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To not meet the Mother of DH's "surprise dd"?

(72 Posts)
MrsCantSayAnything Tue 20-Nov-12 07:35:36

It's a long story so I'll condense it. It sounds horribly Jerry Springer too....DH is from another country....an engish speaking one which is a long way away.

We met 12 years ago and now have 2 children aged 8 and 4. We live in the UK.

WHen our DD1 was only 3, we had a phonecall from his MOther to tell us that an old girlfriend of his back in his country had called her and wanted DHs number.

She called DH and broke the news that she had his child and she was at the time nearly 10 years old.

DH had known this woman since school and when they were in their early 20s she had left the city they grew up in and one day she came back for a visit, DH and she had a one week fling.

She was at this time engaged to another man. She left to go back to her city and her fiancee and DH thought no more of this and never heard from her again. He knew she was engaged.

It turns out, she got pregnant and passed DHs child off as her fiancee's.

The time she rang us when DD was 3, it was to tell DH that he had a child. She had split with her by then, husband who asked for a DNA test...so it all came out.

He had been raising DHs child.

DH had a DNA test which we did via postal services but when we saw a picture of the little girl we knew she was his anyway. The DNA test was positive.

Since then, DH has struggled to maintain contact with them, the MOther is not a secure person, ...he's signed an agreement thing so the woman gets her child payments from the government over there, which DH pays to them...and he has been over to visit. We used all our savings for this because the main thing was that his poor DD could meet him

Contact is not great because his DD is now 15 and not that keen,...she barely knows DH... her Mum isn't a lot of help and moves around a lot...sometimes forgetting to update us with numbers etc. His DD wont keep in touch herself but if DH can call and get her MUm, she usually chats.

We're going back there this Christmas to stay wth DHs mum and DHs Mum has invited them to her home for lunch. I' am a bit unhappy about it....I want to meet DHs child but not her MOther over lunch!

It's going to feel very awkward! AIBU? I genuinely do not know. The woman is not known for her pleasant behaviour....she's spiky and when I talked to her on Skype at the start of all this, she asked me what dress size I am! shock

What do I do? Go out when they come? That means I won't get to meet DHs DD in the flesh so to speak... which I want to!

firefliesinjune Tue 20-Nov-12 07:40:45

Tough situation. If it were me I would meet them. The DDs Mum as you describe her sounds a bit hmm so your DH probably would like some support and its a good idea that you meet his DD. It may be awkward and its unpredictable but you sound clued up so I am sure you can handle whatever the day brings!

MrsCantSayAnything Tue 20-Nov-12 07:40:47

Sorry it's epic.

MrsCantSayAnything Tue 20-Nov-12 07:42:30

I'm really, really shy which I think is a problem. I find any social gathering hard plus I am ashamed to say that I feel animosity to the woman. SHe lied horribly and DH has had a really hard time accepting that he missed his little girl's childhood.

ZillionChocolate Tue 20-Nov-12 07:43:38

YANBU to not want to meet the mother but I think you might have to. It sounds to me like DH's surprise daughter is quite vulnerable. If she wants her mum there for support then that trumps your discomfort IMO.

InNeedOfBrandy Tue 20-Nov-12 07:45:12

What a situation! With regards to feeling awkward I expect she will feel the most awkward being the outsider if that makes sense? Keep a stock of all the MN favourites like did you mean to be so rude if she starts on dress size and the like. What country is it?

MrsCantSayAnything Tue 20-Nov-12 07:46:22

Really? Im not sure it's because DHs DD is needing support, more that her Mum won't let her DO anything on her own.

When DH went over there, he was there for 2 weeks in a hotel and not once, did he get to take his DD out shopping or anything. He had to go over to their house and sit around there...with the woman's new boyfriend and his DD and the woman.

BeeBawBabbity Tue 20-Nov-12 07:48:28

Sounds like a difficult situation all right, but for the sake of his daughter I think you should keep your feelings to yourself. Or I guess there's nothing stopping you going out for a few hours while they're over? The daughter is probably feeling all weird about it too.

MrsCantSayAnything Tue 20-Nov-12 07:48:29

Brandy she's very rude. I can understand DHs mum inviting them though. She's a terribly sociable woman and probably has a dream of it all being happy famiiles. hmm

Can't I just leave a nice gift for the DD and go to see an old friend of mine in another city? Everyone will be more comfy without me anyway! DH isn't bothered either way but I can tell he's nervous about me meeting this woman because she's a bit "Alpha" is his way of describing her.

MrsCantSayAnything Tue 20-Nov-12 07:49:18

I don't want to be conspicuous either way! Gah. It's a shitty thing.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Tue 20-Nov-12 07:52:46

Um, did the woman actually know all along that the DD's father was you DH, or did she believe her fiancé was the most likely father.

Do you know if the DD still has contact with her mum's ex?

So your DH's mum has invited them both - I guess she felt that was for the best and I don't think it's unreasonable, leaving aside any question of personality, does DH's mum see the DD much?

InNeedOfBrandy Tue 20-Nov-12 07:53:36

No especially if she's quite alpha you have to be there to mark your place

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos Tue 20-Nov-12 07:54:18

I think you have to be there and meet her. I'm assuming this will be the first time your dc meet their half sister? In which case, you should be there to support them, and your DH, in making the whole thing as positive an experience as possible.

If you make it obvious that you don't want to meet, it is likely to cause problems, especially if the Mum isn't the nicest of people. I think you have to focus on the relationships that are most important here, your DHs with his dd, and your dcs with their sister. Unfortunately, your needs are not the priority in this situation so your role has to be a supportive one.

deXavia South Korea Tue 20-Nov-12 07:54:43

I think this is one situation where whatever you do will be wrong. Present and leave looks like you didn't want to meet her (and rude IMHO). Staying and suffering means you'll be miserable and so might others.

Personally I would stay but make sure I was busy, as naff as it sounds bake a cake in the kitchen or the equivalent so you are there but a step removed. You have excuses to step out, but at least you are there. The alternative is can you all go out somewhere so you're not confounded to the house? Again you're there but chances for everyone to step back.

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere Tue 20-Nov-12 07:55:49

I don't think you should drop a gift and run. I think you should stay and get and meet the child and support your family as best you can, even though it will no doubt be quite a trial for you! I would feel the same as you do in the circumstances.

TroublesomeEx Tue 20-Nov-12 07:55:59

If I were you, I'd go. I wouldn't want to go either, but I think you should partly to support your husband and partly to make your presence felt. IYKWIM.

She sounds a bit odd and is someone your husband had a week long fling with 15 years ago, but she might decide to get a bit territorial given that she was there 'first'. Some people are a bit strange. If you're not there, you've no idea how she might interpret it.

I think it's perfectly reasonable that the girl would want her mum there - it's a massive deal for her to be meeting you all (I take it she'll meet your children too?)

PropositionJoe Tue 20-Nov-12 07:56:04

Is the other country warm enough for you to meet them both and then after an hour or so go out for a walk? I don't think that woukd look rude, I'm sure everyone would understand.

MrsBucketxx Tue 20-Nov-12 07:58:00

go along, big smiles, be friendly, very freindly. it will throw her as sh is probably expecting you to be frosty. kill her with kindness

its one day after all. dd is 15 and can make her own decisions about contact.

she sounds like a vile woman btw.

TroublesomeEx Tue 20-Nov-12 07:58:29

x post - if she's a bit 'alpha' then I think you definitely need to make your presence felt.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Tue 20-Nov-12 08:05:47

Can you think of your role as looking after your own DCs to give your DH most time with his DD? The other woman is incidental to your "job" that day.

ENormaSnob Tue 20-Nov-12 08:06:55

I wouldn't be happy either mrs.

Overcooked Tue 20-Nov-12 08:07:32

United front are the first words that came to me, you need to be there, show you are a unit.

Well, the other woman is completely irrelevant - it's just someone he used to bonk 15 years ago - I'm sure if she's in any way sniffy with you it would be noticed by the others.

The important thing is for you to be there for the daughter and be welcoming, particularly if the mum's flakey - she might end up studying over here with you wink

mrskeithrichards Tue 20-Nov-12 08:11:15

She does sound awful but you need to be there.

What do your children know and think about it all?

MrsCantSayAnything Tue 20-Nov-12 08:21:14

I see what you're all saying but I feel no need to mark my territory. It IS mine...no question.

I do see that it might be hard on my DDs though if Im not there.

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