ZOMBIE THREAD ALERT: This thread hasn't been posted on for a while.
That BOTH my best friends are *OW* ??!!(99 Posts)
These are adult , educated and intelligent women... who are both wedged firmly in the 'Home wrecking bastards" category for me.. I am trying very hard , after my initial horror/anger at them to avoid discussing it... They are both hellbent however on pressuring me into understanding why they think this is anyhow OK in situ A , the marriage was in serious trouble/separate bedrooms before he met my friend... situ B , same , but still sharing a bed , with two year old child and gf was 8 bloody months pregnant... now apparently , pregnant gf has had several affairs , and there was some question about the two year olds paternity (classy) but not the baby , who is now born...
Imho... both my friends should walk away.. fast If these relationships are to happen , its not out of the wreckage of ( between both situs ) no less than 8 childrens family lives... these two relationships should be in mediation/separation... not fucking other women. I'm so angry with them both , and also worried for them , but mainly angry.... I'm one of the most liberal people on earth , but not on this.
I had a conversation with a woman the other day who is having an affair, two years, and the guy has young children. She says he won't leave as it would cause too much damage!!!! As if the damage isn't done already.
I have no undertsanding of anyone with such low self esteem that they want to be the bit on the side.
Its hard , because they are my closest friends... I was involved in a wider social circle , which broke down very painfully last year due to petty squabbles and fallings out , I now spend most of my time alone and socialise away from here... I couldn't bear to lose anyone else
Self esteem aside... I just don't understand how anyone could do it... my exe best gf had a key to my house , and used it to come see me for breakfast , then again that night when I was at work to fuck my husband in my bed with our children asleep in the next room... abhorrent behaviour , and I still dream about it all when stressed..
I think you make your position clear and continue with your friendship.
You do realise you can put the palm of your hand out and say firmly, "I don't want to know any more about it"....and stick to your guns?
Yes , I think you are right.... whatever they have cooked up to be able to look at themselves in the mirror in the morning is up to them... doesn't mean I have to buy it... one of them I had issues with her last relationship too , as it was with a violent man , and my last longterm was DV ... I was constantly told I was wrong for not having forgiveness for him and supporting her every time she went back to him.... I had so much of the depths of that from her I started getting flashbacks to my own DV , only five years ago , and had to tell her THEN I couldn't hear any more of it , that I loved her , but would never support or agree with her self destructive behaviour in continuing to go back to that psycho....and yet I watched her health decline in those years severely , and now shes in an affair.... sighs
I titled this thread badly.... need more coffee!!
Mmmm my ExH fed his OW a very over exaggerated version of events of our home life. I think they're both stupid tbh. I suspect half of what they believe needs to be taken with a pinch of salt.
It came back to bite my ExH in the bum once they moved in together and he wanted a good co-parenting situation, as he'd spent so long casting me as an utter villain, the OW couldn't get over it and wouldn't speak to me and didn't understand why ExH and I were so amicable post divorce. She remembered every word he'd said 3 years before.
I'd come to that conclusion too... psycho exe fed his new gf a load of bull about me , about me being the violent nutter , not him.... funnily enough , she had him arrested and threw him out 6 months later... this woman who refused to even meet me cos I was such a mental . We talked about it all once.... chose not to maintain contact mutually , but we put it to bed so that the kids could at least maintain an easy friendship at school...pinch of salt indeed !!
It's very difficult, I'd find it hard to keep my mouth shut
Indeed... if they would take the hint and stay off subject a bit it would help... even more so if they were actually prepared to listen to developments etc in MY life... I feel like a sounding board , am not currently taking calls tbh
My best friend at school used to tell me how her parents had got together after having an affair. I was horrified but she was very proud of how they'd met during dance classes and had "fallen in love".
The people who embark on affairs see nothing wrong with their actions.
Like love makes it alright... depends how many lives you shatter in the process imho
I know my ExH told the OW that our marriage was over before they began their affair, shame he hadn't ever thought to mention it to me.
As far as I was concerned all was well, except he seemed to be doing a lot of work for his mates and they were taking the piss in not paying him!
Still, knowing he is a cheating bastard makes for an uncomfortable life for her, she is always worried he will do the same to her.
Tell your friends you don't want to hear about their affairs.
I certainly do not think the OW in my situation thought for a moment about the DCs, classic out of sight out of mind and she also believed on separation that ExH would see them once every other weekend only, that we'd never speak anymore and all change overs of children would happen in a neutral place like a McDonald's car park. I kid you not! But she was quite young and was basing that on her friend, whose parents divorce was acrimonious and happened when they were teens.
Whereas I've worked hard to have an amicable co parenting situation with ExH and to communicate well about School events or other things happening in the DCs lives and ensuring they see their Dad often. They actually broke up in the Summer and she cited me as the reason, as she wants a man of her own (her words) and truly thought things would work as described in my first paragraph. It was never my intention to cause issues between them, all contact was banal and purely children related with their Dad, nothing more.
There are women on mn whose relationships began from affairs and I wouldn't want to over generalise too much, there are exceptional circumstances but I personally find the concept of it all uncomfortable and if I had two friends trying to justify their actions to me often, I couldn't hold my tongue.
Is it helping to talk on here though Littleblue?
"The MEN should be walking away fast, the MEN should have never let it happen in the first place. It is the MEN who are the home wrecking bastards."
...However, yanbu to not want to be told all about how the marriage was over anyway, etc,, thry sound very naive. Tell them you aren't interested.
I'm trying... obviously not hard enough , pregnant gf has already physically assaulted my friend in front of the two year old... and the wife of the other one is stalking her too..... however those relationships are disintegrating , you just cant get in the middle of it , it fucks up cordiality possibilities for a long time , which is HELL on the respective children involved... you should stay the fuck out of it out of respect for the kids if NOTHING else... I feel distant from them as its become clear that my reluctance to discuss this on either count has made them both turn away from letting me talk about my own life.... they are both obsessive people , and as thats all they currently want to talk about , theres cracks appearing so yes , it is helping to talk about it on here , I started another thread on depression as I'm really quite unwell on that front... this is not helping... I'm disappointed in them both tbh.
You can't help them. They're enjoying the drama of it all. Ludicrously, they seem to be painting themselves as heroines in their own real life movies.
All you can do is be honest and say you don't want to talk about it for your own reasons. They shouldn't be canvassing for your approval. If they push it, give them both barrels. They're allowing themselves to be used and degraded. You could also point out how damaging this is for the children involved, and that they are partly responsible.
I think they are pushing it so hard out of a need to normalise it... and it will never work for me , the adults involved should ALL be prioritising the children , not themselves... none of those kids are being considered by anybody who is sneaking around for illicit encounters... apart from anything else she is supposed to have done , the new baby was born by c - section and she is incredibly stressed by what is going on , her history aside , this period should be about the new baby... not about suspicion/stalking/hurt etc... if you thinks thats an acceptable footing for a love affair , you're fucking mad...
They'll reap what they sow, stand back and watch it all implode.
Yeah , its not what you want for two people you care very deeply about...but on their own heads be it , there's only so much "I'm here for you" any one person can take... I'm not a saint.
If you've made your feelings clear and they can't/won't stop talking about their relationships, and you can't help judging/feeling angry (understandably under the circumstances) then you will have to avoid these friends until their situations blow over one way or the other.
I think you need to take into account the longevity and closeness of these friendships to date though, as there is no guarantee they will survive you withdrawing in this way and you may have to be willing to lose them altogether if this is such a massive issue for you (not saying it shouldn't be, but they will have their own perspectives).
We have been very close for years... in both cases , and they do indeed have their own perspectives , I just wish they would respect mine !
Do they know each other? As I said earlier, I think you should distance yourself from them both, as it isn't any good for you. But maybe they could support each other....
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.