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AIBU To ask MIL to not smoke in her own house?

(92 Posts)
SackGirl Tue 20-Nov-12 12:02:22

Just a bit of back story, me and my partner have a 14 week old baby... We were living in a bedsit (which we are still renting, but not staying in) which has damp. My MIL suggested we move in to her house for the sake of my babies health - All the while making out she would not be smoking in the house saying things like 'Maybe it will give me a kick up the bum to quit having to smoke outside everytime I want a cigerette' and 'I'm quiting after this last pack' and 'It'll be nice not having the house smell of smoke... For the first 2 days of living back here she didn't smoke inside the house (baring in mind she works nights sometimes and so isn't always here, but gradually it's becomming more and more and I can smell it in the whole of the house. Had I known it would be like this I wouldnt have gone to the ENORMOUS effort of moving all of our things and decorating a room for us to move into. I've asked my partner to have a word with her and ask her to no longer smoke in the house, but he is very aprehensive as he and his mother have a very 'polite' relationship and never argue or confront eachother.

I'm tempted to just move out and go back to our bedsit as after research it seems like smoke in the house is actually more damaging and dangerous than damp to a baby...

So AIBU to ask her to not smoke in her own house given the situation

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos Wed 21-Nov-12 11:45:35

I think yabu.

She offered not to smoke in the house, but she struggles to carry it out. That's understandable, smoking is highly addictive and the weather is horrible at the moment.

If you don't want to have your baby in a smoky environment then move back to your bedsit, or put up with it until you get housed. It is not fair to make someone feel guilty for doing their own thing in their own home. Stop using the 'false pretences' thing as an excuse. It's your own fault for not having secure housing before you had a baby.

So u would allow someone to smoke in your house around your baby cos its ur fault for having friends who smoke there fore your child must suffer to prove a point?

It can contribute to killing a baby through cot death and lead to all sorts of health conditions. They r doing their best to sort the situation, but it's not an
Unreasonable ask for someone to keep toxic gases away from a baby. Owning a house doesn't excuse harming a child.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos Wed 21-Nov-12 12:49:20

confused

SackGirl Wed 21-Nov-12 17:35:19

outraged I did have a secure house and as I said before I am happy to move back you insolent nasty person. THE REASON I'M ANNOYED is the effort we went to, to move in, WHICH was her suggestion and we only moved in on the basis of her not smoking and now having to re-pack everything. How dare you talk to me in that way, what the hell is your problem, I have a house and everything for my baby he is spoilt rotten, it's the effort we went to in decorating her house for her, moving everything because she told us she wouldnt smoke (which i know is hard to give up as me and my partner both did if you would bother to read the whole thread which by the sounds of your pathetic attempt at a reply you havent) If you are just going to be plain rude and not listen to the actual thread get on your bike and go somewhere where the other scumbags dwell. As I'm sure you are the likes of the 'Jeremy Kyle Show' from the things you have just said. I feel sorry for any children you may have, poor things

SackGirl Wed 21-Nov-12 17:44:06

Also a lot can happen in the 10 months of being pregnant (not to me, but to many) we were lucky enough to have a secure privately rented accommodation, of which I am in a tenancy agreement hence not being able to move right now you ignorant piece of crap - I'm in a loving relationship, with our own home, which was suggested BY the MIL to move out of over the winter as she thought it would be nicer for the baby, to then go and smoke in the house. There's a lot of people who aren't in a loving relationship. without a home, without ANY family having children so I don't really know how you can judge two people who can give their child a home, all necessities, love and attention. It's hardly our fault we were lied to in the first place before we moved.

KitchenandJumble Wed 21-Nov-12 17:59:58

Wow, that post was really rude, OP. Nothing that OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos said warrants that kind of attack. She was being perfectly reasonable in expressing her POV.

SackGirl Wed 21-Nov-12 18:13:46

Not really... she was implying I got pregnant without having a home for my child. I was correcting her as I clearly did/do have a home. She also thinks its okay to just disregard the fact that we were lied to which is the whole point of the post. So really everything she said was invalid, pointless and said for no other reason than to be rude. If you can point out which bits had a valid point to them and how she thinks it's okay to smoke in the house of a 14 week baby, when we were informed this would not be the case then maybe i'll re-evaluate my reply. If you can't then everything I said still stands

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos Wed 21-Nov-12 18:14:30

grin

I think you might have more to worry about than your MILs nicotine habit! If I hit a raw nerve with my words, I apologise for any offence caused.

KitchenandJumble, thank you.

worldsgreatest Wed 21-Nov-12 18:16:35

shock

WorraLiberty Wed 21-Nov-12 18:19:00

I don't think your MIL 'lied' OP.

I think she tried and failed at smoking outside.

Personally I would have been dubious that she'd be able to manage to do that if she's used to smoking indoors...what with heading into Winter.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos Wed 21-Nov-12 18:22:13

But you don't have a home for your child. You have a damp bedsit or a room in a house where you feel your baby's health is being put at risk. You are waiting for a council house.

Sorry, but someone in that situation doesn't have a secure home.

The main point of my post, which you chose to ignore, is that your MiL has made some effort, but is finding it difficult. That's understandable.

SackGirl Wed 21-Nov-12 18:22:22

The raw nerve is not making a valid point, also people always use the 'hit a raw nerve' when someone gets angry because it in some way makes them feel smug about themselves, when really I am realising you obviously have some bitter problem, we have money, a home (albeit which has a bit of damp, being in the UK there are a lot of houses with this and I am in a contract so can't just cancel that as i'll lose our massive deposit) I was happy to stay there it was under the MIL suggestion to move, so we did as she said she would be smoking outside... Surely the false pretences 'excuse' is the whole point of the story so to tell me to stop talking about it makes the whole thread pointless... and if you think it is pointless, why are you replying? I just feel sorry for children who have parents that will compromise their childs health and I imagine you must be one of those people/ would be if you had children. If it was my health at risk I wouldnt give a S*&^ but it's not, it's my childs. SHE was the one who said she wouldn't smoke in the house, so I don't understand how that makes me the bad person for getting annoyed when she did, everyone with half a brain cell knows the health implications to a child. So get a grip outraged and take the stick out ya bum

SackGirl Wed 21-Nov-12 18:22:56

So anyone in the uk with a bit of damp doesnt have a secure home? that's a lot of people.

AThingInYourLife Wed 21-Nov-12 18:24:49

"It is not fair to make someone feel guilty for doing their own thing in their own home."

If that thing is putting a baby's life at risk, then yes it is absolutely fair.

The OP is right - what kind of grandmother exposes a 14 week old baby to a massively increased risk of cot death because they like smoking where it's warm?

glastocat Wed 21-Nov-12 18:24:58

Wow!shock. I had some sympathy until I read that tirade!

squeakytoy Wed 21-Nov-12 18:27:11

"but what kind of woman smokes in a house with a baby in"

Probably one that smoked in the house when she had her own baby.

I can understand that you wouldnt want her smoking if she was holding the baby, or even in the same room, but if you are in a different room, then the risks are extremely minimal, and I very much doubt any more dangerous than the exhaust fumes, and other chemicals that your child will be exposed to on a daily basis.

AThingInYourLife Wed 21-Nov-12 18:27:45

I still have sympathy after the tirade. Outraged was pretty fucking rude herself.

She basically said that a baby whose parents don't have secure housing deserves to be exposed to the risks of smoking.

SackGirl Wed 21-Nov-12 18:28:05

I dont want sympathy from people that change there minds about babies health because of my anger. No matter what anyone says I think smoking in the same house as a baby is wrong. I am actually astounded at the amount of people that think it's reasonable for a grandmother to offer a place for her grandchild to stay over winter... FOR THE BENEFIT OF HIS HEALTH and then to smoke in the same house. That's why I'm getting so angry.. Maybe you should take a look at the FSIDS guidlines and see the stats on how severe the effect of smoking is.

AThingInYourLife Wed 21-Nov-12 18:28:35

"if you are in a different room, then the risks are extremely minimal"

No. They are not.

SackGirl Wed 21-Nov-12 18:29:21

squeaky toy you are misinformed... carbon monoxide travels around the house within minutes and can be found to show excessive levels of it downstairs even if the smoker was upstairs. I think people are ill advised on the new research in smoking and babies

pinkyredrose Wed 21-Nov-12 18:36:14

OP you sound quite defensive but I think it's your right to be.

Your MIL has gone back on her word to smoke outside and as such your babys health is compromised. If I were you I'dbe extremely pissed off.

Fwiw I'm a smoker and I don't even smoke in my own house, I think smokey houses are vile. I certainly wouldn't smoke in front of a child.

SackGirl Wed 21-Nov-12 18:36:35

and thanks AThingInYourLife I know I've been harsh, but what it really comes down to is babies health and well being so glad there are some people that know the facts

SackGirl Wed 21-Nov-12 18:37:45

agreed pinkyredrose. calming down now that I see there are other people that take on board the new research and understand how bad it is

SackGirl Wed 21-Nov-12 18:39:30

also she is his grandmother, not a stranger, you'd think shed care about his health, I thought thats why she asked us to move in :/ the damp in our flat is minimal so had she not suggested moving here we could have kept on top of it

YouOldSlag Wed 21-Nov-12 18:41:49

I agree with you OP. The SIDS info scared the life out of me and I wouldn't even let smokers hold my baby if they had recently had one.

And I know how hard it is to give up but my baby came first. (former smoker, former non smoker, current casual smoker in my rainy backyard when kids are in bed)

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