you have 3 kids with this man?!

He didn't even help when you had a chest infection?

Do you love him?

Findingmyself Sat 05-Jan-13 09:50:40

Yep, he wanted children. He does get ill himself from time to time and is a typical man-flu sufferer when ill.

All of the nights when I was up with DS, DH was in bed getting a full night's sleep. I slept with DS either downstairs or in DS's room.

He definitely makes me feel like I've failed if the kids are ill.

What's he like with you and the DCs when you're not ill? Does he get grumpy when things aren't happening the way he thinks they should?

Yamyoid Sat 05-Jan-13 09:51:45

Is it because if the dcs or you are ill, it limits your availability to do things for him. Sounds like he's being a brat.

Findingmyself Sat 05-Jan-13 09:52:14

I do love him. He veers between 2 people. The nice, loving person, and then a sulky child if the kids are ill or he is inconvenienced. I think he is happy as long as everything suits him.

littlestressy Sat 05-Jan-13 09:52:16

I had a chest infection about 18 months ago and was in bed, and he wouldn't even help get the kids things ready for school the next day so I had to do it.

Just saw this, what can I say. He sounds like a total knob.

BertieBotts Sat 05-Jan-13 09:55:08

"He veers between 2 people. The nice, loving person, and then a sulky child if the kids are ill or he is inconvenienced. I think he is happy as long as everything suits him."

And I bet you all go out of you way in order to prevent this from happening?

HecatePropolos Sat 05-Jan-13 09:56:13

Youd better pray to god neither you nor your children ever have a long term illness or have a disabling accident because you already know you can't count on him.
I can't believe he said he'd leave you. He sounds awful, really awful.

yfuwchhapus Sat 05-Jan-13 09:56:22

Maybe it's his method of coping with the worry when you/DC are ill?

My friend is the most caring mum to her DC but when they are ill she can't look at them!! Will put them I front of the TV with duvet, take in food at appropriate time and run in if they have been sick etc...but otherwise she will just sit in a different room listening out for them! It's her way of coping, just can't cope when they are ill!

Just a thought or maybe he's a lazy bum!!

Meglet Sat 05-Jan-13 09:56:59

My XP was like that. Note the XP part. IMO any adult who doesn't pull their weight in a household is surplus to requirements.

I'm afraid I can't suggest anythng though, my XP would go into a rage if I asked him to help.

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