to object to ex taking 2 year old dd 3 hours away to stay at his girlfriend's house?

(80 Posts)

Background: split with ex 6 months ago- cheating bastard. In the time since split he has seen dd every 2-3 weeks although has gone 4 weeks without seeing her at times. He has chosen to move 200+ miles away (initially to be with OW but then they split up). Arrangements have been that he comes for the weekend, I was actually letting him stay at my house for a while, before he became unbearable.

So, now that he is settled in a "serious relationship" with another woman(!) who he has been seeing three months he wants to:

a) introduce her to dd (I'm fairly certain this has already happened last week behind my back but he won't admit to it)

b) take her to stay at new woman's house for weekends - he will come and pick her up, bring her back etc. (he has no proper home of his own, lives in digs)

AIBU to not want to allow this??

Firstly, the travelling is an issue for poor dd in the car for 3 hours each way. Also, I can't stress enough that he is nowhere near a hands-on dad. He won't even change nappies and as soon as dd starts saying "no" to him, he can't handle it. So I am concerned that his relationship with dd is not close enough yet that she will be fine with just daddy and a strange woman. I just can't cope with the thought of him letting this woman do everything for my baby, which I know is going to happen. And the thought of my lovely girl being sad or wondering where mummy is.

Fairylea Mon 19-Nov-12 16:03:19

I've seen a solicitor a few times about similar.

Effectively if he is on the birth certificate then he has automatic parental responsibility (and even if he doesn't have this it would be granted by a court anyway) so in the eyes of the law he has as much right as you do to take your child wherever he likes and introduce them to whom he pleases etc etc.

If you have serious doubts about his parenting ability then you need to voice this to a solicitor but that is a separate issue and to be honest if he has had unsupervised visits until now a court would most likely be uninterested in changing anything.

I'm sorry. I know that's not what you wanted.

LtEveDallas Mon 19-Nov-12 16:03:54

Also, I can't stress enough that he is nowhere near a hands-on dad. He won't even change nappies and as soon as dd starts saying "no" to him, he can't handle it

I also hate changing nappies - but guess what, when I have no choice, I have to do it - so will he.

In the time since split he has seen dd every 2-3 weeks although has gone 4 weeks without seeing her at times

Re-word it - He saw her every day for 2 years whilst we were together. In the last 6 months (26 weeks) he has seen her 10-13 times. That's more than a deployed soldier would see his child in 6 months...children adjust.

That's the "equal parent" of a drunk who uses the TV as a babysitter

WTF? Are we reading the same OP? Do you always make up your own stories AThing?

VinegarTits Mon 19-Nov-12 16:04:39

nothing in your op suggests your dd would come to any harm and your agruments dont stand up and do make you look slightly bitter im afraid

MissCellania Mon 19-Nov-12 16:06:14

OP hasn't mentioned any drinking at all. Please stop adding your own details to the story, AThing, it isn't helpful.

Fairylea Mon 19-Nov-12 16:06:43

Also... sorry but a court would not be interested in the travel. I moved 250 miles away from my ex and we shared the travel for dd to go to see him every other weekend since she was 6 months old. She is now 9 years old and ironically enough he's moved to USA so that's even more long distance.. she sees him every holiday for a week or so.

AThing- you get what i mean, i wanted to say about the equal parent comment but was worried i would be flamed.

Ok, before we split he did not see her every day- he used to work away, coming home every 1/2 weekends.

My opinion: He doesn't know enough about her. I have suggested they build a relationship so that he can get to know her better but where she can still come home. We can then see how it goes and look at her staying with him in a few months. He is too impatient to do this, wants her to go and stay in a couple of weeks. He is lazy when it comes to parenting- anything hard like changing nappies, getting dressed- he will refuse to do it (so i know this girlfriend will end up doing it) He actually brought her back from the park to my house so I would change her nappy as she had pooed. I was actually in the bath and BELIEVE ME I refused to do it, he was capable etc etc. But in the end he forced me to as she had already been in the nappy 20 minutes and I couldn't let her suffer just because he is a selfish twat.

I am aware I come across bitter, I suppose I am. But I spend EVERY DAY with my baby girl and I only want the best for her and I genuinely believe this is a bad idea.

Also, I am not trying to prevent him being a father, I have fought with him to stay in her life when he decided "It's not worth it"(the hassle) I don't want her to ever have to think her daddy left her. I know the importance of their relationship and have made massive allowances (like letting him stay in my house! and lending him money for travel) to ensure he sees her.

So, in a court, a judge will rule that she can go and stay in a stranger's home?

Fairylea Mon 19-Nov-12 16:44:33

But she is not a stranger is she? She is your exes partner.

That's how a court would see it I'm afraid.

The same way that if you met a new partner or boyfriend it would have nothing to do with your ex how youchoose to introduce him to your dc or when you decided to let him stay over or stay there. The court would say as her parent you should be able to make those decisions yourself and they would say the same for your ex.

Nandocushion Mon 19-Nov-12 16:47:06

So - how exactly do they "build a relationship" if you don't want him to have her for the weekend, and you won't let him come to yours?

DreamingOfTheMaldives Mon 19-Nov-12 16:53:01

Why don't you ask your ex-P if you can meet his new partner before your daughter goes to stay with him. That way she wouldn't seem like such a faceless stranger. You never know she might be really nice.

Also, I know it's difficult when there is bad feeling after a break-up, but why don't you try to talk to him about your concerns rather than simply saying no to him and expecting him to go along with it. It might be there is a compromise to be had which doesn't involve him having no weekend contact for the next 6 months!

AThingInYourLife Mon 19-Nov-12 16:55:40

She is a stranger to the child.

Isn't that who we're pretending to be interested in here when we insist that her inadequate, neglectful father is "equal" to the only decent parent she has?

How can it possibly be in a toddler's interests to be taken away from everything that is familiar to her to be cared for by a woman she doesn't know?

If she had a proper father who looked after her like a father should, then a visit to his girlfriend would be fine.

But in this situation this little girl will be having her nappies changed by a woman she had never met.

I have a 2 year old. She would find that very distressing.

Just say no, OP. When he starts changing nappies, then you'll talk.

Lia87 Mon 19-Nov-12 17:08:04

The majority of repliers here have obviously never had any experience of how worryingly useless some fathers can be. Only some, but they still exist, not all dads want to be involved to care about the childs needs. It sounds like he's put these other women before her, moving away from his toddler for a fling, it would be understandable for a job etc but not a short term girlfriend
also if he can go a month not seeing her then suddenly want her its like he just wants to play family and act the good dad to this woman. I'd definitely meet her before you let her stay, for a start if this womans likely to be doing the care you want to make sure she seems a decent person and that your daughter is safe. Does she want to go to dads or not? I'd then base if you let him have her overnight or not on how your daughter feels as her needs and emotional happiness comes before his want to suddenly see her now the girlfriends involved

OverlyWordyHurdyGurdy Mon 19-Nov-12 17:17:05

I think YANBU at all. So silly to call her his partner after such a short time when this is the second relationship he's been in since he broke up with OP just a few months ago. How old is he, 15?

Unfortunately legally you have no say in where he takes her and who with. But I put stipulations on when my dcs could spend time with OW while with XH, and I never felt I was doing anything wrong, by putting them first. But XH and ow had done make up break up rubbish, and it wasn't fair on my children not knowing if she was going to be there or not. I said 3months of a stable relationship. After 2 months they moved in together and I agreed that it was time for the children to meet her again.

Legally I had no right but morally I thought I did what was best for my children.

4 years later and they are still together. But I still think I did the right thing.

I don't think YABU op but legally it's none of your business.

MissCellania Mon 19-Nov-12 17:26:10

If you really think your coparent is unfit, you go to court to sort it out properly. What you can't do is unilaterally decide for them where they can and can't go with the child.

That is the reality of it. You don't have to like it, but you have to deal with it, or follow the correct procedure.

LtEveDallas Mon 19-Nov-12 17:29:02

But the OP cant "just say no" . Whether the OP (or MNers) like it or not, if he is on the birth certificate he has PR and if he has PR then the court will rule 50/50 shared parenting as a starting point. If the OP wants less then that she would have to come up with a lot better concerns than 'he doesn't change shitty nappies'

Remember the contact he is asking for is less than 50/50, so if the ex took this to court the OP could actually be 'worse off' than now. Is that worth the risk?

This is nothing to do with the girlfriend. Where dad takes child is irrelevant.

Unless OP can prove that dad is neglectful, then she cannot, by law lay down the rules regarding contact.

tisnottheseasonyet Mon 19-Nov-12 17:38:17

Uh, someone disagreed with athing, AND thinks a man should have some sort of say over his child, I'll await the cavalry.

AThingInYourLife Mon 19-Nov-12 17:43:25

Why should the OP go to court?

He can this to court if he wants to apply for his latest squeeze to have 50-50 shared care with his child's mother.

For now, as the little girl's only real parent, she needs to make sure her daughter isn't put in a frightening and degrading position for her "father"'s entertainment.

Refusing to change a nappy is neglect. There are no two ways about that.

MissCellania Mon 19-Nov-12 17:45:28

Children are not owned by their mothers AThing, and fathers have rights. So do children, the right to be involved with both of their parents.
You might want to remember that sometimes.

LtEveDallas Mon 19-Nov-12 17:50:35

AThing, if the OP lays conditions on whether the child's father can see his child, then the father can take the OP to court.

If the father takes this to court then the court will, as a starting point, allow for 50/50 shared contact - that is what the law changed to recently.

The 'latest squeeze' (what a horrible way to describe another female - shame) doesn't come into the equation at all.

Refusing to change a nappy may well be neglect - but how exactly is the OP going to prove that ever happened? "he said/she said" doesn't go down well in court.

Morally, you and the OP may have a point - but why get the OPs hopes up when legally she can't do anything. Support to the OP is one thing, but dont recommend a course of action that could get the OP into trouble.

Ok, I feel like I'm getting a bit of a battering from some people! Even if legally, he is within his rights, surely any mother would feel the same way??

Those of you who are just telling me to suck it up, I do wonder how you would react to the same news?

AThingInYourLife Mon 19-Nov-12 17:54:04

Children have never been owned by their mothers.

Just their fathers.

And clearly a lot of people liked it that way.

The OP wants her daughter to have a relationship with her father.

His distance from his daughter is a result of his choices and preferences.

My advice is that until he is happy to change his own toddler's nappy he shouldn't have her overnight, and apparently that is crazy lunacy because obviously it is great for a 2 year old to spend a weekend with a total stranger changing her nappy.

Because 2 year olds are not people in their own right with their own feelings about their bodies and their privacy.

They are playthings for men who are "equal" to any woman no matter how much caring she does, just by virtue of having ejaculated once.

LtEveDallas Mon 19-Nov-12 17:59:59

Bloody hell, OP no-one is giving you a battering. They are trying to make you see that really, legally, you can't stop him seeing his child if he has PR.

It is something you have to face up to.

I would say exactly the same if you were a man, the law is the law. And that's that.

It's fine to feel bad about it, it's fine to be totally against it, it's crap, I get it. But you don't have much choice. Trust me, I've been there - and so have other posters on this thread.

AThing - it's postings like yours that give this site a bad name for being 'man haters' . That is nothing to be proud of.

ShipwreckedAndComatose Mon 19-Nov-12 18:03:07

Whilst I see what you are saying AThing, until the op gets legal advice to change the situation, then the law is the law.

missymoomoomee Mon 19-Nov-12 18:03:38

If you only saw him every 1-2 weekends when you were with him he isn't actually seeing your daughter much less now, it was acceptable then, yet it isn't now.

Its hard to seperate feelings out when you split on bad terms but its in your daughters best interests to have a relationship with her father, and there isn't a lot you can do about who he introduces her to tbh. Would you like him to have a say on who you see fit to introduce to your daughter?

In all honesty I think your feelings about having another woman in your daughters life is clouding your judgement a bit, saying that, its totally understandable and I think I would feel the same, but in reality there isn't anything you can do about it as long as she is being looked after properly. sad it must be very hard for you. Have you got family or friends close by to support you, especially the first weekend he is away with her?

MistressIggi Mon 19-Nov-12 18:04:18

What is fair in legal terms may well not be what is fair in moral terms.
This man does not sound particularly deserving of his dd, does he? Let's hope the new girlfriend is nice and bonds with the child (and sticks around).

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