That BOTH my best friends are *OW* ??!!(99 Posts)
These are adult , educated and intelligent women... who are both wedged firmly in the 'Home wrecking bastards" category for me.. I am trying very hard , after my initial horror/anger at them to avoid discussing it... They are both hellbent however on pressuring me into understanding why they think this is anyhow OK in situ A , the marriage was in serious trouble/separate bedrooms before he met my friend... situ B , same , but still sharing a bed , with two year old child and gf was 8 bloody months pregnant... now apparently , pregnant gf has had several affairs , and there was some question about the two year olds paternity (classy) but not the baby , who is now born...
Imho... both my friends should walk away.. fast If these relationships are to happen , its not out of the wreckage of ( between both situs ) no less than 8 childrens family lives... these two relationships should be in mediation/separation... not fucking other women. I'm so angry with them both , and also worried for them , but mainly angry.... I'm one of the most liberal people on earth , but not on this.
I'm at an angry point with this , they have both withdrawn from my life as I have made my distance/avoidance on this issue very clear.... I have supported them both endlessly and I find myself very alone... a real friendship should not be conditional on agreeing/supporting bad decisions...I have severe depression/health issues , and am now alone with it.... its not of interest because I will no longer be a sounding board for this bullshit.... says it all really... timely that my place in the counseling queue has finally arrived....
I think your only option when they try to discuss their situation is to just politely but firmly say " you know my feelings about this subject and I don't wish to discuss it anymore thanks" then change the subject.
Its a subject I feel strongly about to and there's no way I would give them a platform to try and justify what they are doing.
Well then say it,if it makes you feel better
Just don't get sucked back into the drama.
One of these men is a Deacon with the church , and not only has left his (large) family...is excommunicated...suddenly I'm needed to mend and salve the wounds as she bails due to guilt levels...It really isn't wrong of me to tell her straight that this was like watching her step in front of a train and she needs to gtf out of it and concentrate on reality for her own life...and actually no , I'm not available to be cried all over for the next five days straight...I am deaing with my own shit , which , tbh , has been largely ignored by both friends as they obsessed over their affairs....I'm now dating a nice man , and they arent interested , just make the right noises for a couple of sentences then go into full eulogies on their own shit.... I know whats been suggested on here..and I have been very distant....the shits now hitting the fan for both , predictably ...so hard not to say "Well wtf did you expect!!??"
I think I need to consider quite how much I invest in anyone aside from myself.
Thing is , these two would never fit a "type"..not in the first instance , both very ballsy , independent and moralistic women... we stood shoulder to shoulder on so much , hence the shock when both fell into affairs simultaneously...and my mother still seeks my counsel in relationships , quite a few folk do... which is bizarre , given the trainwreck I have always made of my own love life... who knows... I have studied counselling theory actually , and my last few bouts of counselling were hard work , I'm not into telling an empty chair how angry I am with it ( gestalt ) ;) I totally see your point though.. I need to set some boundaries..I'm long past trying to mend my mother ...
...And no,its not your 'normal'...it wouldn't be unsettling you so much if you were desensitised to it.Your gut is telling you this isn't right,all you need now is the tools to understand it a bit more and help you change the pattern.You can do it,and your future can be less stressful than your past with the help of a good counsellor.
It could be that you are subconciously drawn to these types hoping to 'fix' them,because you grew up not being able to 'fix' your mother
end of amateur pyschology lesson.
Seriously,it's a point worth thinking about,a counsellor might help you unravel it a bit more and help you to avoid a lot of anguish in the future.
My life has been a soap opera of betrayal , and betrayers... I'd hate to think that was in any way normal..
Yes.. I can , but why do I .... bloody hell , nail on head these stories are tip of the iceberg too.... am I drawn to drama??? I f***ing hope not , as I hate it.... but my mothers the original drama queen , and abuses me emotionally terribly... a real narcissist..is this (god forbid) my normal????
I think you need to distance yourself from people who abuse your friendship.You realise,don't you,that they are using you as a 'safe' audience?Someone to drone on to about their dramas,knowing that you won't spill the beans?
I'd also (and Im saying this as gently as I can) take some time to figure out why Im drawing people like this to me.Your husband,your best friend at that time,your 2 current best friends....all cheaters.I don't mean that in any way to be an attack on you,but sometimes we subconciously draw a certain 'type' of person towards us when we have unresolved issues.I really,really dont mean that to sound nasty,it just strikes me that you have had close/best friendships with untrustworthy types.Can you see the pattern?
I agree... I hate it , I love my friends but I do not respect them for their actions... I too have held my children as they cried for their father who left me for my best friend when the going got tough... I do not hold any respect for the " we couldn't help it" bullshit.... I once fancied myself in love with a married man , I had alot of respect for his wife , and I told her ,not him , eventually , as I was keeping my distance from them both....she was lovely , never told him that I am aware of...and we retained a light friendship for some years which eventually fizzled out... her DH turned out to be a chronic womaniser..as an aside...But the point is I'd never have even contemplated telling him.. but the best friend knew , and threatened to tell her as a wildcard I guess.. so I told her first... what there was to tell....very little in fact , apart from lonely young housewife develops mad crush on first man to be nice to her in living memory....of course , DH was vile to me cos he was fucking my best friend... sighs
haven't read the whole thread, but I've been in your shoes, OP. When we were younger by bestfriend confided she was seeiing a married man, but hadn't wanted to tell me because she knew I was quite "moralistic". I wasn't really concerned for his wife, or child (we were both young and single then), but I WAS concerned for my friend- she's basically just told me her latest love is a liar and a cheat. I couldn't see how she wasn't going to get hurt She did. I didn't judge her. But I did judge HIM. I told her I didn't see how a guy like this would ever be good for her.
Just recently 2 of our best friends split because she was having an affair. She keeps telling me how "they couldn't help it", she "didn't wantto fall in love with him" etc. I had to bite mytongue a little- she sounds like a 15 yo. I can't lie to her- I've told her what I think (they both have dc), but at the end of the day she is still my friend, and when it all ends n shit (which it will,given the circustances she personally is in) I will be there. I'm trying to stay distanced at the moment, however...
I mean this in the nicest possible way OP but seriously, cut out the drama and tell them you're not interested in this subject.
If i had any friends who were the other woman i would drop them immediately, my husband left 7 months ago to another woman who had the nerve to say its my fault my son was crying every night since ex left as he had to have an affair, not her fault or my husbands.
The devastation it has caused my son (and me ) is unbelievable
I know its the husband who is married and is most at fault but i seriously cannot believe women fall for the im so unhappy, our marriage is over line and think it wont happen to them or it doesnt even enter thier head about children. I know i could never do that to a child and wouldnt respect anyone who did
I just know I wouldn't dream of it...
It is in my book... tbh , you can plead single but if the fella isnt , mea culpa still applies...
Why are so many people saying the men are to blame? Surely the blame is shared equally?
I just feel really fuckin tired tbh... any convo now is opened with a query about MY lovelife , which is rapidly ( within three sentences ) turned to gushing about the Mr Married's.... I don't want to know... I am the child of such damage , and also the victim of it by an exe best friend.... walks away
What can you do? Tell them your feelings on the subject and then drop it, or end the friendship if its a dealbreaker. You cant dictate how they run their lives.
Persnally, I am cynical old hag and believe 'shit happens'. People cheat. Relationships break down. Marriages end messily. Such is life.
I hope your new friends are nice and you didn't mention the drama unfolding with your other friends. It's very unfair of them to involve you given your past experiences and they are very selfish IMO.
Its a bit like watching a car crash and rubber necking - you have to drive on and not look. There is nothing you can do, and personally I would not want anything to do with them. Will you be expected to meet these new men? And pretend its all normal? Yes you might seem judgey but tbh it's one occasion for me where being judgey is fine.
Do they still support you and chat about your life or is it all about them? I had a friend who was an ow and she really made a fool,of herself over and over. He dumped her in the end and she still maintains he was her only love. He really got a tiger by the tail, he only wanted a shag every now and then. Couldn't get rid of her. She loved the drama of being the ow. Like it made her more attractive, iykwim.
When a man marries his mistress he creates a vacancy.
I have known three OW
One got her man and was married for about 12 years, he has just left her for a younger model
The next was a OW for about six years, she ended up with nothing she really did waste most of her thirties on him
The last is happily married to someone else, the low point in that was when she forwarded a photo of him so I could see how good looking he was, he had his toddler dd on his shoulders.
I am related to two of these women, I pulled away from all three, all of these men had small dc.
The men are complete assholes and the women got sucked in. Two of them had self esteem issues and one had an abusive ex. One of them who I am related to is an absolute cow, one of the nastiest people I have ever met.
Both respective families have blown up this last few days... I have no words for either of them... they have both said "Now he's mine" ... all I can think is 'Careful what you wish for ,you might just get it'...
Clearly if they've done it before they'll have no qualms in doing it again.
Not actually true.
Some will, some won't.
While yes, the men should have left first, lots don't. Just like lots of women don't.
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