to think my SIL should drop her baby round..(86 Posts)
My brother looked exhausted the last time I saw him, turns out he is up from 5.30 in the morning to look after the baby so SIL can get some rest as she is with her all day (Baby sleeps from 11 till about 5.30 when she wakes for a feed)..
I offered to take the baby for a day / night to give him a break.
The following day, SIL texts saying can I baby sit so she can go into town for something the following week. The time she needed to go into town coincided with a time I take my 2 year old to a playgroup. I said if she wants to drop the baby round (where she was going is 15 mins away from where I live) and I can take baby with toddler to play group.... she didnt want this, wanted me and my 2 year old to travel to her house, which is an hour away, sit indoors and watch the baby there.. What makes matters worse is their cramped flat is NOT toddler friendly at all and hard work on its own.....
Obviously she could have pnd.
YANBU. SIL seems really needy. No way would I expect dp/h to get up at 5.30 to give me a rest. If I slept 11 till 5.30 I would be in heaven. (have a 3 month old too)
You are very kind to help. She should work around you.
You know what OP, I posted upthread - YANBU
After your later posts - YANBU still.
I don't see how you're being a bitch tbh.
Oh and not every lazy person is depressed.
I'm lazy and I'm not depressed.
Fair enough oaks I wasn't trying to offend you by asking if you were jealous - it just sounded like you were really annoyed about a lot of things to do with your SIL and that was how it read to me.
The SIL is not 10 hours away from home.
Her extended family (cousins, aunts) are 10 hours away. Mum, dad and siblings are here. Mum stayed at the house for first 2 months, siblings each do a day a week there.
OP YANBU to not want to baby sit at theirs.
She is not 10 hours from home.
Her immediate family live nearby and seem to have a weekly rota of helping her out.
But she needs the OP to dance attendance too.
oaks, you really don't want to do this for your SIL, and you have good reasons... So just don't. I don't think YABU, but even if you are, it doesn't matter. If you don't want to do something thismuch, don't do it. It won't be good for anyone.
I dont mind being told Im being unreasonable - but all the other things arent really necessary are they?! There have been people that have said that I should cut her some slack, which I probably needed to hear.. But its hard to see at the moment. The people in here that have said all the other things are just behaving exactly the way they are accusing me of behaving!!!
Ive learnt my lesson about posting in here tho!!
Why on earth did you post here if you didn't want to be told you're being unreasonable? You sound like you've got a lot on your plate, and I hope you are okay, but you seem to be really against yourSIL when she has a brand new baby, is 10 hours away from home and her MIL doesn't like her.
Im not a pushy person, I will quietly make a suggestion, and if its not listened to - I just leave whoever it is Im talking to to do it their way. I just feel in this instance Im being bullied and guilt tripped into things.
Adversecalendar - The point is that she TELLS me she cant get out of the flat with out my DB, but in fact, she has been out, I feel its an excuse for me to go to her. I said maybe she could thinking about getting a smaller, easier to manage pram (she says the pram is too bulky for her to get out of the flat) however, she replied "this is the royals royce of buggys, im not getting a different one".
And you know what I find hard as well..
I feel she has been unreasonable and expects people to be running round after her since having the baby - however, Ive been holding this in, and defending her & saying shes got to get over all the crazy pregnancy hormones (to my mum who doesnt think highly of her). I come on here to "release" a little bit to people that dont know me or her - and I get a load of shit from, what seem to be some very judgy people, saying I am being judgy!! Talk about the pot calling the kettle black.
(and thank you to all the reasonable people, not just the ones who have agreed with me, but the ones who have been balanced and said their opinion with out telling me I am jealous, I think she has had it easier than me, that I am a bitch, and that I am judgy!)
I think she has PND as well, I did and certainly not wanting to go anywhere without your dbro sounds worrying. You did come across as smug with your I loved changing nappies but if women are quite ill with PND they can end up not wanting to bathe, do nappies etc. they can also end up with other extreme behaviour which is what I had which was I didn't feel as if I could put my DS down.
I also don't think getting up at 5.30 is normal to get ready for work, for some yes, not me thank God.
CoolaYuleA Okay, so she looks fine, my brother looks exhausted. Looks ill actually, Ive never seen him look like this. Bulging, red, puffy eyes, skin looks sunken. Maybe there is something else wrong with him? I think its lovely men pull their weight, I was just alarmed with how he looked. I hadnt visited them when he was there as she always has wanted me there in the day, so hadnt seen him for weeks. It came as a shock to see him like that - so maybe I didnt emphasize that enough. I dont see how thinking my brother looks tired makes me judgey?!!
poster fosterdream I didnt say my brother does everything, and she does nothing. He does a lot, which I dont think is a bad thing, but I have never seen him looking so run down and unwell. He doesnt resent it at all, he adores the child.
poster RubyrooUK I m not at all jealous, I havent spent any time without my DS (except two times in hospital, cancer treatment & surgery).. But that is MY choice. Ive mentioned she has had a lot of time without the baby because people keep saying she is a new mum so doesnt want the baby left with me at a playgroup/strange place. Thats the reason its mentioned. I dont feel she has had an easier ride at all. To be honest, my DS was an unbelievably good baby, and I enjoyed pretty much everything (I found the starting to get mobile bit hard, and a 2 year old is definitely very challenging in comparison).
I dont feel she has it easier, or I had it easier. We just had different experiences. If anyone feels someone had it easier, its the other way round (for example, I have been told it was easier for me as it was easy for me to produce milk.. I wont continue with other things sais as I am SURE I will be accused of bitching again!!!)
flow4 Her extended family (cousins, aunts) are 10 hours away. Mum, dad and siblings are here. Mum stayed at the house for first 2 months, siblings each do a day a week there. I am told about how great siblings are everytime I visit, and how many times they have been since I last visited. I dont visit once a week, I do find it hard work. Invite to come here is open though, as much as she wants.
Also, I suggested taking baby and her out. Says they will see parks and animals and outside when they go on holiday. Its too cold here for a baby..
aamia - FOR GODS SAKE, dont mention that you take your baby out!! They will jump on you for comparing.. ;) Well done by the way, you really sound like you are getting along with it. I was the same about getting out and showing the baby things.. Certanly wouldnt fancy the horse riding tho :S Since having a baby anything even moderately adventurous is well OFF my list!!!
to be fair I was a wimp before as well
Oh and to add - this is my first child, I have no family support (they live abroad).
Does sound like she might have pnd.
For comparison, I have a 3 month old (just) and we've been going out daily since he was 3 days old. At first that was just for a ten minute walk, but I started riding my horses again at 2 weeks, and he's been out shopping etc from very early on.
From 2 months old he was dropped at my friend's house for an afternoon a week (so I could ride and so he could get used to her as she'll have him when I go back to work). She often takes him into town as he gets bored indoors. I'm part way through my xmas shopping - he goes in his sling, I shop. It's a little more awkward than not having him, but we manage!
I'm bfing so do all the night feeds (DS sleeps for one 4 hour stretch but then feeds every 2 hours). DH gets up at 5.30am for work anyway and I try to encourage him to do a nappy change at that point but he often forgets.
Yes it's tiring, and there are days when we do nothing at all because he's having a growth spurt and feeds every hour, but those are rare and he loves to be out and about, seeing new things.
If this is her first child, it sounds as though she is worried she won't cope, taking the baby out on her own.
Maybe she is finding it a bit difficult and overwhelming?
It's hard work and especially when it's your first, you get worried about things.
Op, it sounds like you do not like her. Period. And this dislike is stopping you from going out of your way. Absolutely agree that she is being unreasonable asking you to take yourself and toddler over to her place, but if it was my sis, sil or close friend with a three month old asking me to do this as she doesn't like going out on her own.... I would be there like a whippet. Not like this is a regular occurrence, so what is the big deal about making an exception and skipping playground.
And please stop comparing her to you... I.e. I liked to change nappies, she doesn't. I liked to take my baby out for walks, she doesn't. It is horrid.
I'm not sure how vulnerable she is if she's capable of making such unreasonable demands of people.
I found getting out with a baby very hard work too, and I've every sympathy with that feeling of being overwhelmed, but what she's asking of the OP is really unfair.
Good grief, the judginess on this thread!!!!!
OP, you are not being remotely unreasonable! You offered to look after the baby, but doing so at her flat doesn't work, so say so!
The offer of help is there, but it has to be in a way that's feasible for you.
OP, you are doing her a favour, I say it's her choice, take it or leave it.
I take your point SRIYL, but sometimes if a friend or relative is especially vulnerable - and it sounds like this woman is - then if you really want to help, it's kinder and more useful to offer support on their terms rather than yours.
If the OP didn't have a toddler, I'd be saying, "Oh go onnnn, go to her flat if that's what she wants". But she does have a toddler, and so she/they also have needs to take into account, and the OP says going to the flat isn't practical...
So it is a tricky situation (IMO) and no-one is BU or 'in the wrong'... I don't think the OP is being unreasonable. I think what she has suggested sounds like a good plan, personally. But maybe it seems overwhelming to her SIL.
I can remember feeling totally overwhelmed by trips out with a baby, so I feel sympathy for SIL, and if I were the OP, I'd be looking for some other way I could arrange things, so that I could help. Perhaps collecting the baby and going to a soft play place near their flat...? Or having her another time, when DB/baby's DF could bring her to yours...? Or taking her out somewhere with the baby...?
So, she's far away from her family and feeling a bit stressed. She doesn't enjoy nappies and you do . Your DB is tired with a new baby and is expected to do some housework. Honestly, I am not exaggerating, I would hate to be in her position and wouldn't think a lot of your attitude if you were my SIL. My SIL, thank fuck, tells me all her shit mother stories about how crap she was to make me feel better, has never judged me and helps tonnes.
BTW I would have killed puppies to get 11pm-5am at that age (and a year later).
Offering to take the baby is support.
But that (very generous) offer has been turned into an unreasonable demand that the OP must sit in her brother's flat for hours with a toddler and a baby.
oaks2012 - just make it clear that your offer still stands but that you won't be sitting in their flat with your toddler.
She can accept the help you're offering, or reject it. That's up to her.
If she didn't go out much before, then I agree PND is less likely, but still maybe depression and/or agoraphobia.
If the only place she has been alone with the baby is the shopping centre, and the only other place she is planning to go is an airport, then she is clearly very stressed and/or fearful indeed, poor thing.
If she has booked a ten hour flight to see her family, then they are obviously a very long way away. Is this the first time she's seen them since the baby was born? She may be feeling very lonely and isolated without her own mum/dad/family around to help and support her, and to share those special (but difficult) first weeks with a new baby.
I'm starting to feel rather sorry for your SIL.
You are not unreasonable to explain why her flat is difficult (or even impossible) with your toddler. But it really sounds like she needs your support oaks, not your judgement.
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