to not speak to my son about how his manner might have meant he asked to be pushed and taunted?

(73 Posts)
mrskeithrichards Tue 20-Nov-12 09:26:37

Ds Is 7. He came out of school sad yesterday because at break time 4 boys were pushing him, pulling his coat and bag and calling him fat.

I didn't get a chance to speak to the teacher but spoke to my son and agreed I'd go to the line with him this morning and speak to her. From what he said it was being dealt with, they went to the head and are losing break today. I just felt it's important for me to speak to the teacher so he knows I take him seriously.

She seen us approaching and asked if we were o.k. I said 'we're fine, miniKeith is just a bit apprehensive about break after what happened yesterday' so not accusing, not shouting or anything. She goes onto say 'yes we'll be talking about it in class today and could you speak to miniKeith at home? The way he approaches people to join in games sets him up for this sort of thing'

Wtf?

mortimersraven Tue 20-Nov-12 09:28:50

Did she tell you how exactly his approach 'sets him up'?

The teacher needs to be giving you more detail on how his "approach sets him up". And his approach is no excuse for other boys to be pushing him around.

GilbGeekette Tue 20-Nov-12 09:31:22

I'd be wanting a bit more info from the teacher personally. Saying he "sets him[self] up for this sort of thing" isn't very helpful!

I'd ask for more details from her before speaking to him. I've known kids who'se idea of asking if they join in a game of football is to nick the football. I'm not saying that your DS is doing this but you need to know what she means.

mrskeithrichards Tue 20-Nov-12 09:31:37

She said friendships are a bit of an issue, he's asking people if their his best friend.

Furoshika Tue 20-Nov-12 09:33:01

1. No comment until she says what she thinks he's doing that annoys the other kids so much.
2. If it's valid, why not talk to him? Poor kid might just need a gentle steer away from trying to boss people around (for example).

BeerTricksPott3r Tue 20-Nov-12 09:33:54

Then that needs to be addressed and she should have talked to you before about it.

I know children at school who do that - they are not 'asking' to be pushed around and called names.

Strawhatpirate Tue 20-Nov-12 09:34:16

Poor Minikeith is he ok? He is in no way responsible for this sad I would ask the teacher to elaborate and then talk to the head teacher. Blaming the victim is no way to deal with bullying.

mrskeithrichards Tue 20-Nov-12 09:36:16

But it's, thankfully, the first time he's came to me with an issue like this. I don't want to say to him 'well you can stop them behaving like that, it's your job to adjust your behaviour' I spent a lot of time last night reassuring him he'd done nothing wrong.

bitsofmeworkjustfine Tue 20-Nov-12 09:36:32

ahh bless him, she shouldnt have said that, and if she is aware that is a problem she should be doing something in class about letting others join in your games.

if he wasnt constantly rebuffed, then joining would be easier IYSWIM?

Mrsjay Tue 20-Nov-12 09:38:13

even if mini keith has a different approach what does that even mean anyway confused he doesnt need to be pushed about and called fat, I would ask for an appointment and say well he doesnt need to be pushed about does he, he is maybe over friendly or 'something' but the teacher was evasive and dismissive imo

mrskeithrichards Tue 20-Nov-12 09:39:23

I'm getting angrier now! I specifically asked about his social skills at parents evening as I am worried he's a bit intense. He has one 'best friend' and can rely on him a bit much. She said everything was fine.

Strawhatpirate Tue 20-Nov-12 09:39:32

I agree with Beertricks nothing justifies four boys ganging up on him.

We had an episode of DS at the age of 6 getting very upset that people wouldn't play with him. We discussed this with his teacher and getting got him to understand that he couldn't just go up to kids and say you should play my game now. He learned to ask if he could join in and now at the age of 8 is happily playing with the other kids in the playground. Tag games seem to be the most popular game.

Furoshika Tue 20-Nov-12 09:40:02

No but you can say 'you know, people don't like X (behaviour)' - when you find out what it is and if she has a point - 'if you want to play then what about doing Y'. Guidance not judgement.

We banned the use of 'best friend' for ages - mainly because at 6, DS1 had a good friend whose company we didn't enjoy for various reasons and secondarily because it's so emotive to little kids who can't use the term with any maturity.

mrskeithrichards Tue 20-Nov-12 09:42:00

That's my thinkin, his lack of social skills aside, they acted very badly and he needs to see that's their fault, not his. And fat? He's not even bloody fat. They are just scrawny wee scraps! He was worried about eating his porridge this morning in case it made him fat.

Mrsjay Tue 20-Nov-12 09:42:46

She said everything was fine.

sometimes things change and evolve are you worried about his social skills do you think he is a bit intense ? try and not be angry about it

diddl Tue 20-Nov-12 09:43:17

Well, rightly or wrongly I think I would be tempted to tell him that not everyone might appreciate his approach-so that he´s prepared for a negative response.

But also the other kids should just say no thanks, they don´t want to play.

Bullying is never acceptable.

MulledWineOnTheBusLady Tue 20-Nov-12 09:44:18

So asking people if they're his best friend means the teacher sees it as inevitable that he gets beaten up? confused Gee, I'd hate to spend my breaks in that staffroom. Red in tooth and claw.

5inabed Tue 20-Nov-12 09:44:49

I know lots of kids who go about asking people to be their "best friend" and saying "you are my friend x, arent you?". My nearly 7 year old dd does this as does a lot of her peers, not sure what he has done to be pushed around, perhaps the teacher should be concentrating on the children who are doing the pushing rather than this ridiculous approach of let's change the behaviour of the wee soul who just wants someone to play with. Thats made me feel really sad that he feels sad then the teacher is making out it's his fault. Children of his age are just learning social skills and I would rather have a friendly child than a wee bugger that thinks it fine to push other kids about.

Strawhatpirate Tue 20-Nov-12 09:45:17

Sorry posted too soon! I meant to add that even if it was just one other boy, to justify a pupil being assualted for having an unconventional approach to friendship is horrible.

mrskeithrichards Tue 20-Nov-12 09:45:59

I should prepare him to accept that 4 boys might push him about because of the way he is?

Mrsjay Tue 20-Nov-12 09:47:32

what 5inabedsaid
DD was pushed about and thrown against railings when she was 10 at school i got a phonecall there had been an 'incident' and Miss jay had been trying to join in a game with some boys and was being persistant (sp) so they threw her against railings, I was fuming

Furoshika Tue 20-Nov-12 09:47:43

Did she justify it, or say 'this might be why it's happened'? Very different.
The children are being punished so nobody thinks they are justified, surely?

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