To feel jealous. Often. Come kick me up the arse

(74 Posts)
OccasionalCoasterUser Tue 01-Jan-13 20:45:07

Self-pitying monologue alert

DS is 10 months and sometimes I get these days (like today) where I feel really disappointed in myself about how those 10 months have been and insanely jealous that lots of friends are having better experiences:

-Had a birth that while, not out of the ordinary (induction, epidural, forceps, large tear), still makes me feel sad. A lot of my friends have given birth over xmas and all had easy births that they say they enjoyed.

-Didn't manage to bfeed for long. Don't really know the real reason why but the most natural thing in the world (apparently) just didn't work (and that's a whole other thread). Still confused. And sad when I see my friends breastfeeding, every last one of them without a hitch!

-DS sleeps so poorly. Hates napping. Wakes every few hours. Read all the books. Tried everything, every method. Everyone else I know seems to have one of those babies who slept through at 12 weeks. What am I doing wrong?

-DS just seems like such an unhappy, easily upset baby. All he does is cry, cling to me, cry. Struggling terribly with separation anxiety. Won't go to anyone else. Had to cancel the babysitter three times in last few weeks and desperate for just one dinner out with DH. I feel like we have no time to speak these days. Again, no one else I know with babies around the same age seems to have this problem..

-To top it all off, I'm as fat as I was the day I left the hospital with DS. I just can't seem to shift the weight. Sometimes good cheese and bread is all I have left to look forward to at the end of another gruelling day!! My best friend gave birth to her second three months ago and has shifted every fricking ounce without even trying. Gah.

Jealousy is such an unattractive quality, but I'm literally consumed by it right now. I just feel like such a failure and wonder if I've brought this on myself by just being a bit crap. You know if I had a brilliant birth but failed to breastfeed, that would be ok, or vice versa. But I seem to have failed at every hurdle, while barely anyone else I know experienced a single hitch, so I can't help but wonder how much of it I brought on myself??

Cry

Maryz Tue 01-Jan-13 21:05:25

Your ds is 10 months old.

Soon he will be ten years old, and that ten months will be just a blip. And shortly after that he will be 30 with a ten month old of his own, and his ten months will be completely negligible.

And the ten hours of your "birth experience" is already negligible - a blip of time on his (and your) lifeline, so short it isn't worth remembering.

You mustn't waste time with regrets - enjoy the good bits, put the rest out of your mind.

And if you find it hard to do, start keeping a diary. Write down his smiles, the days at the park, the hugs, the little things that you take for granted. Compared to those, the sleepless nights, the clinginess etc is irrelevant.

And as for your weight - wtf, what does that matter? You can be fat and happy you know.

<kicks Occasional up the arse, in a supportive way of course>

grin

Hemlet Tue 01-Jan-13 21:08:05

Another good phrase is to never compare your behind-the-scenes footage to everyone else's highlight reel. It might seem like all is perfect but believe me, it wont be xx

teacher123 Tue 01-Jan-13 21:09:23

People lie. I have a good friend who constantly posts smug Facebook statuses about everything to do with her baby, but I KNOW she is struggling as much as everyone else does.

RubyrooUK Tue 01-Jan-13 21:09:51

Honestly, don't waste time feeling jealous. I don't know anyone who has found everything easy so I suspect you are just using this as a stick to beat yourself with. Or your friends aren't being honest. Or you're only hearing the bits that you feel worst about.

I had the "worst" birth in terms of awful injuries out of everyone I knew. But on the other hand, after three weeks of feeding stress hell, I was able to breastfeed with ease till DS was a toddler.

DS slept in 45 minute cycles and didn't nap for his first year. At age two, he has only slept through maybe four times ever. On the other hand, he's very good natured, imaginative and fun to be with and super cuddly.

We have no family nearby to help out so DH and I have had two dates ever in two years (only one at night) and we were too tired to be romantic. On the other hand, we're pretty happy.

Depending on my mood/time of day/last night/how much time I've spent with DS, you may hear either one of the two versions in each scenario above. All are true but one gives a totally different impression of my child and parenting abilities than the other.

Having a baby is hard. Perhaps your friends really are having it easier at this point in time. But they won't always find that's the case.

So don't compare too much. All the examples you give sound like normal parenting issues to me. I'm sure you're a great mum.

aw, love. you sound so tired! DS 1 was shockingly bad sleeper too, still waking 2-4 times a night at 9 months, looking back I have no idea how we lived through it. you haven't failed at anything, you just need a break, a hug, and.some better or at least more honest friendsgrin
wishing you more rest in 2013 x(I speak as someone whose toddler is watching tv.and.eating crackers just so I can have a break. oh, and I have.the post-baby body of a.teletubby !)

OccasionalCoasterUser Tue 01-Jan-13 21:12:18

Aw, have downed the last of the christmas mint baileys and know what? I love you lot. I'm a serial namechanger (fear of being outed!!) but many of you have been lovely to me before and I'm so bloody grateful. My NY resolution is to (and I HATE this phrase) pay it forward and reply to more posts from other people needing advice, and I shall

DixieD Tue 01-Jan-13 21:18:15

You know what I bet your friends aren't breezing through. From the outside I looked like your friends do. Straightforward quick births (not enjoyable though), breastfed easily, good sleepers, lost most weight quickly, generally content babies. With all of them I fell apart on fairly regular basis. With the first two I remember calling my mother and telling her I couldn't take it anymore. When DH went back to work after DS1 I sat on my bedroom floor and cried, begged him not to go. I remember with both DD and DS1 telling DH we had made a huge mistake, what the hell had we done having a baby? At least with them it was only the first couple of months i was like that. With DS2 I lost it completely. I cried every evening for a year. Tears of pure frustration because it was so difficult and relentless.
You are doing great. It gets better. This too shall pass.

CinnamonCandle Tue 01-Jan-13 21:18:32

I could've written your post but fast forward 13years and DD is fantastic (not all the DCs who were easy babies are, and many of the parents who found the baby stage a breeze are NOT coping so well with the teenage phase!). Don't be jealous and cut yourself some slack. My tip? Take lots of photos of your DS now. I didn't and DD's first year now seems a bit of a blur. Take care.

hackmum Tue 01-Jan-13 21:20:18

All the things you mention (difficult birth, not able to breastfeed, non-sleeping baby, not getting the weight off etc) are all very common, even if it doesn't seem like it from the people around you. I think you must be feeling pretty exhausted and that is enough to make you feel fretful and upset. The difficult birth and lack of bf are all in the past, so you can't do anything about them. There are techniques for helping a baby get to sleep, however, so it is worth finding out what worked for other people and trying those. Once you've got that sorted, you'll be in a much better position to tackle the weight.

The other thing is that parenting is a long game: my difficult baby is now a delightful teenager, whereas I see friends whose babies were perfect now struggling with nightmare teenagers. So there are always ups and downs, and it won't always feel like this, I promise.

NumericalMum Tue 01-Jan-13 21:20:39

They are lying. I promise. Or their second DCs will never sleep. Or they will have awful teenagers grin
Are you ok otherwise? I found life easier after returning to work and getting a bit of me back. I now barely remember those early months despite wanting to run away from it all most days!

Feelingood Tue 01-Jan-13 21:23:15

YOU and only you, grew your little one and got home here safely. That is a big achievement in itself.

I had a section I opted for it it's how I wanted to give birth (more to it) but my point is we all go about this parenting business same similar and v different.

PurplePidjChickIsNotTheMessiah Tue 01-Jan-13 21:24:46

Dp is in hospital, I'm staying with my MIL for an indefinite period of time (turns out only till Saturday hooray!), ds is 6weeks and has cluster fed for 2 days straight apart from over night thank fuck

I popped home last night and bumped into a neighbour this morning. She asked how we were doing. My reply?

"Oh, you know, bit of colic but we're mostly ok"

People lie. In my case because it's easier than talking about how fucked up my life is right now - I just couldn't handle yet another sympathetic grimace and insincere offer of help not a neighbour I get on well with

You gave birth to a healthy child - success.

You have kept that child with a full tum and clean bum - success

You're doing perfectly!

CinnamonCandle Tue 01-Jan-13 21:26:51

As numericalMum says going back to work helped me. I went back when DD was 14 weeks which seems really early by today's standards but was the norm back then, which may not have been a bad thing.

Maryz Tue 01-Jan-13 21:32:25

Oh Pidj sad. Sorry you are having a tough time.

And yy to "clean bum and full tum" - that's all that matters for the first five years anway. I'll add to that

"clean bum, full tum, happy mum" - that's all children want.

<apologies to dads, but mum rhymes>

NomNomDePlumPudding Tue 01-Jan-13 21:34:16

i can't advise re birth and bf as i've had different experiences from you, but i can tell you that dd2, who is 13 months, at 10 months was a fucking nightmare sleeper and at 13 months does 8-8 more or less without stirring (this is not some brilliant strategy of mine, i put her in a cot in her own room and coped with a fairly short crying episode one night and that was it, she was just finally ready to do it) - and everything else is better now that we are not atrociously sleep deprived. so be hopeful. 10 months is a tricky age, the dawning consciousness thing upsets them.

Fakebook Tue 01-Jan-13 21:35:40

A lot of my friends have given birth over xmas and all had easy births that they say they enjoyed

Really? Who are these women who enjoyed giving birth?! I think they're talking a load of shit there! I hate this whole loopy la la notion that birthing should be a spiritual experience. You push a human out of your 10cm wide vagina. Nothing spiritual about it and if you need extra help with that, so be it. Don't think you've failed just because your life and your baby's life was saved by medical intervention.

Oh yeah, and if it helps, my DS is 12 months next week and he still HAS NO TEETH. sad

Iggly Tue 01-Jan-13 21:36:37

Could your baby have silent reflux or dairy intolerance? Poor sleep, miserable... Sounds possible.

I recognise the feelings. It's horrible sad

ellee Tue 01-Jan-13 21:47:17

People lie OP, they do!

Personally birth also not the OBEM bloody dream either.

BF'ing a bloody nightmare. Just remember that before formula sometimes babies failed to thrive so feck it. Give the damn bottle and be thankful I say!

Dd didn't even beggin to sleep trhough until 10m and while she is much better, dh still gets up to her fairly regularly.(21m now)

As for the weight, ds is 3.5 and am only back at my normal weight now. Found it completely. Impossible to do all I had to do AND deny myself... Cheese mainly ;)

So, don't despair! And remember people lie!!

tethersjinglebellend Tue 01-Jan-13 21:47:44

It's not you.

Babies are cunts.

RubyrooUK Tue 01-Jan-13 21:48:36

grin Tethers.

People really do put a brave face on things. I am apparently surprisingly honest about the problems I had after DD was born and this in part stems from my believe that covering all of this stuff up doesn't help anyone as no one has any idea of what is actually normal. I had specialist perinatal counselling after DD's birth and first few months and my main memory of the counselling was the counsellor saying "I hear that all the time" and "that is completely normal, lots of women feel like that".

I had a birth much like yours and then didn't heal well. It was like being in a car crash with someone then saying "up you get, here's a newborn to look after". BF didn't work as my body was in some sort of survival mode (I am sure that someone will contradict me on this). I was enormously helped by my GP effectively saying "forget it, it just doesn't matter" and a pediatrician friend having described women turning themselves into wrecks to continue to BF and wanting to just say "give your baby formula, it's fine".

I imagine that friends would have described DD as clingy. At 10 months, when we went to see friends, their DC would be exploring and DD was always on my lap, though happily there. I never saw her as clingy - but more of a "lapbaby" much like a "lapdog". She is still a bit of a "lapbaby" at 2.4 and most friends seem a little envious of the cuddles I get. I would cling to your DS as much as he clings to you.

10 months seems like forever when you are there, but it is actually not long at all. The year from 12-24 months was amazing for me - things really started to slot into place and I love DD more each day. I only started to lose the baby weight after 24 months (and quite a lot of that was related to sickness bugs, rather than effortful weightloss).

If you are comfortable with it then let little bits of reality slip out to people you trust. You'll be amazed by what comes back from them.

Damash12 Tue 01-Jan-13 21:54:38

I dont think it's jealousy more post natal blues and a massive change to your previous life which you've not yet come to terms with. So, my first dd1 came after (2 miscarriages) spent the whole time pregnant stressing, at 38 weeks pregnant found out he was breach and had a csection birth. Do I feel as though I failed?? do I buggery (a little disappointed) but, however that miracle got out makes me and every other mum a super human/genius in my eyes. Secondly, no one at hospital helped me breast feed, luckily mother in law (midwife)was over from Oz and showed me what to do, and yep had enough milk to feed a small country and do ya know what it was bloody horrible!!!!!!! Not the most natural thing in the world at all, well not for me anyway. I kind of found it a bit weird and was feeding for 40mins every hour and half. Basically couldn't do much else and started to get me down so I lasted 8 weeks. Do I feel like a failure...noooooo. I tried my best it didn't happen and I got a happier baby when switched to formula. Now, nights out, God you need them.. my mum babysat at least once a month and had baby stay there overnight from a few moths old. Me and hubby would go for a meal, stay in and bascially be a couple again for a few hours. Stop cancelling the babysitter and get out or in together. I am adamant you need this time as I now have no nights out with hubby as my mum died of cancer when my son was 2.5 years old and boy do I feel the loss. Back to it being more post natal blues than jealousy I do think that a happy mum = happy baby. Do you maybe think his grislyness (is that a word) is down to him picking up on your vibes???. If this is a possibility then please see the gp or maybe just a bloody good night out will do it. The bottom line is you have a gorgeous 10 month old baby and it's bloody hard work so you need to be kinder to yourself and maybe listen a bit harder to some things your friends are saying as I have friends that initially paint a rosy picture but a few hours/wines in the real story emerges and everyone experiences doubt and difficulties at some point. Hope you feel better soon and happy 2013

RubyrooUK Tue 01-Jan-13 22:00:04

Also just to add to my earlier post,OP that if it took you three years to conceive like me, you feel that you can't complain about anything. (Well, until this wore off after about six to nine months.)

I felt I was so lucky to have DS after fertility treatment that I couldn't winge about anything.

Friends used to say "god your DS is such a bad sleeper - how do you survive?" or "oh dear, he has terrible separation anxiety doesn't he?"....

...and I'd say "oh no, it's all fine! Fine, I tell you, fine! I'm so lucky to have such a gorgeous baby".

Of course I was lucky. I still am. Doesn't mean parenting was all plain sailing and it was a relief when I eased up on myself and realised that I didn't have to be overjoyed at not sleeping or never eating lunch because DS was such hard work. I could be grateful for being a parent and also find it hard.

So now I'm having DS2 to shake things up a bit. grin

Spuddybean Tue 01-Jan-13 22:01:36

Poor you OP. If it's any consolation loads of people feel like you do. I had almost exactly the same thing as you. 7 day on off labour, then 3 days from being induced, pushed for 4 hours, foreceps, tear into rectum, double incontinence, really hard time bfing, only could feed from right side so now have 1 ddcup and 1 a cup. DS now 4 months still only sleeps 3 hours at a time and few 20 min naps.

i put a brave face on it but it's fucking hard.

do you have people to help you?

Maryz Tue 01-Jan-13 22:14:43

Oh, yes Ruby.

It took me eleven years to conceive ds2 (ds1 and dd are adopted). And then I had a shite pregnancy and birth, but everyone expected me to enjoy them because I had waited so long.

But I didn't. It was shite. As was ds2's first six months.

He's nice now though (14 years later) grin.

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