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to be really annoyed with my in laws

(44 Posts)
mrskeithrichards Fri 23-Nov-12 10:08:37

We generally get on great.

They bought a new house 6m ago that needed a lot of work. Their son, my dh, just happens to be a joiner to trade. It was assumed at the start he would do a lot of the work, think kitchen, stairway, floors, doors, front door and window, bathroom, facings, skirting and coordinating spark and plumber.

Dh and I initially quite happy with the arrangement, as I said they are generally lovely and have done a lot for us in the past and were happy to have a chance to say them back so to speak.

Since then it's been all consuming. Every night after work, at least one day at weekends, all through the summer, October holidays (dh generally working term time) not to mention going to merchants, ordering material, speaking to the other trades, me going up to be in for deliveries, frantic phone calls from them.

Add into the mix a few baby born in April, our 6 year old and the fact my dh has been really quite ill (graves disease) which is why he's only working part time. We're skint, this time of year he'd pick up a bit extra to see as through Christmas but he can't because of everything he's doing there. I'm fed up not seeing him until 8pm at night, tired.

I'm pissed off they haven't acknowledged the impact it's having on us.

He's almost done, a couple of more weeks and he's done. When I think of the money he's saved them it's incredible. When they completed on the house they gifted dh and his brother £1k. Which was nice. I just feel mad that dh has bust a gut for them, I've been left on my own loads at weekends and I don't know what to say to them. I'm mad with them I don't even want to see them and their stunning new place whilst I'm fretting about putting the heating on.

Am I a total cow?

lovebunny Sun 25-Nov-12 20:15:59

parents can feel very 'entitled'.
start telling them gently how tired your husband is. hopefully that will make them ask themselves why.

mrskeithrichards Sun 25-Nov-12 18:52:30

I don't think she is, she does use the internet but just for shopping as far as I know!

shock imagine if she was a MNer! grin

<<waves to MrsKeithRichardsMIL>>

mrskeithrichards Sun 25-Nov-12 18:09:44

Just got back from in laws. Dh was there doing door and window, we joined them for lunch. Got a cheque for £500 off mil and an acknowledgment of all the work and time dh has spent on it.

It's all coming to an end, they've been a bit blind to it all but I think it's taken a lot out of them.

Either that or she read this thread!

mrskeithrichards Fri 23-Nov-12 18:21:57

If he was out all hours and coining it in I wouldn't mind! Their £1k has probably equated to about 20p an hour by now

Rudolphstolemycarrots Fri 23-Nov-12 18:06:41

Get him to say that he has to stop for four months to earn Xmas money, rest and be with your family.

Arrange for some of his friends to quote for the work if they want it done sooner.

CaliforniaLeaving Fri 23-Nov-12 17:52:05

Pity he won't just slow down and do it a little slower, but I can see why he wants to get it over and finished with.
Just keep telling yourself it'll be over soon. Then once they start calling with other jobs, make sure your Dh doesn't rush round to do them, book it for a week or two (or more) out and make sure he's resting, poor guy, getting taken advantage of by his own parents who know he's not well enough to do all this.

LucilleBluth Fri 23-Nov-12 17:24:18

I agree with NUFC69, but I can see your side, my DH has a demanding job and I'm basically on my own with 3 DCs, we have a nice life, I'm not complaining. FWIW I think your DH has done a lovely thing and all things aside your in laws don't sound that bad, giving their DSs some money was nice and saving you money down the line on childcare, but like I said I know what's its like to shoulder all the domestic responsibility, it's wearing with young children and you need your partner.

Huge not hugh

What about a big sigh when you get the tour and saying "lovely as it all is, if we could turn back the clock, I.dont know.if we would have agreed to such a hugh workload. You know how dh is - ever so helpful - but all this work has not helped his illness".

mrskeithrichards Fri 23-Nov-12 17:02:25

No your right though I do need to see this from all sides. Mil has offered to look after our baby when I go back to work.

I suppose it all balances out. It'll be over soon, I don't think it's worth falling out over now.

I am still drinking all her Bailey's though.

NUFC69 Fri 23-Nov-12 16:27:55

I don't think you are being unreasonable, but I would be very careful how you deal with this. You have yourself admitted that they have helped you in the past - and it is up to your DH to deal with his parents himself.

Tbh, for every lot of parents/ILs taking advantage of their adult children there are probably the same number of adult children taking advantage of their parents/ILs. Most of my friends are newly retired and I would say that the majority of them spend half of their time doing things for their children - decorating, gardening, looking after the children. A friend's DH has recently installed new bathrooms in his DD's house, relaid all the floors, replaced a kitchen, etc., etc. I consider my DH got off lightly as recently he has only decorated the hall, stairs and landings of my DD's house!

I am not saying you are unreasonable at all to be concerned about your DH and it has obviously been a huge amount of work - he obviously feels that it is a way that he can repay them for previous kindnesses.

I really ought to stay away from IL posts, as I can often see things from the other side (there are some wonderful parents/ILs out there, but equally some horrendous ones!).

NamingOfParts Fri 23-Nov-12 13:49:27

MrsKeithRichards - I think your PiL need a reality check. They are leaching off your DH (no matter how nice they are the rest of the time).

If they ask for a single thing more to be done then my suggestion would be to say to them it will cost X for someone else to do this or DH will do it for Y. You can give them mates or family rates but you do have to beware of them totally taking you for granted.

I'm afraid that often people dont appreciate the things they get for free.

DH & I fitted a kitchen for my DM. This included clearing out the old kitchen, a full rewire (DH is an electrician) and full redecoration, tiling etc as well as kitchen fitting. Took the two of us 2 weeks.

DM paid us £1000 on top of the material costs (which she got at trade prices).

She had had quotes and felt she had a bargain.

googleberry Fri 23-Nov-12 13:34:30

Do you think they plan on giving dh any money after work is done? If not they are taking the pee, maybe dh needs to down tools if he is ill, his health surely comes first rather than mil doors?

CSIJanner Fri 23-Nov-12 13:18:23

Your DH will feel bad if he doesn't finish off the current jobs. If he still doesnt want to say no and MIL comes up with nothing else, tell them the job could be done for X amount of money over 'n' amount of time due to health issues, taking things easier and having £££ to support his own home & family.

I hate it when family take the pi$$

Hope it all gets settled soon.

mrskeithrichards Fri 23-Nov-12 12:02:10

I couldn't be that snidey, it's not me. Like I said we all get on great, this aside.

NotQuintAtAllOhNo Fri 23-Nov-12 12:00:32

And say it within earshot of FIL

NotQuintAtAllOhNo Fri 23-Nov-12 11:59:56

Next time she says he needs to rest say "yes we're looking forward to finishing up at your place, it's terrible watching him deteriorate but you know what he's like, he won't ever say no to his parents".

^ this

sleeplessinsuburbia Fri 23-Nov-12 11:55:05

I agree with quint.

Next time she says he needs to rest say "yes we're looking forward to finishing up at your place, it's terrible watching him deteriorate but you know what he's like, he won't ever say no to his parents".

Passive aggressive maybe but I'd be much more forward if it were my DH!

mrskeithrichards Fri 23-Nov-12 11:49:11

See my mil swans about paying very little attention to everything and will be deflecting any guilt she may feel in order to get a nice house. She acts daft, as if she is oblivious to everything. She'll be glossing over it all.

Fil would feel bloody awful if he knew how I felt. He's quite considerate but awkward if that makes sense. He probably is concerned and voiced it to mil but she'll go 'oh they're fine' and he'll not take it any further. I really love him to bits and would hate to make him feel bad. Her, however, well...

She better get me something nice for Christmas.

KenLeeeeeee Fri 23-Nov-12 11:47:22

Drink all her Baileys, puke on her coffee table and let her clean it up. I am sad and angry on your behalf, but realistically I don't think there's anything you can say about it without it causing a big drama and you ultimately feeling worse for it.

NotQuintAtAllOhNo Fri 23-Nov-12 11:43:42

Then puke on her coffee table.

mrskeithrichards Fri 23-Nov-12 11:36:26

I will drink all her Bailey's.

NotQuintAtAllOhNo Fri 23-Nov-12 11:35:27

You are going to spend Christmas in a beautiful shrine, and think about how much this has cost your own family in terms of money and health. sad Poor you.

mrskeithrichards Fri 23-Nov-12 11:35:27

They should know. He looks ill and they've been worried about him. They know we struggle money wise, they helped us out whilst dh couldn't work and it doesn't take a genius to figure out he's earning less than half what he used to and I'm on maternity leave now.

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