to ask someone to explain/give examples of what gaslighting is?

(45 Posts)
connacht Fri 16-Nov-12 17:56:28

can anyone help, think this may be happening to me

sad

ClippedPhoenix Fri 16-Nov-12 19:41:51

I could but if I did, I'd have to shoot you. Only kidding.

I can't remember exact instances at the moment have had a couple of gins

One of his classics though was to pass hurtful remarks off as "jokes" so I started to do the same and when he became upset or confused I used to say how comes he could dish out the "harsh" humour but not take it grin

Walkacrossthesand Fri 16-Nov-12 19:43:43

Ooh yes, Clippedphoenix, I too would love to read a story about someone who played a gaslighter at their own game!

Walkacrossthesand Fri 16-Nov-12 19:44:15

X-post - sigh...

Walkacrossthesand Fri 16-Nov-12 19:47:39

I think the key there, clippedphoenix, was that you were sure enough of yourself to get annoyed with him for messing you around, and not be afraid of 'losing him' if you weren't constantly 'nice' - which is something we women tend to try too hard to be. High five!

Tabliope Fri 16-Nov-12 19:48:16

Connacht, I'd go and speak to the police about him and see if you can get them to go round and have a word. Maybe first text him and tell him to stop bothering you. If he continues after that it's harassment. See how he likes that. Don't show him he's got to you though. He'll feed off that. Also, take him to the small claims court if you can show he's liable for the rent and any bills. Hit him where it hurts. Good luck.

ClippedPhoenix Fri 16-Nov-12 19:48:57

Let me have a think about incidents with a clear head and i will come back to the thread to tell you.

He's not necessarily gas lighting you. However- it sounds like he is emotionally manipulating you. This is abusive behaviour, try to stay away from him if poss. 11 years ago I was with a man who was like this. He was a compulsive liar too. He did try to make me feel like I was the mad one.

You don't really need the label of him "gas lighting" howabout the label of him being a "complete wanker" good job he's your ex

mrskeithrichards Fri 16-Nov-12 19:51:25

So it's like in the twits where Mr twit keeps adding a bit to Mrs twits walking stick and she thinks she's shrinking?

Haha! Just been reading Roald dahl's Twits to dd. good example Mr.

ClippedPhoenix Fri 16-Nov-12 19:56:34

Yep, MrsKeith, that's one example of it happening with actual "things". A lot of the time it's saying something then completely denying that fact that it's been said or twisting it so you doubt what you hear.

cheekybaubles Fri 16-Nov-12 19:57:12

The Police? Really? Don't they have more important life threatening things to deal with?

connacht Fri 16-Nov-12 20:07:28

i just wanted someone else to tell me that I wasnt being mad basically, whether its gaslighting or emotional manipulation thanks tendto thats exactly what it is. He is making out that I am clearly upset for reasons that arent anything to do with him

he knows well why im upset!! he paid his own personal bills before he paid his half of the rent on a home that we share with my 2 children and his part time at weekends!!!

ClippedPhoenix Fri 16-Nov-12 20:11:08

He's an arse that's out for his own gain OP isn't he no matter how anyone tries to catagorise it. He puts himself first and sponges from others. Get shot sweetheart.

GroupieGirl Fri 16-Nov-12 20:29:59

I never knew there was a name for this, my ex used to do it!
One I particularly remember was calling me at 2am (I'd long since given up and gone to bed) to tell me that he wouldn't make it home as one of his friends had been hit by a car...come the next day he swears blind he never said it, I must have dreamt it, he was sober, had I been drinking? Nobody got hit by a car. Git.

connacht Fri 16-Nov-12 20:40:26

I have done clipped. I just thought I was losing my mind as he seems to be making out that I have nothing to be annoyed with him for! someone mentioned something about gas lighting on here previously so I thought I would ask.

Tabliope Fri 16-Nov-12 20:51:11

yes, cheekybaubles, really. If he doesn't stop what else is she supposed to do? Put up with it?

ShogDite Fri 16-Nov-12 21:37:11

Sounds like emotional blackmail to me. I was gaslighted often by my ex. Worst example was when I told Ex-P about a family member coming to visit one weekend, (told him well in advance). The week before, I remind him and he 'claims' not to have known about it, and I obviously didn't tell him, and I was being inconsiderate because HE had taken a week off work and wanted to go camping with me (!?!?) First I'd heard of that plan. Family member lives abroad and I see her once or twice a year so I was extremely upset at having to 'choose' between family and DP! Worst part was that he tried to start an argument about it in church at my friend's baby's Christening.

Very difficult situation to be in. I truly sympathise OP. You need other rational people to tell you you're not losing your marbles. If I were you I would confront the situation via mediation if necessary. Took me a long time to realise I was being emotionally blackmailed. But you have DC and I don't, so things will be trickier. I hope your situation improves. {hug} & brew

pigletmania Sat 17-Nov-12 00:35:29

There is nothing wrong with you connact, and all wrong with him. Just say well clear f you he sounds like a right twat

LulaPalooza Sat 17-Nov-12 01:12:12

July
XP - "God, this new woman at work drives me mad. She's so irritating. The way she talks to her DP is appalling. I feel so sorry for him. She's a bitch"

September
XP - "God, J is having such a hard time with her husband. I feel so sorry for J, her husband is appalling. He's a bastard"
Me - "I thought she was appalling to him?" <confused face>
XP - <confused face> "No, I told you he was treating her really badly. It's so nice that she sees me like a brother... a shoulder to cry on"
Me - "I thought she irritated you?"
XP - "When have I ever said that? She's like a sister to me!"

He was shagging her by early January. I wish I had known about gaslighting back then, it would have saved me a lot of heartache. And her too, probably. He was doing it to both of us.

I still despise her a little bit for spelling her name with an i on the end in a bid to make it sexy and putting a heart above the final i

MrsMangelfanciedPaulRobinson Sat 17-Nov-12 08:40:01

Does gaslighting only go on in relationships or can it occur in friendships too?

If so I was at school with a gaslighter extraordinaire! She's slag someone off and be very unkind about them, then a week later be their best friend. If anyone said to her that a week ago she'd said these nasty things she would deny it and say that they had imagined her saying them, or she'd say the opposite to what she'd said. She also had a knack of turning everything round onto other people. If she'd done something nasty or manipulative her attitude would be 'I can't believe you're so upset by something like this'.

To sum it up her attitude about everyone was; I'm always right, you are always wrong.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now