AIBU To ask MIL to not smoke in her own house?

(92 Posts)
SackGirl Tue 20-Nov-12 12:02:22

Just a bit of back story, me and my partner have a 14 week old baby... We were living in a bedsit (which we are still renting, but not staying in) which has damp. My MIL suggested we move in to her house for the sake of my babies health - All the while making out she would not be smoking in the house saying things like 'Maybe it will give me a kick up the bum to quit having to smoke outside everytime I want a cigerette' and 'I'm quiting after this last pack' and 'It'll be nice not having the house smell of smoke... For the first 2 days of living back here she didn't smoke inside the house (baring in mind she works nights sometimes and so isn't always here, but gradually it's becomming more and more and I can smell it in the whole of the house. Had I known it would be like this I wouldnt have gone to the ENORMOUS effort of moving all of our things and decorating a room for us to move into. I've asked my partner to have a word with her and ask her to no longer smoke in the house, but he is very aprehensive as he and his mother have a very 'polite' relationship and never argue or confront eachother.

I'm tempted to just move out and go back to our bedsit as after research it seems like smoke in the house is actually more damaging and dangerous than damp to a baby...

So AIBU to ask her to not smoke in her own house given the situation

giveitago Wed 21-Nov-12 20:16:08

Sackgirl - you'll need to leave if she doesn't.

It must be so horribly awkward. However, it is her house.

Your dp must keep that line of communication going to get her to stop. If she doesn't then really, in the future when you have your own place ,you'll probably only want her to see your dcs in your smoke free home and certainly not want them to be in her home.

She must understand that.

Very much hope you find a decent place at some point. It's such a difficult market. We're in London with a huge mortage on a tiny flat with no garden and I don't see hope of an upgrade. Renting is even tougher. Best of luck to you.

SackGirl Wed 21-Nov-12 20:00:41

As I said, I'll see if she continues to go outside and if not we'll have to pack up and leave

SackGirl Wed 21-Nov-12 19:59:19

Thanks giveitago, I agree, the season I asked my partner to mention it instead of me is because I think it would be better received from him as everyone see's me as a worries and so tend to ignore my concerns, also I think its more his place to ask/remind her to go outside. Communication is key, but I don't want to come across as angry and because I feel strongly about not smoking in house with baby I'm worried I'd seem too forward

giveitago Wed 21-Nov-12 19:52:08

I think the 'silly wagon' was kind in offering. They could accept or refuse. She really shouldn't smoke around her grandson and I'm sure that if they reminded her nicely of the dangers she would probably stop again. And keep reminder her. The silly wagon let her daughter in law do up a room in her home.

Sounds like a home full of very nice people who are not communicating. I'm sure this can be sorted until OP finds a home more suitable.

AThingInYourLife Wed 21-Nov-12 19:31:14

"FFS AThing, no one forced OP to move in with her MiL. "

confused

So what?

No one forced the silly wagon to offer to house her baby grandson.

Once she made that offer she became morally obliged not to smoke in her house.

TidyDancer Wed 21-Nov-12 19:31:00

Wow. The OP is right, but I can't believe that rant! Never has so much been made of so little!

SackGirl Wed 21-Nov-12 19:25:11

lol kellyelly, I'm guessing Outraged is a torie voter!

KellyEllyChristmasBelly Wed 21-Nov-12 19:23:25

Wow just wow. I live in a one bedroom flat and DD shares a room with me at three. I must be a terrible parent who didn't think of my housing situation too. We don't all live in ivory towers. Maybe we should just leave it to the well off with more than two bedrooms to have babies.

giveitago Wed 21-Nov-12 19:20:58

1 - mil said she'd smoke outside and now she's not. How hard would it be to get to her smoke outside again? Perhaps she's just not that aware. My dgran used to look after me when parents at work and she was a chain smoker in her 1 bed flat Can you talk to her?

2. You've happily done up her room for your purpose. Your baby woudn't notice the difference in decor I'm sure. You're happy with that

So it's all awkward. The problem is that you are in her home. You are the mother of your family but not in your home.

Ultimately it's her home and she can do what she wants. I'd have thought that as a gp she'd want to not smoke around the baby and you need to lobby for this right now. But if she won't, she won't.

I very much hope you find suitable accomodation soon. I doubt I'd be happy too.

SackGirl Wed 21-Nov-12 19:18:16

outraged you shouldnt assume people dont have long term plans. Our bedsit was perfectly suitable for the mean time and we would have either moved to a larger private rented place after christmas or got a council house which there is no problem with as I have been on the list for a long time and it would be more affordable, I have thought of every avenue thank you very much and find it rude of you to assume that I hadnt

SackGirl Wed 21-Nov-12 19:16:52

yeah but when you first have a baby they stay in your room with you for atleast the first 6 months and seen as though its a shorthold tenancy I clearly do have a long term plan :/ A bedsit is fine for atleast the first 6 months especially if it is a decent sized one. I'm not passing off a problem, my anger is at the effort in moving as a family for no reason. When we could have stayed put if she hadnt persuaded me it would be better for my baby

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos Wed 21-Nov-12 19:09:33

Exactly! A bedsit isn't a long term viable option when you have a baby. So why am I so wrong for pointing out that OP should have thought about that before having a child if this is the situation she is now left in?

I completely understand why the OP feels pissed off. I don't understand why she is passing off a problem that is of her and her DHs making onto someone else who was clearly trying to be helpful.

SackGirl Wed 21-Nov-12 19:08:30

because council housing is a lot cheaper. I don't know what council housing is like in your area, but I have been on the list for 5 years... I dont understand your confusion, I am currently privately renting which living fairly close to london is very very expensive, so if I have the option of having somewhere more affordable why wouldn't I take it? Also She did give us signs of smoking outside... er by smoking outside :s which I have said many times above. When someone says that's what they are going to do would it not be rude of me to assume they are lying. If I tell someone I'm going to do something I do it. End of. I understand not every cares about 'their word' but didn't expect the grandmother of my child to go back on something that was always clearly an issue for us. I did think about housing, I got a private rented house. I didnt know strate off that it had damp, as it's not common place to get a 'survey' dont of a rented property that is usually only with properties you are buying.

pinkyredrose Wed 21-Nov-12 19:06:06

Outrageous she's probably on the council list because a bedsit isn't a viable long term option when you have a family.

People have babies in all kinds of situations, the OP came on here to ask advice about her MILs smoking not to have her decision to have a baby brought into question.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos Wed 21-Nov-12 18:58:55

Oh, and I didn't say you shouldn't have had a child because of damp. I said you should have thought about your housing before you had a child, which I stand by.

If you were happy with your housing before you had a child, why are you on the council list? confused

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos Wed 21-Nov-12 18:57:05

FFS AThing, no one forced OP to move in with her MiL.

It's the baby's parents that are responsible for it, and therefore the baby's parents that are responsible for making sure his health isn't at risk. I don't think you are wrong to be pissed off that your Mil hasn't tried harder to smoke outside, but I do think its unfair to put all the responsibility for this on her.

I still think it's unfair to make someone feel guilty for doing what they want in their own home. The MIL made an offer. To do you a favour. You didn't have to move in with her. If things were fine at your old place, and you weren't 100% certain that the house would be smoke free, why did you do it?

Surely most people would look for some sign that she actually meant that she would definitely go outside before going to all that effort and moving in? I'd have thought that anyone with an ounce of common sense would realise that right now is probably the hardest time of the year to take up the habit of going outside all the time.

Either way, it sounds like the offer from the MiL was made with the best of intentions and that she does

You are trying to make your DH talk to her about it, and I think you would be better off talking to her yourself, or just moving out.

SackGirl Wed 21-Nov-12 18:48:03

It scared the bejeesus out of me too - I haven't slept properly, I love my lil man so much if anything happened to him I don't know what I would do, I also have problems with health anxiety and so over worry about his health anyway, so to then have something that is FSIDS officially say is super damaging just sends me into a state of panic!! Depending on what she does over the next week we'll either be here until just after new years / feb - Or move back to our flat before xmas. I don't like people telling me I shouldnt have had a baby so maybe that did hit a nerve, I breast feed, my child has everything he needs plus more, I give him loads of attention, don't sit him infront of the telly, I have a loving partner who is an amazing dad so for someone to say I shouldnt have had a child because I had damp is outrageous

YouOldSlag Wed 21-Nov-12 18:41:49

I agree with you OP. The SIDS info scared the life out of me and I wouldn't even let smokers hold my baby if they had recently had one.

And I know how hard it is to give up but my baby came first. (former smoker, former non smoker, current casual smoker in my rainy backyard when kids are in bed)

SackGirl Wed 21-Nov-12 18:39:30

also she is his grandmother, not a stranger, you'd think shed care about his health, I thought thats why she asked us to move in :/ the damp in our flat is minimal so had she not suggested moving here we could have kept on top of it

SackGirl Wed 21-Nov-12 18:37:45

agreed pinkyredrose. calming down now that I see there are other people that take on board the new research and understand how bad it is

SackGirl Wed 21-Nov-12 18:36:35

and thanks AThingInYourLife I know I've been harsh, but what it really comes down to is babies health and well being so glad there are some people that know the facts

pinkyredrose Wed 21-Nov-12 18:36:14

OP you sound quite defensive but I think it's your right to be.

Your MIL has gone back on her word to smoke outside and as such your babys health is compromised. If I were you I'dbe extremely pissed off.

Fwiw I'm a smoker and I don't even smoke in my own house, I think smokey houses are vile. I certainly wouldn't smoke in front of a child.

SackGirl Wed 21-Nov-12 18:29:21

squeaky toy you are misinformed... carbon monoxide travels around the house within minutes and can be found to show excessive levels of it downstairs even if the smoker was upstairs. I think people are ill advised on the new research in smoking and babies

AThingInYourLife Wed 21-Nov-12 18:28:35

"if you are in a different room, then the risks are extremely minimal"

No. They are not.

SackGirl Wed 21-Nov-12 18:28:05

I dont want sympathy from people that change there minds about babies health because of my anger. No matter what anyone says I think smoking in the same house as a baby is wrong. I am actually astounded at the amount of people that think it's reasonable for a grandmother to offer a place for her grandchild to stay over winter... FOR THE BENEFIT OF HIS HEALTH and then to smoke in the same house. That's why I'm getting so angry.. Maybe you should take a look at the FSIDS guidlines and see the stats on how severe the effect of smoking is.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now