to be hurt by comments about my DS from friends staying with us?

(84 Posts)
Petershadow Tue 20-Nov-12 11:15:40

Or do I need to get a thicker skin?

Separate comments made by both of them

"ooh, just what you need, more sugar"

"yes, that's what you should have, more sugar"

DS is very active, borderline hyperactive

In no way does he have too much sugar.
One of the occasions he had just got up, one of the occasions, he had just had weetabix for breakfast

Dh thinks it was a bit out of order too.

OovoofWelcome Tue 20-Nov-12 11:33:40

They were rude. But the moment to make a response has passed.

You just need to decide what to say the next time they say something snide.

"Please don't make derogatory remarks about my son or any member of my family," accompanied by a steely glare feels about right grin

SamSmalaidh Tue 20-Nov-12 11:33:42

Are you sure they're not just making a joke?

It's the kind of thing I could imagine saying if DS is being particularly hyper.

THERhubarb Tue 20-Nov-12 11:33:51

Without being there, how are we to know?

Why would they comment on him having more sugar unless they had seen him having sugar? Your OP makes little sense.

You say that your ds had weetabix without sugar, so why then would they have said that?

I think there may be more to your OP than you are letting on. But in any case, it's entirely up to you. If they feel there is a problem that could be their way of trying to tell you.

Rather than post it on Mumsnet for justification as to your upset, I would pull them up on it. Next time you are with them just mention it to them and ask them if they thought your ds had too much sugar. It might have just been a silly throwaway comment or they might really have concerns. In any case it would be a good chance for you to explain about your ds and the evidence against sugar being an influencing factor in hyperactivity.

THERhubarb Tue 20-Nov-12 11:36:04

I think for both of them to say it on separate occasions, it would indicate that they are concerned about the amount of sugar your ds has.

It may not be any of their business but I still wonder why they would have said that if you supposedly do not have sugar in the house? And if you don't have sugar in the house, where did you get yours from to put on your weetabix? Or have I misread that?

No shock

Wrong thread sorry!

OxfordBags Tue 20-Nov-12 11:40:06

This makes me angry for your DS. It's HIS home, not theirs, and it's much easier for adults out of their own routine to be flexible, instead of a child. How dare they stay as guests with a family and criticise a vital member of that family?! Just because he's a child does not mean he should not be respected. The fact that you personally don't even know them that well is even worse - they enjoy the hospitality of someone not that close and then insult her child and by that, cast aspersions on her mothering skills and choices? Very bad behaviour.

Perhaps because he is one of your Dh's best friends, they feel they can speak that way, but that's still not acceptable. Seeing as they think such a close alliance allows plain speaking, get your Dh to have a word. Doesn't have to be aggressive, just tell them that you were both were hurt and offended by the way they spoke to and about your son and that it was not their place to offer so-called advice or observations.

Or, as they live abroad, it would be easier than usual to just let the friendship drift...

PS I have a crazily-energetic DS too (and he doesn't actually like sweet food!). One thing people don't get is that this can actually be an absolute joy. smile

Petershadow Tue 20-Nov-12 11:40:19

see 11.31 post

"more sugar" does suggest that they think he has too much

In their company he had weetabix, and a snacky picnic lunch of tomatoes, cucumber, celery, crackers, ham and cheese

and fruit

and sandwiches

OxfordBags Tue 20-Nov-12 11:42:40

THERhubarb, many people make comments about sugar or sweet food in connection to energetic or hyper kids. It's just such a powerful belief in society that folk trot it out without the slightest evidence ot knowledge of the child's diet.

Petershadow Tue 20-Nov-12 11:44:15

considering they didn't see him eat anything unhealthy, "more sugar" would suggest that they thought that too much sugar was a general reason for his behaviour. No?

Or maybe I'm just overthinking and they were just saying "you are active enough, you don't need sugar"
but I even think that's a bit rude

THERhubarb Tue 20-Nov-12 11:48:33

Petershadow.

This is why you are confusing me.
You stated that you had no sugar in the house. Yet you said that you were getting some to put on your porridge.
You had also made a chocolate cake, which unless I am very much mistaken, will need sugar. So you either do have sugar in the house or you don't.

Also, if your ds had not eaten any sugary treats in their presence then why would they make the comment at all?

The fact is that you said BOTH had made this comment on two separate occasions. Occasions on which, you said, your ds was NOT having any sugar at all.

Therefore your post does not make any sense.

Petershadow Tue 20-Nov-12 11:49:14

TheRhubarb???!!
DS didn't have sugar on his weetabix.
I didn't have weetabix, I had porridge, for the first time since my microwave has been fixed. And I went to put sugar on it, and we didn't have any, because no-one uses it. Hope that makes sense!

I don't have to see them that often, maybe once a year. Other friends in the circle have more children and are great with DS, they don't raise their eyebrows at all.
They are lovely, this surprised me.

Petershadow Tue 20-Nov-12 11:50:02

Er, the chocolate cake was a packet mix blush !!!

Petershadow Tue 20-Nov-12 11:51:12

TheRhubarb, please see my post of 11.31 as to when/why/how the comments were made

I'm not making this up!!

THERhubarb Tue 20-Nov-12 11:51:27

BTW I agree that it is none of their business and I agree that there is a tendency to think that over active children must somehow be fed sugar by their parents. Sometimes children do have unhealthy diets which does not help their hyperactivity disorder and sometimes children have the healthiest diet ever and it does not make any difference.

I am not giving my opinion on this particular scenario as we don't personally know the OP, or her ds and can only take her word that he eats healthily.

I am stating that the OP is confusing.

SamSmalaidh Tue 20-Nov-12 11:52:06

I think it was probably just a joke, rather than a deliberate point about his diet.

ExitPursuedByABrrrrrrr Tue 20-Nov-12 11:53:20

My DD has sugar in her tea.

<shoots self>

Petershadow Tue 20-Nov-12 11:54:37

Sam- even if it was a joke, they are commenting on the fact that he is a little bit hyperactive, is that a bit rude?
I wouldn't do it, unless I knew someone very well

You're probably right, they'd probably be horrified if they knew I was upset

THERhubarb Tue 20-Nov-12 11:55:35

Petershadow

Right, perhaps it would help if you had explained that as I am not generally known for my mind reading powers.
Mind you if you nobody had sugar in the house then why would you look for some for your porridge? Hey ho!

Still confused over these friends. They offered pastries yet made that comment about your ds?
And another comment when your ds didn't touch the chocolate cake?

I don't get it. Sorry.

Bring it up in conversation and explain the sugar connection to them. Or just ignore them. I don't know!

Egusta Tue 20-Nov-12 11:56:23

I agree with OxfordBags about they need to respect your son because it is HIS home.

And people do make assumptions. I am still very very sore over a dinner party guest of ours suggesting there was something psychologically wrong with our DS because his behaviour was 'erratic and disturbing'. HE IS 2 AND HAVING A FUCKING TANTRUM.

and breathe.

My dear old dad has a favourite phrase in these situations. 'Tell 'em, Fuck 'em'.

Labootin Tue 20-Nov-12 11:56:30

Yabu but only because of the packet mix...

catstail Tue 20-Nov-12 11:58:40

they are trying to empathise with you by being funny, they dont mean it literally about "more sugar", they already know hes not having much sugar

SamSmalaidh Tue 20-Nov-12 11:59:31

Is it rude to comment that a child is hyperactive confused - I think people often make jokes of children's behaviour as a way of sort of empathising with the parents too.

Petershadow Tue 20-Nov-12 12:01:15

Rhubarb--- It's not a rule that we don't have sugar in the house.
But I went to the sugar bowl thing this morning and there was none there.

I only brought sugar up because someone assumed he had it on his weetabix. The actual sugar product, not just in food.

Actually I started a thread a while ago asking do you have sugar in your tea or on your cereal, as I was curious
Under a different name though, so you're probably still not going to believe me!! grin

Petershadow Tue 20-Nov-12 12:04:03

catstail- that makes sense

Rhubarb, I think it is confusing, Because why comment if you haven't seen the child eat any sugary food. Exactly. That's kind of the point.
Why would they say that, they have no evidence. in my head they are assuming he is like he is because he generally has a diet with too much sugar

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