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father of 7 month old twins has left us

(87 Posts)
Daisy3700 Wed 12-Dec-12 20:13:41

My partner left the family home two months ago when our babies were 7 months old. We had been bickering for months due to his lack of empathy and his incredibly high standard with regards to housework even though I was heavily pregnant and suffering from pre eclampsia (we found out when I was admitted to hospital that I had gestational diabetes, a failing kidney, a seriously deranged liver, low platelet count and BP of 218/111 (upon giving birth)). When we got home from hospital he slept in a separate bedroom with earplugs and did the minimal to help care for the babies. We argued constantly about the housework and other ridiculous issues.

It all came to a head when he lost his temper with me and accused me of not liking his family. I conceded and agreed that I found them overbearing (they came to our house almost daily during some periods of my pregnancy to decorate the house even though I asked for time to myself).

Within a week of leaving he went flat hunting with his mother, bought replica baby equipment and told me it was all my fault. Since then he has insisted that I have a mental illness (I self referred and it has been confirmed that I am extremely stressed and not at all PND). He is now insisting on 50/50 custody of the children and we have put the house up for sale.

He has morphed into a father who left all the hard work to me, to being (with a lot of help from his willing family) to a father who is capable to the point that he is telling me how/what to feed them, how to deal with sleep patterns, how to bath them etc. I have two other children who have turned out completely balanced young men and are a credit to my parentlng skills and so I find this incredibly insulting.

However, he says that in an ideal world, if I were to change (this means learning how to cook, becoming fastidious about housework and not rising to any arguments) he might come back. He has said that if I can maintain a friendly relationship with him, keep the house very tidy, apologise to his family for any hurt I have caused he will consider coming home (this could be in 6 months or 2-3 years).

He swears at me daily. His usual name for me is f@cking pr@ck or tw@t. He slams the phone down on me and says he is busy at work. He won't pay child support because he is paying his part of the mortgage and a further £125 per month for some of the bills. However, he is paying half of the nursery fees (but has suggested that because I am on maternity leave the babies should not be in nursery on the two afternoons they are at present). This is the only respite I have.

I am picking up the rest but am currently on nil pay at the end of maternity leave so am using my credit card to get by. He says 'so what - it;s all your fault - too bad'. He earns over £250k in the City but keeps telling me that he has no money because I forced him to rent a flat down the road. At the same time, my business is about to go into receivership - another stress that he says I should 'just get on with because it is all my own fault'.

Yesterday he mooted the idea of where the babies should attend school. I was honest and told him that if we are not together I would probably move back to the coast and they would probably attend a school there. He said I was denying him contact with the children and he would take me to court. He wants 50/50 custody, and therefore does not want to pay any child support, but wants them over night 180 days per year.

I've done everything I can to appease him. I've cried and begged him to come home. He has told me that he will follow his dream and create a new family with someone else, and has had a couple of offers already.

Today I summonsed strength and gave him an ultimatum (via text because he will not take my calls) to either meet me half way, go to counselling and accept some of the blame for our relationship breakdown, and come home or let the legal system take its course.

Is there anyone else who has been in a similar situation? If so, what was the outcome please?

Thanks

Cantbelieveitsnotbutter Thu 13-Dec-12 06:21:10

So you learn to cook and clean to his standards, you've made your groveling apology to his family. 5 years down the line, the twins draw on the walls, fill the toilet with loo roll, mess the beds up and tip the toy box over, At the exact moment he walks through the door. As your clearing it up, the dinner burns.....

What then, he leaves and it's all your fault for not living upto your promises!?
Dust yourself down, speak to a solicitor (like others have said knowledge is power even if you do nothing with it).
Xxxxx

Daisy3700 Thu 13-Dec-12 08:43:57

Thank you all for your helpful advice. I've been told exactly the same thing by my friends. I guess I've just been a bit desperate for him to morph into a nice person and step up to his responsibilities.

I stopped crying about him over a week ago, and the house is a lot calmer without him here (and just as tidy!!). It's taken me two months to pull myself together to even start thinking about the future without him, and these comments have helped me tremendously.

I've been looking after the boys when he is supposed to have them so that he can go to football and have nights out with his friends. I agree because I love my babies and want them at home. I am being used in every sense of the word. I've never been this weak before.

I went to see a counsellor who suggested I might be suffering from battered wife syndrome. This situation has been going on way too long, and it's going to take guts to break the cycle, but he just might start of the babies next (he has already discussed expected levels of homework input and discipline and they are only tiny little things).

You don't want this bastard back. He has done you a massive favour in leaving. Sing, dance and laugh your way to a solicitor's office and get shot of him asap. Your babies will be fine, they have you.

Good to hear you sounding stronger.

All these incidences of him choosing not to have the kids so he can play football, write it all down in a diary. That togehter with his refusal to help during the early days, and his long hours, can really really not help his case for custody. But you need to arm yourself properly by keeping records, as far back as you can remember.

LessMissAbs Thu 13-Dec-12 11:35:12

You sound uncertain about ending the relationship, Why are you asking him to go for a drink with you and not making an appointment to see a solicitor? You don't sound as if you want the relationship to end.

Why did you have children with him? Was he different before you had children? How long have you been in a relationship with him?

Its all very toxic. I think you need to distance yourself and make all future contact formal and through a solicitor.

Am also confused about you being on maternity leave from your own business.

SarahWarahWoo Thu 13-Dec-12 12:03:03

Take him up on the offer of 50% custody and enjoy the time that you will get for yourself, take legal advice about finances, get everything in writing and stop giving his family any thought. Then when emotions are settled and life in on an even keel think about your future and if you want him in it.

KellyEllyChristmasBelly Thu 13-Dec-12 12:12:15

I left a man like this nearly a year and a half ago. Everything was my fault, he told me he was 'telling me about myself for my own good'. Swore at me, withheld affection - said he would not hug me/kiss me until he could see I was trying to change. All of it was supposedly for my own good. He belittled my PND and threatened to call SS and get custody if I left him as said my depression made me an unfit mother. He belittled my friends, my job, my family until I was a shell of myself.

I am still healing from this experience and will find it very hard to trust again. He still tries to control me now, but I am much stronger and stand up for myself. Get out of this now for your own sanity and more importantly for your child. He won't change. My ex has very narcissistic traits and it sounds like yours does too. You will never be good enough for him and he sees you as a reflection of him not a person in your own right so you will never win. The goal posts of how you should 'be' and 'behave' will be unattainable. You will set a terrible example to your child and possibly they will end up repeating this kind of relationship themselves. Go and see a solicitor today. You are in a fortunate position that he's a very high earner and you will be able to live life as a single parent without financial pressure. Honestly I could have written this post myself a year and a half ago and splitting up was the best choice for all of us - especially DD.

Paradisefound Thu 13-Dec-12 12:51:34

Get advice now, don't wait. Record any abusive calls, emails, keep a record of what he says. It's emotional and financial abuse. Best of luck!

Kiwiinkits Thu 13-Dec-12 22:11:50

He's a narcissist.

PrincessScrumpy Thu 13-Dec-12 22:53:27

I have twins and a cleaner! If your house was immaculate with 7mo twins if be worried about your mental health ;)

Take deep breaths and get legal advice - even if he says he wants youback, it should be on your terms... But them i'm a bitch of a wife - child birth and carrying twins has given me this right lol

TheSecondComing Thu 13-Dec-12 23:02:14

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

marriedandwreathedinholly Thu 13-Dec-12 23:04:40

What support do you have from your parents? Do you have any money of your own? If he's a City professional, get yourself plugged into good lawyers like Farrars or Wright Son & Pepper. Worth the fees to ensure your twins get the security they deserve later on.

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