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AIBU?

To think i shouldn't have told 4yo dd how babies are made?

16 replies

DowntonNappy · 05/12/2012 13:45

I'm a single parent.

I've always tried to be honest with my dd (except about Santa! ), in an age-approprate manner. She's five in a matter of weeks.

She knows babies come out of vaginas (sometimes stomachs) and not via a magical key that unlocks your belly button (like my mum told me and i believed until i was 12!)

And she also knows that you need a man and a lady to conceive a baby (but she also knows about adoption and that same sex people can have babies).

But now she's decided she wants me to have another baby, and is on the man hunt!

It might sound daft, but it's really putting me on edge. We were at my mum's for tea the other week and she asked my DAD if he'd help me have a baby!!

I was mortified and my dad looked utterly revolted. I tried to laugh it off and i explained to her you're not allowed to have babies with your family.

Every time we're out, she'll stop random men and ask them to have a baby with me. She asked a dad at school this morning - and that was the last straw. I am so embarrassed.

DD has ASD, high functioning, and I've repeatedly asked her to stop this. I've told her I don't want another baby, and that she might get to be a big sister one day when she's older, or have her own babies.

But she still kept on.

So then i decided to ignore it, thinking this would help - she's only doing it to annoy me. But it didn't help at all.

Then i started getting stern, removing toys each time, but this didn't work. She just got so upset and confused about why i was telling her off.

I asked my mum for advice this afternoon and she said it's my own fault. I shouldn't have told her 'too much too soon'.

But surely lots of other 4/5yos are aware a woman can't make a baby on her own?

OP posts:

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cheekybaubles · 05/12/2012 13:48

Did you explain the bit to her about meeting the right man and being in love with them before having a baby together? Maybe that is why she thinks you can have a baby with anyone?
My DD asked me when she was about 3, I just told her age appropriate info but did mention the love bit first.

DowntonNappy · 05/12/2012 13:55

Yes. But that part didn't seem to sink in. I've sort of stressed on the idea that it's better to get married or to have known the person for a long time (like me and her daddy did), but she's just not bothering.

I think this is because of the Princess Disney films she's been obsessed with watching recently, whereby the prince only has to lock eyes with the princess before they're married. This might be where the idea has come from. But i don't want to confiscate all her disney posters and toys.

I'm dreading the school pick up today in case i see that dad again.

I'm really hoping it will get old very soon, but it's being going on weeks.

OP posts:

TeaAndTinselMakeChristmasShine · 05/12/2012 13:56

awwww. Op. Add the information about being in love and spending time together first, add that you have to find them yourself based on having something in common, so she has that piece of information.

Don't be embarrassed.

My DS, when we had our youngest, spent a lot of time asking my NCT friends and some people in coffee shops whether they had their babies from their vaginas. He was eight. It is important to give factual information when asked.

Find yourself a suitable follow-on for those she asks, use a bit of humour and she'll move on soon.

HairyGrotter · 05/12/2012 13:58

Oh dear

DD often says 'Is that your boyfriend, mummy?' whenever a man happens to walk near me, she's 4 and I've answered her questions honestly, although I've yet to have the question about conception.

I feel your embarrassment a little, not sure what to advise, seems like it's one for the 'just a phase' book

cheekybaubles · 05/12/2012 13:59

I don't understand why people don't think it's really sweet? Anyway you never know, she might ask a gorgeous, single, eligible man soon?
At that age they don't understand too much about love relationships which is why they always want to marry their dad/grandad/mom/anyone they really love.

pigletmania · 05/12/2012 13:59

I don't know, but it does seem she knows an awfully too much at such young age, considering she has ASD would find it more difficult to understand abut relationships than nt children. My dd is 5, 6 in March and not on tb same level as your dd. she has a baby brother, all I've told her I that baby comes out o mummies tummy, too much and she would not understand

pigletmania · 05/12/2012 14:01

My dd has ASD but not on the same level as your dd I meant

CailinDana · 05/12/2012 14:04

Of course you're not wrong to tell her the basics of a normal everyday thing like having a baby - there's nothing wrong with it and no reason to keep it a secret. I think wrt the wanting a baby thing - could you explain that you take tablets to stop you having a baby so that's not going to happen for the time being? So there's no point in finding a man for you? It sounds like simple logic might work better than deeper stuff about relationships etc.

DowntonNappy · 05/12/2012 14:09

Thanks for the advice, everyone.

I like the idea of having a lit 'bit' prepared next time she says it, to turn it into a funny/typical kid thing. But I've tried laughing it off before and some people just looked shocked and ran a mile.

I'll try the tablet thing too, but knowing her she'll just say 'why can't you stop taking them then?'. She's a right madam.

OP posts:

TeaBrick · 05/12/2012 14:10

I don't exactly think there's anything wrong with telling a child how a baby is made, but my mum told me exactly how babies were made when I was about 5, and also got me a children's book which showed a drawing of an erect penis and a picture of a man and a woman having sex (!), but never mentioned anything about relationships, or respect or saying no etc, and looking back I really don't think this was a good idea. I have decided to go the opposite way with ds, and give him lots of info about the emotional side, but as little as possible about the physical details, until he is much, much older.

GreatUncleEddie · 05/12/2012 14:14

I don't think you gave her too much info. The issue here is that she is embarrassing you, which she needs to stop doing, whether she understands why it embarrasses you or not. Can you tell her - stop asking men about having babies with me because it makes me feel uncomfortable and makes them feel bad too. If you do it again I will ?

NolittleBuddahsorTigerMomshere · 05/12/2012 14:17

Hi, Downton, I have a friend who sounds very much like your DD (though an adult) He is an IT whizz kid and doing a PHD, we have been all through Uni together and now work, though in different departments. Despite his talents he really struggles with social boundaries and is probably at a similar level socially to a 10 yo. When we first met I was helping him to intergrate more socially, and he said similarly embarrassing, logical but blunt and inappropriate things relating to relationships. I made a point of repeating the same thing each time this occurred:

"It is not a good idea to talk about these things to strangers, it makes them feel uncomfortable and sad."

Repetition works best with him because of his tallents, and I would follow this by turning away and talking to someone else for a few minutes and not allow him to touch my arm during this time. {He takes comfort from minimal skin contact with those he trusts, new situations} After a while it clicked, but I think it helped when he became fixated on different (thankfully more socially accepted topic) later on.

HTH

PS I think you DM is BU, you know what info DD is ready for. Sorry, but I did smile at the image of her asking random men in the street

LadyInDisguise · 05/12/2012 14:22

My 2 dcs did know at that age how babies were made.
But one thing I have always said is that the man and the woman love each other and decided to make a baby together.

You could try and insist on that side of things so she gets the idea that no 'random' man will do (Perhaps also explain that she was very much wanted by you and her dad if that was the case?)

ethelb · 05/12/2012 14:25

"We were at my mum's for tea the other week and she asked my DAD if he'd help me have a baby!!"

That's quite funny and I'm sure I have heard that at that age suggesting family members marry is just a sure sign that they are aware of the love shown between relatives and is very, very normal!

SleighbellsRingInYourLife · 05/12/2012 14:38

Your DD sounds absolutely adorable :)

Exasperating too, I'm sure (she is 4 after all), but to an outsider her remarks are not disgusting or embarrassing, they're funny and innocent and very sweet.

Yes, she needs to learn not to embarrass you, but that'll come if you just keep repeating that she must not ask strangers to have babies with you, and why.

Don't worry about the Dad at the school. He has his own kids to make a show of him, so he won't be judging you.

Tailtwister · 05/12/2012 16:01

I was quite honest with DS1 (4) when he asked how babies were made. I used the correct terminology (as in the sperm and egg and how they come together to make a baby, not the actual physical act), but explained as simply as I could. I also explained it in the context of 2 people meeting and falling in love etc.

People will understand when she brings it up. It wouldn't cause me to think anything apart from having a bit of a smile about it when the child couldn't see. She's displaying a natural, childlike curiosity and I'm sure it will pass. I can understand why you're embarrassed though.

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