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To feel absolutely gutted by brothers behaviour and want him to sod off- long post!!

(47 Posts)
Damash12 Thu 03-Jan-13 18:30:17

I'll try and keep this short as possible but would really like some of your honest opinions before I know what will be a huge argument tomorrow.
Ok, brother is 36 has his own house but has always relied on mum to bail him out cash wise. Mum died in May 2011 and it soon becomes apparent how much she did bail him out. He has no concept of money and believes you put nipping to the pub, lottery, nights out at the top of the weekly essential list before bills. Anyway, after mum passed he got in financial difficulty and was understandably depressed over the loss and decides rather than lose his house to rent it out and go and lodge at a mates house for £80 pw. This was last November and didn't last long as said friend wouldn't put any heating on and then wanted extra money for bills which initially was included. It also turned out that friend started charging him from the date he started putting some if his belongings into his property (so basically £80 a week to house a wardrobe!)It was further from his workplace and quite clearly not that much cheaper han the £1000 outlay he had when at his own home. On Jan 21st last year, he came to my house very depressed and down and we discussed asking mums husband if he could live there while he got on his feet. I had reservastions about this and already pre-empted what SD would say. Brother likes gaming and watching tv all night. SD in late 60's coming to terms with loss of his wife and a tidy kind of person which brother is not!!
Anyway, while he went to ask I spoke to my husband and asked if he could live here temporarily (6 months) Bless him, husband mortified but says if its what I want then fine but he doesn't want opinionated brother treating the place like an hotel. Brother comes back and SD has I predicted said no as didn't want to fall out if they didn't get on but would loan him the £900 he owed out - £500 to friend and £400 to dad. (Can't live at dads as he is in a 1 bed council bungalow). Myself, DH and DS live in a 2 bed terraced with a converted loft so not a massive deal of room for us but when he came back I said I had spoken with DH and he could stay in the loft for £30 pw on the condition he cleared his debts. He comes home with £270 pw or £320 if doing overtime, he also does friends decorating and about once every 3 months gets a painting job that generates about £300. We planned that if he moved in in Feb until Nov he would have cleared his debts and would have around £2000 saved and be ready to start again in his own house. Fast forward to this November and he mentions he will be staying here 6 longer (no discussion). Periodically I have asked him if he has paid SD back, "No I need to clear over draft /tax car/credit card/buy pressies first" Anything but actually make any paymet to SD. Mid december, things come to an head and me and DH are now fed up with untidyness, sarcky comments and general lack of respect and by this time may I add I am now 7months pregnant and we are getting even shorter on space. Anyway, it now materialises he now owes double the amount he did before he moved in!! Now has 2 overdrafts, not paid SD, borrowed again from dad, not paid off crdit cards and now owes garage for work to his car. While all the time regularly going out for meals with gf, 4 pack of stella most nights and lottery on every occasion. I went mad and was told the debt with SD was none of my business and between him and SD. I said he made it my business when he came to live here for £30 a week. Also bear in mind that me and dh are not well off and have had our own money issues to clear as dh was out of work the previous year so we have been clawing back from that. We borrowed from SD also to get dh a reliable car when he got a new job as it involved travelling. SD made it clear he needed the money back by August to clear his mortgage so we made his payments a priority and cannot tell you the last time we had a night out and we certainly had no holidays and birthdays where based on promises of things when back on our feet. We paid him back. Since argument with brother I have now found out he has also started smoking again... apparently due to being stressed about money -talk about contradiction!! anyway, there is noooooooooo way I am having him living here when baby arrives and him breathing fag breath over baby, secondly I told him if he hadn't packed in the fags by new year he could pay us £50pw this was met with a roll of the eyes and a "whatever". He hasn't stopped and even came home with 4 pack of stella last night. Tomorrow is the day I will insist on £50 not £30 -if he can afford to drink and smoke he can afford to pay more to live here - AIBU?? Secondly, I feel so hurt and used that why should we put him up when we are so short on space and now living here for £30pw will not make any dent in his debts now even if I do let him stay til May. AIBU to ask him to end the tenancy and sod off back to his own house???? (he has to give 2months notice, so he'll still be here until mid march. Thirdly, baby will be here by end of Jan, AIBU to stand my ground and say he goes anywhere but here if he continues to be a smoker once the baby arrives - I can't stand the smell and please bear in mind DH was an occasional smoker until I was 6 months pregnant and really put in the effort to quit way in advance of the new baby arriving so like fuck I'm going to let brother think it's ok and if I hear "I don't smoke in the house" I'll scream. Sorry for long rant and thanks to anyone that reads it but I feel sooooo gutted and feel me and DH have been treated like shit!!!! Any advice??

cocolepew United States Thu 03-Jan-13 18:34:16

Tell him to bag his stuff and go.

AuntieMaggie Thu 03-Jan-13 18:34:44

Yes he needs to leave.

littlewhitebag Thu 03-Jan-13 18:34:51

You are having a baby, you need the space and the peace. Brother has to go no question. He is an adult and needs to sink or swim by himself.

Proudnscaryvirginmary Thu 03-Jan-13 18:37:44

Of course YANBU.

I could tell where this post was going from first few lines.

Kick him out. Now. He will never pay any of you back so don't lend him another penny.

You are a nice, caring person, he is a selfish leech.

Oh and pleeeeaaase use paragraphs <eyes hurt>

CloudsAndTrees Thu 03-Jan-13 18:39:00

I gave up reading half way through, but that was enough to know that you need to get him out of your house.

Revengeofkarma Thu 03-Jan-13 18:41:56

The two months notice isn't your problem. He's on week to week and can clear off at the end of this one. Maybe girlfriend will take him. Or not,no longer your problem.

He isn't being responsible because he doesn't have to be. You'll bail him out. sD will bail him out. Mum bailed him out for years. Time for a huge reality check. And coordinate with your dad and SD on this. He made his bed and for once he can actually lay in it.

ihearsounds Thu 03-Jan-13 18:42:41

He has 2 weeks to pack his stuff and move. If he doesn't he will find his stuff on the lawn. It's not like you will be making him homeless, he has a house. He is an adult and needs to grow up. Harsh, but if he looses his house because of his ways then this is his own fault. He cannot rely indefinitely on people bailing him out.

StuntGirl Thu 03-Jan-13 18:43:39

Tell him to leave. You don't owe him anything and he has betrayed your hospitality bg lying and abusing your trust. Although to be fair given his past he was hardly going to turn into a model citizen overnight was he?

Tell him to leave.

HeadfirstForAMistletoeKiss Thu 03-Jan-13 18:47:26

He needs to leave. He will never learn how to be responsible for himself while people are bailing him out all the time. Even if he loses his house and ends up penniless, well if that's what it takes it's his problem.

He is in total denial and will not change until he hits rock bottom. Every time you cushion the bottom he will stay in denial.

For his sake, kick him out.

Mayisout Thu 03-Jan-13 18:48:25

You can't change other people so no amount of coaxing, threatening, warning, telling with fix this. Just get him out now, giving him more time won't help, so get him out now.

ChaoticintheNewYear Thu 03-Jan-13 18:49:10

He needs to leave immediately, where he goes is not your problem. He won't learn if you all keep bailing him out.

timidviper Thu 03-Jan-13 18:49:23

He may have a contract for renting out his house but, presumably, has signed no contract with you? I would just tell him that he has let you down badly, you can no longer trust him and with your baby coming soon he must find somewhere else as soon as possible.

He is not being responsible so you cannot be responsible for him.

peachypips Thu 03-Jan-13 18:50:29

Kick him out immediately. He behaves the way he does because he thinks he can get away with it, mainly because he has! He needs to face up to reality and grow up. Out right now- you're not helping him get his act together by continuing to house him, although I think you have been more than good and generous to him.

MolehillAlchemy Thu 03-Jan-13 18:50:29

Do you feed him as well? It certainly cost more than £30 a week to feed and keep an adult man.

Sounds like you are taking a financial hit, when you could be putting your money towards more important things.

Tough one though - you obviously care for him, and especially since the loss of your mother. He is taking advantage though, no question.

emmam25 Thu 03-Jan-13 18:54:00

I might be reading this wrong but you're 7 months pregnant but baby will be here at the end of this month? confused

ShipwreckedAndComatose Thu 03-Jan-13 18:59:35

YANBU

he really does need to go. He'll never change whilst someone is around to bail him out.

QueenofPlaids Thu 03-Jan-13 19:06:30

Agree with others - YANBU. £30 per week is nothing, even for a room in a shared house -most students pay a good deal more than that. Even on a relatively low income he must be spending a fair amount to increase his debts if that's all he's paying for housing.

It doesn't sound like he'll change while he's still being protected from the consequences of his actions, so I would throw him out. He needs to grow up.

BooCanary Thu 03-Jan-13 19:06:57

You have been a soft touch saint. He needs to go before baby comes. Do not be persuaded or be sucked in by sob story.

He is never going to sort himself out until he is forced to act like an adult. He needs to GO!

TalkativeJim Thu 03-Jan-13 19:11:29

You are doing what your mother did - cant you see?

Your brother is a waster because he's never, ever had to face the consequences of pissing away his money and pissing off his family/friends. More money appears to make it all alright, other people step in to make sure he has a bed/food/warmth. That was your mother, now it's you.

He'll never pay your SD back.
He'll never save money to get back to his house.
He won't stop smoking.
He'll continue to treat you and your DH like shit.
He will continue to rack up debt.

- because he simply has no concept of that not being ok, just like a toddler.

I feel sorry for him. Your mum did him no favours. You know that the absolute best thing you could do for your brother would be to ask him to leave, right now? To say 'Youre in the shit because you did this, this, and this, you've lied to us and treated us like crap when we've tried to help you. Get out -you're on your own now.' And then just LEAVE HIM TO IT - to get a room somewhere until he can get back into his house.

You would also be doing him a financial favour. What has he done since being cushioned by you and your DH? That's right, racked up more debt, because he fully expects never to be made to leave or pay his way. If you do nothing but threaten and shout, he will continue to get further into debt, because he doesn't think it matters. He DOES NOT THINK LIKE YOU OR MOST NORMAL, RESPONSIBLE PEOPLE. That's the crucial thing to understand. And he won't start until someone makes him face up to adult life.

You will also probably fall out badly if he is still there when you have the baby. He won't respect you or your privacy or your wishes and he will ruin what should be a special time.

Give him a week, then take his key and give him the boot. It'll be the best thing anyone's ever done for him.

Smellslikecatspee Thu 03-Jan-13 19:13:31

What they said ^^

Tell him he has two weeks to find somewhere else. Then change the locks.

TheCrackFox Thu 03-Jan-13 19:24:40

Tell the immature prick to fuck off.

Chuck him out, he is an adult and needs to learn to act like one.

HecatePropolos Thu 03-Jan-13 19:26:27

Pack up his stuff and put it on the doorstep.

He will continue to take the piss for as long as he is allowed to.

He isn't your responsibility.

Perhaps he needs to hit bottom and have nobody bail him out in order to grow the hell up!

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