Mumsnet Talk

We generally get on great.

They bought a new house 6m ago that needed a lot of work. Their son, my dh, just happens to be a joiner to trade. It was assumed at the start he would do a lot of the work, think kitchen, stairway, floors, doors, front door and window, bathroom, facings, skirting and coordinating spark and plumber.

Dh and I initially quite happy with the arrangement, as I said they are generally lovely and have done a lot for us in the past and were happy to have a chance to say them back so to speak.

Since then it's been all consuming. Every night after work, at least one day at weekends, all through the summer, October holidays (dh generally working term time) not to mention going to merchants, ordering material, speaking to the other trades, me going up to be in for deliveries, frantic phone calls from them.

Add into the mix a few baby born in April, our 6 year old and the fact my dh has been really quite ill (graves disease) which is why he's only working part time. We're skint, this time of year he'd pick up a bit extra to see as through Christmas but he can't because of everything he's doing there. I'm fed up not seeing him until 8pm at night, tired.

I'm pissed off they haven't acknowledged the impact it's having on us.

He's almost done, a couple of more weeks and he's done. When I think of the money he's saved them it's incredible. When they completed on the house they gifted dh and his brother £1k. Which was nice. I just feel mad that dh has bust a gut for them, I've been left on my own loads at weekends and I don't know what to say to them. I'm mad with them I don't even want to see them and their stunning new place whilst I'm fretting about putting the heating on.

Am I a total cow?

no you are not a total cow and I can't believe they haven't offered your DH ANYTHING for doing all the work

they sound like reall nice, considerate people

No you are not, My OH is in a trade and has had to do a lot of favours for people recently friends and I'm expecting too so I can see this from your perspective, but your OH is ill so im surprised they've put on him do much.
I'm sure his parents do appreciate all the hard work he's done but I think given your OH has got a lot going on and is only able to work p/t his parents have been selfish- what had your OH said about it all?

I think they see the £1k as payment but I don't because bil got the same, he lives at the other side of the country and is useless at practical stuff and has only been to the house once.

Send them a discounted invoice

I doesn't sound like it's about the money, although it would be nice, but more about the lack of acknowledgement and the impact it's having on your dh's health and your general family life.

You have two small children and they are probably in bed when your dh gets home...when do they get to see their Dad?!

I can empathise with you, I love being at home with my ds but also like evenings and weekends where dh is there to help amd let me have a break, and do thigs like go to the loo without an audience! If your dh is out most of the time when do! you get a break?!

I had mil on the phone the other day in a tizzy (which is her normal setting really) as we'd just been told dh might need an op and she's banging on about how he has to take it easy.

Dh is torn. He's started so he'll finish but it was never meant to be this much work, it has grown arms and legs. She got a quote for the front door and window that was over £2k so I think she has considered lightening the load on him until she realised dh could get the same thing for £800 and fit it for fuck all.

I mean he's torn because it's his parents, they've helped us out before money wise and are generally ok I think they've just been overwhelmed by the work and relied on him more and more to sort it out.

I can understand your dh wanting to help them and finish what he has started but it must be very frustrating if your mil is telling YOU he needs to take it easy! Some people just don't think they themselves have an impact.

I think your dh really needs to address this as if you do as a dil you could be seen in a bad light. And you are worked up about it, quite rightly so, and may say something, however true, in a way it could cause friction.

I've just been avoiding them really for that reason, I might just say something I regret!

You're not a cow at all, it sounds like you want them to acknowledge the effort put in and the impact on your home life rather than it being about money, however do you think there is a chance they may give him something in a few weeks when its completed?

I know myself, as a dil, I get looked at more harshly although my inlaws are totally unhinged but that's another complaint another time!

But I do think you are in a difficult position, you won't want to complain to your dh or put more pressure on him and it is his parents plus if they are normally good you won't want to rock the boat.

I don't know what the best approach is, has your dh spoken to you about it? Is there an opportunity for you to speak to him or encourage him to even drop a night or two. He would still be helping them but slowing down a bit.

Maybe his parents would then realise the pressure they are putting in him.

If it was just a few jobs to help them, like hanging doors and putting a new bannister in etc on a weekend, whilst you were there with the kids having your lunch then i'd say YWBU

However it's not that at all is it? I feel your DH and you. You have to say something.

DH does all sorts for his parents, and so he should, he's their only son and they are getting on. He works shifts and is more than happy to pop round and do the heavy duty stuff for them. However, he also has a second job becuase we are so fucking skint which he fits in around his main job. His parents get all uppity with him when he takes a paying job over helping them out. He put up with it for a long time unitl he finally snapped and presented them with a bill for his hours.
He had no intention of actually taking any money from them, he just wanted to make them realise how much it 'cost' him when he could be doing other work.

To be honest, I would blow a friggin casket at them, and tell them that

1. They are putting enormous pressure on their son to save thousands
2. They are putting pressure on him despite him having to work part time because he is not well.
3. They are depriving the family of money as he spends so much time on their house that he has not had the chance to go out and earn
4. They are depriving your children of their dad, as he is hardly home.
5. Unless they are willing to pay him a bonus for his hard work, he wont be able to complete anything until after Christmas, as he needs to earn money to both put food on the table for Christmas and buy Christmas presents.
6. As his Wife and life partner you see it as your role to protect HIM and your family, and say what he cant bear to say to his own parents because his sense of duty is torn.

I don't think your being unreasonable at all. But it's his family and I think you need to leave it to him to deal with.

He just wants it over and done with and thinks one more push and that's it.

How much of what is left to be done is absolutely vital or time sensitive? (if that makes sense). Are the jobs still to be done simply about making the place look great or are they safety related? Could you possibly have a word with ILs quietly and say you are a bit worried about DH and think he would benefit from a bit of a break from constant work and he'll finish the house in Feb/March after he's recharged his batteries.

It's about looking great, it was perfectly liveable just dated.

She wants it all done for Christmas as we're all going there.

Do they know your struggling? They aren't mind readers, and if your dh is heading up there evenings and weekends maybe they assume he can do it and is able to. He is an adult and capable of telling them he is struggling, it's taking him from his family and costing him money.
Tell them, if they are reasonable and you say they are, I'm sure they understand if you TOLD them.

They should know. He looks ill and they've been worried about him. They know we struggle money wise, they helped us out whilst dh couldn't work and it doesn't take a genius to figure out he's earning less than half what he used to and I'm on maternity leave now.

You are going to spend Christmas in a beautiful shrine, and think about how much this has cost your own family in terms of money and health. Poor you.

I will drink all her Bailey's.

Then puke on her coffee table.

Drink all her Baileys, puke on her coffee table and let her clean it up. I am and on your behalf, but realistically I don't think there's anything you can say about it without it causing a big drama and you ultimately feeling worse for it.

See my mil swans about paying very little attention to everything and will be deflecting any guilt she may feel in order to get a nice house. She acts daft, as if she is oblivious to everything. She'll be glossing over it all.

Fil would feel bloody awful if he knew how I felt. He's quite considerate but awkward if that makes sense. He probably is concerned and voiced it to mil but she'll go 'oh they're fine' and he'll not take it any further. I really love him to bits and would hate to make him feel bad. Her, however, well...

She better get me something nice for Christmas.