...to be annoyed that my Mum just invites herself and then ruins Christmas?

(113 Posts)
justmuddlingalong Mon 03-Dec-12 20:36:43

Long Post-sorry. I am in my 40's and have a very strained relationship with my mum. My siblings have nothing to do with her because of her attitude, she has narcissistic tendencies. I would quite happily cut off all contact with her, but feel guilty because I'm the last of her children who tolerates her. She has brothers and sisters whom she has alienated too, but doesn't see her behaviour as a problem. She presumes that she is coming to spend Christmas with DP and I, but this will be the 12th year she's just invited herself and I just can't face it again. She is overpowering, selfish and sooo ungrateful. She knows I only invite her because no-one else will put up with her. You'd think she would behave in a more reasonable manner, but she aways dictates how the day runs, what we eat, when we eat, stops us meeting up with friends later in the day etc. My DP's son will be home from the forces at Christmas, so we can't run away abroad for Christmas to avoid her! I'm generally a strong minded woman, but my Mum is such a bully that railroads people into doing what she wants. I know you only get 1 mum, don't be uncharitable, it's the season of goodwill etc!!!! Don't judge me, you haven't spent Christmas Day with my mother, what should I do?

justmuddlingalong Mon 03-Dec-12 21:55:49

Brother and sister have both told her to bugger off go away when she's turned up at the door. She'll just smile and say she'll come back later. They always put the phone down on her whenever she phones, but she keeps phoning them. She has the thickest skin out there and is oblivious to the bluntest comment. Will let you all know how it goes.

justmuddlingalong Mon 03-Dec-12 22:00:03

Boutiquemummy, she'd see you as her new best friend and maybe invite herself to yours next year. Be afraid, be very afraid!grin

lovebunny Mon 03-Dec-12 22:48:43

do it! though i'd hate my adult daughter to do it to me. but i work on being 'biddable' and 'useful' and 'supportive' and hope for the best. and i love her so much that if her day would be better without me, i'd stay at home.

justmuddlingalong Mon 03-Dec-12 22:58:20

Lovebunny, I'd be delighted if she was biddable, useful and supportive, but these words aren't in my mum's dictionary. If my mum had even 1 of these traits, she'd be a more than welcome visitor. Your daughter's lucky to have you.

TheSecondComing Mon 03-Dec-12 23:03:08

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

justmuddlingalong Mon 03-Dec-12 23:07:57

If I just went out and left her alone in my house, she'd rummage through drawers and cupboards. Look through envelopes at letters and generally stick her nose in where it's not wanted. She's opened unopened mail to nose in it before now. She really has no shame. My neighbour has my spare key in case of emergencies, but I'd never give my mum a key.

TheSecondComing Mon 03-Dec-12 23:09:14

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

justmuddlingalong Mon 03-Dec-12 23:11:59

Sounds like a plan, Secondcoming. Hubby just home from work, so going to pass on all tonights advice. wink

TheSecondComing Mon 03-Dec-12 23:15:39

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

justmuddlingalong Mon 03-Dec-12 23:25:13

Her mantra is 'what have I ever done to you, him, her, (insert as appropriate), 'I don't remember that, not that I can remember',etc. etc. Surely all of her family and friends can't be wrong. But her attitude is that we are and she's right. Can't win.confused

TheSecondComing Mon 03-Dec-12 23:31:04

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Blu Mon 03-Dec-12 23:41:51

We have a relative like this in our family, the situation is v similiar - only one sibling will now tolerate her and thus also bears the guilt trip burden of 'I'm all she's got'. It absolutely ruins things for the other 8 or 9 people ready to have a lovely time.

And you know the real irony in our family? And I BET this is the same for your Mum if she really is a narcissist? However hard you work, and whatever you put up with, it still won't make her happy. So actually there is little point in martyring yourself to it. Because she still won't be happy, content and gracious.

Tell her that this Christmas belongs to your DP and his son, after 12 years she is simply not invited, needs to visit her other children for one year, and that's that. And then as you say, don't answer the door. Or go away to a cottage, don't give her the address and turn off your phone.

kiwigirl42 Mon 03-Dec-12 23:52:24

You need to come visit on the dysfunctional families thread lots of good advice and UNUDERSTANDING best of all. We know how you feel about your Mum!

For whats its worth my Mum pitched up for 6 wks last yr. was horrendous.

AltinkumATEalltheTurkey Tue 04-Dec-12 02:00:51

If you don't have her OP will she then be on her own? I'd hate for my mother to be on her own at Christmas, no matter how bd her behaviour made me feel, it's only one day after all.

If you don't think you can be strong enough to not let her in, could you go out to a restaurant for xmas dinner? Some pubs etc do xmas lunch...

sleeplessinsuburbia Tue 04-Dec-12 02:50:19

You're actually a bit lucky, she is soo thick skinned you have no need to be polite or rational.

As fluffy suggested, ring her and say: we're not having Xmas with you this year, we are visiting dps son. If you want to catch up sometime we could meet you for dinner at x restaurant on Xmas eve. See you then.

Repeat as necessary.

If she rocks up on the day, at the door say, we're celebrating today with dps son. Good bye. She won't be offended!!

Shut up, Altinkum.
The mother in this case has brought it upon herself. She could have lots of people to go to if she hadn't alienated them all.
OP, we're in the same bother with MIL. This year we're off to FIL and SMIL's and telling nobody. Last year we went to a pub for pub lunch, were dim enough to tell her and she bloody turned up.

sashh Tue 04-Dec-12 06:12:46

A couple of things you can do.

Do you want to houseswap with me for a few days? I can open the door and say no, I don't know who you are talking about I've lived here for 10 years.

When she won't go, call the police. Things can be a bit quiet even for the police of Xmas so they will come round and if she refuses to leave they will arrest her.

Do Christmas on Christmas eve, presents, turky etc. Then on Xmas day serve beans on toast.

Develop something contagious, maybe swine flu, where you have to be kept in quarantine. Actually Dp's son may have been exposed to something that he didn't know about until the 23rd. It's a mutation of anthrax so you all have to be quarantined. You could even put tape over doors and windows

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AltinkumATEalltheTurkey Tue 04-Dec-12 08:00:01

Did I just warp back to 1990's, To the school play ground?!?

OP asked my opinion, I have neither said if she is being UR or not, for me as *I said* I couldn't leave *my mother* alone on Christmas Day,

So leave your shut up comments back in numpty lands where it belongs!!!

Dawndonna Tue 04-Dec-12 08:19:06

My mother will be spending Christmas with her one and only friend this year. Not one of us will have her. She's rude, nasty, spiteful and arrogant. As was suggested take a look at the stately homes thread.

Gigondas Tue 04-Dec-12 08:31:34

So why post on aibu altinkum? I wouldn't leave my mother alone at Xmas either but I am not op. in circumstances, I think she is perfectly entitled to say no (best course) or make an excuse if she feels it is easier to do that.

And op ,given your mums habit of snooping, outstaying her welcome etc, I would not have her at all (go out, fib about it whatever etc) as she will either end up staying anyway or spoil your day by making a scene.

AltinkumATEalltheTurkey Tue 04-Dec-12 08:43:15

Because I asked the OP a question first and then after she has asswered the question, i will then give my full explanation.

TheSecondComing Tue 04-Dec-12 09:05:46

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ENormaSnob Tue 04-Dec-12 09:16:24

I wouldn't let her come.

Tough shit, it's all her own doing.

What does your partner say? It's totally unfair to him imo.

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere Tue 04-Dec-12 09:23:32

I don't have any advice to add, but will join the cheer leading team! Good luck! And stick to your guns. smile

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