AIBU to be miffed because DH feels he is just as tired as I am?

(35 Posts)
ellangirl Fri 16-Nov-12 23:37:58

We have a 3 week old DD who wants to be breastfed every 2 hours at the moment, and a very spirited 3 year old DS. DH is at work full time and gets up half an hour earlier than I'm awake to take dog on quick walk. Given he doesn't feed (therefore stays asleep) or do nappies, and some nights sleeps in spare bed, how can he be just as tired as me? Or perhaps I am being u nreasonableu

IShallCallYouSquishy Sat 17-Nov-12 14:34:52

I remember my DH being like this in the early days. He'd say "I know I shouldn't be but I'm so tired" or "I know you should be more tired but I'm just knackered". I guess at least he realised I should win have more moaning rights.

But YANBU grin

AThingInYourLife Sat 17-Nov-12 14:27:33

Of course having a newborn gives a special dispensation, if by dispensation you mean extra kindness and consideration from your husband.

Going to work really isn't that fucking tiring unless you have a serious health problem or are incompetent.

We've all been working all our adult lives. Why does it suddenly become something so hard that it requires daytime naps just because someone else in the house isn't getting any sleep?

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

duedec2 Sat 17-Nov-12 14:25:24

She cant sleep if she has a 3-yr-old! But breast feeding does produce hormones that help. Just tough for everyone. But babies grow up so terrifyingly fast and it passes ...

wannaBe Sat 17-Nov-12 14:18:20

yabu.

It's not a competition, and having a newborn doesn't IMO give special dispensation.

He's at work all day, you can nap when the baby naps. He doesn't have that privilage.

Goldrill Sat 17-Nov-12 14:17:23

YANBU
DD2 is 4 weeks old and DD1 is 2 years. DP is wonderful and I adore him, but had to learn this time round that any suggestion he is tired had damn well better be followed with a "...but nowhere near as tired as you must be...". He may only do it to humour me but I don't really care at the present moment!

I'm finding it a lot easier to be up feeding all night this tme round - I think having older DD reminds me just how quicly this bit passes and how soon it will really be that I get proper sleep again!

ellangirl Sat 17-Nov-12 14:10:59

Just for the record, my DH is most emphatically NOT a cunt, or a wanker! He is very lovely, just not when he is asleep and snoring at stupid o clock while I wonder 'is the baby asleep enough for me to out her down in the crib? oh no she's woken up again. Bugger. better spend another 20 mins rocking backwards and forwards like a mad woman with her, oh god now she's rooting again, how the hell can she be hungry!?' grin

And for those worried I am making it a game of sleep trumps, my only response to being told he was just as tired as me was 'it's not a competition'.

Anyway, she has been asleep on him for an hour, so now I have cleaned the bathroom, made the bed and done the washing. I now only have myself to blame for being tired as I could have been sleeping hmm

AThingInYourLife Sat 17-Nov-12 10:18:49

There's no winner in competitive tiredness because a man who tells his breastfeeding wife who is up every 2 hours at night that he is just as tired as she is a cunt. Which means she's married to a cunt.

Losers all around.

eagerbeagle Sat 17-Nov-12 09:45:53

There is no winner playing competitive tiredness.

You are both tired and need to figure out how to support each other through it. I've been there. Am still there some nights, DD now 13 months. When it gets bad we take turns to sleep at the weekend. DH has a 2 hour nap then loads kids into the buggy and I hit the hay.

Just talk about it. Acknowledge its hard on you both and ask for help if you feel you are hitting your limit.

You are more tired by the way but pulling together is likely to get you further than arguing about it.

RillaBlythe Sat 17-Nov-12 09:17:09

My DP is also more of a wanker than me.

RillaBlythe Sat 17-Nov-12 09:16:36

My DP is more tired than me because his job is physically, mentally & emotionally exhausting. I'm a SAHM so mine is just physically exhausting.

Rudolphstolemycarrots Sat 17-Nov-12 09:10:05

He can seriously think he is as exhausted as you are? Pure madness!

AThingInYourLife Sat 17-Nov-12 09:09:58

YANBU - women with lazy arse husbands always get told not to play "competitive tiredness", with the subtext being that men deserve more rest because they have jobs.

If you are bfing a 3 week old baby, there is no competition because you are clearly having disturbed sleep every night while he mostly sleeps.

A kind man would recognise that and be nice to you.

Ah, the Sleep Olympics. No medals to be gained here.

We all understand. Seethe away smile

maddening Sat 17-Nov-12 09:04:11

Ps expressing is tough Janey when you are establishing bf so not easy to do with a 3 week old (possibly in a growth spurt if feeding 2 hourly) and a spirited 3yr old.

maddening Sat 17-Nov-12 09:01:07

Yanbu - he is bu to compare - it is he that is turning it into a "competition". He should just appreciate that at the mo you are exhausted.

janey68 Sat 17-Nov-12 08:36:38

Yabu, it's not a competition and you don't know how tired he feels anyway. And if you're really not coping then express milk and let your dh do some night feeds. Your baby will still be receiving exclusively breast milk and it will enable your dh to actually feed her .... I think its difficult for many husbands when they physically cant do anything to feed the baby. No point in being a martyr about it

LiegeAndLief Sat 17-Nov-12 08:24:09

YADNBU.

I threw a remote control at dh's head once when I was sat up feeding the baby (she didn't feed lying down very well when she was very small) and he was snoring in bed across the room. I don't recommend this course of action, and in my defence I had a newborn and a 3yo and had lost all mind and reason through exhaustion, but it did make me feel slightly better.

I missed, btw, and he carried on snoring. Bastard.

Pochemuchka Sat 17-Nov-12 08:04:34

YANBU

I agree about the competition thing but sometimes when you are absolutely shattered and your DP/H is moaning about it too, despite having much more sleep it can be enraging.

At the moment, I am 33 weeks pregnant, have been suffering with chronic heartburn which isn't relieved with any medication. I have two DC (20 months and 3.7), work 30 hours in 3 days with a two hour daily commute. I also take the DC on public transport to nursery opposite my work for those days.

By contrast, DP works from bed home every day. His work is mostly online/by telephone so he doesn't even need to get dressed.

He sleeps in the spare bedroom usually as he doesn't like being disturbed (which is fine by me as the DC come in bed with me and there's no room!)

I get up with the DC every morning except Sundays because I'm now programmed for an early start.

He still moans about being more tired.
If I mention being tired he immediately counters with how tired he is or how little sleep he has had. He did the same when I was EBFing both DC.

In fact, last night he went to bed an hour before me and it's still me who is up today.

It's fucking annoying.

I'm currently contemplating unleashing the DC on him while I have a shower.

SoupDragon Sat 17-Nov-12 07:54:32

There is a chance he is feeling as tired as you.

I feel far, far worse now if I get woken up in the night by a child then I ever did when I was feeding any of them. I think your body gets used to that level of disturbed sleep to a certain extent. Now I am used to undisturbed nights and waking up when I want and having a child wake me up on rare occasions floors me completely now.

I think it is impossible to judge - I don't think amount of sleep corresponds exactly to how tired you feel.

But, obviously, YANBU because you have a newborn smile

Katla Sat 17-Nov-12 07:51:20

Would agree not to start tiredness competition - my DH is self employed and I keep hearing him on phone telling his customers how tough our newborn is and all the sleepless nights - yeah right, he's on the spareroom bed snoring all night, and even having lie ins as he seems to think he on mat leave too (our LO is 5weeks and still feeding 3-4 hourly, sometimes longer if I'm lucky!)

I had a long labour too (30 hours), was in hospital two nights - and both nights LO didn't sleep til 4am and wanted fed every hour - DH said he'd be back in the morning the first night at ten am (so I'm keenly waiting for him to appear to give ne a break - just so I can have shower, eat breakfast) - no sign of him by half past so I call and he's just up getting a boiled egg - as he was shattered after the birth... Jeez.

I have actually thought how I can see how people spilt up after having a baby. And don't get me started on how he tells me how he's missing sex...

And it's not as if he was particularly insensitive before as he has always been great before at going extra mile but this seems to make him pretty self indulgent - I think he's feeling neglected because I told him to get out our bed due to snoring (at me in mockery it felt!) and I've been so pissed off with him that he's had no affection or much attention... Bit like my Labrador in fact...

Kalisi Sat 17-Nov-12 07:49:12

Agree with * Ophelia* Even if it's just one feed, even if it's just on weekends. Do it whilst you have the chance. Please don't get in the habit of being the only one that gets up in the night or you may end up like me, collapsed on the sofa with bags under your eyes 15 months later because poorly DD will only settle with you at night. Urgh I need a brew

OpheliaPayneAgain Sat 17-Nov-12 06:28:51

I shall probably be shot for suggesting it - have you thought about expressing so he can do a night feed?

Yamyoid Sat 17-Nov-12 06:14:13

Yanbu. I once burst into tears because I was so sleep deprived when dh complained he was tired. It felt to me like he didn't sympathise and was just playing 'tiredness trumps' [thanks, perfect phrase MrsHels]. He shut up about it for a while after that.

I still feel a bit aggrieved sometimes when he sits there doing his woe is me am drams but I remind myself of the long hours he works and that he is allowed to be tired too. It is hard though.

Euphemia Sat 17-Nov-12 06:08:11

It's not a competition, it's parenting.

It's not about you, or DH. It's about the children, and working together to raise them as best you can.

Keep your energy for stuff that matters.

YABU, but no wonder as one's head is mince during the first few weeks. smile

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