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To think this advice to a mum regarding seperation anxiety is sad?

(100 Posts)
MightTinge Thu 29-Nov-12 20:49:14

A mum on fb pulling her hair out because her 10 month on DC is getting major seperation anxiety, its not her first but its been the hardest child so far - she's said.

So she asks for advice via status on faceache.

I explained why they theorises babies had seperation anxiety around that age and suggested a comfy sling until it passes.

All her friends have answered "Its hard hunny but dnt giv in, she'll soo learn she dosnt get piked up if she crys."

And the age old 'rod for your back hun, ignore it.'

Its a fucking baby, suffering anxiety sad

I hope she doesnt listen to them.

SackGirl Fri 30-Nov-12 17:17:28

My little one is nearly 16 weeks and I can't just walk off to leave him cry, nor will I ever, I have had to step out for a moment and breathe and re-enter the room just to not start crying myself lol, but I do NOT agree with 'letting them cry it out'

I have however had to start sitting with him stroking his head in his rocker to get him to nap in the day as he got so used to napping in my arms I literally couldn't get anything done - He cries a bit, but I'm right there stroking his head singing lullabies and holding his dummy in for him. Even that makes me feel like a monster, but after a month of him only napping on me it really has to be done - I wouldn't let him get into a state though sad

Some of my friends believe in the 'let them cry it out' which I find strange... like you've all said, babies are not manipulative nor have they 'sussed' out how to get their way. :/ poor things

DuelingFanjo Fri 30-Nov-12 17:23:13

there's some horrendous advice given out on faceache, I just have to ignore it. One of my friends posts on a facebook support group for young mums and I have to sit on my hands and hide the posts. If I could work out how to hide every time her postings on there come up on my news feed without hiding all the other stuff she posts then I would.

MrsDeVere Fri 30-Nov-12 17:23:31

Are you the only facebook friend she has who can spell?

MightTinge Fri 30-Nov-12 19:51:23

MrsDeVere
It certainly seems that way. Reading her other friends replies made my eyes bleed.

FantasticMax Fri 30-Nov-12 20:32:13

I think this has been a really interesting thread.

My personal opinion is that ideally you shouldn't leave a baby to CIO. But, if you're blessed with one of those babies that screams no matter what then what else are you supposed to do?

A poster further up suggested that slings were invented so that you could look after other children/do housework. Well, yes, that's excellent, but what if you get a baby who screams in a sling too? I know mine did. And as for co-sleeping advice - your baby will sleep once she/he's snuggled into you. Well, again that was shit advice. My baby couldn't give a stuff if I was there or not. It made no difference.

It took me a long time to realise that my baby was more "high needs" than other babies. I would genuinely be astonished at baby groups when I saw more placid babies and wonder where I was going wrong.

I sometimes think the harshest critics of CIO have generally had quite an easy baby. Of course it's easy to judge because you really have no clue what it's like to have a baby who is never content.

FWIW, I generally started finding things easier when DD was 7/8 months, she seemed to calm down a lot.. But when I look at others her age I do still think she's quite a demanding baby. If it wasn't for the fact she sleeps through I think I would be tearing my hair out!

lopopo Fri 30-Nov-12 20:50:07

I don't agree with letting a baby CIO. However if I'm in the car, loo or shower sometimes it can't be helped. But that doesn't mean I would ever ignore my baby if he is distressed and I can easily comfort him. I do get uncomfortable when friends talk about letting their babies cry. I'm lucky - at the moment my 4 month year old can settle himself after a few squawks and is a good sleeper. But when he is upset I come running. I think that's the least I can do for him.

MightTinge Fri 30-Nov-12 20:54:14

Fantastic my first was the same. Screamed all the time. When I put him in a sling, when I put him in my bed, just all the time. My second was easy, never cried. When he was 2 weeks old he went a whole week without crying shock my first wouldnt go more than 30 mins without crying.

So yes, unfortunately you have to let those babies cry a bit. Its not even about 'letting' them cry, its about accepting that you're trying your absolute best but they are crying regardless.

FWIW though the OP is about a otherwise cheerful baby which is going through the seperation anxiety stage, and whether an anxious child should be left.

Scheherezade Fri 30-Nov-12 22:04:56

Agree fantastic last night DS cried from 10-2am, we tried everything, including DP in spare bed and DS in with me. Nothing worked, until I gave up and put him in his cot. He cried for THREE FUCKING MINUTES and slept till 8am. After FOUR FUCKING HOURS complaining.

He literally cries every day when its time for me to wash, dress. We eat together, with him on my knee. He hates the pram and gets carried.

If I never let him cry we would both be hungry, cold and dirty. DP has organised flexi time so he comes home in the day to let me cook, eat, go to the toilet occasionally.

I am not an ignorant, ill educated child abuser with a heart of stone. If you had a child like my DS, you would understand.

Cbh1978 Fri 30-Nov-12 22:16:17

We always meet our son's crying needs (he is now 11mths). We also co-sleep - one of the best parenting decisions we have made.
He gets anxious when his other mum goes out of the room,clearly not appreciating that I did all that hard work in labour etc., but she is his full-time carer. Still, hurts a bit sometimes that he always prefers her to me, but equally creates nice balance in our parenting.
IMO, (and that of people with more 'knowledge'), babies who realise that crying gets them nowhere are babies who realise they are not worth the attention of those who love them most. We are the products if the Dr Spock generations. No wonder we are all so insecure!
On this issue, try the book 'Three in a Bed'. It's about co-sleeping mainly but provides good arguments against the 'cry it out' theorists.

Cbh1978 Fri 30-Nov-12 22:18:54

Scheherezade, I had one of those. Not sure how old your son is, but ours cried most of the day for about three months in the early days. Not fun times... Is he quite young?

Cbh1978 Fri 30-Nov-12 22:20:18

Actually, think it was longer than three months. It is still a blur....!

Scheherezade Fri 30-Nov-12 22:38:58

He was actually very easy till he reached 4/5months old. 6-10 months old was q serious nightmare, he is getting easier, though worse in the pram.

Cbh1978 Fri 30-Nov-12 23:25:42

Phew! Glad things are getting easier. It is really hard. My mum said she would have thrown him out of the window if he had been hers. Needless to say, she has never volunteered to look after him. Would I let her? ;-) Our son is the only baby I know to have been like this. Cranial osteopathy helped loads early on. Needless to say, it was all his frustrated genius. ;-)

Cbh1978 Fri 30-Nov-12 23:28:31

And we had the same pram/pushchair issue too. It is different now, he started walking as he turned ten months and now wants to walk everywhere. Easier on the back but very time consuming. Have to say, he is less frustrated since walking. Good luck. I share what you are going through!

Scheherezade Fri 30-Nov-12 23:32:19

Yes, it got easier when he could crawl, and will be much easier once he's walking I think, especially for out and about. He just gets bored and frustrated I think, can't really blame him for that.

Scheherezade Fri 30-Nov-12 23:33:46

p.s. thanks! Nice to know someone understands.

And yes, I console myself with knowing its obviously a sign of being wonderfully clever wink

rainrainandmorerain Fri 30-Nov-12 23:52:22

There is ALL the difference in the world between putting a crying baby down or keeping a wailing toddler at bay because you HAVE TO (hello, norovirus - yes, I do need to run to the toilet quickly and it is best done without a child in tow) - and DELIBERATELY leaving them because you think they are 'getting' at you, trying to manipulate you, and so it's up to you to 'show 'em who's boss' etc.

It is inevitable that my toddler will bang his head on a table edge, accidentally. This doesn't mean it is fine for me to beat him round the head with a lump of wood.

I think a lot of this labelling of babies as scheming manipulative creatures is done to justify parental behaviour when stressed. I can remember feeling so upset and frustrated and downright angry sometimes when my baby ds woke me up yet again in the night for a feed. It really was hard. But I didn't decide that he was a nasty little shit, so I was going to damn well leave him to cry and see if I care etc etc.

I said earlier that labelling babies as manipulative creatures who need to be taught lessons made my skin crawl. It's because it reminds me of what abusers say about the children they abuse. 'She knew what she was doing/he led me on' etc. They are projecting and adult sexuality and behaviour onto children when it is wholly inappropriate. I feel the same way when I hear someone talking about a 6 month old baby 'knowing how to wind you up' or 'just crying for attention' etc. I just want to shout 'NO. THEY ARE A BABY. LET THEM BE A BABY.'

rainrainandmorerain Sat 01-Dec-12 00:01:20

And separation anxiety is a stage. I have seen it coincide with children starting nursery, which of course is really tough for all concerned, and unfortunate timing. The reality of some parents lives just doesn't allow flexibility there.

But really - if you knew your seven year old, or thirteen year old, or fifteen year old was anxious and and unhappy, and really wanted reassurance that you as a parent were 'there for them' - who would deliberately shun them, to 'teach them a lesson'? or to show them you won't come when they want you? Why does anyone think it's ok to do that to a baby?

Alisvolatpropiis Sat 01-Dec-12 00:31:59

I have no personal experience of this myself OP,but do know that my parents would leave me to cry occasionally,though not sure how young I was. Probably about 10 months - 1 year. If I was fed,warm,clean,not unwell and just screaming they would leave me for 5/10 minutes to cry it out then come back and check on me. If I was still upset they would obviously comfort me. More often than not I was asleep...I used to fight it.

Still do at the grand age of 24. I think (hope) I am a fairly well rounded adult,certainly have a good relationship with my parents.

I think leaving a baby to cry for a long time consistently is probably going to be detrimental though. I don't think babies attention seek but lots really hate and fight going to sleep and maybe need to be left for 5 minutes. But I'm not a mum yet,so don't know how I'll feel when it's my child crying. All hypothetical at this point.

rainrainandmorerain Sat 01-Dec-12 00:40:13

just to point out - babies and children do have emotional needs. Please be aware that when you say things like they are clean, warm, fed, not unwell and just screaming, there is a whole other dimension to their wellbeing.

Scheherezade Sat 01-Dec-12 00:41:31

That's absolutely spot on alis let him have 5/10 minutes to shout, he fights sleep also. He has never, ever dropped off anywhere, I find he screams longer/harder if I'm holding him. My friends baby fell asleep in her highchair in front of me once, my face was just shock

Alisvolatpropiis Sat 01-Dec-12 00:48:52

Oh I know they do rain but I suppose by 10 months parents mostly know how their baby is in terms of tiredness,wanting to play,needing to be held. My anecdote was only relating to babies who fight sleep really.

MightTinge Sat 01-Dec-12 06:05:58

But you do realise the OP is about a baby suffering seperation anxiety not one whos crying for the hell of it/needs to sleep.

CailinDana Sat 01-Dec-12 06:59:26

What rain said. Exactly.

MrsJamin Sat 01-Dec-12 07:12:40

I hate those facebook status updates that turn into lots of people giving bad advice. Instead of starting a personal argument I normally private message the person saying what I think if it's very different to the rest of the advice. Poor woman, if the child is 10 years then that's one thing, but 10 months! Cuddle them and let them know you are there. DS2 has bad separation anxiety and he's just about becoming more independent at nearly 3.

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