Mumsnet Talk

Self-pitying monologue alert

DS is 10 months and sometimes I get these days (like today) where I feel really disappointed in myself about how those 10 months have been and insanely jealous that lots of friends are having better experiences:

-Had a birth that while, not out of the ordinary (induction, epidural, forceps, large tear), still makes me feel sad. A lot of my friends have given birth over xmas and all had easy births that they say they enjoyed.

-Didn't manage to bfeed for long. Don't really know the real reason why but the most natural thing in the world (apparently) just didn't work (and that's a whole other thread). Still confused. And sad when I see my friends breastfeeding, every last one of them without a hitch!

-DS sleeps so poorly. Hates napping. Wakes every few hours. Read all the books. Tried everything, every method. Everyone else I know seems to have one of those babies who slept through at 12 weeks. What am I doing wrong?

-DS just seems like such an unhappy, easily upset baby. All he does is cry, cling to me, cry. Struggling terribly with separation anxiety. Won't go to anyone else. Had to cancel the babysitter three times in last few weeks and desperate for just one dinner out with DH. I feel like we have no time to speak these days. Again, no one else I know with babies around the same age seems to have this problem..

-To top it all off, I'm as fat as I was the day I left the hospital with DS. I just can't seem to shift the weight. Sometimes good cheese and bread is all I have left to look forward to at the end of another gruelling day!! My best friend gave birth to her second three months ago and has shifted every fricking ounce without even trying. Gah.

Jealousy is such an unattractive quality, but I'm literally consumed by it right now. I just feel like such a failure and wonder if I've brought this on myself by just being a bit crap. You know if I had a brilliant birth but failed to breastfeed, that would be ok, or vice versa. But I seem to have failed at every hurdle, while barely anyone else I know experienced a single hitch, so I can't help but wonder how much of it I brought on myself??

Cry

There will be those along to tell you that everyone can breastfeed. Well, my own experiences tell me that not everyone can!

It is a hort phase, though it seems endless right now. You are doing ok!

Also do remember that people do not always want to admit the truth about their own baby, so you might not be getting to see the whole picture.

You know about every one of your own hard times, but you may not necessarily know about all of theirs.

XxxhugsxxX

Have you failed?

Look again, you have a lovely, healthy 10 month old who loves his Mum.

Seems like you have a lot more than you think.

The people who you think are breezing through it won't be having as easy a time as you think, we all struggle in different ways not all of us admit it though.

you're not jealous

you're tired and have a non sleeping baby

I don't know of any babies that slept through at 12 weeks

i'm still trying to shift baby weight

the inference from your post is that you are failing and everyone else is doing it right

sometimes people fib or only tell you half the story

sometimes a birth debrief can be useful

What do you tell your friends about how you are finding being a Mum?

Do you tell them all of what you've posted? I know that I was rarely 100% honest about the tougher bits of becoming a parent.

I'm pretty sure that things in their lives won't be as rosy as you perceive it to be.

Things will get easier as your ds gets older. I found the first year to be very hard with both ds's.

and BTW, 9/10 months is prime separation anxiety time

you aren't doing anything wrong

You birth was better than my last labour-short version-12 hours labour followed by emerg C section as she had her leg stuck under my rib, I should of been booked in for C section weeks before but Dr somehow over looked the fact DD was breech!

Breast feeding- youngest DD would only latch on too my right breast!

I have realised over the years that people do lie about their own children so try not to compare yourself to others at least you are being honest.

The first year is so tough. Please don't beat yourself up and please believe it will get better.

Birth is hard, breastfeeding can be hard and lots of babies just don't sleep well. That is all so normal.

My son never slept more than five or six hours until around 11 months. Then he started walking, was eating loads, and suddenly was sleeping through the night. Your son will start doing more and find other things more interesting than clinging to mummy, just be patient.

My baby slept through at 12 weeks don't you know

Then from 3 onwards post regression he hasn't slept a fucking wink. 3 years of hourly naps then 12 hour running about.

You're doing fine, they're all different

Someone once told me the grass is always greener because it is fertilised with bullshit....
Everyone feels this way, really don't worry you are doing a great job jealousy really is pointless it will not change anything, you have not failed

You haven't failed - you just have had different experiences. And Mams of new babies rarely reveal the truth as you are supposed to find it a breeze. But in reality it's bloody difficult.
Look at the good things - I didn't enjoy my forceps birth but I had more comedy moments to report afterwards like throwing up and wetting myself at the same time

Your friends enjoyed giving birth?!? Get some new friends

You are not a failure!

Looking back, I realise how much I hated the baby stage with my first child, mainly because I felt so inadequate all the time and just like you, that I was 'failing' at motherhood. And I agree with rubyslippers that people often gloss over the bad stuff. Try not to compare yourself to the other mothers you know, and have faith that things will get better.

Nobody has the perfect experience of raising children but most people are good at pretending everything's brilliant. I'm sure your friends haven't had everything easy. (When I finally told one friend I had PND she was shocked as she said I made it all look so easy. Hah! I'm just a good liar!) You sound like you're doing fine. Be kind to yourself.

I had a friend who said she was laughig all the way through childbirth and didnt know what all the fuss was about ...
I told my mum and she said she must have been lying.
I've never given birth so I don't know but I second the poset who said not everyone tells the truth

Thank you lovely people, so kind of you to reply to my little whinge and make me feel better

Been telling DH who had this contribution "don't be jealous honey, our DS has the most teeth of alllll the babies in our NCT group" (that was the best he could come up with?? But God love him, he is so proud of this fact!)

I love that phrase Hokey

oh i did love giving birth!

i didn't love the next 6 months which came after

Remember those mums who had their babies at christmas are still under the affects of those happy hormones that mother nature sends to get you through the first bit - reality will likely bite.

My very clingy baby, would not even go to her dad at one point, has come through it and is lovely at 7 yo.

This too shall pass.

No kicking required. Big hug, early night and new (but not radical) haircut required.

I can totally identify with you on the first three points. I felt and probably do feel robbed of the happiest aspects of parenthood. i am expecting number two and have been going to therapy..its helped enormously. I felt insanely jealous of my sisters easy 8 hr labour (pah!)' her spurting boobs and really easy baby. Then i felt intensely ashamed of my pettiness. Talk talk talk to the people who support you and realise that everybody feels like a failure at some point in the first year, its tough and its normal but nobody ever talks about it (a bit like the labour itself).

You shouldn't feel jealous or upset or rubbish. You are doing a wonderful job, your DS is happy and healthy.

I have 3 DCs. The first two ate, slept and were really easy babies 90% of the time. I was so bloody smug.

Then, the third one arrived, he barely slept, feeding was a nightmare, I couldn't BF because of health issues and the guilt and anxiety I felt was bloody awful. Two years later I still haven't lost the baby weight either . But, DS is loads better, he sleeps through the night 99% of the time and although still a bit of a fussy eater it's not too bad. He's happy to stay with grandparents for a few hours now too.

So it does get better. I know when you're in the middle of that rotten stage and you feel exhausted and low on confidence it feels a million years away, but it's not I promise. In the meantime, have an unmumsnetty hug and know you're not alone, we all struggle. And your friends will not be having an easy time forever, trust me, they cause so much trouble when they get older

Aw luv. You sound like you're feeling pretty down. I totally get all your reasons, you are never fully prepared for what pregnancy, birth and babies may bring.

One thing you should know is that you are not alone, it may seem like you are surrounded by easy births/babies/bfing and weight loss, but the truth is most new mums will be struggling with one or all of the above.

You need to try to focus on some key issues and the rest will fall into place. You need to try to stop dwelling on the birth and bfing disappointment. What's done is done and you can't change it.

Lack of sleep is a major factor which will adjust your outlook. You then need to tackle the sleep and what you say is an unhappy baby. Chances are, the baby is exhausted but finds it difficult to settle (I had one just like that) and is simply over-tired.

You say you've tried all methods, have you ever thought about a sleep clinic? Apparently, they are brilliant.

I think once you fix the sleep, everything else will fall into place. It is very difficult to lose weight when you aren't sleeping. Sounds like your probably stressed too, and so busy with the baby that you are snacking a lot?

Finally, stop beating yourself up, honestly, you sound totally normal to me. My 2nd didn't go through the night til a year old.

Have a And some of these .

Nobody's experience of giving birth is the same. I had a fairly easy birth with DD not so great with DS. Can't say I enjoyed either of them! As for breast feeding same thing but other way round DD a difficult feeder and eventually went on to formula. She cried a lot. With DD she woke numerous times in the night. Friend's baby slept straight through 8 till 8. Was expecting the worst second time but DS fed really well. Didn't cry very much. So please stop blaming yourself. You are doing your best for your baby and that's the most anybody can do.