To tell my mum she's a crap grandma?

(34 Posts)
toofattorun Wed 14-Nov-12 18:59:20

It's my boys 4th birthday today and she hasnt called at all to wish him a happy birthday. We had a party last Saturday, but she should have called today or AIBU?

Loveweekends10 Thu 15-Nov-12 04:52:19

My MIL is always late it's a standing joke. But whatever she is like let your kids have nice memories of their granny not tainted ones.

Mathsdidi Wed 14-Nov-12 23:50:50

My MIL doesn't do birthdays, not anyone's. The one birthday we have celebrated with her in the 7 years I have been with dp was dp's 40th, and even that I had to phone her beforehand and arrange to pick her up so we could go out for dinner. Nobody ever recieves a birthday present or card or phone call. Yet she's a wonderful grandma in so many other ways, she would do anything for dd2 (and dd1 as well even though she is not technically dd1's grandma) and goes way OTT for Christmas. She just happens not to do birthdays.

My own parents don't phone on actual birthdays but do try to visit and bring presents at the weekend closest to the birthday. My kids much prefer seeing their gps in person rather than a phone call on the day when we're usually busy anyway.

Disappearing Wed 14-Nov-12 23:39:07

I'm going to buck the trend here and say YABU. One thing I find niggling about birthdays is the constant stream of phone calls, interrupting the whole evening, sometimes I wish people didn't feel obliged to call, then we could get on with our day.

DH has a big family, and the whole lot of them call every b-day, which while it is flattering, does irritate me a little.

However, if nobody called, I'm sure I'd be the first to feel neglected, so I OP do see what you mean, especially if your mum is self absorbed generally. For me the b-day party indifference would be a bigger deal. I can't imagine being a Grandma, and forgetting a party.

greeneyed Wed 14-Nov-12 23:15:20

My mum lied about doing something else (a voluntary commitment) on the day of my sons 3rd birthday party which I asked her to come to (on his actual birthday) I was really hurt when I found out sad She obviously just thought it would be dull (no shyness issues she is certainly no wall flower) so I feel your pain it's rubbish BUT if she is a good grandma in other respects it's not a huge deal - I had actuaLly forgotten about it now 6 months later till I read this!

PurpleGentian Wed 14-Nov-12 22:35:01

Did you remind her that his actual birthday was today? Some people are just rubbish at remembering dates.

If she knows it's his birthday today and was ignoring it deliberately, then that's pretty crap, but just forgetting it, in itself, wouldn't make her a crap grandma.

If it was my mum, I'd be contacting her and saying that I was a bit upset that she'd forgotten it was DS's birthday today. And then making sure to give her lots of reminders in the run-up to future birthdays so that she'd have no excuse for forgetting again.

redskyatnight Wed 14-Nov-12 21:15:58

Well OP presumably made sure her DC had a good birthday. As did the people who came to his party. Grandma calling is surely just an extra smartie on the cake? Sounds like OP has other issues with her mum, and the non-birthday calling is a symptom of these.

dreamingofsun Wed 14-Nov-12 20:19:20

redsky - it'd be a pretty crappy birthday for your kids though if everyone took your mother's approach.

CharlotteWasBoth Wed 14-Nov-12 20:18:02

My FIL (my DCs' only GP) wouldn't dream of phoning on a birthday, much less coming to a party. He wouldn't even speak to my 12yo on her birthday. Or ever. If we get together, he is only interested in talking to the adults. He's distantly fond of the DCs but that is clearly utterly bored by the concept of actually interacting with them.

Long story short -- there is crap, and THEN there's crap. YABU. Sorry!

redskyatnight Wed 14-Nov-12 20:15:27

DS is 8. DD is 6. I am 40. My mum has never rung up to wish any of us happy birthday (ok, she probably said it to me for the 18 years I lived with her). Some people set a huge store by things like this, and others don't. I don't think it insolation it makes her a crap grandma.

thebody Wed 14-Nov-12 20:15:16

Blimey so she occasionally forgets yours?

Can't imagine in a million years forgetting one if my kids birthdays even now 2 are grown up.

It's sad op. I would be tempted to not send her anything and ghen see how conversation develops.

dreamingofsun Wed 14-Nov-12 20:12:14

i guess there's 3 options:

GS guilting her into it by sending her birthday cards
ignorning her birthday and hoping she makes more effort
or speaking with her and explaining your disappointment

toofattorun Wed 14-Nov-12 20:09:32

She was a strict mum growing up.

She just doesn't think. I don't know if that's a good enough reason though.

She does mostly remember mine but I'm not bothered about that.

dreamingofsun Wed 14-Nov-12 19:53:59

toofat - i intentionally didn't bothe with my brother's this year - i decided that if he couldn't be bothered with any of his nephew's or his BIL, why should i bother with his. we will see if that focusses his mind.

unless she's senile i would be tempted to ignore her birthday. if she says anything just apologise and say you assumed this was the norm since she never sent cards to GS.

just out of interest does she do yours?

thebody Wed 14-Nov-12 19:50:35

Gosh, that's a bit harsh forgetting his birthday.

Not much point in telling her she's crap though as if she's like this then she's like this.

Was she a loving mom?

toofattorun Wed 14-Nov-12 19:42:13

I'm not hard work - honest!

I wouldn't actually tell her that she's a crap grandma but the truth is, I am disappointed. She did it last year too.

I think she has forgotten but shouldn't she at least put a note up on the fridge or something? I feel like doing the same on her birthday. You can guarantee she would be pissed off with me.

butterflyroom Wed 14-Nov-12 19:21:12

YANBU - she should have called. You do not sound like hard work!!!! Bloody hell, all you want is a phone call for your DS birthday! Don't tell her she's crap, let her know you're disappointed though.

dreamingofsun Wed 14-Nov-12 19:21:10

i think its quite reasonable to expect a grandmother to celebrate their GS's birthday. Maybe she forget, but if she just can't be bothered thats off.

if its any consulation (which i'm sure it isn't) my mother and brother are no different. though strangely i was berated by my mother, the one time a card didn't turn up for my aunt's birthday due to the PO

theowlwhowasafraidofthedark Wed 14-Nov-12 19:17:34

You sound like hard work.
Phone her yourself if it means so much to your son.

LynetteScavo Wed 14-Nov-12 19:15:20

Does she do anything in between?

My MIL only has contact on birthdays, Christmas and Easter, (unless we really push for it), even though she only lives a few miles away.

My siblings completely forget birthdays (mine, DH and my DC) but are there in between for us, and would give us their last penny/Rollo.

Telling her she's a crap grandma is not going to improve your relationship.

hattymattie Wed 14-Nov-12 19:14:49

She may have just forgotten - however I have ranted at my DM at how she has not fulfulled her GM role - but years of history there. My MIL however just doesn't do birthdays.

Anonymumous Wed 14-Nov-12 19:14:20

My MIL completely forgot about DS1's first birthday and booked a holiday away. He was her only grandchild at the time and she was mortified when she realised what she'd done. Then, four years later, she managed to do exactly the same thing again for DS2's first birthday! But she is besotted with the pair of them - she's a brilliant Grandma and she can't do enough for them. So occasional lapses are fine, forgivable and human - unless there is something else you are not telling us, YABU.

scarlettsmummy2 Wed 14-Nov-12 19:13:54

She was two and a half hours late for his birthday party! She is self focussed- her needs came before her family's. I just can't imagine any of the good granny's I know doing this.

SmileItsSunny Wed 14-Nov-12 19:12:37

Oh, you shouldn't have to call her on her grandson's birthday, I agree - but if it means that much to you that they speak to each other, you may have to enable it.

I doubt your son will be bothered, tbh. There are worse grandparent sins.

bangersmashandbeans Wed 14-Nov-12 19:11:54

Selfish and self-focussed??? Or maybe she just forgot? Hang her from the gallows...none of us have ever done that before have we?

scarlettsmummy2 Wed 14-Nov-12 19:09:01

Sounds like my mother in law. I wouldnt waste your breath, some people are just inherently selfish and self focussed.

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