to say to MIL - if you want a copy of DD's school photo, you should have a copy of my DS's as well!

(51 Posts)
MoomieAndFreddie Mon 03-Dec-12 15:27:52

am sick of DS not being classed as a family member

he is from a previous relationship and he was only a baby when me and DH got together, he is 6 YO now

i also have now a DD aged 3 with DH

they recently had school photo's taken. MIL has asked for a photo for Christmas - but only of DD. I suppose I should be used to it as her home is covered in photo's of all the "real" grandkids - but not DS

To contrast this, my EX mil (ie DS's grandma) loves and treats both kids exactly the same (despite DD being from my "new" relationship) and has also asked for some school pics - of BOTH dc. And she calls them her grandkids and they both call her nanna.

it fucks me off. if any of my dc ever end up with step kids i will be sure to treat them exactly the same as any bio grand kids i might have.

fairylightsandtinsel Mon 03-Dec-12 15:29:47

that is very sad, but I would strongly recommend that you let your DP tackle it with his mother, not you. I hope you get it sorted.

Yanbu!!! Family is family doesn't matter how they came to be with u !

CuriousMama Mon 03-Dec-12 15:31:36

Awful. I agree get dh to tackle it.

ChocolateCoins Mon 03-Dec-12 15:32:42

Yanbu. That is really sad sad I would never treat a child differently just because they weren't biologically related.

Sokmonsta Mon 03-Dec-12 15:32:43

Are the children at the same school? Joint photos for future if they are.

KenLeeeeeee Mon 03-Dec-12 15:58:14

YANBU, how sad for your ds. Your DH should really raise this with his mother.

Even my MIL, with whom I have had a very difficult and turbulent relationship, manages to treat all my kids the same, even though only the youngest two are biologically related to her. It's the one area I can't fault her. grin

SweetApril Mon 03-Dec-12 16:05:38

Ah, as a kid I had a mean step-grandmother just like your DS. The "real" grandkids were treated very, very differently - lots of love, attention, treats. She gave me none of those things and liked to make sure everyone knew it. My stepdad did his best to confront her but she was basically just an old cow. It drove my mum crazy and created a lot of tension and upset in our house.

Based on my experiences I'd say:

You and your DH should deal with the issue as a "team" and confront her together, if necessary.

Don't expect her to change (although obviously it's a bonus if she does)

Include your DS yourself where possible (eg joint school photos)

Absolutely embrace the love and kindness of your ex MIL

And try really hard not to let it get to you or affect your relationship with your DH. Be determined. In the long run it won't achieve anything. Sounds like your DS and DD have enough good family around to more than make up for the deficiencies of your MIL.

SantaWearsGreen Mon 03-Dec-12 16:10:11

I really fail to understand people like this. It makes no sense at all. They are cold, callous and cruel.

How can you totally disregard a child in this way and still feel able to sleep at night? He is a child, and it doesn't matter if he is 'flesh and blood' or not, he still is a part of the family and has feelings. I feel really sad when I hear stories like this, I just wish I could understand what goes through their heads.

You need to get DH to tackle it before it gets out of hand. Similar situation growing up. I was in your DS situation except SGPs wouldn't even have dreamt of having a picture of me. In fact I recall a few times them taking a 'family photo' together and saying I couldn't be in it so had to sit to one side. Also they would find an unwanted gift like a polar bear calendar for instance to give me as a Christmas pressie, DB who was their bio GC would get some massive £100 gift. Its always stayed with me, its very hurtful. Don't let your DS go through the same, nip it in the bud now.

MrsMerryMeeple Mon 03-Dec-12 16:23:27

Get a nice photo of the two of them together and give her that. Posing so there's no way she can take DS from the picture without spoiling the shot of DD.

YouCanBe Mon 03-Dec-12 16:33:30

That is horrible.
Your DS will notice and it will hurt him. sad

adeucalione Mon 03-Dec-12 16:41:21

My MIL always asks for a copy of DDs school photo, but never asks for one of DS - both the biological offspring of her son btw, she has just always been more interested in DD. It manifests itself in other ways too. I work quite hard to make sure that DS doesn't notice.

I'm in the same situation as Kenleeee, my MIL and I have a very difficult relationship at times, but she has never treated my DS1 any differently to my other DCs. I feel very sorry for your DS. I would also go along with joint photos only and ask your DH to have a word. Does she not realise how difficult she is making things for all of you, not least your DH and your DD?

Journey Mon 03-Dec-12 16:58:28

I think it would be nice if your mil accepted your ds but you can't make someone change their feelings if they don't want to. Go ahead and give her joint photos but it isn't going to change anything. If she hasn't accepted your ds for nearly six years then it is very unlikely she'll change.

Your ds has his own set of biological grandparents. He doesn't need your mil. Of course it would make things so much nicer if she did but if it doesn't come from the heart then it would just be superficial.

McChristmasPants2012 Mon 03-Dec-12 17:06:21

I would have a christening or party specifically for your DS and invite everyone apart from your toxic mother in law. See how she feels left out.

jb198 Mon 03-Dec-12 17:17:31

We are in a similar situation . I had dd when we got together, now also got ds. We picked up on the " first grandchild" comments when I was expecting ds. Pil ring up dh and ask about ds daily, dd mentioned occasionally when they remember. Dh finds this so insulting as he is dds dad in every way.
Show a united front, dh now says oh ds is fine, dds been upto xyz, she's doing this and that at school etc and generally makes them include her. We also only visit as a four.
Dh didn't want to cause a row or offend them, I explained that he might offend them but it wouldent be a touch on what they would be if I had to say something! We now seem to be on the same page, thinking Christmas may be interesting! We are trying to nip anything of this nature in the bud, if dh sees himself as having two children and fathers them equally then the lease pils can do is respect that.

exoticfruits Mon 03-Dec-12 17:20:54

Get joint photos- take one yourself and send it instead. Make sure that DS sees MIL on his own sometimes.
I would confront her, calmly and politely, with DP and tell her that you have two equal children and that has to treat them equally.

diddl Mon 03-Dec-12 17:25:53

Did she see him as family before you had your daughter?

I think I just wouldn´t give her a photo at all tbh.

exoticfruits Mon 03-Dec-12 17:26:59

Does she have the DCs on her own?

Mines the same, luckily ds1&2 are old enough not to be bothered by her anymore. I think it upsets me more than them

MoomieAndFreddie Mon 03-Dec-12 17:59:26

wow was fully expecting to be told i am being U

she babysits - but only for DD. she would never have them both

DH's exwife hates MIL as well - dh xw had 2 kids from a prev relationship as well, wonder if MIL ignored them as well....

Seabird72 Mon 03-Dec-12 18:12:27

awful situation but ex MIL sounds lovely!

Kalisi Mon 03-Dec-12 18:19:36

God that's horrible! I can't believe how many people are coming on here saying they are in the same situation sad
Well obviously your MIL is BVU. I would probably be too shocked to address the situation head on but would do everything in my power to just protect DS and force her to include him. I.e Only send joint photos EVER, only visit with both children, only send cards/presents made by both children etc. You will passive aggressively get your point across eventually.

LemonBreeland Mon 03-Dec-12 18:22:50

She would not be getting a photo from me.

What does your dh say to her?

LemonBreeland Mon 03-Dec-12 18:26:10

She would not be getting a photo from me.

What does your dh say to her?

My DB would completely disown my Mum if she even hinted towards treating his dsd differently to his dd.

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