to think my SIL should drop her baby round..

(86 Posts)
oaks2012 Fri 07-Dec-12 21:12:04

My brother looked exhausted the last time I saw him, turns out he is up from 5.30 in the morning to look after the baby so SIL can get some rest as she is with her all day (Baby sleeps from 11 till about 5.30 when she wakes for a feed)..

I offered to take the baby for a day / night to give him a break.

The following day, SIL texts saying can I baby sit so she can go into town for something the following week. The time she needed to go into town coincided with a time I take my 2 year old to a playgroup. I said if she wants to drop the baby round (where she was going is 15 mins away from where I live) and I can take baby with toddler to play group.... she didnt want this, wanted me and my 2 year old to travel to her house, which is an hour away, sit indoors and watch the baby there.. What makes matters worse is their cramped flat is NOT toddler friendly at all and hard work on its own.....

I see where you're coming from, but I would just butt out and leave them to it. It's up to you DBro to sort it out with his wife, maybe he wants to do all this, maybe he enjoys providing for them in this way.

You offered to babysit but DSIL wanted you to come to her house, that wasn't convenient, so no babysitting. That seems fine to me. I'd continue to offer but just say that you're usually out and about with your toddler but happy to have the baby at your house if they'd like you to.

I wouldn't worry further about it. FWIW DD and I didn't really go out much when she was little as we struggled to BF so I was quite anxious about that. Plus I don't really like small talk so baby groups were pretty stressful too.

ifyouknowme Fri 07-Dec-12 21:44:41

Eh, I can see where you are coming from- she needs to start doing it herself but 3 months is still so new.

oaks2012 Fri 07-Dec-12 21:44:59

If you look at what I posted, I offered to take the baby to give my brother a rest. I did not offer to babysit in their flat! I would never offer to be in their flat with a 2 year old.

TheSecondComing Fri 07-Dec-12 21:46:27

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wigglesrock Fri 07-Dec-12 21:48:09

God, you sound awful judgey, - you think she's lazy, you loved changing nappies, she doesn't do dishes, she doesn't take the baby out enough.

So your brother gets up at 5.30am, goes to work, picks up a few bits and pieces on the way home, cooks dinner and then does the dishes. Sounds like he's doing alright. Surely your 2 year old can cope for a few hours in someone elses cramped flat?

whois Fri 07-Dec-12 21:48:56

YANBU

If he wants babysitting she can bring him to you.

Also: Most normal people get up between 5.30 and 6 anywa!
No they fucking well do not! The only people who get up at that time are shift workers, traders/brokers with a commute or people who are mental.

Aspiemum2 Fri 07-Dec-12 21:54:33

I think you're being a bit mean. You offered, they didn't ask. If you already know that she finds it stressful to leave the house with the baby then you should maybe have expected her to want you to babysit there.

It's not much of a break if she has to cart the baby and all the stuff over on public transport if she finds that overwhelming.

She is probably finding it all a bit much still. If your db had some paternity leave and she then had quite a bit of help then she's probably not found 'her groove' yet so is still finding things daunting.

Be kind to her, she's a new mum and you do come across as quite critical of her.

TakeMyEyesButNotTheGoat Fri 07-Dec-12 21:55:26

YANBU.

A lot of people get up at 5.30am for work, I do, DP does and so do all my colleagues.

If she was uneasy about leaving the baby, she wouldn't be 'going to town' without him/her. As OP has said, she has left the baby before.

As for your DB, there is being supportive and a good father and husbands but this is bordering on dormat.

She sounds lazy, wants everyone to run around and do everything for her 'because she has had a baby'.

They both need to man up so to speak.

INeedThatForkOff Fri 07-Dec-12 22:00:43

YANBU about the babysitting, but the rest is none if your business. You're using it as an opportunity to bitch.

Fairylea Fri 07-Dec-12 22:02:10

Sorry I stopped reading when I got to the part moaning about getting up at 5.30 everyday.... I get up with 6 month old ds every fucking day at 4.30am.

Yanbu. Sil is being unreasonable. Very.

oaks2012 Fri 07-Dec-12 22:04:20

Im not using it as an opportunity to bitch maybe I am a little bit these things have been coming up because of peoples suggestions..

notmyproblem Fri 07-Dec-12 22:19:12

OP, it's all about you, isn't it? And your dear bro. Certainly your SIL is just the vessel that carried and bore your DN, what she thinks and feels doesn't matter. hmm

Let me guess, you never really liked her, she's not good enough for your brother, she doesn't fit in with your family?

Here's any idea: mind your own business. It's their family, not yours. Their baby, not yours. Their lives, not yours.

flow4 Fri 07-Dec-12 22:28:39

If the baby is "lovely, a really calm happy child" then whatever your SIL is doing is right for her DC! smile

I think it's just a question of deciding whether or not you want to help her and your FB. If you don't want to, don't. If you do, why not talk to her and see if you cam compromise... smile

oaks2012 Fri 07-Dec-12 22:28:42

Not really, I actually quite like her. Think recent behavior hasnt been great, but its been me saying that pregnancy can mess up your head for a while and to give her a break.

However, that my brother is willing to run around after, doesnt mean I should be.

Its not all about me, its all about my son actually. Im not dropping everything to accomodate someone that wants evertything their way because they have a new baby. I have been through the whole new born thing, plus baby and toddler thing over the last 2 years, and (through my own choice) did not ask anyone to come and sit in my house while I went out without my child.. On top of that, I was diagnosed with cancer a year ago, so I know all about being tired, on top of the normal tiredness of looking after a child.

So anyway "notmyproblem" I shall go with your idea of not my baby, not my life, and let them get on with it. You are truly inspirational!

oaks2012 Fri 07-Dec-12 22:30:17

flow4, I did want to compromise, said I would meet her at the place she was going, then drop the baby back for her to take home. She didnt want that.

honeytea Fri 07-Dec-12 22:31:56

YANBU

I would just retract the offer of babysitting, SIL is being unreasonable refusing to leave the house without your DB, that can't really continue can it?

If most people get up at 5.30 what are the tv companies thinking putting popular things on after 10? Are we not supposed ot aim for at least 7 hours sleep?

honeytea Fri 07-Dec-12 22:33:50

If it was all about you oaks you would stay in and have a nice long bubble bath not offer to look after a aditional child, I think you are very kind to try and help them out.

TakeMyEyesButNotTheGoat Fri 07-Dec-12 22:35:11

Honeytea excellent point re TV.

There are only so many episodes of Friends I can watch....

flow4 Fri 07-Dec-12 22:38:24

A compromise is something both people can agree on, oaks. smile If she doesn't want that, it won't work. Can you try something else? Or explain to her why coming to her place won't work for your toddler?

TheDetective Fri 07-Dec-12 22:38:39

What notmyproblem said.

Getting out with a baby is a mammoth task sometimes. It is easier for her if she can go out and get what she needs to do done, without carting the baby out too. I get where she is coming from.

And she doesn't sound lazy from what you describe. 3 month old baby, sleep deprivation...? Give her a break.

My DP will be doing what your brother does, AND more. Because he has to as part of this family. We all pull our weight. Going out to work, getting food shopping and cooking tea does not equate to pulling his share tbh.

Lafaminute Fri 07-Dec-12 22:43:25

When my first baby was 6 weeks old I had to go to the nearest town (an hour and a halfs drive away) to collect some well meaning friends from the train (so they could come and see the baby) I can still - 10 years on - remember the terror of being solely responsible for a small baby miles from home but you know, in hindsight, it was the best thing for me. It has to happen at some stage but on the other hand you can't force someone who isn't ready. I don't think yabu but I do think it would be better for you to let go a bit: let her know you'd be thrilled - and well able - to mind her baby but in your home - when she's ready she'll give it a go. Until then, don't take her reluctance to venture out personally.

forevergreek Fri 07-Dec-12 22:43:33

Just reinstate your offer is there if they want baby to join you and you little one out but not trapped inside. I don't even stay in our own flat all morning let alone someone else's

5.30-6 is a v common wake time around here ( London), I live v close to work but start work at 7.30am ( finish 7pm), so I get up 6.30am, but many others have a long commute so would easily be up at half 5

JessePinkman Fri 07-Dec-12 22:44:17

If you had a childminder that you paid to look after your dc you would drop them off there.

If somebody offers you free childcare to give you a break, I think it would be fair for you to drop them off too.

If she wants the rest enough she would drop him off.

YANBU

TheUKGrinchImGluhweinkeller Fri 07-Dec-12 22:48:51

YANBU - getting out with one baby is not in fact in any shape or form a mammoth task at all and you are offering to help, and are not a paid babysitter or nanny to her baby so she should work around you a bit if she wants your help but it can seem psychologically, to be a mammoth task to get a baby out of the house, to somebody who has not got their head around it yet... so probably she is NBU either - she is being sleep deprived and probably struggling and a bit overwhelmed ...

My toddler still doesn't sleep so I can sympathise hugely with what sleep deprivation does, and how it explains mild to moderate undreasonable (and unseasonable) ness... though actually 11pm til 5am is an absolutely reasonable night's sleep for a parent of any child under 2 IMO... but it's what you're used to and all that... it has always baffled me how some mums of one baby find it so hard to get out of the door - really, pack the changing bag the night before...

Or does she want you at hers before she leaves to watch the baby while she showers? Some babies are un-putdownable unless you like listening to hysterical tiny baby screaming, if that is the case she should explain it to you, and toddler-proof her flat (or get your DB to) to make babysitting at hers more realistic!

oaks2012 Fri 07-Dec-12 22:48:53

BTW flow4: you said: "If the baby is "lovely, a really calm happy child" then whatever your SIL is doing is right for her DC!

Does that mean anyone that has a child that doesnt sleep 6/7 hours through the night and cries a lot is a bad mother?! smile

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