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Knock next door and ask if car parked outside my house was someone visiting them?

(64 Posts)
seaofyou Tue 04-Dec-12 11:43:50

Or will they think I am crazy asking that LOL!

Long story...but I have CCTV now due to numerous attacks on home.

I just opened curtains and car there could make out a man/dark hair and 5 seconds after I opened curtains car started. I ran to front door and saw it go fast down road make/model and year.

Wanted to ask neighbour. Don't know them they are newish and don't know my problems here. Don't want to share it either.

Neighbour has lots of visitors who park there but I clocked then all to know who they belong too and don't mind as looks like I have visitors!

But I have not seen this car before and man sat in car made sharp ish drive off when I opened my curtains.

CCTV not got view of that side of front as on slant to pick up front door. My ex has parked in that spot before (different car).

Shall I ask neighbour? Want to be told it is their visitor!

Sunnywithachanceofshowers Tue 11-Dec-12 23:24:37

How are you lovely?

IneedAsockamnesty Mon 10-Dec-12 15:35:59

I believe they will look at previous evidence to show a patten of stalking but I wouldn't stake my life on it

seaofyou Fri 07-Dec-12 09:29:38

Oh WOW thank you Stock...where have I been? I am like the woman who wont have TV on as need to listen for noises. Was it 26th November it was passed? Wow fab! Can I go to police with the CCTV from last year of the car or will it only count from 26th November this year? Sorry stock anyone can answer that question not bombarding you honest...just knowledge is power back I guess?

I made mistake of not having phone by head as when I had to get out of bed to get phone on dressing table the one time he was gone as heard bed/me moving as I slept with bedroom door open so I could hear him...but he could hear me too!

I sleep ok once asleep now...before CCTV I never sleep...but as ex usually struck between 12-2am I sleep around then when I think safe too these days. But when this happens like other day my sleep goes haywire.

I have to go out (hate going out but hate coming home ahh) but I will respond to you later Rylecup thank you!

deedge PM me too it is good to hear from others as it helps me digest my own crazy life these last few years. Thank you for sharing with me too

RyleDup Fri 07-Dec-12 01:34:13

Sea, I have got your message. I want to answer it properly though, so will do it tomorrow after kids are shuffled off to school. In the meantime I will find out about panic buttons for you in your area.
Check doors and windows locked, (i know you have already) phone next to your head, your letterbox is already sealed so he can't get in there or put anything through it. Try to sleep, even if you have to have the light on.

IneedAsockamnesty Fri 07-Dec-12 01:31:37
seaofyou Fri 07-Dec-12 01:15:53

sock I am scared he'll cut the brakes then as car out of view of CCTV and on road.

deedge, my mum said their was new laws this morning when I told her what was happening. I went to police last or summer before? I said this was stalking and they said it wasn't he is allowed to sit in his car opposite the house/rpound the corner...other officer said he could stand in my front garden and stare in my living room too!
Do you know where I can read up on these laws? Funny how the officer never said on the phone? No I have not got panic button...never offered it...wasnt offered nothing tbh! The police didn't take it serious!

deedge Fri 07-Dec-12 01:04:08

just came online an read ur story, i went through similar with my ex yrs ago, but new laws passed now an u dont have 2 prove it was him he has 2 prove it wasnt, keep phonin an houndin ur police, cctv isnt enough, u never said if u had a panic button in house, but make sure u get everythin to make urself an ur son safe, tell police this is wot u want an tell them 2 look up the new stalkin laws, xx

IneedAsockamnesty Fri 07-Dec-12 01:02:53

If you have a car, park it on the space that he uses when he's spying that way he has to park in view of camera.

Security lights are a good move.

seaofyou Fri 07-Dec-12 00:59:05

Thank you so much Ryle I have PM'd you

RyleDup Fri 07-Dec-12 00:42:45

Look my friend, we will work this out. Pm me where you are, you might be close, by, but if not I'll think of something. We need to ditch the public forum, I will help you. Stay vigilant.

seaofyou Thu 06-Dec-12 23:42:18

{{{{Ryle}}}}
That car hasn't been back and that makes me even more thinking it is him same behaviour as last year when sped off when I opened the curtains...shame police wont look at the CCTV I saved last year as you can clearly see it is him looking straight at you on the clip (he is checking to see if the camera is dummy) what is frightening is I know his mind and behaviours better than he does! Funny how we both come to the psychosis evaluation too! And them thinking we are Satan eek!
When ex write Satanic stuff that is when I panic as that was a sign he was about to attack before writing Alister Crowley headings etc and weird stuff that truly did scare me as thought what can he achieve from afar...his latest creation...he sounds like Satan's demonic voice himself and totally scary to the core to listen to his voice getting evil and evil. I know he wants to attack big time but CCTV is keeping him at bay...but for how much longer ? as I can sense the build up of revenge/anger/hatred from what he wrote and from the other day being outside...waiting till I saw him then taking off fast.
Police thought I was making it up at first but it has been going on so many years now they know it isn't a game I am playing to get at ex! The first attack happened when I was in hospital having ds screwdriver dent where door was forced...I thought it was kids (so never reported it)...ex used the same spot at 4 am on winter morning to try and force door again years later...he would not have known that dent was there...he went for the same spot as before in hope I would not notice the door being damaged again! He had a screwdriver as he took front of letterbox off...what he didnt know was arson team metal drilled to the door frame on inside luckily...he would have put petrol through those two nights alone otherwise I know for sure! Other things make me shiver too like the day I came home with ds from hospital (ex didnt know when I was having ds as 12 days late) and as soon as I stepped in the house the phone rang it was him...my mum slammed the phone down on him. How did he know I was just stepping in house when he is living in Europe? I know he was an experienced Hacker and worked for government IT systems at one stage...I wonder how he knew which nights to attack? I would be awake for 12 nights on a row with 2 hours sleep in the day and after 12 nights of no sleep he attacked on 13 th night...how did he know I was asleep that night? It's possibly coincidence...but going through this makes you over analysis things...as this form of gas-lighting is truly horrific...I feel I am in the RL film The Shining on times! That is the only way I can describe it!
I would need to take CCTV down to catch him, but I am terrified of the consequences if I didn't call police in time or I was asleep!
If you can think of a plan for me I am all ears because years of this I am sick of it and what if I moved and he found me again as only max 15 other families with my surname in whole city!
Thank you for responding because in a sad and stupid way I am relieved I know now of someone else who has been though this...which helps esp 10 yrs on from my experience.
I have come to conclusion ex is a Narcissistic Psychopath!
Any good self help books or website Ryle you can point me I would be grateful...I know LoveFraud, Robert Hare book 'Without conscience' Sam Vankin - 'Malignant Self Love' website and book.

RyleDup Thu 06-Dec-12 22:17:32

You're welcome seaofyou. Its frightening how many similarities they have. He sounds almost exactly the same. I hope you are ok. Stay vigilant and trust your instincts. It would be nice if the police got something on him and locked him up for a very long time, giving you and ds a bit of peace. Feel free to pm whenever you want, I'll probably do a name change soon, but I'll let you know what name I have changed to so you'll know its me on any future posts.
Stay safe.

seaofyou Thu 06-Dec-12 02:10:56

Ryle thank you so much much for your advice...as no one knows better than a person who has been in the shoes...and you have had several pairs of experience sadly.

Ghosh you too had it really bad too! They sound like 2 peas in a pod tbh! Crikey! Someone else as crazy as the ex and the fire threats of arson too! Yes I had ex go to school with SIS and his DM, report me to benefits for fraud and Social Services for child abuse of ds the week of ds 4th birthday. When ex reported me again to SS the following birthday they kinda realized this was the average vendetta's they see!

Yes the love turn to hate is very common but no ex just wants us void so ex can return to UK I guess plus the guilt/anger/hate of being like this to his disabled ds. He said it was him or the baby. I choose latter naturally. Has hated me with a vengeance ever since!
He also makes Satan references to DS, last birthday ex wrote an artistic piece on DS birthday and called it Satan's seventh son.....there was many more about veils, knocking through Ptah's door ( kicked my door often Ptah is Satan etc).
There is schizophrenia and psychotic depression in first family rels to ex ....one committed suicide very violently 2 yrs before I met ex and it was never discussed.

I was worried about my car and used to test brakes...I made sure CCTV covered my car on driveway.

Thank you Ryle as I don't want to cause you distress and grateful of you helping me. You are right moving will be better than any counselling!

Oh the CCTV works better at night in dark as INfared lights...I need the lights out side for me answering the front door as scared but lights or no lights these days I don't answer the door. The PIR light was good as came on/off when people passed so easier to check CCTV for light going on/off on fast mode as can take hours to check CCTV otherwise.

LineRunnerWithBellsOn Wed 05-Dec-12 20:45:24

Get a bright outside light as well. And leave it on at night.

CCTV is not much use without enough light.

RyleDup Wed 05-Dec-12 20:34:21

No, he  never actually  hit me, its more subtle than that. The underlying threat of violence. His sexual preferences were unusual, violent, yet he presented them as normal. I knew it wasn't, but I was actually terrified he would cause real harm to me if I refused him.

  He stalked me, everywhere I turned, he was there. He stalked my family, threatened them with violence, moved himself into my parents house for a while, he tried to get me into trouble with the police and the benefits agency for things I had not done. Fire was his best friend and he was not afraid to threaten people with it or use it, he did not care what harm he caused.

He was controlling, manipulative and clever. He managed to get one friend on side, and used the information she gave him to cause more harm. Similar to your sis, although said friend is now horrified that she allowed herself to be manipulated, to my detriment.

I can't say much more in case I out myself. His reasons were different to yours. He adored me, was completely obsessed, when I tried to leave he took the attitude that no one could have me. And that obsession turned to hatred. 

He tinkered with my car, did something to it to try and cause me to have an accident. It may have worked, except someone saw him messing around with the car and warned me. His hatred ran so so deeply, that I think it would be impossible for him to let go of it in his life time. He was convinced I was a force of evil, in retrospect I think he experienced some sort of psychosis.

I have no doubt that he would try to kill me if he ever saw me again. 

Having said all that, it does get easier. I only dream about him a couple of times a year now, and being vigilant isn't that hard, and doesn't take up too much head space these days.

Things will get better. Stay vigilant. And I reckon moving house would do so much more for you in a short space of time, than years of counselling!!

NolittleBuddahsorTigerMomshere Wed 05-Dec-12 14:36:36

It didn't seem as though you did want to frighten them, and I never thought that, I just wanted to explain why I thought it would be unreasonable to ask, but not for you to be worried by the car. I can't imagine what it's been like for you makes me sad for you to think what that person [uses term loosely] must have put you through.

seaofyou Wed 05-Dec-12 14:25:18

Me too Nolittle and poor couple next door young with 2 small kids would never want to frighten them, but as fanjo and hiss says moving is only way but the fear still haunts {{{{Ryle}}}}

NolittleBuddahsorTigerMomshere Wed 05-Dec-12 14:21:59

Hope things get better soon OP smile

seaofyou Wed 05-Dec-12 14:18:13

Ryle it is not letting me PM you so written here but might delete it as I get worried

I see Ryle why even being 30 miles away it is so hard. Still living looking over your shoulder for him! That is hard...at least I know I have to as he knows where I am.

My sis actually helped ex in early days feeding him info and going to school with him and ex then reporting me to SS to try and get DS put in care. If she knew from my DM or DB she could tell ex again! I don't know if they are still in contact but ex wrote a lot of things that are irrelevant that only my sis knew. Sis denies it! But an important witness slipped up and said it to me without realising ex new wife who was divorcing ex after less than yr marriage...again ex was divorced by first wife before a yr...shows there was flags and I didn't take a bit of notice.

Hammer is good..I did have a bread knife for a while and I have baseball bat downstairs too.

Ryle sorry to ask but I assume you had spilt up when he was violent? What type of things did he do? Just want to see if pattern like mine...my ex trigger was not besotted by me quite the opposite..ex wants me dead as I ruined his life having our baby...it's all down to money too he would rather do pay by time in HMS than pay a penny maint.

It doesn't go away though Ryle...I am so sorry for you it hasn't. I am still going through the nasty little stuff that just reminds me of the bad stuff. I was hoping by moving and safe it would go away...I will try though.

As soon as I can work I can sell or rent my house and move somewhere else...I am de cluttering house these last few weeks getting it ready to put up for sale in New Year...but no cant rent out as classed as income if I have to rent somewhere else.

Police officer phoned couple hours ago. I don't know why I was pretending I was fine and not terrified. I don't want them to think I am as they only call in SS which can be a nightmare!

There is other stuff with ex too hurting DS and I just wanna wrap DS up in cotton wool hoping it will go away...SS said I was making it up to the police who then also decided to not investigate...good thing really as ex would have murdered the 2 of us. I just need to keep us safe and the stress if that alone is beyond!

Thanks for sharing your experience as you are 21 yrs ahead of me and it really helps.

Nolittle I know what you mean hence did DeWe idea...which worked out v good.

The area is lovely leafy suburb no trouble etc...it is ex that is doing this been here 13th year coming up and no problems otherwise. That is why I don't want to tell anyone. Except neighbour opposite who had bikes stolen.

NolittleBuddahsorTigerMomshere Wed 05-Dec-12 13:44:36

If I'd recently moved in I'd think you were a slightly strange and brazen nosey parker to think you can ask me that. Tbh, you have cctv, if an incident happens call the police and stay inside, at the back of your house. YABU IMO. The Newbies might think you are implying something about them and their lifestyles too. Also I'd be scared shitless to think I had moved to an area where this level of vigilence is thought necessary. I'm sorry that your experiences have left you shaken, it must be awful to feel like that in your own home. sad I would try and make a neutral connection with the neighbours first and maybe a frienship will develop and you could spend time together, if and when you felt anxious in future.

RyleDup Wed 05-Dec-12 11:39:42

Hey, just had a thought, could you rent your place out through an agency and then rent somewhere else yourself. Then you would be able to take the cctv down and look at selling it. I dont know how practical this is. Obviously you could still be seen at the school, but I reckon it might help you a bit to be somewhere else more secure, but without the memories attached.

RyleDup Wed 05-Dec-12 11:29:55

Oh seaofyou, it did help moving away, but I moved a long way away. 200 miles. This was 20 years ago and people didn't have such easy acess to the internet, so it was harder to track people. He wouldn't have had the money for an investigator.

I moved back about 10 years ago, to a town about 30 miles away from where he is. I have been very careful to keep my head down, friends are sworn to secrecy and I am always on my guard if I go out in the evenings. I think these days for him, its a case of out of sight is out of mind, but if he saw me, or knew where I was, he would be back with a vengeance.

Having said that, I do feel more confident these days, esp at night time. I no longer sleep with a hammer under my bed, I have the big dog, which helps, although you could replace the dog with alarms linked to a security firm. My old house had that, although it was already in place before I moved in.

I think if you weren't going to move far then it probably wouldn't be worth moving at all as you run the risk of being spotted, and he's obviously still got you in his mind. I think it would be easier with at least a slight name change, a bit added on or something, and a bigger move away. Its either that, or ramp up the security on your existing home, or move somewhere local that is difficult to access through gardens round the back etc. Having good security does make a big difference to your emotional well being.

seaofyou Wed 05-Dec-12 09:33:50

ah thanks Pessary, I do however have a guardian angel here on MN who is willing to travel over 400 miles to stay and help get evidence if it comes to a point where ex will possibly attack by a trigger that has hung over his head and run from for 8 yrs hence why ex moved abroad in first place. If this trigger ever happens it is good to know I have that support and MN website did this as the MN found me which is a Gods send!

I begged Police to go and just have a word with ex or his parents to say someone is attacking the home of their DGC did they know any information...so not even accusing but letting them know police is involved and serious, but Police said they were not allowed to do this as I could be sued for accusing ex even though I asked Police just to let ex know in hope he would come to his senses and stop. Even with witnesses of ex being in area on days of 2 attacks and attacks foiled due to being seen I cannot do anything as the 'person' needs to be caught in the 'act' and ex has thankfully not attacked since CCTV but driving past and parking outside is nearly as scary as the attacks themselves!

PessaryPam Wed 05-Dec-12 09:00:22

Threads like this make me wish we could have a whip round so Sea could hire an 'exterminator' and get her life back.

seaofyou Wed 05-Dec-12 08:36:23

Thanks AndFanjo for hugs and others...slept well because so exhausted from worry in day...so that is good. If it was ex I know it is passing either coming or leaving country so I know I won't see anything else suspicious now.

Holly that person you know wanted to directly use the CCTV for the street. My camera is on side view to show my front door my driveway and wall it does show path and road on that slant which CCTV company said is fine. They said if camera pointing out direct to street and or anyone's house or front garden this is not allowed...as there is no one else to the other side of my house I do not pick up a 'next door' garden as wall going to end of street. So it is not breaking privacy of anyone one else in street. HTH

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