WIBU or a (future) "tiger mum"? Long, petty...

(43 Posts)
Dannilion Mon 26-Nov-12 19:32:46

Sorry in advance because this may be long, it probably is petty but I'm so good at avoiding drama that when it happens it knocks me for six!

I'm 22 weeks pregnant with PFB. This weekend DP invited a group of his friends and their DP's over for what was explained to me as a housewarming/takeaway/few drinks social gathering. One friend has a wife in this group who is well...Difficult. She generally doesn't come to social gatherings, because she always ends up becoming verbally aggressive and having to leave early. She has plenty of her own friends so she isn't isolated or anything. Nevertheless her DP is part of a longstanding friendship group so she is tolerated on the rare occasions she joins them.

Anyways, upon hearing that people were coming to ours this weekend she called the girlfriends (bar myself and one other) of the group and said that they and their DP's should come out to dinner with her instead. They all declined. This got my back up a bit, as I don't really enjoy a game of 'divide and conquer'. It didn't occur to me for 2 seconds that she would be coming, as she has recently been verbally aggressive to my DP and I don't really have anything to do with her. Nevertheless she turned up.

She didn't even say hello to me. I did try to talk to her but I just got a sarcastic smile. She sat at my dining table with an abundance of alcohol that she'd brought round, loudly beckoning people over until everyone was sat at my dining table and it was just myself and another girl the other side of the room. She then got out some snack types and said "we can't be bothered to get food, let's just have this", then initiated drinking games. Inviting everyone to play apart from preggo me, of course. So, bored out of my mind I go to my room with my dog and cry because I'm hormonal and having a crappy time. She falls through my bedroom door (which is closed), I ask calmly if I can just be left alone to gather my thoughts. She then storms out shouting down the stairs, "we need to leave, now! She doesn't want me here!"..And left, after making me look like a terrible person. Some of the group come up and tell me not to worry, that they saw what she was doing and that I should come downstairs and get some food etc. Some don't. I hear her DP say to mine "Don't worry, pregnant women are just crazy sometimes".

So, the next day. Her DP calls mine and demands an apology from me for bullying this girl and ruining the night. She texts me saying she is really upset. I just text her back saying I can't be bothered with these games and I don't want this destructive behaviour in my life.

The whole group seems to be at loggerheads with this drama and she is painting me as this kind of super villain. As far as I'm concerned it was over and done once I had said I wanted nothing to do with it, but now the girlfriends of the group are coming out one by one saying she has told them all the nasty things I've said about them etc. I haven't said or done anything, I don't even know these people really. But I'm really just starting to doubt whether I was right to stand up for myself (eventually) or I should just apologise for a quiet life? I suffer with anxiety anyways and have been shaking for the last few hours. I could just do with the peace and quiet, and i feel so bad for DP as he is stuck in the middle.

Euphemia Mon 26-Nov-12 19:38:15

I think it's time for DP to socialise with his friends by himself, and for you to find some new friends. Or, only see the people you really want to spend time with.

I'd never want to see her or him again, for his stupid comment about pregnant women. In your house too! What a pair - drop them now!

mrskeithrichards Mon 26-Nov-12 19:38:36

Oh my what a mess. What a vile women. Are the others your friends or are you all just friendly because of your partners? I suppose what I'm trying to figure out is do you value them as friends?

I would consider a group text saying your not getting dragged into this, you've said nothing to her and you hope they'll see that and remain friends.

Then take a step back.

EverlongLovesHerChristmasRobin Mon 26-Nov-12 19:41:05

I would have wanted to throttle her. But wouldn't because of baby.

I would however told her to fuck right off.
Partner of your dh's friend or not.

SushiPaws Mon 26-Nov-12 19:42:49

This sounds just like someone I know who did the same trick, you're not in Scotland are you?
Talk to your friends, tell them the truth and have NOTHING to do with her.

chicane Mon 26-Nov-12 19:44:32

You were both being drama queens and your use of the term tiger mum is entirely out of
Context.

That said, she sounds annoying. Perhaps your dp should keep his socialising outside of your home if it upsets you.

OnwardBound Mon 26-Nov-12 19:44:59

Oh my. I don't really know what to say here...

But first off, this woman sounds disturbed and toxic. I would avoid her from now on as much as possible.

Secondly, what age range is this friendship group? I'm imagining early 20s as it all sounds terribly dramatic and a bit 'she said this about you', stir, stir, stir.

I think I would be the bigger person here and ignore all the drama being whipped up by everyone. Perhaps limit time spent in group as a whole for a while?

You don't really need this crap when you are pregnant. Spend your time with people who are good for you and nurturing, not drama queen pot stirrers.

Good luck!

ArtVandelay Mon 26-Nov-12 19:45:43

She's crackers. Drop them.

BTW... Isnt a tiger mum someone who makes their child do violin practice and extra homework for hours at a time?

Dannilion Mon 26-Nov-12 19:45:55

We're more friendly because of our DP's to be honest, I have my own group of friends and DP has many other friends too. So yeah, I don't really value them as friends but I guess I'm just feeling a bit overwhelmed with this entire situation.

Thanks for your kind words, it's reassuring to know that I'm not a 'crazy pregnant woman' smile

degutastic Mon 26-Nov-12 19:46:02

Madness. She can sod off and never darken your doorstep again. TBH, I'd look for new friends / socialise with other groups and encourage your DP to socialise with his friends away from your home or without their partners.

degutastic Mon 26-Nov-12 19:46:51

btw, yanbu, she sounds beyond hard work and deeply rude.

EverlongLovesHerChristmasRobin Mon 26-Nov-12 19:47:01

annoying is someone turning up late or walking mud through your house this is not annoying.

It's bordering on pyscho witch.

MrsCampbellBlack Mon 26-Nov-12 19:47:11

She sounds a nightmare but you were a bit umm OTT retreating to your bedroom to gather your thoughts.

I suspect the other guests just felt really really awkward.

Dannilion Mon 26-Nov-12 19:48:02

haha, I don't really know what tiger mum means. I just felt like a bit of a tiger standing up for myself smile

EverlongLovesHerChristmasRobin Mon 26-Nov-12 19:51:18

A tiger mum is a very pushy mother.
Think 8 hours piano practise grin well maybe not 8 but there about.

ArtVandelay Mon 26-Nov-12 19:52:40

Standing up for yourself doesn't make you a tiger it makes you not a mug. Next time don't slink off - in your house you are the boss smile This woman is a bully don't give her the satisfaction of a drama.

chicane Mon 26-Nov-12 19:55:13

You didnt stand up for yourself like a tiger though - you went to your room and cried into your dogs fur.

Look,fuck her, fuck what she says to people you dont even really know. Stop letting her push your buttons and just ignore her.

bradywasmyfavouriteking Mon 26-Nov-12 19:56:13

What did your dp say when her dp made the pregnant woman comment and then after the text.

maddening Mon 26-Nov-12 20:00:29

does every one now know what actually happened? does her dp?

OnwardBound Mon 26-Nov-12 20:02:40

Yes brady, I would think this is probably the main issue.

Danni, did your DP support you and tell his mate to bugger off, that his DP needs to apologise to you not the other way round...

That's what he needs to do imo, stick up for his pregnant partner in the circumstances that you described. And put her needs and feelings above that of his group of mates and their partners.

quietlysuggests Mon 26-Nov-12 20:08:22

Say clearly to your DH
"I was sober
That toxic lying bitch was drunk and abusive to me in my own home
Sort that out however you want."

Dannilion Mon 26-Nov-12 20:19:31

Yeah when DP's friend called him, his words were "I tolerate your DW being aggressive towards me because you are my friend, but I will not tolerate her being so vile to my pregnant girlfriend in her own home. She is not welcome here again". Well, something like that but with more obscenities.

Cue said friend crying and saying he doesn't understand why everyone has a problem with his DW. That she's so lovely but people always single her out etc etc hmm

I've told my DP that I'm not getting involved in any of this he said she said nonsense. I'm a grown woman. But yeah, I just feel guilty that my DP in the middle..

bradywasmyfavouriteking Mon 26-Nov-12 20:22:36

What was your dps response to the 'pregnant woman' comment.

I think someone needs to tell your dps mate that is 'everyone' has a problem with her, then she is probably the problem.

bradywasmyfavouriteking Mon 26-Nov-12 20:30:26

My phone is playing up. Sorry if this has posted more than once.

The friend is a dick as well. I would think your supportive dp should be reconsidering whether he wants to be friends with a man that demands apologies when its actually his dp that is horrible.

The split in the group is THEIR fault, not yours. He is as bad as her. His comments are disgusting and his behaviour now is also wrong.

They are both vile.

fishnhips Mon 26-Nov-12 20:30:59

No YANBU and it's perfectly acceptable to sit in your room and cry when you are pregnant. I have had minor spats with my dad when pregnant and sobbed my heart out in the car - all very weird! She sounds like a total bitch. I would let her get on with it, once the baby comes you won't have the time or the inclination to care about this sort of shit anyway. Also, if your partner doesn't mind then you shouldn't either, what happens between the two of you is the most important thing.

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